PTSD & Shrooms

[Elpatron69]

I've done some research on Neuroplasticity... Really interesting subject. People have traumatic experiences thrown at them left and right throughout their lives and somehow the brain manages to find it's balance again. As long as one allows themselves to heal and move forward, then the brain should do it's job of recovering. Or, one can take steps backwards into some higher anxiety

 

[Elpatron69]

"Failure is always the best way to learn,
retracing your steps until you know.
have no fear your wounds will heal"

I've found a lot of my answers in music. It's kept me company through it all. Random thought for you, elpatrony - what are you listening to now? What were you listening to then? Have you tried something new? No need to post it at all, just internalize that, and maybe you can find yourself some peace while you figure your shit out. Last little slump I went through, you couldn't catch me without my sennheisers on, just trying to find something new that could "click" and help to focus my thoughts. I've been digging through the music threads here for years as a lurker.

For what it's worth, the only trip I could loosely classify as "bad" was from when I was about your age (~18yrs) - ditto the drug use, alcohol intake, and "I can take any drug in any amount in any scenario" mentality. Funnily enough, this was a shroom trip in the park during dusk, right when a thunderstorm was starting. It was beautiful. Eventually I started seeing "foreboding faces" coming out of the sky, and all the while knowing it was an illusion, and that was probably the first time I experienced true terror. All while "knowing" what was going on. Of course, there's nothing like feeling that you are being attacked from the inside - fighting that feeling is not something many can master without some time. Anyway, I beckoned to my people it was time to head back to the fort, where a bunch of truly bizzarre experiences permeated the night. I'll spare you the rest, but yeah, that night had sure shook me up. Not exactly like your ego death experience, but I couldn't help but notice the similarities. But again, for what it's worth, I've had many beautiful experiences since then - After I got the whole "bad trip" thing out of the way, I had nothing to fear. You have nothing to fear. I know this is an HR website, and this is my first post, so I don't want to set the wrong tone or anything... personally, after my experience, the only thing left for me to do was to go trip again. Facing it, so to speak. Psychs are a powerful tool - they can go either way. Also, I was lucky enough to eventually meet a "guide" so to speak - He helped point me in the right direction. That could help. Solid relationships help. You gotta let go, lose your fear of rejection or not having the right things to say, and jump right in. You'll build up your own self respect. Be who you can be at the moment. You'll run into somebody you can relate to. There's seven fucking billion of us here.

Sorry to ramble. Point being, keep your mind open.. you'll fall into something. I don't think the answers you need right now lie within. Go and start searching. Cheers.


EDIT - oh yeah, first post, so hi guys. /creep I've been lurking here for years so I already know who some of you are.. //creep ...I've just never gotten around to posting. Thanks for having me.

Yeah music is definitely a huge motivator for me.. I've dropped all the pink Floyd just because that music drives me insane LOL, and have turned to more positive edm (as gay as it sounds). One thing I'm especially conscious of as of now is my inability to come up with words in conversation as easily and I tend to mess up my sentences quite a bit. I still haven't figured out the reasoning behind this... My hypotheses so far.. 1. The anxiety and depression generated from the bad trip don't allow me to focus very well in conversation, hence I stutter or mumble sometimes. I'm also not as in touch with myself and don't have as great of a sense of self anymore 2. I used to take a lot of adderall, which allowed me to come off as a quick witted person with great conversational skills.. Maybe I'm trying to mimic the speech skills I used to have on adderall, which is nearly impossible to do sober.. And I'm failing to come close to how I was able to speak on adderall 3. Or maybe I've just always been this way, and the shrooms have just made me especially conscious about it. 4. Maybe it's a combination of everything I've listed above... I'm still trying to figure it out

All I know is that while people have the natural gift of being great communicators and being able to speak with confidence and without really thinking twice about it.. A lot of other people don't have this gift. But I still feel like communication is a skill that can be learned. I feel like I'm a lot better at expressing my thoughts through writing in comparison to others, and I've always been that way, although others have generally had better verbal communication skills than me. Its simply because I tend to think a lot before I say things, to avoid saying something stupid. I'm much more introspective than others. However, I've noticed as I've been getting older, I've felt more comfortable in social situations and had an easier time expressing my thoughts without hesitation in college. But the bad trip has hindered my mind into it's own little corner and I've taken sooo many steps back I feel like

