Recovery Quitting PST cold turkey

[Momster]

I have been reading through some posts on here, and have decided it might be a good idea to chronicle my journey/struggles getting off PST.
Some Background: I don’t remember really being sober. Since I was a teen I was always taking some form of drug, but opiates have been my go to. I spent years in doctors offices, pain clinics, etc., chasing my drug of choice, oxycodone.
I somehow got off of them when I got pregnant with my son, went back on, then off again, with no severe withdrawal.
Then after having my daughter (she’ll be 7 in Feb) my spine collapsed. I worked through the pain, but by October 2016, I was back on meds, in Dec 2016 I had a spinal fusion, and that was it. Downward spiral.
I was on 15 mg oxycodone from mid 2017, until March 2022. I thoroughly abused them, finishing 120 pills within 2 weeks, then supplementing poppy seed tea the last 2 weeks. It was better early on, but got worse. In March I was finally drug-tested, never went back to the doctor, and started using poppy seed tea full time.
I kept telling myself that I would taper down, or get help with withdrawal and stop. But I hadn’t. I have been using 10 lbs of poppy seeds a week for these months. Wasting a lot of money, hating myself every time I made the brew.
Well, I’m finally done with this shit. I look at my kids and wonderful husband, who have no idea what I have become. I can’t stand what I am, a liar, and an addict who abuses herself and any medication she can find. I’m fucking done with it.
So I have been off the tea, cold turkey, for about 42 hours now. My last several weeks brews were weak, and I think I honestly Started some withdrawal over a week ago. I have been congested, anxious, lethargic, sad, lazy, had some loose bowels, but the water bowels started yesterday. I have had trouble sleeping the past 4 nights, but no RLS yet.
I’m probably deluding myself thinking I’ll escape the rough patch that’s probably heading my way. I’m feeling almost all the symptoms of WD I’ve had in the past when I tried to stop the brew. Except the RLS, and severe stomach cramping. I have taken Imodium, only because pissing water is painful and inconvenient.
I can’t really remember when the RLS set in and the inability to stop moving because of the ants all over feeling. I feel like it had to have been within 36 hours because I never made it past a few days of WD before giving into the beast.
I’m just rambling at this point. I just need to get it off my chest, because im literally alone in this. No one knows what im going through, or what I had become. I was a master at hiding my issue. Right now my family thinks I have a severe sinus infection (which i probably do) and a stomach bug. I want to use this as a pseudo journal to have an outlet for what I experience and progress. And if anyone reads this and has advice, I would welcome it.
I just want my life back. I want my kids to have a mother that is really present. I want my husband to have his wife back. I want to be better than I have been these past several years. And I never want to go back. I have never, in the 25 years of constantly abusing myself, hated who I am so much.
I have 2 lbs of seeds, unknown quality. If I get really bad and can’t function as a mother, I will have to use them and find a doctor for help quick. Pray it doesn’t come to that. Or just pray for me in general. Strength, love, healing, peace. Anything to help me through this.

 

[Momster]

I also forgot to add that I compeltely lost my appetite about 5 days ago. Am I within the withdrawals now, longer than I think? I am drinking plenty of water, and for New Years I tried drinking some hard coffees, which is what set off my bowel issues completely to water. The biggest symptom is the sleeplessness. Waking every 15-30 minutes, restlessness. Otherwise I’m doing much better than I have in the past at this time. Maybe seeds are so nerfed now, I naturally lowered my intake even while continuing the same amounts. So many questions…

 

[Momster]

I have some energy so I’m vacuuming and cleaning up a bit. Been pretty blah the past few days so chores have been forgotten. My sense of smell is super strong and some scents make me sick feeling. Maybe I’ll make a sit down dinner tonight. Maybe not.

