Ruining my life again

[Cdurules]

Addict obviously, heroin was doc and took it all then I got it together. Was clean and so confident I was never going back I got married and had a son. I started using meth, love injecting anything. I’m choking down the pain and self hatred and leading two lives. Help plz I want to stop, I love my son I can’t have him turn out an addict too

 

[deficiT]

Addiction runs in families unfortunately. The best thing you can do to avoid having him follow your path, is to try and provide the best example you can, and be there for him when he needs you. I know it's hard when you find yourself addicted, but if you work on it you can make things a lot better for your kid.

 

[Cdurules]

Addiction runs in families unfortunately. The best thing you can do to avoid having him follow your path, is to try and provide the best example you can, and be there for him when he needs you. I know it's hard when you find yourself addicted, but if you work on it you can make things a lot better for your kid.

I don’t know if I can move on from what I’ve done. It’s just unforgivable to use like I am with a perfect child and trusting husband. I know I’m going to end up losing everything again only this time it’s not just my life I’m fucking. I feel constant terror about being caught but more so I’m so horrified at myself. Im a shitty person right now. I steal, lie, it’s getting deep. Noticeable weight loss at work so people are starting to wonder. Just that escape for literally 15 seconds after a big shot is what I’m putting b4 a blessed life. I don’t know how to stop. When I quit dope it’s cuz I saw it out till there were no options. The pain of using and the life it brought outweighed whatever the pain is inside that propels me to use, my veins were shot, unemployable, no car, about to be evicted. I have everything now and why can’t I fucking stop. Cuz now the pain of what I’m doing to my family is driving me insane. I choke down tears constantly I’m just fucked. I hate drugs I fucking hate them all my memories all my life it’s all been drugs and watching life go by. Then I got a second chance. And I’m blowing it. Im still a very good mother to my baby. That’s all I want to do is have him grow into a happy well-adjusted person. My mom passed on her coping skills of adderall when I was 14, not blaming her she did her best but I have no coping skills to teach my child. I never would have had him if I knew I was going to relapse like this. Just rambling now. I feel very alone, it’s very dark and so sad inside my soul.

 

[deficiT]

I don’t know if I can move on from what I’ve done. It’s just unforgivable to use like I am with a perfect child and trusting husband. I know I’m going to end up losing everything again only this time it’s not just my life I’m fucking. I feel constant terror about being caught but more so I’m so horrified at myself. Im a shitty person right now. I steal, lie, it’s getting deep. Noticeable weight loss at work so people are starting to wonder. Just that escape for literally 15 seconds after a big shot is what I’m putting b4 a blessed life. I don’t know how to stop. When I quit dope it’s cuz I saw it out till there were no options. The pain of using and the life it brought outweighed whatever the pain is inside that propels me to use, my veins were shot, unemployable, no car, about to be evicted. I have everything now and why can’t I fucking stop. Cuz now the pain of what I’m doing to my family is driving me insane. I choke down tears constantly I’m just fucked. I hate drugs I fucking hate them all my memories all my life it’s all been drugs and watching life go by. Then I got a second chance. And I’m blowing it. Im still a very good mother to my baby. That’s all I want to do is have him grow into a happy well-adjusted person. My mom passed on her coping skills of adderall when I was 14, not blaming her she did her best but I have no coping skills to teach my child. I never would have had him if I knew I was going to relapse like this. Just rambling now. I feel very alone, it’s very dark and so sad inside my soul.

I'm so sorry you're going through this ): It sounds like you care about your kid a lot... So the compassion is there, I'm sure you have the tools to be a good mother within you.

Maybe you need to press pause on shit and just go to an inpatient rehab and get on maintenance therapy? I know you maybe don't want to admit you relapsed but this might be your best option.

 

[Cdurules]

Thank you. I really do love my son and want to protect him. It’s abhorrent I risk killing myself daily or at least when I have enough crystal for bigger and bigger shots. Part of me recoils from rehab cuz I’ve been there sooo many times. I can’t stand hearing it all again. I’m sick of the details of people’s stories, we’re all the same. Though I guess details that mimic my own would be sickly comforting just cuz I think I’m the most despicable human there is. I also want this to be magically over and I’m touched by god and the desire to use is gone and no one will ever have to know.. but that’s all bullshit and I know it. I see a counselor who’s a ball-buster and that’s helpful. I’m just so low, and cuz of the despair I use and use to keep reality away. Fuck.

 

[dragonix]

How long have you been seeing a counselor if I may pry?

