Ruining my life again

[Nas47]

I'm not trying to counter the argument, I'm saying there's two options

option A we do have free will
option B we are entirely pre-constructed

If A is correct, my own assertion of the situation makes a tremendous difference, and if B is correct it makes no difference.

Ergo the only correct assumption of the situation is that A is correct, and act accordingly, since if B is correct, it doesn't matter anyways,
and if A is correct, my own feelings might change a terrible situation, or give me the energy to stop bad behaviour, since said bad behaviour is not predestined to be mine, just more likely. I'm really not seeing the issue with the concept here.

There are scientific arguments that speak for both sides, and yes a lot is pre-programmed through education, environment and genetics, that much is clear, but one should not assume that all is pre-programmed, since if option A is correct, we would be putting ourselves in the situation "I'm genetically doomed to be a drug addict", and never do anything about it, because it just "has to be like this"

It gives yourself an option to say "yes, I'm a drug addict, and there's nothing anyone could do to stop it, because it is 'destiny'."

I'm not saying he's wrong, in fact he's probably right, a lot is most definitely preprogrammed, I'm just saying that maintaining said point of view can only have a negative effect on your life as far as decisions go.

Math is not my strong side.But if we lay upon the holy scripts-yes there is a free will.and yes there is a destiny too.This two are interconnected,cause you are not suposed to know your destiny,you must act with your free will and hope.That why some say man creates his own destiny....but there is and a God Will.Obeing this will we can act without regret,be in peace with ourselves and find a reason to go on times of trouble.Math is everywhere indeed even in Bible

 

[December Flower]

Math is not my strong side.But if we lay upon the holy scripts-yes there is a free will.and yes there is a destiny too.This two are interconnected,cause you are not suposed to know your destiny,you must act with your free will and hope.That why some say man creates his own destiny....but there is and a God Will.Obeing this will we can act without regret,be in peace with ourselves and find a reason to go on times of trouble.Math is everywhere indeed even in Bible

Yeah, you absolutely get my point. Sure we either have free will or we don't. But if we act like we don't have free will, the actions will not be as well-thought-out as they would be, if we take responsibility for our actions, and make them our choices. And if we don't have free will, none of that matters even the slightest

 

[Cdurules]

Hey there. I don't have problems with meth but I have a pretty bad case of alcoholism after a previous addiction to benzodiazepines. Seizures included. 30 cans/bottles of beer, 35-40oz whisky in a day. I'm in wayy over my head right now. My hands are starting to shake again and it scares me. I spent this entire year shaking and not sleeping. This shit won't leave me alone.

My employment is in danger because of this. My boss wants reliable people. I'm not reliable. I can't go an hour without becoming a shaking, anxious, paranoid mess. I really feel for you.

My best advice: keep trying to quit that poison you are taking. Sometimes it requires countless attempts. You need to find some hobbies to try and get your mind off drugs.

How is everything going since your last post few weeks ago?

Everything is just getting worse. But i think I have hope it’s possible for me to stop.. idk honestly I’ve barely slept in months. My appetite has come back which pisses me off. I’m lying in bed with my son right now. He’s asleep. He deserves so much better. What if I die? I just want to stop but I guess I hate how I feel normally and stupid fucking ED has got the reigns again too. I know what u mean about reliability at work, I used to get so annoyed when people were chronically late or whatever.. but when I use I’m the most flaky , lying, untrustworthy POS

 

[Cdurules]

I'll pray for you. I’m doing almost the same thing. Smoking waaaay too much of that shit, not taking care of myself, not caring. Started getting too carried away with it around the first of September. Smoking everyday, nearing the end of my probation. Got off one month early and it was like it was permission or some shit. Now 2 months later. I’m off probation, blew money I was saving for a car on that shit, got caught sleeping at work, went home decided not to return. Over 18 years in a state job. I’m out of control and did this out of boredom?? I’m a fucking idiot. Always have been. I threw my life away over a decade ago. Over 17 years with ex-wife pissed away then I went spiraling downward, quitting jobs (the 18+ yrs was not consecutive but still counted as far as longevity pay and time I accrued, etc. Was evicted in 2015, became homeless for almost 2 yrs, came up with game plan and was making it happen then at age 50 in March of ‘20 got in trouble with law for the very first time with a DWI. Lost car, probation for a year, etc. etc...What compels us to do this to ourselves. What a horrible disease. Maybe being homeless again is what I need (or subconsciously want as it can do amazing things for your faith. Idk?) I’ve been slowly returning to The Lord and that’s what I need and want. Hell, I don’t have much else. So, I’ll send one up to HIM on your behalf and if you pray as well and don’t mind you can send one to HIM for me as well. You can do this as can I but will we? Time will tell. God bless you and your family. -