 

[Momster]

Time is going slow. This is normal to what I know of withdrawal. I feel slightly lost. I’m looking at my brew kit. Thinking of throwing it all away, keeping the unopened seeds and maybe returning what I can, tossing what I can’t. I feel like I’m being slightly over optimistic.
But this withdrawal is really simple compared to what I have felt in the past. I haven’t tried stopping since I was on both Percocet and PST. Maybe that added to the hell I felt. But also the seeds that I was getting were ok, they did the job, never had any near-death experiences with them. I stuck with the same place for about a year. I know they werent great, being Spanish seeds. I’ve been somewhat trying to taper this past month. Then I decided to not buy from my normal place, and just went with a few lbs from Amazon, knowing they would be shit. Used one (probably Dutch) and then that was it. Been feeling shitty since a week before Christmas. Didn’t know if it was a cold, COVID, flu. Feeing a bit better from it, quit completely after the last crappy seeds, and here I am, nearly 48 hours later. Still feel calm, no outbursts, no RLS. The only truly noticeable thing is the sleepless nights. And not knowing what the fuck to do with myself now.
Your whole day to day schedule revolves around the tea. Making it, consuming it, disposing of used seeds. Rinse and repeat. I have a lot of time on my hands and I need to find projects to keep me sane.
I’m hopeful for once. All the other times were more desperation quits. This time I’m done. The thought of making it disgusts me.
I’m posting a lot for sanity. Also just to get this out there that I tried to quit. To maybe remind myself and others that it’s ok to fuck up and relapse. The hard part is going to be finding out who I am after this many years of being on opiates with only one year long break. Hopefully just a better, more active and happier version of me, without this noose around my neck.
Happy new year, what a great way to start it. If I can do this on my own, I can do anything. Not going to lie, Jesus is helping. I’m not overly religious, but I have bountiful faith regardless of what I have done to myself all these years. Counts for something, right?

 

[Momster]

Showered, did the dishes, and went for a walk with my husband and 2 of the dogs. Feeling very optimistic still. Took some more Imodium, just to get ahead of the issues. Might try to eat for the first time in days. I’m feeling very slightly hungry, which is a good thing.
My luck, as much as I hate to call it that, either my family is having sympathy pains or something, they are feeling icky in their stomachs. So no dinner, just going to make scrambled eggs and toast for all.
I didn’t nap today, and only consumed a bit of caffeine before I started posting. Haven’t taken anything for my sinuses. Only taking the Imodium, and may take some melatonin to try to help me sleep. But if I can’t fall asleep, I’ll read a bit and hopefully get drowsy naturally.
The kids have one more day tomorrow before going back to school. Considering I’ve been pretty blah the whole break, hopefully I can do something fun with them. Even if it’s just taking them with me to walk the dogs and then watching a movie.
Now that I have asked Jesus to get rid of this demon of mine, I feel like anything is possible. Prayer does actually help, I know I have a purpose. And it’s sure as shit isn’t wasting my life on pills and PST, hiding my addiction and being so depressed from it that I didn’t want to do anything else.
My kids deserve better. They think I’m the best mom, but then I have this huge secret gnawing at me night and day. My husband is literally the best man in the world, and supports me no matter what. He knew I was doing something with poppy seeds, but never asked what. He just wanted me to feel better. If he only knew what I was doing to myself, would he have been so damned supportive?
When I’m out of this completely, I will be honest with him about what I was doing to myself. He won’t like it. But I’m sure he’d rather hear about it when it’s done with, than in the thick of it. He’s my best friend, though I am close to my brother, but I’m not ready to share this side of me with him. Other than that, I’m a stay at home mom who is also incredibly isolated and introverted. And I hope this is the start of changing that. I don’t need opiates to function as a human. I used them because I thought it helped me be a better me, and I was wrong. I’m sure I have some major shit to work out. That will come. Not the easiest of childhoods. My brother asks me all the time how we turned out so normal with what we went through. Little does he know…

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Really try to feed yourself, it's important. At least get some vitamins an electrolytes in you. Your body needs nutrients to repair your receptors. Lack of food will prolong withdrawal and make it worse.

