What 23
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2013
- Messages
- 3,906
This has come up, a couple of times now, for me. Perhaps more, but I have had a couple of experiences, where I have felt a feeling of emotion, that only love satisfies, about someone, and have wanted to tell them, even if I have only just met them. I find it hard to say to family members. I can say it, but it's more a statement of fact, most often, like it might become in a relationship, at times.
But these instances, I have only just met the girl... Or only know her mentally, or have caught a hint of their spirit, and I feel that to tell them I love them, is the only, and most pure form of energy that I want to convey. I fear, though. I don't know why I hold back on these occasions. At the times that I feel this way, it is true. I don't care if they leave after they hear it, not that that is what I want, but I have screwed up enough times and wished that they would know this true, raw, heart of things, instead of the fear, and insecurity, and walling off that happens instead. Just recently it happened again. I met a girl, online, and her words excited me. She called out to me, begging me to keep the ball rolling, make the next move, but the next move for me was telling her I loved her totally, that I wanted to marry her, even if it meant her marrying someone else... That I wanted love for her- her happiness, her excitement and fulfillment, and to not be an impediment to that. And this is one reason I don't say it. Because I know it will work. I know that that is what some girls, and people, want to hear. They, their intensity, wants to be matched, with that reality. But in truth, I don't know if I can keep up, and that's why I also have the feeling of "I want to marry you, even if it means to another"/"I want to fuck you, even if means you being fucked by another".
Anyone feel this way?
I don't know what to say. I just screw up because I worry too much/think too much. I delay, thinking about how I feel... And the girls that have mattered, that have actually made me feel, a day, an hour, a second is too long after the fact.
There's just no balance.
The most recent one, I met her, online. I tapped into her, got her, and she liked me. She told me she was a siren, and that men run from her, because she castrates them/kills them (kills their life before), but she includes that this needs to happen, to start a new life, new fantasies. To explore with someone. I have to admit that the castration, even though I got it, made me sit and say, "hmm", even though I wanted to tell her she can have my balls... Haha. And that she can eat me/kill me. She was an artist, and inspiring of imagination like no other.
After our first conversation/first night, after we connected, and perhaps after my first emotions of love for her and wishing for her fulfillment of enjoyment, etc.... After this, she changed her city to Portland. She already told me she's a "siren", when I asked why men run from her (something she says in her profile on a dating site), and now she's at port, calling me. I stupidly ask, "Did you just move to Portland?"- I was slightly confused. I get enough synchronicity in my life, and meaning with things, and doubt my sanity, enough. This felt personal. She was calling me, like a Siren does. Then she changes it to "Lyon, France". In my photos, I have a lion on my shirt in multiple pictures, or a chimera, or whatever it is called, a Lion with wings. She changed her profile multiple times, finally answering what kind of snake she was (a play with her profile, and something I asked her in the beginning, what kind of snake she thought she was, when she talked about being a snake), as in a Boa, because she'll swallow me. I was turned on. I wanted to be swallowed, enveloped. This girl was something, and I hope she finds her enjoyment. I want to say I probably made the right choice. As I'm a thinker. I feel a lot, but think about it, a lot.
Girls, I should have told her, even though I didn't know her, these thoughts/feelings? Not hold anything back? I hold a lot back. I think a lot. I circle islands for a long time, and then the krakens get me. .. The many thoughts.
And I guess it is insecurity. I live in filth. I haven't swept my apartment in over a year (it kicks up dust and ahh), and don't clean often. It's basically a cave. I don't have a place I want to bring them back to. I set myself up for this failure. I'm pretty much a failure. I'd do okay, I think, if I had a place to bring them back to. I'd be more forthcoming. I'd be more confident. I need a fucking maid. Seriously. Also, there's the fact that I feel sick around people. Until recently, I didn't know why. I'm allergic to fragrances, and women like to wear fragrances. I have reasons, I guess, but I'd still get laid a lot more... If I had a maid. I need to pay someone weekly I guess to come clean. So at least I can have a sex pad.
I had a visitor just after she disabled her account. She disabled her account, I think because of my inaction and waiting. It probably made her crazy. She lived only 45 minutes-1 hour away. Could have happened easily. Explored. Life. The visitor after, was a guy. I don't get any guys visit my profile. His only image was of Robert Downey Jr, and it said "Rules of Life: 1. Fuck. 2. Don't give a fuck. 3. Don't get fucked over..." And I recognized... I did everything wrong.
This is probably blog material. But again, women/girls/those of female sex... Do you want intensity? Do you want to know our feelings as soon as they happen? Are more guys like me fucking themselves over by not being forthcoming as soon as the emotions surface, no matter how, Oh my God I love you, totally, that they are? I kind of think so. So let me know.
