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Detox Please Help w Detoxing

Cj-

I used to be prescribed 5 80g OxyContin a day, 90 1mg xanax month w 2 refills and 120 fiorinal w codeine- w/d was a way of life. I got good at keeping my head out of it. It took a few years of practice.

After being clean for a yr and a half-its been nice not being sick as the norm. After all those yrs of w/d - I can't tolerate it. Don't want to tolerate it.

You're right- trying to distract myself is a much better plan of action. And despite everything I just said- Im craving dope. Wtf'in f Thanks for the support.
 
You are kicking ass 10Years. Keep up the great work! You certainly are working hard, but this is hard work, as we all know so very well ;)
 
Hey 10yrs!!!

I know that this is an old thread, but I didn't want to hijack anybody else's just to say hi :D

Sorry I've been such a stranger. As you know, I'm going through a lot of self-doubt and other issues right now. I just sent our friend Somnilicious a long reply because I felt like he needed some support, but I'll probably get paranoid/OCD about giving him the wrong advice and delete it ten minutes from now anyway! (so view it now if you can, 'cause it's a pretty good read)

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
Hey DF!!!

Thankyou for saying hello,<3. You made my night.

You our are often in my thought. I know you are going though allot of your own stuff. I will check out Somnis thread now. You always have great input. I hope you are well <3 :)
 
I just started posting in October's monthly Sober Living forum, since I'm not ready to start my own journal yet. I am trying my absolute hardest to share things without freaking out and deleting them, so that's where I'll be letting everyone know what's going on with me (I'm actually the first post on there after the OP, and the 5th I think).

Hope you've had a good day :D

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
I read your post on Somni's thread. Good read for sure. Take your time DF <3. I'm not quite ready to begin my own journal either. When I start baring my soul, I plan on baring it completely and I'm feeling nervous and embarrassed still. We'll get there. So glad you're around. Hope you are having a peaceful day. :) <3
 
One of these days I have to start my own journal. It didn't end with just getting off methadone, that's for sure! Just soooooo much backstory to share. One day, when I'm bored and have more time and not using BL to distract myself/procrastinate (well, in my defense I'm rather in a lot of pain ATM, so any distraction helps)... one day :)
 
I, as well as many others, look foward to reading your story TPD ❤ Journals help give hope and inspiration to others. In the end-thats probably what its all about.

Im not sure if you mean physical or emotional pain- either way I hope you get through it asap.

I'm ready to go home to Pa. Been in Fla over a month for family stuff. Fla brings back some of my most painful and difficult memories - (I lived here for 5yrs) suffice to say It was hell. I swore Id never come back 11yrs ago when I jumped on a plane and left. I watched the ground disappear and kept thanking God. So I cannot wait to go. Its fucking 80 degrees in this house on top of it lol. I sweat the second I get out of the shower-which pisses me off. Sidenote added there sorry.

In the same breath--due to the stress of being here I feel like getting high. Which at n home, is easy. I keep reminding myself that doesnt mean I have to follow through. TPD- Im honestly not sure what I'm going to do. Im leaning toward the getting high side-not long after I land at Phila Int'l.

Or maybe choosing a less troublesome option-like a few pills or something. I think that would suffice honestly. I dont drink or smoke weed thats why my choice is a few pills.

Thats all I have right now. I hope you're well ❤
 
10YearsGone said:
I, as well as many others, look foward to reading your story TPD ❤ Journals help give hope and inspiration to others. In the end-thats probably what its all about.

Im not sure if you mean physical or emotional pain- either way I hope you get through it asap.

I'm ready to go home to Pa. Been in Fla over a month for family stuff. Fla brings back some of my most painful and difficult memories - (I lived here for 5yrs) suffice to say It was hell. I swore Id never come back 11yrs ago when I jumped on a plane and left. I watched the ground disappear and kept thanking God. So I cannot wait to go. Its fucking 80 degrees in this house on top of it lol. I sweat the second I get out of the shower-which pisses me off. Sidenote added there sorry.

In the same breath--due to the stress of being here I feel like getting high. Which at n home, is easy. I keep reminding myself that doesnt mean I have to follow through. TPD- Im honestly not sure what I'm going to do. Im leaning toward the getting high side-not long after I land at Phila Int'l.

Or maybe choosing a less troublesome option-like a few pills or something. I think that would suffice honestly. I dont drink or smoke weed thats why my choice is a few pills.

Thats all I have right now. I hope you're well ❤
Click to expand...

Hey there. I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. I wish that I had some advice, but I just don't know what works for you in a situation like this.

It seems like a few of us here have been struggling lately. For me it's mainly because I'm so worried about my mom's health problems and upcoming medical tests. Usually I get to enjoy the "pink cloud" of sobriety for at least one week out of every month, but last month I was such a nervous wreck that I went from one binge to another with no break in between (and I was never "high" by any means... just using the little bit of whatever I had in an attempt to remain somewhat sane).

