A year ago today my son's father decided that the words he had said to his son earlier that day meant nothing. I have no idea what happened between the time he dropped my son off at school and when he decided that hanging himself in his mother's garage was the thing to do later the same day. I know this- the day before was the first time that my son had seen his father in over a year. At this point in his life, my then 15 year old son really needed his dad. They had spent the night and morning talking about all that had gone on his (my son's) life, his hopes, his hurts. His father told him 'I will be here for you, from now on. I will always be here for you.' and once again, my son believed him. The next day I received a text "Eddie's dead". My son, even now a year later, thinks it is his fault. My son, he thinks he is responsible.
Never mind that his father had started shooting meth at 12, never mind that his father was talking about how hard the heroin detox was on him. Never mind that his father hadn't been able to stay clean, cut down, or control himself for more than a year since he was 11. My son, he thinks he is responsible.
Eddie's 'habits', his illness, killed him. He had made it to 41. My son was 15, he almost didn't make it to 16. His father's words will never go away, the promises that he made. The belief that because he made these promises, in his desire not to fulfill them, he killed himself to get away from his very own son. My son, he thinks he is responsible.
Our sickness, our habit, our escape, our desires- they effect so many people. There is so much pain on these pages, there is so much shadow for those left behind. Some say that 'some die, so that others may live'. Apparently some die so that others will feel responsible.
If you reading this, thinking of the next step in your addiction, or even recovery (as plenty of us make it there before we decide to go), please think about those you are leaving behind. Think of those who will see your back and think you are running from them no matter how you are planning your escape.
I am still afraid for my son, he thinks he is responsible for his father's death.