Ok thanks guys again . But I want to give you an idea of how bad my rational brain is at the moment . So like I said earlier, I did my last 30mg Roxie this morning around 8am . I am from the northeast United States. I had grabbed the 2 subs already . I am a waiter at a busy Italian restaurant. However today it happened to be slow . So mid shift I decided, because my messed up brain was getting bored , antsy , depressed, obsessive.... I ripped open a strip and put half under my tounge. About an hour later I said F it, I put the other half under my tounge! Work was slow so I was cut. This was late afternoon. Now I felt "ok" . I did a perc 30 at 8 am and a full 8mg sub by say 6-7pm. Now at this point I was feeling , ok. Slightly buzzed. I took about 1 mg of klonopin that i am prescribed also around 7pm. Now mind you I still had a full suboxone left. I asked a good friend for a loan for a week. So now I have cash in my pocket . And it's frigging burning a whole in there . Even with a full 8 mg sub in me, I call my dealer and go grab 8 perc 30's!!!!! Like , whats wrong with me. So I go get them , come home . I am sitting at my desk staring at those beautiful blue round pills . It's about 8:30 pm now. I couldn't resist. I lined 1 full blue up and sniffed it. Surprised I feel "something" so I immediately line another blue 30 up and sniff it. Now I know I am under the influence at this point from the oxy because I am not bored or depressed. I also like to watch YouTube videos while high . And weird, but I LOVE to go into the bathroom and "groom" my face in the mirror. Like using scissors, trimmers, tweezers and just kinda groom and compulsively trim and pluck and groom my facial hairs and eyebrows. It's so weird. Its unexplainable. Someone chime in on that one also. So a few hours go by and I say F it, line up another and walk to Walgreens and get shit I don't need. I comeback home eat a snack and watch YouTube for an hour. I get my clothes ready for work tomorrow. I hop on bluelight and just before I began to type this , I lined up another blue 30. It is now 1:13 am and I am just so speechless. Not that anyone is here , but I am like besides myself for a number of reasons. I guess I was looking for thoughts, input , ideas, explanations ect ect .
A) how did I even feel the oxy. I definitely do , while taking a whole sub only hours before. I am 39 male , 135lbs , SUPER fast metabolism.
B) it was like I had no control over calling my dealer
C) I am so pissed I spent that money knowing i had subs!
It's a cycle I don't know if I am strong enough or want to even break. I just proved to myself if I have money , I will break down and call my dealer . I am losing my train of thought. Please respond