Exercise, if possible in your situation, also helps a lot particularly with opioid withdrawal, even though it's probably the last thing you feel like doing.

 

[Momster]

Really try to feed yourself, it's important. At least get some vitamins an electrolytes in you. Your body needs nutrients to repair your receptors. Lack of food will prolong withdrawal and make it worse.

Exercise, if possible in your situation, also helps a lot particularly with opioid withdrawal, even though it's probably the last thing you feel like doing.

I’m going to try to get in some eggs and toast. I have been taking my centrum for women multi vitamin anyway, and also extra magnesium, d3, NAC, elderberry, quercetin, and lots of water.
Thank you for your advice. I will definitely keep moving and doing stuff. And I’ll drink some Gatorade, I’m sure the husband will spare some of his

 

[Momster]

50 hours in, doing pretty good. No awful WD symptoms yet. Managed to eat some scrambled eggs. Going to take some melatonin for bed time, nothing else. I had been trying some Benadryl, for the seriously stuffy nose. But read on a forum today that can make the sleeplessness worse. So going light, just Imodium every 6 hours and melatonin. If anyone comes across this and has any advice for the congestion, let me know.
My brother called me, and I told him what’s happening. He’s amazing, super supportive. I had no doubts he would be, but he was surprised that I’d been doing this to myself for so long. But he said he would be there for me, night or day if I need him. That helps. It felt good to admit to someone (not anonymous) what I have been doing. Kind of freeing. The more I told him, the more he was able to figure out why I would disappear when he’d visit, and why I wouldn’t go down to visit him as often. It was easy to schedule visits when I had the pills. Without them. Impossible.
So I’m going to chill. Hang with my daughter, watch some spongebob and then try to get some sleep. We will see what tomorrow brings, and how the melatonin only does.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

It's great you have someone you can open up to with what you're going through. Going through withdrawal and also having to hide it from people or not having someone to open up to makes it worse psychologically.

I would definitely avoid the benadryl if you can, mostly because if you start having restless muscles or legs it will make it worse.

 

[Momster]

I got better sleep last night. It’s rough, but better than the constant tossing and turning from the other nights. I took 15 mg of melatonin. Slept a few hours, dog got me up, then slept some more. I’m feeling pretty good, later today will be 72 hrs since last brew. Still no RLS. I’m incredibly thankful I haven’t had the worse WD symptoms.
I still don’t have much of an appetite. But I will try to force myself to eat something later. Been drinking lots of water and Gatorade.
I’m feeling optimistic, free, and focused on sticking this out no matter what at this point. I thought it would be much harder, but feel like my odd preparation for this worked well for me.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

My kids deserve better. They think I’m the best mom,

No they don't think that - they know it. This is your anxiety and self reproach, not their thinking

You're doing your very best for them - you didn't choose to become an addict.

They're clearly at the centre of your universe - you're a great mum

 

[Momster]

No they don't think that - they know it. This is your anxiety and self reproach, not their thinking

You're doing your very best for them - you didn't choose to become an addict.

They're clearly at the centre of your universe - you're a great mum

Thank you. Sometimes I forget not to compare myself to others, and that everyone has their pains and mistakes. I needed to hear that today, so thank you.

 

[Momster]

Been having a kind of tired day. Very worn feeling even though I got some pretty connected sleep. The congestion is really getting to me, and I developed a cough, so that was keeping me up a bit.
TMI, but I also got my period, so that’s been fun. Probably adding to my sluggishness. I never do well during it anyway.
Still no RLS, so I’m pretty sure I have either lucked out, or I don’t know at this point. Usually by now, I’d be going nuts, pacing, feeling horrid. I don’t feel any of that. I still feel very optimistic, if not very tired. I’m avoiding napping so that I can have a good nights sleep.
My kids go back to school tomorrow, so I have to get up early, and do all the mom things I do to get them out the door.
Hopefully this congestion goes away soon. It’s pretty horrendous, has effected my voice, and makes me feel pretty bad, like I’m under water. Drinking lots of fluids, still haven’t eaten. I have ZERO appetite. I take tons of supplements, but I know I need to eat soon. Goal of today, eat something. Just the idea of chewing and swallowing tires me out.
I have been tackling laundry, and dishes. Feeding kids and dogs and cleaning up after both. So at least there is that.