Thanks for your response. I’m sorry we’re the same because I’ve found this to be a painful existence. You know Pet Semetary by the Ramones? It makes me cry cuz “I don’t want to live this life again.” Hope ur ok, at the moment I guess. I appreciate all the input from everyone at least it helps me maybe believe I’m not a monster

 

[Cdurules]

I’m sorry to hear about the relapse and the difficult emotional circumstances that you are in. I honestly think you are coming down too hard on yourself for recently relapsing. First of all, I can tell that it is your every intention to discontinue using and that you love your child and husband very much. I know this next sentence sounds cliche but it’s scientifically true, that “relapse is part of recovery.” Many contemporary studies on addiction demonstrate that full recovery does not occur in the form of an upward sloaping line, but rather the cycle/stages of addiction (which you may google) occurs more like loops for MOST* (I can’t emphasize this enough) people with substance use disorder.

Whenever you are ready to work on being clean again (ie. enter the action stage of addiction and recovery), will you delete those source contacts, start going to meetings and putting one foot ahead of the other again. You said you are only using meth right now and not opioids right? And if it happens that you relapse again, so what! As long as you get back on the horse and stay clean even longer the next time then it’s all good.

I am quoting all of this theory from the SMART Recovery Handbook. This support group takes a science based and CBT/DBT approach to addiction and they are against shaming someone for accidentally using. Shaming is unproductive and fails to also understand the current scientific theory behind addiction. Are there meetings of some kind near you? SMART, Lifering, NA?

Peace. You are a good mother, a good wife, and a great human being.

I sincerely appreciate that. After reading it I think I felt a flashing sense of peace or calm. I’ve not heard about cyclical patterns with addiction, that’s extremely interesting. There are NA meetings in my area, I started going when shit was spiraling then I just stopped. I went to one the other week but was super late and couldn’t get out of my car. I call that “anxiety paralysis “ lol :/

 

[Cdurules]

Oh shit this sounds very familiar. A lot of confusion and uncertainty (fear, stress etc). Many have two or more lives they live. This is only sustainable for a time. Especially if all the pain and self hate is being balled up inside. Statistics and common sense (and experience) tells me that this never ends well.
Do ya have a plan or intention to divert from the current "path"?
Love

My plans suck. Like I thought ok since I feel really bad and dizzy and my face gets numb when I haven’t used meth for like a day I’ll replace with a feel good drug. I know it’s ridiculous and worse yet all I could scrounge up was subs. I haven’t done any decent opiates in months so figured bup should do something. All that happened was I looked super fucked up and I nodded randomly. How embarrassing, fucking nodding on subs. Anyway, no plan that’s realistic. I’m worried it’ll take me losing it all to make a change. Historically I’ll keep burning everything until I’m forced to stop, by homelessness, no decent drugs or veins left, health failing, no money, etc. I have the choice to stop now before my nightmares come true. Why the fuck can’t I make the choice? I’m a selfish dick that’s why

 

[Cdurules]

Last use was yesterday. Honestly I’ll likely do a cotton shot today. I think I’m done. I owe my dealer money. I’ve pawned my wedding and engagement ring. Manager approached me about my weight loss. Goddamn horror movie in my brain. So anyway, I’m going to try today, to do right things. Thoughts are with you friedpie, and to all who want the darkness lifted.

 

[dragonix]

I am faced with a craving I have no power over the only way this type of urge gets halted is if the police stop me from leaving the pharmacy with an OTC drug I can not pay for right now

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I am faced with a craving I have no power over the only way this type of urge gets halted is if the police stop me from leaving the pharmacy with an OTC drug I can not pay for right now

Roll the dice and take your chances. There are cameras in places you wouldn't think there were.

$500 bond first offense retail fraud.

Good luck.

 

[Cdurules]

Going to rehab. Fuck this.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Going to rehab. Fuck this.

That's great to hear man! Well done for making that decision. I've done detox and rehab more times than I can remember, and it is always SO helpful. Good luck and let us know how you go