scared I'm about to lose the possible love of my life

[suzieq70s]

So the title kinda sums it all up. I'm coming to y'all for an open honest discussion about this. There is such a big diversity of people on here with such varied point of views. Forgive me if I ramble.

But here's a brief back round.
I met this guy online and we live in the same town. He is awesome with such a good heart. I'm very attracted to his mind his body his heart and his soul. We seem to match on so many levels. We are what somewhere in between friends with benefits and a full blown committed relationship.

We hang 4 or 5 times a month. We talk about everything under the sun and I mean everything there has never been an uncomfortable silence. When we met we just clicked. We watch movies or whatever is on tv. We have dinner together occasionally and the sex is beyond incredible. The best I've ever had. No lie. The whole tHing is incredible. We fuck then talk for hours then fuck some more and talk some more until we fall asleep in each other's arms and spend the night together. This has beenfriBer for a little over a year. As my friend described it there is a difference between a casual fuck and long term fucking

He has commitment and trust issues from his ex-wife and what she did to him. I have issues from what my now dead husband did to me.

Oh yeah and when we are not together we talk every day all day. Little good morning texts and good night texts and how's your day and what you doing pretty much everyday and then we talk almost every night. And it is almost always initiated by him

So here's were things get sticky and awkward. I told him if we were to do this I don't want him dating anyone else and me either if this is just straight up fwb then it was a no go and he said I feel something more for you than just that and so we agree to this arrangement. I refer to it to my friends as a situationship. But like I said we've been doing this for a little over a year and I've Been enjoying it and I thought so has he cause he keeps coming around and talking and texting and everything all the time. If I'm just a booty call he's putting a hell of a lot of extra effort into it.

So a couple of nights ago we were talking and he was hanging out with one of his female friends (no problem I have male friends) he said her boyfriend was coming over and he said it was gonna be awkward and I said yeah I bet cause you don't like him and he doesn't like you and he said yeah and especially since her and I have been getting busy lately.

In my head I said woah back the mother fucking bus up. I said wait a minute you and her have been having sex. He said yeah I said when was the last time you fucked her. He said a week ago. (He came over just 4 days ago and fucked me) he said are you mad I said yeah I'm pissed and hurt. I told him I thought what we were doing at least meant enough to you to keep you from fucking somebody else. He said yeah it does but I mean I don't know. So I ended up telling him if you keep fucking her you're not fucking me and if you keep fucking me you're not fucking her or any body else. He said I'm sorry I don't know what to say I said yeah I don't know what to say either. He said we'll talk more about it later. I said alright and hung up.

I Texted him four hours later before I went to bed do you have any idea how pissed I am and how much I'm hurting right now. I receive a text from him the next morning saying yeah I have an idea and I'm sorry she is just a friend and that's all.

So basically through a few texts today we both agree we need to sit down face to face and talk about this. And it's gonna happen tonight or in the next couple of days.

He knows I want to eventually developes this into a relationship and neither one if us our ready yet but he has said that when we are both ready he's into the idea too.

I am so scared of this talk and what his decision is gonna be. If he says yes I want you more than anyone else and you will be the only one period then awesome let's discuss this out and be very clear on what is acceptable to the both of us. If he says either no I don't want to do that or he says I want to keep fucking you both (which is unacceptable to me) my heart will be broken and I am so scared that he will find it unacceptable what I want from him and move on and keep fucking his friend.

Am I wrong in being pissed and hurt. Did I overreact. Is what he did acceptable or not. Have I just been one big stupid fool this whole time.

Sorry for the long post I'm just so scared and confused

And thank you for reading and any responses are welcome. I want to hear it all. All opinions and thoughts with complete honesty

 

[Bearlove]

Your in a fwb relationship with the guy - unless you made yourself clear that you didn't want him having sex with anyone else then I can't understand why you took such a stance. He is not dating anyone else (as per your agreement with him) he is having sex.

If he feels that much for you then being committed to you and you alone shouldn't be that much of an issue for him as long as you can both see where the relationship is going.

 

[suzieq70s]

Your in a fwb relationship with the guy - unless you made yourself clear that you didn't want him having sex with anyone else then I can't understand why you took such a stance. He is not dating anyone else (as per your agreement with him) he is having sex.

If he feels that much for you then being committed to you and you alone shouldn't be that much of an issue for him as long as you can both see where the relationship is going.

Thank you for being honest. And yes the sex with someone else was a gray area and hadn't really been discussed. And yes I'm hoping he cares enough for me to say yes I will be with you alone no sex with anyone else no dating any one else. It was just a shock and like I said I thought what we were doing meant enough to him to keep him from fucking anybody else. It kind of made me feel like what we are doing wasn't good enough and he wanted more pussy than just mine. But I totally see you're point of view

But if he says no I can't do that then even though it will hurt like hell then it's probably for the best to end it before I get hurt even more.