 

[Eligiu]

I had no ability to come off PST cold turkey, I was drinking 1.5-2kg of seeds a day and my tolerance was sky high.

The withdrawal is very protracted, just so you're aware. The different alkaloids mean it can go from between 20-30 days.

I elected to use maintenance therapy to do a slow taper, came off, relapsed, and realised I need to stay on maintenance longer due to the length of my drug use and elected to use the injection this time so I don't get annoyed having to dose every day at the chemist.

A lot of people in my city are on maintenance for PST now. In 2020 the first time I went in for maintenance due to PST the state AOD service hadn't heard of it. A year later they had.

Good luck. I'll keep reading as you update.

Immodium and DXM can help alleviate symptoms.

 

[Momster]

I had no ability to come off PST cold turkey, I was drinking 1.5-2kg of seeds a day and my tolerance was sky high.

The withdrawal is very protracted, just so you're aware. The different alkaloids mean it can go from between 20-30 days.

I elected to use maintenance therapy to do a slow taper, came off, relapsed, and realised I need to stay on maintenance longer due to the length of my drug use and elected to use the injection this time so I don't get annoyed having to dose every day at the chemist.

A lot of people in my city are on maintenance for PST now. In 2020 the first time I went in for maintenance due to PST the state AOD service hadn't heard of it. A year later they had.

Good luck. I'll keep reading as you update.

Immodium and DXM can help alleviate symptoms.

Thank you for sharing with me. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, as well. But I’m happy that you’re finding a solution to the withdrawal through maintenance. Keep with it.
Several months ago, when I was getting off the pills/onto pst full time, I frantically was looking for a doctor who would prescribe suboxone for me that took my insurance. Every single one I called didn’t exist anymore. It was pretty upsetting, and I set my mind to quitting somehow without it. I’m doing well, 6 days in. Somehow avoided the normally painful symptoms, physically. My sinuses are finally starting to unswell. Don’t know what that was about, but thank goodness I can breathe at 50% now. I’ve been trying to keep busy the past few days, clean, organize some stuff. Take care of some things I’ve let slide. There is a lot to do, but I’m still not fully motivated. Hopefully that will come, with time.
It’s hard wrapping my head around how I got here. I guess I know how, but I’m still disappointed in myself for it. I’m just happy I’m done with this stuff. It’s time, and for me there will be no going back, ever. It would be easy for me to get mad at the doctors that let me get away with being prescribed so much medication. But ultimately, the fault lies at my feet. I thought I needed them to function. Turns out I was wrong. And I’m glad I know that now.
Kinda nuts how 5+ years of my life was dedicated to this stupid little seed. I can’t get those years back, but hopefully someone sees our struggles, and changes their minds about trying them. It’s not worth it.
Let me know how you’re doing, I’m here if you need support, or just someone to talk at. Stay strong.

 

[Momster]

It’s been a month now, and I’m still opioid free/PST free. Been trying to keep busy. Sleeping better for the most part. I think the cold turkey has messed up my hormones, whether from stress or something else. Hopefully it self corrects cause I don’t want to go to the doctors. I am still having digestive issues. I stopped taking Imodium, and am just dealing with it as best I can.
I told my husband. Mr. Supportive pulls through again. He’s happy for me, and has noticed the difference. I’m lucky to have him.
I find myself still kinda unmotivated and it’s hard to start shit. I don’t really want to go anywhere. I’m still tired all the time. I still have nervous energy, but no will to point it anywhere. Hopefully I can shake this off soon.
Anyone out there who reads these… don’t try PST. If you are stuck on it, try to quit. Find the will power. I’m absolutely much happier, even if slightly less focused. Opioids never made me nod. They gave me energy. Kinda messed up, that’s why I’m having issues. But I’d rather be aimless at the moment, than tied down with this shit ever again.

