custard
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2010
- Messages
- 151
Hello.
Bit of backstory: After suffering from depression for years, I feel that I have tried everything. Three months in the desert for intensive wilderness therapy, followed by living in a transition program, good exercise and sleeping habits, yoga, mediation, individual and group therapy, antidepressants (SSRIs, NDRIs), a healthy social network - the works. Many of these things have helped me a lot and I feel I've come a long way in the last couple of years.
BUT... I still feel that I am suffering from chronic depression, and generally speaking I feel pretty unmotivated to do much of anything, and feel there is a huge wall between me and myself, me and the rest of the world. You know what depression feels like.
I've experimented for recreational and spiritual purposes with various psychedelic drugs over the past few years as well. I've found that (as many studies are currently proving) NMDA receptor antagonists, AKA ketamine and DXM, have worked wonders as antidepressants for me. I've used classic psychedelics less (done acid a few times), but it has also served as a powerful antidepressant for me. Immediately after use of these drugs I feel myself, I feel free, playful, the world becomes meaningful again, I have drive, I feel connected, etc. Unfortunately this feeling only stays with me for 1-2 days after using, and then depression returns.
Something I tried recently (about 1.5 months ago) was ayahuasca, at a shamanic ceremony. It was an incredible experience and my depression was lifted, and I feel I learned a lot about myself. But gradually this feeling began to fade, and a few weeks after the ceremony I felt I was back at square one. If I had access to this powerful medicine I would definitely try it again, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience I think, (and was also in the Netherlands - I don't know any shamans around here (Toronto, Canada.))
Anyway to cut to the chase: I'm really just looking for some help here. I feel at a loss. I have already built a very high tolerance to DXM, and my stomach also seems much less able to keep it down than it used to. I acquired some ketamine recently, but it's very expensive, and I am also building a tolerance to it. Believe the two drugs are cross-tolerant as well. In the summer I took DXM in low doses about 3x a week for a couple of months and it was wonderful. My depression was gone, and for those couple of months life changed - I made new friends, grew closer to the ones I had, did more art... basically I felt truly alive for the first time in years. I'm trying to resume taking ketamine/DXM about 3x a week again, so I can feel alive again, but due to lack of funds and ever-increasing tolerance, I'm worried this system won't last long. I had to quit DXM cold turkey in the summer after those 2-3 months of frequent use because it pretty much stopped working completely.
I don't know what to do. I so desperately just want to feel alive and feel like myself again, but the only drugs that work for me as antidepressants are illegal and expensive and/or build tolerance quickly. I wish the modern world wasn't so backwards and it wasn't so difficult to access powerful healers like ayahuasca or ketamine, and so incredibly easy to access SSRIs and benzos and other drugs that tend to do more harm than good (in my personal experience). Anyway.. if anyone has any suggestions I would really appreciate it. Ways to reduce tolerance, prolong effects, alternate NMDA antagonists or psychedelics that may help, whatever you can offer. Much appreciated.
custard
Bit of backstory: After suffering from depression for years, I feel that I have tried everything. Three months in the desert for intensive wilderness therapy, followed by living in a transition program, good exercise and sleeping habits, yoga, mediation, individual and group therapy, antidepressants (SSRIs, NDRIs), a healthy social network - the works. Many of these things have helped me a lot and I feel I've come a long way in the last couple of years.
BUT... I still feel that I am suffering from chronic depression, and generally speaking I feel pretty unmotivated to do much of anything, and feel there is a huge wall between me and myself, me and the rest of the world. You know what depression feels like.
I've experimented for recreational and spiritual purposes with various psychedelic drugs over the past few years as well. I've found that (as many studies are currently proving) NMDA receptor antagonists, AKA ketamine and DXM, have worked wonders as antidepressants for me. I've used classic psychedelics less (done acid a few times), but it has also served as a powerful antidepressant for me. Immediately after use of these drugs I feel myself, I feel free, playful, the world becomes meaningful again, I have drive, I feel connected, etc. Unfortunately this feeling only stays with me for 1-2 days after using, and then depression returns.
Something I tried recently (about 1.5 months ago) was ayahuasca, at a shamanic ceremony. It was an incredible experience and my depression was lifted, and I feel I learned a lot about myself. But gradually this feeling began to fade, and a few weeks after the ceremony I felt I was back at square one. If I had access to this powerful medicine I would definitely try it again, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience I think, (and was also in the Netherlands - I don't know any shamans around here (Toronto, Canada.))
Anyway to cut to the chase: I'm really just looking for some help here. I feel at a loss. I have already built a very high tolerance to DXM, and my stomach also seems much less able to keep it down than it used to. I acquired some ketamine recently, but it's very expensive, and I am also building a tolerance to it. Believe the two drugs are cross-tolerant as well. In the summer I took DXM in low doses about 3x a week for a couple of months and it was wonderful. My depression was gone, and for those couple of months life changed - I made new friends, grew closer to the ones I had, did more art... basically I felt truly alive for the first time in years. I'm trying to resume taking ketamine/DXM about 3x a week again, so I can feel alive again, but due to lack of funds and ever-increasing tolerance, I'm worried this system won't last long. I had to quit DXM cold turkey in the summer after those 2-3 months of frequent use because it pretty much stopped working completely.
I don't know what to do. I so desperately just want to feel alive and feel like myself again, but the only drugs that work for me as antidepressants are illegal and expensive and/or build tolerance quickly. I wish the modern world wasn't so backwards and it wasn't so difficult to access powerful healers like ayahuasca or ketamine, and so incredibly easy to access SSRIs and benzos and other drugs that tend to do more harm than good (in my personal experience). Anyway.. if anyone has any suggestions I would really appreciate it. Ways to reduce tolerance, prolong effects, alternate NMDA antagonists or psychedelics that may help, whatever you can offer. Much appreciated.
custard