 

[Infinitum Nihil]

Everybody has hit a rut or two throughout their life. Communication wise, you seem quite adept. Don't worry about being quick or witty. Focus on what you find important during a conversation, and take your time to respond. Try focusing on others, be considerate - to take your mind off of your own issues. Plenty of people can use a considerate ear. Try helping other people through their issues to help you move through your own. I sure do wish more people would slow down and generate a well thought response... there's no rush. Don't worry about how you sound, just make sure you articulate properly. Take your time and respond when you feel like you have the response. Remember, the ego itself is shaped from previous examples of response to stimulus, so it'd be safe to assume that after ego death, it would experience a rebuilding phase, based on experience. So, focus on your strengths during conversation (your intelligence, etc). Don't be afraid to change, and let go of your past. I've been through this exact same situation, for a multitude of reasons... just be who you are, try to focus, and don't worry about the result. It all comes together in due time. Your old ego is gone. You didn't need it anyway.

 

[Elpatron69]

Everybody has hit a rut or two throughout their life. Communication wise, you seem quite adept. Don't worry about being quick or witty. Focus on what you find important during a conversation, and take your time to respond. Try focusing on others, be considerate - to take your mind off of your own issues. Plenty of people can use a considerate ear. Try helping other people through their issues to help you move through your own. I sure do wish more people would slow down and generate a well thought response... there's no rush. Don't worry about how you sound, just make sure you articulate properly. Take your time and respond when you feel like you have the response. Remember, the ego itself is shaped from previous examples of response to stimulus, so it'd be safe to assume that after ego death, it would experience a rebuilding phase, based on experience. So, focus on your strengths during conversation (your intelligence, etc). Don't be afraid to change, and let go of your past. I've been through this exact same situation, for a multitude of reasons... just be who you are, try to focus, and don't worry about the result. It all comes together in due time. Your old ego is gone. You didn't need it anyway.

Some of the best advice I've gotten so far. I was turning into a douchebag anyways

 

[Elpatron69]

The worst part I can definitely say is the derealization. It's just so prevalent it drives me insane... it comes up especially during times of stress. People with similar experiences as me claim that it goes away. But I'm so convinced that it just never will and it drives me even crazier.

 

[Si Dread]

The worst part I can definitely say is the derealization. It's just so prevalent it drives me insane... it comes up especially during times of stress. People with similar experiences as me claim that it goes away. But I'm so convinced that it just never will and it drives me even crazier.

Nah, it will defnitely ease as time goes by, stay positive!

Glad you mentioned music because along with my cat & my gf & my friends, (and my FOOD! Lol) music has helped me hugely in battling anxiety & depression. Listening to music take me away from everything that bothers me! Food has interested me since the end of a long-term relationship meant I had to cook more for myself. I now have an interest in sourcing good quality vegetables & meats & learning new ways of putting them together. Not only do I end up with a healthy diet, but I use up time that I could spend worrying or getting stoned cooking good food! Along with my regular excercise regime, eating well & staying straight are the single best moves towards good mental health.

You mentioned a coffee habit. Watch that mate, along with alcohol, I found caffiene to be one of the major triggers for anxiety & depression. Smoking weed regularly does not seem to have any obvious adverse affect on my moods but caffiene & alcohol definitely do!

Your sense of humour appears unaffacted, so it's not all bad!

 

[RhythmSpring]

"Failure is always the best way to learn,
retracing your steps until you know.
have no fear your wounds will heal"

I've found a lot of my answers in music. It's kept me company through it all. Random thought for you, elpatrony - what are you listening to now? What were you listening to then? Have you tried something new? No need to post it at all, just internalize that, and maybe you can find yourself some peace while you figure your shit out. Last little slump I went through, you couldn't catch me without my sennheisers on, just trying to find something new that could "click" and help to focus my thoughts. I've been digging through the music threads here for years as a lurker.

