please help..post MDMA come down......so scared....losing hope

[italianstallion]

im severely depressed and feel iike i rather end it then live like this...bc i dont want to be messed up by whole life i feel like i let myself down and my parents...im trying to keep hope but it wont let up..my family is suffering from what i have done...as soon i start getting momentum towards my relief symptoms bring me right back down...please read this all i need your help desperately....

ok.....well is some pre mdma accident information ....on august august 14th,wednesday 2012..no mdma use of any drugs for 4 months..that night i noticed i was getting sick, running nose, scratchy throat, drip....i left for miami the next morning....i bought a pair of sunglasses in the airport...and noticed when i put them on my eyes hurt, i thought maybe it was the lenses and they were straining my eyes. So i went out that night i landed in miami just drank, got really drink, woke up feeling like crap. all stuffed up, full of anxiety, ....i felt drained all day....then i went out the next night and i drank and then i the way home i felt high as hell and out of it but i didnt take anything....i must of been getting sick or coming down with a sinus infection but when your in miami you dont think about it bc your partying with your buddies....


so its now friday night ...and my buddy has a capsule of what he says is pure MDMA...he said he tested it in a kit and it turns purple or black when its pure something like that...we split it in half and we had an amazing night....i felt a little weird in the morning a little nervous and anxious little shaky but no big deal i shook it off.....so the next night we go out again....and now there was four us and we split two capsules to start we put them evenly in cups and mixed some cranberry with them so it wouldnt be that bad to swallow....we all had a very slow come up....prob took 45 minutes of so....but then i was given another pill from someone in our big group....someone who i didnt really know that well but everybody was taking it...it was suppose to be moll-mdma...but maybe it was cut with something else....we partied till 10 am the next morning...and i didnt go to sleep until six pm bc we were at the pool all day but i felt like shit...very scared and shaky and nervous.....but it kinda went away toward the middle of the day....but then when i tried to sleep i couldnt i was nervous and jittery....so my friend gave me some zanex...we actually split it....we both feel sleep till about 9:30 the next morning...i felt really rested....we flew home that nite, i felt pretty much ok....i felt tired all week and my good gf and her boy who was the other two in our four pack who took all the same stuff....she was having headaches all week, and her bf was like super sick....puking a lot, headaches....so i was basically on the phone with her all week and hearing this.....then i started having headaches on the saturday which we got back on a monday so almost a week after....i felt just out of it, severe headaches that i could not concentrate on doing anything....i felt a lil off-balanced..sensitivity to light..brain fog...pressure in the forehead and parts of the head....back of the head hurt kinda downward by the neck(sore to touch it)...stuff nose like by the bridge...i thought it was sinus infection or from the drugs i started to panic bad,...especially since other people had some problems....but could it be a week later? i started university this week and i couldnt concentrate at all....i started googling everything and anything about mdma use prob not a good idea ....did not help.....i stated thinking i was dieting, or had some bad bad ill disease....i tried to fight it for like 2.5 weeks since i got home...i noticed that sometimes i would end up just feeling high all of sudden...also panic when driving my car....i ended going to Emergency room at the hospital twice...they did all type of blood work i mean everything...which was normal except my testosterone level but that form taking steroids during the summer and a hormone...the did a cat scan of my brain ....no damage normal cat scan....they did EKG...no problems with the heart (EKG checks heart....so they find nothing wrong they say it anxiety....i do a follow up with my regular doc...of course he says anxiety and its not from the drugs...he thinks it could be a head cold or infection or sinuses...so he put be on sinus infection for infection...for ten days....it ends up taking the dizziness away, and some of the headaches but def not all of it...so i went to go see a neurologist bc i started to experience tingles in my left foot and left hand, also numbness in those parts..stiff joints...no energy...headaches a little diff parts of the head...foggy...pressure...who basically told me its not from the MDMA that i suffer anxiety bc of the things that went on in my life...and he said we can do a mri but its only to appease me bc im so nervous....which my insurance made me end up paying for ...ya not fun....the mri came back completely fine...but he put me on nortriptyline 25 mgs/ and ativan for as needed for panic 1 mg.....so i have been on this for like 3.5 weeks....it helped the headaches...but my head still didnt feel right....just foggy ....no energy out of it....then i noticed i had some problems swallowing,and my jaw started bothering me and my teeth were chattering or shaking.so now i have stopped the notriptyline bc i thought maybe this was causing more problems then good but now i feel like things are getting worse again..not noticeable to people but i could...will this ever stop....i dont know if i can keep up with school bc i cant concentrate...but i cant drop out and waste my money...i dont have a lot...im afraid im gonna become a nothing and have to live with my parents for the rest of my life...im losing so much weight...i have lost like 13 lbs...im freaking out.....is it ever gonna go back to somewhat normal so i can live my life...i have no drive, no passion, im just blah.....i dont want to leave the house but i try and push myself.....