 

[SneakyCosmos]

Aww your poor wife

 

[SneakyCosmos]

Stop ruining your life do it for the kids

 

[Cdurules]

It’s my poor husband. Counseling for about ten years intermittently. DBT/cognitive change of thought patterns was helpful but it’s difficult to maintain as you’re literally brainwashing yourself into someone who you’re not

 

[friedpie]

Thank you. I really do love my son and want to protect him. It’s abhorrent I risk killing myself daily or at least when I have enough crystal for bigger and bigger shots. Part of me recoils from rehab cuz I’ve been there sooo many times. I can’t stand hearing it all again. I’m sick of the details of people’s stories, we’re all the same. Though I guess details that mimic my own would be sickly comforting just cuz I think I’m the most despicable human there is. I also want this to be magically over and I’m touched by god and the desire to use is gone and no one will ever have to know.. but that’s all bullshit and I know it. I see a counselor who’s a ball-buster and that’s helpful. I’m just so low, and cuz of the despair I use and use to keep reality away. Fuck.

I'll pray for you. I’m doing almost the same thing. Smoking waaaay too much of that shit, not taking care of myself, not caring. Started getting too carried away with it around the first of September. Smoking everyday, nearing the end of my probation. Got off one month early and it was like it was permission or some shit. Now 2 months later. I’m off probation, blew money I was saving for a car on that shit, got caught sleeping at work, went home decided not to return. Over 18 years in a state job. I’m out of control and did this out of boredom?? I’m a fucking idiot. Always have been. I threw my life away over a decade ago. Over 17 years with ex-wife pissed away then I went spiraling downward, quitting jobs (the 18+ yrs was not consecutive but still counted as far as longevity pay and time I accrued, etc. Was evicted in 2015, became homeless for almost 2 yrs, came up with game plan and was making it happen then at age 50 in March of ‘20 got in trouble with law for the very first time with a DWI. Lost car, probation for a year, etc. etc...What compels us to do this to ourselves. What a horrible disease. Maybe being homeless again is what I need (or subconsciously want as it can do amazing things for your faith. Idk?) I’ve been slowly returning to The Lord and that’s what I need and want. Hell, I don’t have much else. So, I’ll send one up to HIM on your behalf and if you pray as well and don’t mind you can send one to HIM for me as well. You can do this as can I but will we? Time will tell. God bless you and your family. -

 

[Opi_Kid_Rock]

Thank you. I really do love my son and want to protect him. It’s abhorrent I risk killing myself daily or at least when I have enough crystal for bigger and bigger shots. Part of me recoils from rehab cuz I’ve been there sooo many times. I can’t stand hearing it all again. I’m sick of the details of people’s stories, we’re all the same. Though I guess details that mimic my own would be sickly comforting just cuz I think I’m the most despicable human there is. I also want this to be magically over and I’m touched by god and the desire to use is gone and no one will ever have to know.. but that’s all bullshit and I know it. I see a counselor who’s a ball-buster and that’s helpful. I’m just so low, and cuz of the despair I use and use to keep reality away. Fuck.

I’m sorry to hear about the relapse and the difficult emotional circumstances that you are in. I honestly think you are coming down too hard on yourself for recently relapsing. First of all, I can tell that it is your every intention to discontinue using and that you love your child and husband very much. I know this next sentence sounds cliche but it’s scientifically true, that “relapse is part of recovery.” Many contemporary studies on addiction demonstrate that full recovery does not occur in the form of an upward sloaping line, but rather the cycle/stages of addiction (which you may google) occurs more like loops for MOST* (I can’t emphasize this enough) people with substance use disorder.

Whenever you are ready to work on being clean again (ie. enter the action stage of addiction and recovery), will you delete those source contacts, start going to meetings and putting one foot ahead of the other again. You said you are only using meth right now and not opioids right? And if it happens that you relapse again, so what! As long as you get back on the horse and stay clean even longer the next time then it’s all good.

I am quoting all of this theory from the SMART Recovery Handbook. This support group takes a science based and CBT/DBT approach to addiction and they are against shaming someone for accidentally using. Shaming is unproductive and fails to also understand the current scientific theory behind addiction. Are there meetings of some kind near you? SMART, Lifering, NA?

Peace. You are a good mother, a good wife, and a great human being.

 

[December Flower]

Addiction runs in families unfortunately. The best thing you can do to avoid having him follow your path, is to try and provide the best example you can, and be there for him when he needs you. I know it's hard when you find yourself addicted, but if you work on it you can make things a lot better for your kid.

I mean kind of. Genetics is like 50%, but that doesn't have to mean anything. There's still free will, this is mostly just about how fast you get addicted.
Friends of mine, alcoholism runs in their family pretty big, but the youngest son (he's like 20 i think)
refuses to even take a sip. The kid is completely straight edge. Often the bad examples can be just as good
I know another family where the dad is a heavy drinker, both kids don't really drink alcohol.
My dad's dad was a chain smoker and died at 69, his mom was a painkiller addict, died at 50 or so, my dad only drinks alcohol occasionally, nothing else, I'm clean 9 years, my uncles are both entirely clean, my sisters have smoked the occasional spliff.

