Hello everyone, thanks in advance for reading this and offering any help/suggestions are so greatly appreciated.
So I was prescribed Vallium 3x daily for PTSD in 2019 which I have taken every day, 15mg for a year (psychiatrist bumped to 30mg after a year but I only went up to 22.5mg 7.5 x3 daily).
In December of 2020 I was hit with tolerance withdrawal and every benzo symptom you can imagine.
After going up to the 22.5mg it had no effect I knew I was is in trouble. What began was a nightmare beyond comprehension that I am still living today.
I began using the Ashton Method and cut 2.5mg and kept a journal and pain 1-10 scale and logging how many days I've been on each taper. The following 55 days on just the first 2.5 cut were filled with hallucinations, depersonalizations, certainty of my own death, constant sweating from the palms, heart palpitations, psychosis, suicidal ideation, the works.
Around day 50 I was living alone (I'm 39) at the time I called and told my dad I needed to stay with him for fear of taking my life. I was with him for about a month and began tapering again this time 1 mg but had similarly horrific symptoms (bedridden, tremoring, hiding under my bed and feeling pain that words will never be able to describe) Another couple months passed and I got a liquid version of my cut dose and proceeded to cut .125 mg as I thought maybe I could just do mini cuts. Once again the same cycle of unbearable symptoms followed.
It has been a total of 10 months since the beginning of my taper journey, I have lost my apartment, my job, my father essentially said "you can't stay here this is too much for me" and I now live with my brother's wife.
Below is a list of medications/drugs I have tried or been prescribed, I have seen multiple psychiatrists as well as a neurologist, homeopathic doctor, and reiki healer.
Gabapentin: (seems to make me feel better than worse at even 100mg. My psychiatrist wants me to take a high dosage.)
Baclofyn: A few hours of relief at 15 mg doses but nothing great and I don't want to become dependent on another pharmaceutical but that might be unavoidable?
Clonidine: Shit.
Propanolol: Heart palpitations reduced but that's it and again don't want to polydrug
Prazosin: lowered blood pressure but not much else
Buspar: Currently taking 30mg daily as I was also prescribed that at the time of Vallium. Never seems to do anything
Phenobarbital: Neurologist suggested this and I took one 30mg pill and hallucinated and tremor symptoms worse they have ever been for about 5 days. Have not taken again since
Remeron: I am currently taking this 7.5mg morning and 7.5 night. Has helped sleep and appetite (I have lost 40 pounds in the last 10 months)
BCP-157: Peptide that has been shown to effect Diazapam tolerance, ordered and have taken for about 3 weeks now and have not noticed any differences
Micro dosing shrooms: Mild relief but only lasts a couple hours, I think Vallium minimizes the effects
Microdosing Amanita: The mushroom for which benzos are derived, have taken a micro dose a few times but have not felt any great relief compared to others on forums
I am now sitting at 18.8875 mg of V a day 10 months later only having been able to go down 3.whatever mg and am only now somewhat stable due to holding the taper and the Remeron but I am still suffering greatly and am in tolerance still but I can walk around and eat food and talk.
The past couple months I was stuttering and unable to formulate coherent sentences.
So here I am now in the present utterly traumatized by how long this has gone on, I consider myself to be able to have high willpower but the amount of unbearable suffering that I have gone through has left me utterly shattered and hopeless. I had considered going to a detox facility but the horror stories and length of time in Ohio is absurdly short (like 2 weeks max) and my symptoms don't usually start becoming "unbearable" until about 14 days probably due to the drug's half life.
I keep reading over and over about V being the magical taper benzo and everyone slowly weaning off of it but my body must be different. I have had genetic testing and other tests, I know I have a hyper rapid metabolism which I think might be why V has never lasted long for me at all. I tried switching over to Klonopin and that was a train wreck.
Lyrica is the only other option I haven't tried, I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist tomorrow and am debating whether to suggest this or any other med. He claimed he could taper me off in 10 months. Do you guys think that is possible? Is there something uniquely wrong with me? Does my PTSD and childhood trauma factor in to why this benzo taper is so horrific? One psychiatrist said I should address the trauma first but I have already completed CBT, EMDR, eat healthy, but out all alcohol, and meditate twice a day. What am I missing or doing wrong?
I feel ashamed, weak, so psychologically fragile and at a loss.