sorry for the big story....please help me...i can Skype ....i live in the USA...im from malta though...........if anybody wants to call me on the mobile they are more than welcome.....i need all the positive help i can get....its been like two months.....im losing hope....

 

[Magickduck]

im severely depressed and feel iike i rather end it then live like this...bc i dont want to be messed up by whole life i feel like i let myself down and my parents...im trying to keep hope but it wont let up..my family is suffering from what i have done...as soon i start getting momentum towards my relief symptoms bring me right back down...please read this all i need your help desperately....

ok.....well is some pre mdma accident information ....on august august 14th,wednesday 2012..no mdma use of any drugs for 4 months..that night i noticed i was getting sick, running nose, scratchy throat, drip....i left for miami the next morning....i bought a pair of sunglasses in the airport...and noticed when i put them on my eyes hurt, i thought maybe it was the lenses and they were straining my eyes. So i went out that night i landed in miami just drank, got really drink, woke up feeling like crap. all stuffed up, full of anxiety, ....i felt drained all day....then i went out the next night and i drank and then i the way home i felt high as hell and out of it but i didnt take anything....i must of been getting sick or coming down with a sinus infection but when your in miami you dont think about it bc your partying with your buddies....


so its now friday night ...and my buddy has a capsule of what he says is pure MDMA...he said he tested it in a kit and it turns purple or black when its pure something like that...we split it in half and we had an amazing night....i felt a little weird in the morning a little nervous and anxious little shaky but no big deal i shook it off.....so the next night we go out again....and now there was four us and we split two capsules to start we put them evenly in cups and mixed some cranberry with them so it wouldnt be that bad to swallow....we all had a very slow come up....prob took 45 minutes of so....but then i was given another pill from someone in our big group....someone who i didnt really know that well but everybody was taking it...it was suppose to be moll-mdma...but maybe it was cut with something else....we partied till 10 am the next morning...and i didnt go to sleep until six pm bc we were at the pool all day but i felt like shit...very scared and shaky and nervous.....but it kinda went away toward the middle of the day....but then when i tried to sleep i couldnt i was nervous and jittery....so my friend gave me some zanex...we actually split it....we both feel sleep till about 9:30 the next morning...i felt really rested....we flew home that nite, i felt pretty much ok....i felt tired all week and my good gf and her boy who was the other two in our four pack who took all the same stuff....she was having headaches all week, and her bf was like super sick....puking a lot, headaches....so i was basically on the phone with her all week and hearing this.....then i started having headaches on the saturday which we got back on a monday so almost a week after....i felt just out of it, severe headaches that i could not concentrate on doing anything....i felt a lil off-balanced..sensitivity to light..brain fog...pressure in the forehead and parts of the head....back of the head hurt kinda downward by the neck(sore to touch it)...stuff nose like by the bridge...i thought it was sinus infection or from the drugs i started to panic bad,...especially since other people had some problems....but could it be a week later? i started university this week and i couldnt concentrate at all....i started googling everything and anything about mdma use prob not a good idea ....did not help.....i stated thinking i was dieting, or had some bad bad ill disease....i tried to fight it for like 2.5 weeks since i got home...i noticed that sometimes i would end up just feeling high all of sudden...also panic when driving my car....i ended going to Emergency room at the hospital twice...they did all type of blood work i mean everything...which was normal except my testosterone level but that form taking steroids during the summer and a hormone...the did a cat scan of my brain ....no damage normal cat scan....they did EKG...no problems with the heart (EKG checks heart....so they find nothing wrong they say it anxiety....i do a follow up with my regular doc...of course he says anxiety and its not from the drugs...he thinks it could be a head cold or infection or sinuses...so he put be on sinus infection for infection...for ten days....it ends up taking the dizziness away, and some of the headaches but def not all of it...so i went to go see a neurologist bc i started to experience tingles in my left foot and left hand, also numbness in those parts..stiff joints...no energy...headaches a little diff parts of the head...foggy...pressure...who basically told me its not from the MDMA that i suffer anxiety bc of the things that went on in my life...and he said we can do a mri but its only to appease me bc im so nervous....which my insurance made me end up paying for ...ya not fun....the mri came back completely fine...but he put me on nortriptyline 25 mgs/ and ativan for as needed for panic 1 mg.....so i have been on this for like 3.5 weeks....it helped the headaches...but my head still didnt feel right....just foggy ....no energy out of it....then i noticed i had some problems swallowing,and my jaw started bothering me and my teeth were chattering or shaking.so now i have stopped the notriptyline bc i thought maybe this was causing more problems then good but now i feel like things are getting worse again..not noticeable to people but i could...will this ever stop....i dont know if i can keep up with school bc i cant concentrate...but i cant drop out and waste my money...i dont have a lot...im afraid im gonna become a nothing and have to live with my parents for the rest of my life...im losing so much weight...i have lost like 13 lbs...im freaking out.....is it ever gonna go back to somewhat normal so i can live my life...i have no drive, no passion, im just blah.....i dont want to leave the house but i try and push myself.....

