Now
Now I see it: a few years
To play around while being
Bossed around
By the taller ones, the ones
With the money
And more muscle, however
Tender or indifferent
They might be at being
Parents; then off to school
And the years of struggle
With authority while learning
Violent gobs of things one didn't
Want to know, with a few tender
And tough teachers thrown in
Who taught what one wanted
And needed to know; then time
To go out and make one's own
Money (on the day or in
The night-shift), playing around
A little longer ("Seed-time,"
"Salad days") with some
Young "discretionary income"
Before procreation (which
Brings one quickly, too quickly,
Into play with some variation
Of settling down); then,
Most often for most, the despised
Job (though some work their way
Around this with work of real
Delight, life's work, with the deepest
Pleasures of mastery); then years
Spent, forgotten, in the middle decades
Of repair, creation, money
Gathered and spent making the family
Happen, as one's own children busily
Work their way into and through
The cycle themselves,
Comic and tragic to see, with some
Fine moments playing with them;
Then, through no inherent virtue
Of one's own, but only because
The oldest ones are busy falling
Off the edge of the planet,
The years of governing,
Of being the dreaded authority
One's self; then the recognition
(Often requiring a stiff drink) that it
Will all soon be ending for one's self,
But not before Alzheimer's comes
For some, as Alzheimer's comes
For my father-in-law now (who
Has forgotten not only who
Shakespeare is but that he taught
Shakespeare for thirty years,
And who sings and dances amidst
The forgotten in the place
To which he's been taken); then
An ever-deepening sense of time
And how the end might really happen,
To really submit, bend, and go
(Raging against that night is really
An adolescent's idiot game).
Time soon to take my place
In the long line of my ancestors
(Whose names I mostly never knew
Or have recently forgotten)
Who took their place, spirit poised
In mature humility (or as jackasses
Braying against the inevitable)
Before me, having been moved
By time through time, having done
The time and their times.
"Nearer my god to thee" I sing
On the deck of my personal Titanic,
An agnostic vessel in the mind.
Born alone, die alone—and sad, though
Vastly accompanied, to see
The sadness in the loved ones
To be left behind, and one more
Moment of wondering what,
If anything, comes next. . .
Never to have been completely
Certain what I was doing
Alive, but having stayed aloft
Amidst an almost sinister doubt.
I say to my children
Don't be afraid, be buoyed
—In its void the world is always
Falling apart, entropy its law
—I tell them those who build
And master are the ones invariably
Merry: Give and take quarter,
Create good meals within the slaughter,
A place for repose and laughter
In the consoling beds of being tender,
I tell them now, my son, my daughter.
-Liam Rector
