I was on Heroin for over a decade. Just that. I was a painfully loyal lover of Mr. H. I didn't cheat on him with Cocaine, Esctacy, or other stimulants. I was a downer 100%.
Then i got on Methadone. For 13 fuckin years. I tapered from 80mg at the start to 40mg then i just take 40-30mg for the last 7 years.
Then my clinic decided to close because the new hospital director is a fuckin asshole who wants money. The government isn't giving the hospital money anymore so that asshole of a director decided to kick us all out. All 70 MTD patients.
Next clinic for me is 45mins away by car, must go through a paid highway. And don't laugh. I can't drive. Never learned. Also isn't allowed as long i am on these meds.
So i tapered again 2mg one week then 3mg one week to 25mg.
Then one morning when i am supposed to be tapered again to 20mg (even faster coz the clinic gonna close in 2 months), i took 1mg Xanax before i went to clinic. Which made me high as hell.
I was so high and so sick of methadone. U know, everytime u taper u have withdrawal. Everytime u taper u have withdrawal again. And again. And again. Especially below 30mg. It's like shit.
So while high on Xanax i told my doctor, "Doc, i want to just stop Methadone right now. Today. That's it. I'm done."
The doctor at first wanted to precribe me 10mg codeine to counter the withdrawal of 25mg methadone.
I told him, "Doc, 10mg codeine for us is like for cockroach. Even cockroach if u give it Methadone everyday then u switch to 10mg codeine it will fly south and crash."
In this stupid country, so many psychiatrist don't know shit about addiction, withdrawals, nor how we feel, nor what happens after such long term of opioid inside our brain. (Don't ask me which country, i have a reason not to say.)
Like seriously, he wanna give a 13 years Methadone patient 10mg codeine for withdrawal. Methadone, which is 5x stronger than Morphine.
So i educated him and told him to give me 100mg codeine + 50mg tramal 4x a day
1mg Xanax 1x a day to be taken as needed only for panic attacks
10mg Diazepam 1x a day to be taken as needed for muscle pain and spasm
0.15 Clonidine 1x a day to be taken as needed for sleep and muscle pain during sleep.
I am no doctor so i just told him these meds from what i researched and asked around.
Now start the next day...no more Methadone (that bastard).
Not saying Methadone is not useful. It HELPED SAVED MY LIFE from being Mr.H's slave for a decade. But after years on Methadone i am no more an addict. At such low dose of 30mg i don't feel high. I drink Methadone only because i am dependent on it so i don't feel withdrawal. Addiction and Dependence is different. Do they call those people dependent on diabetic meds addicts? No. But for us is like everybody thinks us as an addict forever.
Some days i wake up with withdrawal and i think to myself, why in the fuck do i still have to drink this shit? It's not like i have cancer, or spinal injury, or got crashed by a plane.
Not to mention having always to go to clinic. The stigma. People and even my own father look at me like i am some kind of a disease. Limiting my freedom. Inability to travel anywhere more than a week, coz that is the max take home dose they allow.
The first day without Methadone, i woke up as usual at 4:30am. The Methadone in this country never lasted more than 20 hours. No matter how they insist it last 36 hours. It's a lie.
Maybe because it's mixed with syrup? I have no idea. But every patients agrees it never last more than 20 hours.
I had severe panic attack. So severe my legs were shaking non stop and i was walking in circles in my room. I took 100mg codeine + 50mg tramal, still panic attack. So i took Alprazolam 0.5 mg. Nothing. I took again 0.5mg after 40mins. Nothing. I was sweating, had chills, but no muscle pain (yet). I took the codeine+ tramal 4x a day.
Note: i am not a Benzo addict. I only started taking Alprazolam while i was tapering on Methadone from 30mg to 25mg, twice a week.
At night i made a mistake instead of taking the clonidine i took 10mg of Diazepam + VitD3 and Magnesium.
Day 2:
Woke up at 3am.
Still panic attack, sweating, chills, restless leg syndrome, felt like electrocuted from my spinal cord and the muscle pain started. I took 1.5mg Xanax and i felt NOTHING. I was like WTF?! The Diazepam however works. BUT, only in small dose like 5mg. If i take 10mg i started to have weird stings and muscle pain even more. So weird?!
Day 3:
I took my usual codeine+tramal, gave up on Xanax coz i thought maybe if i rest it a day tomorrow it may work for my panic attacks. I took diazepam instead 2x a day 5mg each. And at night 10mg diazepam again to sleep.
Day 4:
Woke up at 3am
As usual codeine+tramal, then i tried again 1mg Xanax, again, nothing. In the afternoon i tried Clobazam 10mg and it works! I was like huh?