Either way there has to be a completely honest discussion about what's going on between us

 

[Cliffy78]

I read it as u guys did have an agreement to not fuck other people, I could be wrong though and don't want to reread that whole thing. But anyways no, I don't think your being unreasonable. You should be hurt, I would be. If u can get past that and he agrees to a commited relationship will u be able to forget about his indescretions and not bring it up? That's gonna be big. I think maybe ur a little more "into" him than maybe he is into u. Otherwise just sleeping with u would've been enough. The ? Is will this happen again and how will u know since u met online and, I'm guessing, have totally different sets of friends. Can u not be paranoid that he's fucking around since, in your mind at least, he already has violated an agreement u two made? Do u see what I mean? Is this relationship already doomed?

 

[suzieq70s]

I read it as u guys did have an agreement to not fuck other people, I could be wrong though and don't want to reread that whole thing. But anyways no, I don't think your being unreasonable. You should be hurt, I would be. If u can get past that and he agrees to a commited relationship will u be able to forget about his indescretions and not bring it up? That's gonna be big. I think maybe ur a little more "into" him than maybe he is into u. Otherwise just sleeping with u would've been enough. The ? Is will this happen again and how will u know since u met online and, I'm guessing, have totally different sets of friends. Can u not be paranoid that he's fucking around since, in your mind at least, he already has violated an agreement u two made? Do u see what I mean? Is this relationship already doomed?

I would have thought basic human consideration would have kept him from doing it. And I "assumed" there was a nonverbal agreement to no fucking anybody else. But like bearlove said there was no concrete verbal agreement

And if we are able to talk through this open and honestly and both of us are able to say all that's on our minds about it and we can come to a mutually acceptable agreement then yes I will be able to put it behind me

He is almost honest to a fault. Meaning that he won't lie or sugar coat anything. Its been ingrained in him since he was a child. So I will take him at his word and trust him.

But if I find anything out and I get hurt again then fuck him I'm moving on. I deserve better.

And I ain't gonna lie either. Ending it will hurt like a Bitch. We've been doing this for a little over a year.

Believe me there will be a very thorough talk. I'm just anxious to get the talk done with so I know what the hell is going on. The not knowing is the worst part.

That and being scared to find out this whole time I didn't mean that much to him and I was just a piece of ass

 

[Cliffy78]

I really hope things work out and u find what your looking for with him. It seems like u really like this guy so I wish u all the best. Good luck and god bless

 

[suzieq70s]

I really hope things work out and u find what your looking for with him. It seems like u really like this guy so I wish u all the best. Good luck and god bless

Thank you so much. I do really like him and things have been awesome up until this. And thank you so much for talking honestly with me about it. Honesty is very important to me even when it hurts and that's one of his best qualities. We'll see what happens. Hopefully this talk comes tonight or at least soon

 

[suzieq70s]

Also I have another question about this fwb thing. Any input to this or any of it is greatly appreciated

If it's strictly fwb In my mind I would think you would hang out bullshit and whatnot then fuck then go back to the friend part of just hanging out.

What we do is there is a lot of cuddling on the couch whenever we get together we stay the night together and he cuddles with me in bed and holds me while we sleep. There are random hugs and kisses. He will just randomly kiss me on the cheek head arm leg or whatnot.

To me the latter indicates something a little more than fwb

Am I right or am I wrong. Help shed some light on this or any of it for that matter

 

[Bearlove]

I would have thought basic human consideration would have kept him from doing it. And I "assumed" there was a nonverbal agreement to no fucking anybody else. But like bearlove said there was no concrete verbal agreement

And if we are able to talk through this open and honestly and both of us are able to say all that's on our minds about it and we can come to a mutually acceptable agreement then yes I will be able to put it behind me

He is almost honest to a fault. Meaning that he won't lie or sugar coat anything. Its been ingrained in him since he was a child. So I will take him at his word and trust him.

But if I find anything out and I get hurt again then fuck him I'm moving on. I deserve better.

And I ain't gonna lie either. Ending it will hurt like a Bitch. We've been doing this for a little over a year.

Believe me there will be a very thorough talk. I'm just anxious to get the talk done with so I know what the hell is going on. The not knowing is the worst part.

That and being scared to find out this whole time I didn't mean that much to him and I was just a piece of ass

When your having an open relationship or fwb etc then having a set of clear boundaries is really important so neither one of you gets hurt - expecting the other party to simply guess what your interpretation of the boundaries are just doesn't work. It doesn't sound like you were simply a piece of ass to him (far from it actually) he has openly discussed his fear of commitment which you share - he is spending a lot of time with you and showing affection etc, maybe him having sex with other people keeps a bit of distance in the relationship (that you both wanted).

Also I have another question about this fwb thing. Any input to this or any of it is greatly appreciated

If it's strictly fwb In my mind I would think you would hang out bullshit and whatnot then fuck then go back to the friend part of just hanging out.