 

[deficiT]

I mean kind of. Genetics is like 50%, but that doesn't have to mean anything. There's still free will, this is mostly just about how fast you get addicted.
Friends of mine, alcoholism runs in their family pretty big, but the youngest son (he's like 20 i think)
refuses to even take a sip. The kid is completely straight edge. Often the bad examples can be just as good
I know another family where the dad is a heavy drinker, both kids don't really drink alcohol.
My dad's dad was a chain smoker and died at 69, his mom was a painkiller addict, died at 50 or so, my dad only drinks alcohol occasionally, nothing else, I'm clean 9 years, my uncles are both entirely clean, my sisters have smoked the occasional spliff.

Meh, free will is an illusion. We are slaves to our environment and our individual biochemistry.

 

[December Flower]

Meh, free will is an illusion. We are slaves to our environment and our individual biochemistry.

I do not agree. A thought process like that makes it easier to be OK with addiction, and takes away the responsibility from one's own actions.

While it might be true, one should still assume it is not, because if it isn't true, and one believed it to be true, it might leave one idle to actions against bad traits one might possess, and if it actually is true, it doesn't make a difference what we believe either way.

 

[deficiT]

I do not agree. A thought process like that makes it easier to be OK with addiction, and takes away the responsibility from one's own actions.

While it might be true, one should still assume it is not, because if it isn't true, and one believed it to be true, it might leave one idle to actions against bad traits one might possess, and if it actually is true, it doesn't make a difference what we believe either way.

Exactly. What we believe makes little difference. You act and behave exactly as you've been programmed to since birth. You can call that "free will" if you like, but your actions are built on the precedence of your social programming.

 

[December Flower]

Exactly. What we believe makes little difference. You act and behave exactly as you've been programmed to since birth. You can call that "free will" if you like, but your actions are built on the precedence of your social programming.

That is not what I'm saying. I'm only saying that what you believe makes no difference if it is true that we have no free will.
If we do have free will, it makes a shitload of a difference

So it is better to assume we do have free will and act accordingly

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

You can call that "free will" if you like, but your actions are built on the precedence of your social programming.

Man I have made it my lifes work to break off from this programming of mind and DNA. There are some unsavory traits that have been left behind over the years (taht I was born into) and I did have to accept responsibility and accountability as a result. If ya give me free will shit will not go well for me or anyone else...

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I’m choking down the pain and self hatred and leading two lives.

Oh shit this sounds very familiar. A lot of confusion and uncertainty (fear, stress etc). Many have two or more lives they live. This is only sustainable for a time. Especially if all the pain and self hate is being balled up inside. Statistics and common sense (and experience) tells me that this never ends well.
Do ya have a plan or intention to divert from the current "path"?
Love

 

[Nas47]

Man I have made it my lifes work to break off from this programming of mind and DNA. There are some unsavory traits that have been left behind over the years (taht I was born into) and I did have to accept responsibility and accountability as a result. If ya give me free will shit will not go well for me or anyone else...

So called free will is often more curse than a gift.Cause with free will comes choise,separation and suffering.Because man more often do the wrong than wright.And always must repair something that is not wright

 

[December Flower]

I think he simply wanted to say that more or less, we are all addicts. Just think of sex, that's a primordial impulse deep inside you, again we more and less crave for it, so basically we are born with an heroin addiction without even being asked.
So where is the "free will"?
We might have different point of view, but if there is anything I would get rid of, it would be sex for sure. Luckily I never had a high sex drive otherwise it would be a nightmare, but really, I don't want it. So I am not entirely free.

This is a little offtopic so im gonna shut it right here. However, I would be interested in the OP drug history that lead to this bad moment.

I know some women in a similar situation, like struggling with drugs, multiple partners, children and yes, try to change in better, for the son(s). I don't think he is adult enough that he finished studying and he bought his first own house or car, so yeah remember the son and do your best to give him a happy life and improve yours.

I'm not trying to counter the argument, I'm saying there's two options

option A we do have free will
option B we are entirely pre-constructed

If A is correct, my own assertion of the situation makes a tremendous difference, and if B is correct it makes no difference.

Ergo the only correct assumption of the situation is that A is correct, and act accordingly, since if B is correct, it doesn't matter anyways,
and if A is correct, my own feelings might change a terrible situation, or give me the energy to stop bad behaviour, since said bad behaviour is not predestined to be mine, just more likely. I'm really not seeing the issue with the concept here.

There are scientific arguments that speak for both sides, and yes a lot is pre-programmed through education, environment and genetics, that much is clear, but one should not assume that all is pre-programmed, since if option A is correct, we would be putting ourselves in the situation "I'm genetically doomed to be a drug addict", and never do anything about it, because it just "has to be like this"

It gives yourself an option to say "yes, I'm a drug addict, and there's nothing anyone could do to stop it, because it is 'destiny'."

I'm not saying he's wrong, in fact he's probably right, a lot is most definitely preprogrammed, I'm just saying that maintaining said point of view can only have a negative effect on your life as far as decisions go.