"Failure is always the best way to learn,
retracing your steps until you know.
have no fear your wounds will heal"
I've found a lot of my answers in music. It's kept me company through it all. Random thought for you, elpatrony - what are you listening to now? What were you listening to then? Have you tried something new? No need to post it at all, just internalize that, and maybe you can find yourself some peace while you figure your shit out. Last little slump I went through, you couldn't catch me without my sennheisers on, just trying to find something new that could "click" and help to focus my thoughts. I've been digging through the music threads here for years as a lurker.
For what it's worth, the only trip I could loosely classify as "bad" was from when I was about your age (~18yrs) - ditto the drug use, alcohol intake, and "I can take any drug in any amount in any scenario" mentality. Funnily enough, this was a shroom trip in the park during dusk, right when a thunderstorm was starting. It was beautiful. Eventually I started seeing "foreboding faces" coming out of the sky, and all the while knowing it was an illusion, and that was probably the first time I experienced true terror. All while "knowing" what was going on. Of course, there's nothing like feeling that you are being attacked from the inside - fighting that feeling is not something many can master without some time. Anyway, I beckoned to my people it was time to head back to the fort, where a bunch of truly bizzarre experiences permeated the night. I'll spare you the rest, but yeah, that night had sure shook me up. Not exactly like your ego death experience, but I couldn't help but notice the similarities. But again, for what it's worth, I've had many beautiful experiences since then - After I got the whole "bad trip" thing out of the way, I had nothing to fear. You have nothing to fear. I know this is an HR website, and this is my first post, so I don't want to set the wrong tone or anything... personally, after my experience, the only thing left for me to do was to go trip again. Facing it, so to speak. Psychs are a powerful tool - they can go either way. Also, I was lucky enough to eventually meet a "guide" so to speak - He helped point me in the right direction. That could help. Solid relationships help. You gotta let go, lose your fear of rejection or not having the right things to say, and jump right in. You'll build up your own self respect. Be who you can be at the moment. You'll run into somebody you can relate to. There's seven fucking billion of us here.
Sorry to ramble. Point being, keep your mind open.. you'll fall into something. I don't think the answers you need right now lie within. Go and start searching. Cheers.
EDIT - oh yeah, first post, so hi guys. /creep I've been lurking here for years so I already know who some of you are.. //creep ...I've just never gotten around to posting. Thanks for having me.