sorry for the big story....please help me...i can Skype ....i live in the USA...im from malta though...........if anybody wants to call me on the mobile they are more than welcome.....i need all the positive help i can get....its been like two months.....im losing hope....

Jeez man you sound like a portal to myself two years ago I wish I still had my old account and could show you the posts I've been thru it you will be fine!!! If you want to pm me your number I have no Skype but I can call you when I et home...read th post I just posted called honest opinions I just posted I can help pm me

 

[Magickduck]

Dude it's crazy how dead on like me this was.. You are fine btw you are healthy inPromose you have no idea how convinced there was something wrong with me no matter what my family friends or doctors or tests said

 

[Magickduck]

Ok so neither of us can pm but if you'd like to get in touch maybe we can email but post here

 

[Magickduck]

Also you need to get off the pharmaceutics ASAP man that shit prolonged my recovery like crazy took me a year to recover when if I'd stayed sober itd been a few months also sorry these all posted in different posts my iPhobe sucks

But seriously I went to neurologists had headaches was always checking my pulse went to all sorta specialists and else everything you said It's like a blast from the past haha

 

[Folley]

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall (of text)!


Shit though man.. we can't know what's wrong with you.... no one here is licensed or qualified to help you. What I can tell you though, is that it will get better. It always gets better. You're most likely stuck in a negative cycle right now... never getting better, just continuing in a cirlce. I've seen people go through that kind of thing for a year or more from ecstasy (not MDMA) abuse... you know what fixed them? Positive thinking. It sounds stupid, but it's really the ONLY thing that will make you feel better. Doctors will try to prescribe you drugs (BTW, I'd get off the anti-depressants. It's likely to make things worse.) to make you feel better, but they only cover the symptoms.


Think of it like this. Medications aren't helping, obsessing about your problems isn't going to help SHIT, and as far as we can tell, it's not going to just go away. So? Just accept it. Get used to it, soon, it will fade to the background and you'll be able to put it out of your mind. It WILL be hard as shit, but it's certainly possible.