I am not a benzo expert, maybe i'm stupid thinking Xanax would help me better.
At night i took clonidine 0.15mg to sleep. I slept like a baby.
Day 5:
I woke up at 5:45am! An improvement! With anxiety, no more panic attacks. But drowsy from Clonidine. Yesterday i also asked my doc to prescribe me clobazam 10mg 4x a day. I took them with the codeine+tramal. I was so drowsy whole day. Before day 5 i could not feel the opiate/opioid i assume because my Methadone is still blocking them. At night i didn't take the clobazam nor clonidine but i took 5mg Diazepam. Again, big mistake.
Day 6 (today)
I woke up still with some anxiety but not as intense, at 3am. I should have took clonidine, i would have slept better. I woke up because some fibromyalgia while laying down, which gets better if i stand up/ wake up.
I took codeine+tramal again, same dose. I should have asked my doc to taper the dose but i heard Methadone's withdrawal is the same day to day up to 15 days unlike H's withdrawal that goes down each day.
I havent take the clobazam. Doc said clobazam is safer than xanax coz it doesnt build tolerance.
But it makes me so drowsy like a Zombie.
Today i also feel needle like pain on my right lower stomach just on the right side above the navel, i can only pray it isn't my kidney complaining due to all these strong meds.
I am 45 years old. And scared to death of Benzo addiction from what i read around. Which could cause seizure even death. However my doc told me, "If you need it, you need it. Take it for now and we'll plan later after day 15."
I imagine in my mind, "Shiet, by day 15 i would be a Benzo addict. Right? Right?!?"
But now i also feel depressed. I need that happy euphoric feeling of Xanax. Which doesnt do anything to me anymore. OMG am i craving benzo already.
I want to try SSRI, i have zoloft and escitalopram but scared to take it. If i remember correctly SSRI stops opiate/opioid from working. So maybe this will cause me withdrawal. I'm not sure.
I also have no idea why the xanax was working when i was on Methadone. Then stopped working instantly like a bitch when i am on Codeine + Tramal?
I read that benzo blocks opiate or something like that but never heard of opiate blocks benzo.
Is it the codeine? Is it the tramal?
But isn't Diazepam and Clobazam benzos too? Why they work?!?
I am so depressed right now i don't know what to do. Now it's still early in the morning, i'll probably come back and update...
Then i got on Methadone. For 13 fuckin years. I tapered from 80mg at the start to 40mg then i just take 40-30mg for the last 7 years.
Then my clinic decided to close because the new hospital director is a fuckin asshole who wants money. The government isn't giving the hospital money anymore so that asshole of a director decided to kick us all out. All 70 MTD patients.
Next clinic for me is 45mins away by car, must go through a paid highway. And don't laugh. I can't drive. Never learned. Also isn't allowed as long i am on these meds.
So i tapered again 2mg one week then 3mg one week to 25mg.
Then one morning when i am supposed to be tapered again to 20mg (even faster coz the clinic gonna close in 2 months), i took 1mg Xanax before i went to clinic. Which made me high as hell.
I was so high and so sick of methadone. U know, everytime u taper u have withdrawal. Everytime u taper u have withdrawal again. And again. And again. Especially below 30mg. It's like shit.
So while high on Xanax i told my doctor, "Doc, i want to just stop Methadone right now. Today. That's it. I'm done."
The doctor at first wanted to precribe me 10mg codeine to counter the withdrawal of 25mg methadone.
I told him, "Doc, 10mg codeine for us is like for cockroach. Even cockroach if u give it Methadone everyday then u switch to 10mg codeine it will fly south and crash."
In this stupid country, so many psychiatrist don't know shit about addiction, withdrawals, nor how we feel, nor what happens after such long term of opioid inside our brain. (Don't ask me which country, i have a reason not to say.)
Like seriously, he wanna give a 13 years Methadone patient 10mg codeine for withdrawal. Methadone, which is 5x stronger than Morphine.
So i educated him and told him to give me 100mg codeine + 50mg tramal 4x a day
1mg Xanax 1x a day to be taken as needed only for panic attacks
10mg Diazepam 1x a day to be taken as needed for muscle pain and spasm
0.15 Clonidine 1x a day to be taken as needed for sleep and muscle pain during sleep.
I am no doctor so i just told him these meds from what i researched and asked around.
Now start the next day...no more Methadone (that bastard).