Thank you from he bottom of my heart for reading this and taking the time to respond. All the best,
J
So I was prescribed Vallium 3x daily for PTSD in 2019 which I have taken every day, 15mg for a year (psychiatrist bumped to 30mg after a year but I only went up to 22.5mg 7.5 x3 daily).
In December of 2020 I was hit with tolerance withdrawal and every benzo symptom you can imagine.
After going up to the 22.5mg it had no effect I knew I was is in trouble. What began was a nightmare beyond comprehension that I am still living today.
I began using the Ashton Method and cut 2.5mg and kept a journal and pain 1-10 scale and logging how many days I've been on each taper. The following 55 days on just the first 2.5 cut were filled with hallucinations, depersonalizations, certainty of my own death, constant sweating from the palms, heart palpitations, psychosis, suicidal ideation, the works.
Around day 50 I was living alone (I'm 39) at the time I called and told my dad I needed to stay with him for fear of taking my life. I was with him for about a month and began tapering again this time 1 mg but had similarly horrific symptoms (bedridden, tremoring, hiding under my bed and feeling pain that words will never be able to describe) Another couple months passed and I got a liquid version of my cut dose and proceeded to cut .125 mg as I thought maybe I could just do mini cuts. Once again the same cycle of unbearable symptoms followed.
It has been a total of 10 months since the beginning of my taper journey, I have lost my apartment, my job, my father essentially said "you can't stay here this is too much for me" and I now live with my brother's wife.
Below is a list of medications/drugs I have tried or been prescribed, I have seen multiple psychiatrists as well as a neurologist, homeopathic doctor, and reiki healer.
Gabapentin: (seems to make me feel better than worse at even 100mg. My psychiatrist wants me to take a high dosage.)
Baclofyn: A few hours of relief at 15 mg doses but nothing great and I don't want to become dependent on another pharmaceutical but that might be unavoidable?
Clonidine: Shit.
Propanolol: Heart palpitations reduced but that's it and again don't want to polydrug
Prazosin: lowered blood pressure but not much else
Buspar: Currently taking 30mg daily as I was also prescribed that at the time of Vallium. Never seems to do anything
Phenobarbital: Neurologist suggested this and I took one 30mg pill and hallucinated and tremor symptoms worse they have ever been for about 5 days. Have not taken again since
Remeron: I am currently taking this 7.5mg morning and 7.5 night. Has helped sleep and appetite (I have lost 40 pounds in the last 10 months)
BCP-157: Peptide that has been shown to effect Diazapam tolerance, ordered and have taken for about 3 weeks now and have not noticed any differences
Micro dosing shrooms: Mild relief but only lasts a couple hours, I think Vallium minimizes the effects
Microdosing Amanita: The mushroom for which benzos are derived, have taken a micro dose a few times but have not felt any great relief compared to others on forums
I am now sitting at 18.8875 mg of V a day 10 months later only having been able to go down 3.whatever mg and am only now somewhat stable due to holding the taper and the Remeron but I am still suffering greatly and am in tolerance still but I can walk around and eat food and talk.
The past couple months I was stuttering and unable to formulate coherent sentences.
So here I am now in the present utterly traumatized by how long this has gone on, I consider myself to be able to have high willpower but the amount of unbearable suffering that I have gone through has left me utterly shattered and hopeless. I had considered going to a detox facility but the horror stories and length of time in Ohio is absurdly short (like 2 weeks max) and my symptoms don't usually start becoming "unbearable" until about 14 days probably due to the drug's half life.
I keep reading over and over about V being the magical taper benzo and everyone slowly weaning off of it but my body must be different. I have had genetic testing and other tests, I know I have a hyper rapid metabolism which I think might be why V has never lasted long for me at all. I tried switching over to Klonopin and that was a train wreck.
Lyrica is the only other option I haven't tried, I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist tomorrow and am debating whether to suggest this or any other med. He claimed he could taper me off in 10 months. Do you guys think that is possible? Is there something uniquely wrong with me? Does my PTSD and childhood trauma factor in to why this benzo taper is so horrific? One psychiatrist said I should address the trauma first but I have already completed CBT, EMDR, eat healthy, but out all alcohol, and meditate twice a day. What am I missing or doing wrong?
I feel ashamed, weak, so psychologically fragile and at a loss.
Thank you from he bottom of my heart for reading this and taking the time to respond. All the best,
J