Is it better to go face first into things, and experience them, and not care about the future, because if your heart is right, it'll be alright? Yea.. I answer myself.
But these instances, I have only just met the girl... Or only know her mentally, or have caught a hint of their spirit, and I feel that to tell them I love them, is the only, and most pure form of energy that I want to convey. I fear, though. I don't know why I hold back on these occasions. At the times that I feel this way, it is true. I don't care if they leave after they hear it, not that that is what I want, but I have screwed up enough times and wished that they would know this true, raw, heart of things, instead of the fear, and insecurity, and walling off that happens instead. Just recently it happened again. I met a girl, online, and her words excited me. She called out to me, begging me to keep the ball rolling, make the next move, but the next move for me was telling her I loved her totally, that I wanted to marry her, even if it meant her marrying someone else... That I wanted love for her- her happiness, her excitement and fulfillment, and to not be an impediment to that. And this is one reason I don't say it. Because I know it will work. I know that that is what some girls, and people, want to hear. They, their intensity, wants to be matched, with that reality. But in truth, I don't know if I can keep up, and that's why I also have the feeling of "I want to marry you, even if it means to another"/"I want to fuck you, even if means you being fucked by another".
Anyone feel this way?
I don't know what to say. I just screw up because I worry too much/think too much. I delay, thinking about how I feel... And the girls that have mattered, that have actually made me feel, a day, an hour, a second is too long after the fact.
There's just no balance.
The most recent one, I met her, online. I tapped into her, got her, and she liked me. She told me she was a siren, and that men run from her, because she castrates them/kills them (kills their life before), but she includes that this needs to happen, to start a new life, new fantasies. To explore with someone. I have to admit that the castration, even though I got it, made me sit and say, "hmm", even though I wanted to tell her she can have my balls... Haha. And that she can eat me/kill me. She was an artist, and inspiring of imagination like no other.
After our first conversation/first night, after we connected, and perhaps after my first emotions of love for her and wishing for her fulfillment of enjoyment, etc.... After this, she changed her city to Portland. She already told me she's a "siren", when I asked why men run from her (something she says in her profile on a dating site), and now she's at port, calling me. I stupidly ask, "Did you just move to Portland?"- I was slightly confused. I get enough synchronicity in my life, and meaning with things, and doubt my sanity, enough. This felt personal. She was calling me, like a Siren does. Then she changes it to "Lyon, France". In my photos, I have a lion on my shirt in multiple pictures, or a chimera, or whatever it is called, a Lion with wings. She changed her profile multiple times, finally answering what kind of snake she was (a play with her profile, and something I asked her in the beginning, what kind of snake she thought she was, when she talked about being a snake), as in a Boa, because she'll swallow me. I was turned on. I wanted to be swallowed, enveloped. This girl was something, and I hope she finds her enjoyment. I want to say I probably made the right choice. As I'm a thinker. I feel a lot, but think about it, a lot.
Girls, I should have told her, even though I didn't know her, these thoughts/feelings? Not hold anything back? I hold a lot back. I think a lot. I circle islands for a long time, and then the krakens get me. .. The many thoughts.
And I guess it is insecurity. I live in filth. I haven't swept my apartment in over a year (it kicks up dust and ahh), and don't clean often. It's basically a cave. I don't have a place I want to bring them back to. I set myself up for this failure. I'm pretty much a failure. I'd do okay, I think, if I had a place to bring them back to. I'd be more forthcoming. I'd be more confident. I need a fucking maid. Seriously. Also, there's the fact that I feel sick around people. Until recently, I didn't know why. I'm allergic to fragrances, and women like to wear fragrances. I have reasons, I guess, but I'd still get laid a lot more... If I had a maid. I need to pay someone weekly I guess to come clean. So at least I can have a sex pad.
I had a visitor just after she disabled her account. She disabled her account, I think because of my inaction and waiting. It probably made her crazy. She lived only 45 minutes-1 hour away. Could have happened easily. Explored. Life. The visitor after, was a guy. I don't get any guys visit my profile. His only image was of Robert Downey Jr, and it said "Rules of Life: 1. Fuck. 2. Don't give a fuck. 3. Don't get fucked over..." And I recognized... I did everything wrong.
This is probably blog material. But again, women/girls/those of female sex... Do you want intensity? Do you want to know our feelings as soon as they happen? Are more guys like me fucking themselves over by not being forthcoming as soon as the emotions surface, no matter how, Oh my God I love you, totally, that they are? I kind of think so. So let me know.
Is it better to go face first into things, and experience them, and not care about the future, because if your heart is right, it'll be alright? Yea.. I answer myself.
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