Not saying Methadone is not useful. It HELPED SAVED MY LIFE from being Mr.H's slave for a decade. But after years on Methadone i am no more an addict. At such low dose of 30mg i don't feel high. I drink Methadone only because i am dependent on it so i don't feel withdrawal. Addiction and Dependence is different. Do they call those people dependent on diabetic meds addicts? No. But for us is like everybody thinks us as an addict forever.
Some days i wake up with withdrawal and i think to myself, why in the fuck do i still have to drink this shit? It's not like i have cancer, or spinal injury, or got crashed by a plane.
Not to mention having always to go to clinic. The stigma. People and even my own father look at me like i am some kind of a disease. Limiting my freedom. Inability to travel anywhere more than a week, coz that is the max take home dose they allow.
The first day without Methadone, i woke up as usual at 4:30am. The Methadone in this country never lasted more than 20 hours. No matter how they insist it last 36 hours. It's a lie.
Maybe because it's mixed with syrup? I have no idea. But every patients agrees it never last more than 20 hours.
I had severe panic attack. So severe my legs were shaking non stop and i was walking in circles in my room. I took 100mg codeine + 50mg tramal, still panic attack. So i took Alprazolam 0.5 mg. Nothing. I took again 0.5mg after 40mins. Nothing. I was sweating, had chills, but no muscle pain (yet). I took the codeine+ tramal 4x a day.
Note: i am not a Benzo addict. I only started taking Alprazolam while i was tapering on Methadone from 30mg to 25mg, twice a week.
At night i made a mistake instead of taking the clonidine i took 10mg of Diazepam + VitD3 and Magnesium.
Day 2:
Woke up at 3am.
Still panic attack, sweating, chills, restless leg syndrome, felt like electrocuted from my spinal cord and the muscle pain started. I took 1.5mg Xanax and i felt NOTHING. I was like WTF?! The Diazepam however works. BUT, only in small dose like 5mg. If i take 10mg i started to have weird stings and muscle pain even more. So weird?!
Day 3:
I took my usual codeine+tramal, gave up on Xanax coz i thought maybe if i rest it a day tomorrow it may work for my panic attacks. I took diazepam instead 2x a day 5mg each. And at night 10mg diazepam again to sleep.
Day 4:
Woke up at 3am
As usual codeine+tramal, then i tried again 1mg Xanax, again, nothing. In the afternoon i tried Clobazam 10mg and it works! I was like huh?
I am not a benzo expert, maybe i'm stupid thinking Xanax would help me better.
At night i took clonidine 0.15mg to sleep. I slept like a baby.
Day 5:
I woke up at 5:45am! An improvement! With anxiety, no more panic attacks. But drowsy from Clonidine. Yesterday i also asked my doc to prescribe me clobazam 10mg 4x a day. I took them with the codeine+tramal. I was so drowsy whole day. Before day 5 i could not feel the opiate/opioid i assume because my Methadone is still blocking them. At night i didn't take the clobazam nor clonidine but i took 5mg Diazepam. Again, big mistake.
Day 6 (today)
I woke up still with some anxiety but not as intense, at 3am. I should have took clonidine, i would have slept better. I woke up because some fibromyalgia while laying down, which gets better if i stand up/ wake up.
I took codeine+tramal again, same dose. I should have asked my doc to taper the dose but i heard Methadone's withdrawal is the same day to day up to 15 days unlike H's withdrawal that goes down each day.
I havent take the clobazam. Doc said clobazam is safer than xanax coz it doesnt build tolerance.
But it makes me so drowsy like a Zombie.
Today i also feel needle like pain on my right lower stomach just on the right side above the navel, i can only pray it isn't my kidney complaining due to all these strong meds.
I am 45 years old. And scared to death of Benzo addiction from what i read around. Which could cause seizure even death. However my doc told me, "If you need it, you need it. Take it for now and we'll plan later after day 15."
I imagine in my mind, "Shiet, by day 15 i would be a Benzo addict. Right? Right?!?"
But now i also feel depressed. I need that happy euphoric feeling of Xanax. Which doesnt do anything to me anymore. OMG am i craving benzo already.
I want to try SSRI, i have zoloft and escitalopram but scared to take it. If i remember correctly SSRI stops opiate/opioid from working. So maybe this will cause me withdrawal. I'm not sure.
I also have no idea why the xanax was working when i was on Methadone. Then stopped working instantly like a bitch when i am on Codeine + Tramal?
I read that benzo blocks opiate or something like that but never heard of opiate blocks benzo.
Is it the codeine? Is it the tramal?
But isn't Diazepam and Clobazam benzos too? Why they work?!?
I am so depressed right now i don't know what to do. Now it's still early in the morning, i'll probably come back and update...
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, fuck even better! I was nodding a bit. So weird huh?