What we do is there is a lot of cuddling on the couch whenever we get together we stay the night together and he cuddles with me in bed and holds me while we sleep. There are random hugs and kisses. He will just randomly kiss me on the cheek head arm leg or whatnot.

To me the latter indicates something a little more than fwb

Am I right or am I wrong. Help shed some light on this or any of it for that matter

There is no right or wrong unless you decide its right or wrong - there isn't really a set of rules on what the benefits bit of the FWB are. For some its simply hooking up every now and then for a fuck, for others it could look like they are partners and spend a lot of time together etc. There is a great deal of love in the relationship but they are not in love with them - if he is a loving person then it would be natural for him to show his affection to you.

 

[Cliffy78]

I totally agree with bear, I've had the fwb situation before both ways u describe, some just hook ups and some were really deep, almost in love type relationships. There's no set rules unless u set them ime/IMO.

 

[suzieq70s]

Both of you are right. No talk yet but hopefully in the next day or two. Just scares me that he's gonna so nope I'm out of here. I understand his commitment issues but I'm not wanting him to marry me. I just want to know if what we do (or maybe I want to know if I mean enough to him) to keep him from fucking anybody else while we're doing our thing

 

[Bearlove]

Both of you are right. No talk yet but hopefully in the next day or two. Just scares me that he's gonna so nope I'm out of here. I understand his commitment issues but I'm not wanting him to marry me. I just want to know if what we do (or maybe I want to know if I mean enough to him) to keep him from fucking anybody else while we're doing our thing

You explain that clearly to him - he already likes you and shows that in his actions. Maybe the lines were a bit fuzzy on what was acceptable or how open a relationship you were in etc. If you explain that you don't want him to be seeing anyone when he is with you should make your intentions clear - if he can't handle that type of commitment then its probably for the better that you get out now.

 

[suzieq70s]

Believe me I will. I made it clear when we talked several months ago about stuff that I didn't want him dating anyone else or seeing anyone else. He agreed to it. And he told me when we talked 5 days ago that he isn't seeing anyone else He isn't dating any one else. He said she is just a friend and that is all. They've been friends for a long time.

But then that gray area comes into play. We never talked about actually having sex with anyone else

I hope his feelings match his actions bearlove and that this has all just been a big misunderstanding due to that fn gray area

And you're right if he can't even give me what I consider a very minor commitment then maybe it's best I get out

I'll tell you what this shit isn't easy

 

[Bearlove]

Good luck with this suzieq - I really hope it works out for you.

 

[suzieq70s]

Good luck with this suzieq - I really hope it works out for you.

Thank you

 

[suzieq70s]

In about an hour I'll have either good news or bad news

 

[suzieq70s]

Miscommunication is a Bitch and it didn't end that well. Not horrible but not what I was hoping for. That's all the strength I have to write right now. I'll tell you more later if y'all are interested

 

[One Thousand Words]

I thought fwb simply means no strings attached sex. The no strings implying you can fuck other people.

If you start laying down boundaries then you are no longer fwb, you are a proper relationship

 

[suzieq70s]

Found out today he's been in a relationship with this other girl for 2 weeks and didn't have the balls to tell me before he posted it on Facebook today. When he knew the whole time I wanted a relationship with him. Thought he and I were at least Good enough friends to consider my feelings and tell me first. He said I know I didn't want to upset you by talking to you about it. "What you thought it would hurt less finding out this way"

 

[JackARoe]

SuzieQ, sorry to hear about this painful learning experience for you. I can say the good feelings you had with him came from within you, had nothing to do with this person. In fact the more you got to know him the more it probably got to be less good feeling. Look at people married for years. Real love grows with boundaries and trust. We all have a vision of our perfect person, but that usually only exists in our own head and we apply that to people we think are that. Actually there is no perfect person. But there are good relationships and those are usually with mutual trust, respect, and kindness.

Take that key back to your heart that you gave this guy. That feeling is within you, and give the key back to a better person that will make you happy, really happy, not what we envision or feel should be happy. Really, the Wizard of OZ had a lot of wisdom. It is all you and as time goes on you will give the key to someone worthy. It sounds like this person has his own ideas on what makes him happy. But he is just picking and probing too. Could this work out? Sure it could. But unless he is willing to completely invest himself in you then it won't.

Fact, when I married my wife at 40 years of age, nothing could stop me from being with her and it was mutual. At that age I knew what I wanted, respect and someone with the same values. I would NEVER have had several girlfriends if I were serious about someone.

Now go out and treat yourself kindly. You are worthy and you don't need another human being to make you feel that way. Once you feel whole on your own a partner will appear out of the blue and it will seem a miracle. It will be easy, no wondering about anything and no jealousy or mistrust. It will fall into place without effort. I am married 11 years and still feel the same.