For what it's worth, the only trip I could loosely classify as "bad" was from when I was about your age (~18yrs) - ditto the drug use, alcohol intake, and "I can take any drug in any amount in any scenario" mentality. Funnily enough, this was a shroom trip in the park during dusk, right when a thunderstorm was starting. It was beautiful. Eventually I started seeing "foreboding faces" coming out of the sky, and all the while knowing it was an illusion, and that was probably the first time I experienced true terror. All while "knowing" what was going on. Of course, there's nothing like feeling that you are being attacked from the inside - fighting that feeling is not something many can master without some time. Anyway, I beckoned to my people it was time to head back to the fort, where a bunch of truly bizzarre experiences permeated the night. I'll spare you the rest, but yeah, that night had sure shook me up. Not exactly like your ego death experience, but I couldn't help but notice the similarities. But again, for what it's worth, I've had many beautiful experiences since then - After I got the whole "bad trip" thing out of the way, I had nothing to fear. You have nothing to fear. I know this is an HR website, and this is my first post, so I don't want to set the wrong tone or anything... personally, after my experience, the only thing left for me to do was to go trip again. Facing it, so to speak. Psychs are a powerful tool - they can go either way. Also, I was lucky enough to eventually meet a "guide" so to speak - He helped point me in the right direction. That could help. Solid relationships help. You gotta let go, lose your fear of rejection or not having the right things to say, and jump right in. You'll build up your own self respect. Be who you can be at the moment. You'll run into somebody you can relate to. There's seven fucking billion of us here.

This guy knows what's up.

 

[Elpatron69]

This guy knows what's up.

Yes he's a G

 

[Elpatron69]

hmm weed and high dose shrooms= bad trip? who would have thought8)

for one thing- you can get better but you have to see that it is a possibility.

how much adderal did you do and for how long? because speed caused the biggest and longest depression of my life BUT eventually it got better.

maybe now you are just dealing with underlying issues that you burried with your heavy drink/weed/speed intake. nobody takes all those drugs all the time without there being some trigger underneath.

go see a counsellor.

do you like where you are? job wise? how are your social support networks?

I'm definitely feeling better.. Just trying to determine why I stutter at times and mix my words around. It's hard for me to focus my thoughts on a consistent basis... By chance do you know if the psychological dependency of adderall is a big factor in generating these abnormalities in speech? Like the fact that I was often times very clear in my head for about a year on adderall and just stopped cold turkey about 6 months ago.. Would this be a clear indication of my speech impairment? Like I said before I was generally taking about 40-60 mg of adderall around 3 times a week, sometimes 4. Every once in a while dosages would reach 100 mg but would never top that.. And that was never taken all at once, just throughout a given day. I'm still trying to determine what really caused my speech to be this way.. And also, would I be able to recover from it?

 

[DaveTripper]

Yeah music is definitely a huge motivator for me.. I've dropped all the pink Floyd just because that music drives me insane LOL, and have turned to more positive edm (as gay as it sounds). One thing I'm especially conscious of as of now is my inability to come up with words in conversation as easily and I tend to mess up my sentences quite a bit. I still haven't figured out the reasoning behind this... My hypotheses so far.. 1. The anxiety and depression generated from the bad trip don't allow me to focus very well in conversation, hence I stutter or mumble sometimes. I'm also not as in touch with myself and don't have as great of a sense of self anymore 2. I used to take a lot of adderall, which allowed me to come off as a quick witted person with great conversational skills.. Maybe I'm trying to mimic the speech skills I used to have on adderall, which is nearly impossible to do sober.. And I'm failing to come close to how I was able to speak on adderall 3. Or maybe I've just always been this way, and the shrooms have just made me especially conscious about it. 4. Maybe it's a combination of everything I've listed above... I'm still trying to figure it out