Please just be careful, and really take some time to think before doing anything that you may regret later. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Whether you decide to use or not 10years, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. If you do use, or even just have the kind of cravings you're currently experiencing, try and take that as a sign you need to try doing something differently or get creative with how you're going about this. That could be trying a new med, finding a therapist you jive with, meetings if you feel like they would help, tripping balls on LSD, whatever. Sometimes it is just the effort of trying something new and healthy that is what is really helpful - and hey if you pick up some new skills or healthier coping mechanisms, all the better for it!

When I lapsed on heroin a few times after getting sober (probably happened two or three times), I'd be very careful and honest with myself about how the drug effects me. Like to see if I could chip or not. And IMO anyone who has had a crippling habit simply isn't able to chip on their DOC, at least not under the kind of criminalized, stigmatized conditions we face as junkies in our society. But that aside, this might just be something you need to see for yourself - I mean I hope you don't have to deal with it and all the suffering involved in a lapse or relapse, but it will be whatever you make of it. If you treat it like a learning experience, and pay close attention and are honest people you trust (online or IRL doesn't matter) about what you're experiencing after, during and following your experience, I think you'll find it's not the kind of thing you desire anymore.

The thing about whenever I would lapse on a one off time (I never lapsed using multiple days, it was always sort of "random" one off experiences, often associated with great times of stress - no always), I noticed how my mood would basically be shit for five to seven days. This after using just once without any tolerance or dependency, and using proper doses for my non-existent tolerance! It's crazy how I just can't handle serious opioids anymore, particularly not recreationally. Totally fucked me up for a week after I use. That knowledge, and knowing the only alternative to that kind of back and forth disregulation was to start using daily again - something I definitely want nothing to do with - made it much easier to come to the decision that chipping just isn't for me. And it motivated me to see alternatives in terms of substance use and mental health care for when stuff got really hard or I felt like I couldn't manage without drugs. There are definitely far less harmful and problematic substance out there than opioids.

Whatever happens, try and learn from your experience. We can't ask for more than that IMO. Keep your head up 10years, you've got NOTHING to be ashamed about. Frustrated, sure, you're dealing with shitty stuff. But it doesn't make you any less than anyone else, especially not if you learn from whatever experiences you have (whether it involves using or not).
 
Thankyou DF and TPD, for your thoughtful responses.

I have been putting a great deal of thought into this.

A good IOP tx is sounding really good to me. What I loved about chronic pain rehab (inpatient) was the interraction w both the staff and peers, the structure and the different (variety) approaches towards a sober life. Like excercise daily, reike (sp?) - having honest, open groups. But on a smaller scale -4 or 5 others besides me. I'm more of an intimate person. I'd rather have 2 real friends, than 20 aquaintences.

I want to parcipate in weekly therapy. I know I suffer w PTSD- amongst other things.

I'm really trying to think this through. Thankyou for listening to me. ❤
 
10, last time I did an inpatient detox one of the points the therapist really drove home was that unstructured time is the mortal enemy of sobriety. My IOP meets 9 hours a week plus an hour of individual therapy for a total of 10 hours a week. It might be a good thing for you to have this built-in structure to your life while you're trying to get your footing.
 
In a very real sense have constructive things to do with our time is crucial to recovery, especially early recovery. But it’s also important of being successful in other areas of life more generally.

That said, one of the best things I ever learned from my experience inpatient or in a partial hospitalization or IOP type program has been the importance of being able to structure ones time such that the structure provides a certain foundation for not necessarily needing extremely rigid structure. If that makes any sense. Kinda like learning how to make do with doing nothing, cultivating patience in a various ways, is a very useful in recovery, and again in life.

Keep us in the loop about how you’re doing 10years. You’ve been through so much, have lived a full life by any standard and have so much experience. One way or the other I am confident you’ll figure things out. Just try and stay as safe and healthy as possible please. You’ve a lot to offer the world, and the only thing that really excludes anyone from recovery is to die as a result of their habit. Not trying to get too intense, just wabtung to emphasize that while you’re still breathing there is always hope.
 
Wow. Thanks TPD for that much needed support.

In inpatient, there was a whiteboard in the chronic pain lounge w :

7:30-8:30- breakfast
8:30-10. - PT (phys.therapy which neant
the gym and massage)

10-12. - group

And so on.

It was explained to us that this just wasn't about letting us know what we're doing but to help us w structure. I really liked it. It wasn't too rigid. Group was normal group some days but other days it was music and art. Things like that.

We had free time. But the balance was just right. We ate dinner at 5. I took a shower after dinner. Went outside and socualized w patients that werent in the chronic pain program aa well.

Then at 7- we'd do acupuncture-get to lay on that waterbed thing w a roller in it. I loved that thing lol. I'd look at images of the beach at sunset while on the bed. Very soothing.

Then we were free for the night. Id walk all over the hospital. I laughed so much while in there. In fact the entire chronix pain group did. We made it a great experience. I miss that.

I need more of that in my life. TPD-I have been through alot. Most if it heartwrenching. I'd like for it to be more joyful. I'm shooting for that. I'm willing to show up. Im willing to do the work. Im open to suggestions, trying new things-and different things.

I'm not expecting it will be perfect on the way. Progress right? Yes. Indeed.

