My father is a narcissist and, naturally, I inherited his trauma. I say trauma because that's what narcissism is; someone who suffered a blow to their ego at a young age and created a "false self" to protect their wounded "true self". My father grew up on a farm with my hardass gramps who put him to work all the time and made him feel worthless, so he spent his life trying to prove how awesome he is to him. His callous, self-centered and demeaning attitudes hurt me as a child and I developed a malignantly narcissistic alter ego.
Thus, narcissism is a learned survival mechanism. Not really a disorder, but a totally rational response to trauma. Psychedelics, being a traumatic experience (HPPD being nothing more than PTSD), deals with this area.
You can see it in the body language of a narcissist. Every time they begin to feel a bit of emotion they quickly hide it away; you can often sense how intense the emotion is. They do this every time. They've done this for so long that they've forgotten who they truly are; they embody their false self. Because it's gone on so long, their true self has become immature and extremely fragile. If they were to give up their narcissism, they would be an emotional wreck and unable to thrive or perhaps even survive.
This is where psychedelics come in. A common phrase I uttered during my experiences was "you can't lie to yourself when you're tripping". I think this is true. It is also often described as a return to childhood. For me, a person with extreme narcissistic traits, it brought out my true self and made me unable to be my false self. I cry every time I trip. I explore forgotten traumas. I have a spiritual experience and find strength in my true self. After the experience is over, I remember what I learned and strive to be more honest (very difficult indeed).
Now, since psychedelics are unused in a therapeutic environment, we naturally don't see much healing going on. A "friend" of mine with antisocial personality disorder was a complete tool. A pathological liar. However, under the influence, his true self came out and he was incredibly friendly, fun to be around, and whenever his behavior was mentioned I could sense guilt and shame in him and he would say something like "I guess that does make me an asshole"...
When tripping, he had the insight. When not, he doesn't. He was afraid of the truth though and refused to explore the issue further. Perhaps in a clinical environment where he felt safe from social judgment (even though i wouldn't have judged him), he could have healed better.
I'm different though. I desperately desire to rid myself of this burden (which is what it really is--to be a narcissist is worse than to suffer the abuse I can assure you of that). I want to have real relationships, feel real love, be able to express myself honestly at all times. A few years ago I was completely unable to do this. Things have changed, though. I'm not all the way better by any means. But I continue on the path of "enlightenment". Healing is a long process and tripping allows you to see, truthfully, how close you are to being your true self again.
Problem is, the idea that I can "heal myself" with some drugs could conceivably be a narcissistic delusion on my part. I do not believe this is the case, but I can certainly see why one would think that. Perhaps it is one? Perhaps my grandeur and desire to be on the cutting edge drove me to find a simple truth? I can't say for certain. All I know is that it grants me the ability to be myself again. It allows me to work on my inner self and strengthen it so I don't need a false self to protect it anymore. It allows me to release those pains and weaknesses in a controlled setting.
Personally, I think I would have better results if an experienced psychonaut guided me through my trips. I don't have that really. I think using them on my own certainly helps tremendously, but I think the process would be much more dramatic and short lived with guidance, so I don't have to wander around near aimlessly in my own subconsciousness to find the epiphanies I'm looking for.
Psychedelics+therapy=the cure for personality disorders and addiction. I don't just believe this, but I know it from personal experience.
I'm not all better. I have a lot of work to do and I'll be working and healing for the rest of my life (during this process I also cleaned my diet up to heal an embarrassing and painful autoimmune condition I have--I am truly undergoing total physical/spiritual healing). As long as I know that I'm never perfect and never totally healed and I understand that it's a process, I don't think it's narcissistic to think I'm capable of healing.
Spread the word guys. Ego death, unsurfacing the true self, and spirituality=treatment for personality issues. It makes too much sense. It really does. And this is beyond behavior modification. It is healing the true self.