 

[Ds]

It’s been a month now, and I’m still opioid free/PST free. Been trying to keep busy. Sleeping better for the most part. I think the cold turkey has messed up my hormones, whether from stress or something else. Hopefully it self corrects cause I don’t want to go to the doctors. I am still having digestive issues. I stopped taking Imodium, and am just dealing with it as best I can.
I told my husband. Mr. Supportive pulls through again. He’s happy for me, and has noticed the difference. I’m lucky to have him.
I find myself still kinda unmotivated and it’s hard to start shit. I don’t really want to go anywhere. I’m still tired all the time. I still have nervous energy, but no will to point it anywhere. Hopefully I can shake this off soon.
Anyone out there who reads these… don’t try PST. If you are stuck on it, try to quit. Find the will power. I’m absolutely much happier, even if slightly less focused. Opioids never made me nod. They gave me energy. Kinda messed up, that’s why I’m having issues. But I’d rather be aimless at the moment, than tied down with this shit ever again.

This gave me chillbumps. Thanks for sharing this.
My sobriety date is 1-21-23. That was my last yadig of dope before I checked my broken ass into detox. I'm in a program now because what I didn't realize is when I'm alone, whether it be at a hotel or wherever I start thinking. Hey you know what? A drink sounds nice because why not? It'll take away the alone feeling? Give me a buzz? What I failed to realize is I'm a iv heroin and fentanyl addict too. So once I head to the liquor store, back to the room and take a shot of the vodka, you know what? A shot of heroin/fentanyl sounds good. Plus what else is there to do? Watch tv? Nah fam. I wanted that needle in my arm, and when those ran dry, then the theigh, then hands, then feet , now I'm looking at myself in the mirror hitting my jugular. Having to drink more just so I dont shake and like don't accidently pierce something that is an uhoh.

It took what it took to get me to where it got me. I work a program today (kind of part of the deal here) this time I'm treating this as a fucking illness because I'm sick. Like a cancer patient, if I don't get help for my illness for me to use again is to die.
I don't have another recovery in me, it's death. I don't want to die because I want to someday help those that were just as fucked as I was.

The aloneness I felt is now changed into a fellowship of brothers and sisters whom share the same illness as I. When I feel squirly I call someone, and talk about it.

It's good to hear success stories like yourself, and maybe just maybe you might be able to help another lost soul.

 

[Momster]

I’m glad you are in a program, and not giving in. You aren’t ever alone, not in this day and age of internet. There is always someone who will be there for you, listen to you, give unbidden advice, distraction, etc.
I get the alone part. It’s like an itch, and what does a little scratch hurt. I can honestly say I set my mind to never going back to any of it, and that’s that. After this many years, I’m done. You may have to push your heart a bit, but you seem to have reached that point of now or never, and never isn’t worth it.
Keep distracted during this point. Work, routine, read, whatever it takes to not give in. Fuck the clocks. They make it seem worse, that’s why I decided not to count.
I don’t know that your religious, and how you won’t be offended, but I will pray for you. I’ve never been religious before a couple years ago, always believed in God and ignored Jesus. But when I hit my wall, I gave my addiction to him. Now I truly believe in miracles. It’s not a clean miracle, I still have a road to walk to stay from this. But the ease on my heart, and not feeling alone helped me a lot.
I wish you the best, and if you need a vent partner, I’m here. Stay strong in this, you have this.

 

[plumbus-nine]

Sorry for the stupid question but what is PST?

 

[Conky]

Sorry for the stupid question but what is PST?

i think poppy seed tea