If I could meet a group of people IRL, like my BL family- I'll be golden. You guys and girls really matter to and mean alot to me. ❤
 
I think you are aware the feeling is very mutual. My dream one year is to take a trip around the world visiting my fellow travelers, with one of those unlimited tickets where you can take as many flights as long as they continue in the same East or West direction over the course of 12 months. I can dream, right? :)

I’d highly recommend an MBSR course to help you cultivate some more joy in your life. A bit part of the trap is a sort of colonized mind psychology. Basic safety and material necessities are of course a prerequisite, but suffer at least at a certain point is very much learned, created and recreated, through aversive and unbalanced adversarial thought patterns and beliefs. Of course I find the whole mindfulness thing (not the fad, but a rigorous process of using it for self exploration and personal development) extremely helpful in broadening my perspective and seeing things more as part of a bigger, more interconnected and inclusive framework.

In terms of mindfulness’ heritage in buddhism (as opposed to the other expression of Buddhism more as socio-cultural identity as tradition), there is a applicable quote from the Dhammapada, which devotes an entire chapter to happiness:

Dhammapada said:
197. Let us live happily then, not hating those who hate us!
among men who hate us let us dwell free from hatred!

198. Let us live happily then, free from ailments among the ailing!
among men who are ailing let us dwell free from ailments!

199. Let us live happily then, free from greed among the greedy!
among men who are greedy let us dwell free from greed!

200. Let us live happily then, though we call nothing our own!
We shall be like the bright gods, feeding on happiness!
Click to expand...

I’m not a big fan of scripture, but I dig the ideas presented in this quote. And I find the secular appilcation of many similar ideas as embodied through mindfulness based practices like MBSR to be a very useful way to access such teachings regardless of one’s own particular ethnic, cultural or religious heritage and identity.

Keep your head up 10years, like I said you’ve lived a very full life. You have so much accumulated wisdom to draw upon, so much manure (if you’ll pardon the expression) to use as fodder to create a more meaningful, fulfilling life for you and those you love. Your head is such in the right place with this stuff, and that is the most important thing. Just as long as you keep getting back up whenever you have big or small stumbles, whether it’s with drug use, other behaviors or aversive/unwholesome thoughts, we have no reason to believe you won’t figure things out for yourself.

The fact of the matter is, you’re already doing this. I’ll say it many times more: no one can ask for more than that.

Perfection is both an ever present reality (vis a vis your inherent dignity as a human being) and itself a delusion (when it’s taken as something to achieve, which ultimately of course is not possible IMO, unless it is a recognition through the lived embodiment of the form).

Okay that last bit was some highfalutin bullshit, but you get the message ;) you’re prefer the way you are; it’s just a matter of realizing your true nature (simple based on the fact you are alive and your actions and beliefs impact the world, that would be one of essential goodness) through living and the choices you make and actions you take.
 
Thankyou ❤ If you ever get. that ticket you better stop by to say hello.:) I like the message from the Dhammapada.
 
toothpastedog said:
Whether you decide to use or not 10years, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. If you do use, or even just have the kind of cravings you're currently experiencing, try and take that as a sign you need to try doing something differently or get creative with how you're going about this.
Click to expand...

/\ Yes, that too. /\

I'm finally learning to not beat myself up for having a craving, slip or relapse. Feeling guilty/ashamed/defeated/etc. just makes me want to use even more, then my addiction says, "Oh well, you've already screwed up so you might as well keep on going.", and the rest is history.

That being said, every slip seems to set me back a little farther than before, so obviously I do everything that I possibly can to avoid it. I used to bounce back from relapsing a lot easier than I do now. I've gone through withdrawals in the past that I can't even imagine having to deal with now.

It sounds as though your head is in the right place, and I'm very proud of you :D

Keep up the good work, don't beat yourself up for not being perfect, and remember that you always have people who are on your side and care about you a great deal.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
That is very much my experience as well. In one sense I’m far more resilient than I’ve been before, but the consequences of lapsing are also more significant. If I were to use heroin these days or inject any opioids I’d be pretty much out of commission emotionally for a week, merely in terms of residual pharmacological rebound related effects more than shame I think. It does make it easier in choosing not to use in a way, and I’ll take whatever I can get in that regard.
 
10years...I just read your post about your inpatient schedule. I totally know what you mean about missing that. We had a similar arrangement when I was in the psych hospital. I loved the structure, partly because (as you pointed out) it meant that my free time in the evenings felt especially free. I would wander around the hallway, just observing stuff. That's become a weirdly fond memory for me.
 
Everytime I have used opiates in this relaspe- I feel like shit afterwards. Its physical. Its not in my head. Its horrible.

One day I was reading a really long thread and stumbled across the term "kindling" Bingo. That is exactly what happens to me. I couldn't understand why I felt w/d symptoms. I thought I was subconsciously crazy.

Sim- I really did love nights at rehab. After wandering around, Id go back to.the lounge and watch t.v. until very late at night. Alone. The nurses never once hassled me. Im not sure why either. But I appreciated the time to breathe.
<3
 
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