All I know is that while people have the natural gift of being great communicators and being able to speak with confidence and without really thinking twice about it.. A lot of other people don't have this gift. But I still feel like communication is a skill that can be learned. I feel like I'm a lot better at expressing my thoughts through writing in comparison to others, and I've always been that way, although others have generally had better verbal communication skills than me. Its simply because I tend to think a lot before I say things, to avoid saying something stupid. I'm much more introspective than others. However, I've noticed as I've been getting older, I've felt more comfortable in social situations and had an easier time expressing my thoughts without hesitation in college. But the bad trip has hindered my mind into it's own little corner and I've taken sooo many steps back I feel like

Dude after reading this thread I feel like we went/are going through the exact same thing. From the bad trip to the emotional distress afterwards (I saw a therapist who actually used psychedelics herself and she diagnosed me with PTSD from my series of bad trips) to not being as socially adept as I once was... it's like we're the same person lol. It's been over three years since my last trip and for some reason I find myself wanting to trip again. Like, I have this feeling that if I can prove to myself that I can still have a fun enjoyable experience on a psychedelic drug that I will finally be able to let go of what happened and forgive myself AND truly realize that I haven't permanently damaged myself.

One thing I'll tell you is that I feel way better NOW than I did in the months after my bad trips. Time definitely helps. Just don't go down the road I did and start using drugs to cope with the emotional distress. Luckily I'm out of that now but I was pretty bad for about a year.

 

[Elpatron69]

Dude after reading this thread I feel like we went/are going through the exact same thing. From the bad trip to the emotional distress afterwards (I saw a therapist who actually used psychedelics herself and she diagnosed me with PTSD from my series of bad trips) to not being as socially adept as I once was... it's like we're the same person lol. It's been over three years since my last trip and for some reason I find myself wanting to trip again. Like, I have this feeling that if I can prove to myself that I can still have a fun enjoyable experience on a psychedelic drug that I will finally be able to let go of what happened and forgive myself AND truly realize that I haven't permanently damaged myself.

One thing I'll tell you is that I feel way better NOW than I did in the months after my bad trips. Time definitely helps. Just don't go down the road I did and start using drugs to cope with the emotional distress. Luckily I'm out of that now but I was pretty bad for about a year.

Holy shit I can relate to everything your saying and feel like were on the same terms about everything. Are you more socially adept now compared to how you once were? And do you find yourself improving day by day? As dumb as it sounds, honestly for me all it took was a little speed (don't know how I didn't get a panic attack) to remind myself about socially adept I truly am, and how intelligent I am. I had to remind myself that deep down I'm still all there. For a week or two I was popping xanax religiously just because it would allow for soo much relief to socialize again. But I stopped taking Xanax knowing that in the back of my head that the normal I felt while under the influence of it wasn't real. I know I need to recover with the absence of drugs to cope with recovery and find myself again naturally. I can totally relate to what your saying about tripping again to somehow cancel out the prolonged shitty perspective that shrooms have induced upon me. I feel like a really good trip would allow me to become motivated and optimistic about life again. I only see my depression getting worse. This is also the first time I've lived with no drugs in 2 years. When I heard about research suggesting that MDMA helps people recover from PTSD, I totally believed it thinking back to how speed just allowed me to put things in perspective again. While shrooms and PTSD probably don't damage the brain at all, the permanent change in perspective seemingly makes it so. Your true personality is masked by depression and anxiety.. And a drug like MDMA or speed allows for a reminder of euphoria and brightness that you once felt. Again, and like you said, it's dumb to become dependent on these drugs during a recovery process... But just taking it once in a great while to remind oneself about what happiness feels like seems beneficial in my eyes.

My depression is getting worse it seems like, but I feel like it's all due to the absence of drugs, not having too many friends, not having a girlfriend (big factor), shitty grades in school, having a shitty job, and having no motivation to get out and socialize because of the fear that I am not socially adept enough to do so. I have sworn to stay sober until I'm 21, with the exception of going out and having a few beers to socialize. I'm sticking to this promise to myself, and will seem help if I feel it's needed when I turn 21 ( in 7 months)

 

[Carlossssss27]

I don't know if your still on this forum. But did you ever trip again? How do you feel now 3 years later? Hope you reply lol