Like I said though, no one here is qualified to give medical advice. If you think this is becoming a serious problem, don't be afraid to get it checked out by a real professional. It's always better to be safe than sorry

Also you need to get off the pharmaceutics ASAP man that shit prolonged my recovery like crazy took me a year to recover when if I'd stayed sober itd been a few months also sorry these all posted in different posts my iPhobe sucks

I agree 10000%. Anti-depressants and ativian aren't going to do SHIT to help you. Tell your doctor you want off the ADs, I'm sure he is legally required to get you off of them, and to do it safely. Also, I would fucking tell him off for giving you Ativian for anxiety. Tell him to give you an actual benzo in light enough doses so it will cure your anxiety. He doesn't want you abusing them, that's why he gave you a much shittier drug instead.. but you actually NEED the drug, and things like that are unacceptable in the medical community.

 

[Magickduck]

I swear man I was this kid... ECHO!!!I will combine the posts when I get to a computer mods please don't delete important he reads them I remember that sense of dread and panic... Also dude I know it's stereotypical but LOVE of any kind is what got me thru it go to some festivals with good people and music and stay sober maybe after a while eat some psychs...

Also benzos made it worse for me... I would get terrible rebound effects... Even though it was a temporary bandaisd

 

[italianstallion]

Ok so neither of us can pm but if you'd like to get in touch maybe we can email but post here

.....thanks guys402 for the advice i need all of it i cant think .....238why cant we pm each other...5399i stopped the anti depressants 4 days ago....im so scared that the symptoms arent gonna go away...or old ones that went away are gonna come back......i am seeing a psychologist by the way....city guy...its free....so i might as well take advantage of it...i dont think its completely anxiety like everyone is claiming.. im really really scared/terrified..i'm taking L-carnitine, EPA(fish oils), l-arginine,glucasomine(joint support), vitamin C, ZMA(zinc/magnesium).....i figured this stuff might help a little bit...cant hurt...im exercising daily ....eating well....im scared to take 5-htpp.....im so afraid to put anything into my body now after the anti-depressants...my doc said he would write me a script for xanex too..is that better...i cant take this...i dont know if i can do it....i feel weak mentally....my whole world is upside down...i feel like totally not [email protected] you really think believing your gonna better by thinking your gonna get better....or being positive?...

 

[Folley]

^ Actually.. all those supplements CAN hurt. They are drugs just as well.

I would abstain from them and do it the natural way, a proper diet, exercise and sunlight will do more than a few pills could EVER do.

 

[F1n1shed]

Don't trip your self out so much man we've all been through it, the more you worry the worse it gets. Worrying does nothing, just understand the brain is a very complex system. It does recover, although this isn't a game recovery takes a long time. Just be patient, and your brain will form new experiences every day and slowly by slowly you will feel more stable and happy. I know atm it seems like it will never get better, but if you can stay strong and not go on the doctors 'medicine' you will be good.

 

[italianstallion]

folley.....so definitely stay away from vitamins?...i thought vitamins were good for you?....i really appreciate your help...have you had anything like this happne to you before?

finished.....have you been through this before? its been two months since august 15th...i feel like its been forever, i dont even want to leave the house sometimes(even on saturday nights), i have no friggin appetite, i feel pretty weak at the gym, joints hurt. i have some good moments and i tell myself im gonna have a good attitude, and i tell myself ok im gonna go to the gym then do this, etc, etc....but then my fatigure kicks in or symptoms and it ruins everything and i just want to do nothing, not even sleep i cant even take a nap during the day-dont know why. i wake up every morning at like 8 am no matter what time i go to bed.....now that i stopped the anti-depressants am i going to feel like crap now or go back to how i felt after i took the MDMA....what do you know for experience's with other people and your self?


should i be hydrating with h20 constantly? What is that proper way to do this? sleep? should i spend time with friends(even when not feeling good?...i havent had any alcohol in two months....

im open to anything right now.....

please if you look at my first reply there is contact info in there....thank you all

 

[Magickduck]

folley.....so definitely stay away from vitamins?...i thought vitamins were good for you?....i really appreciate your help...have you had anything like this happne to you before?

finished.....have you been through this before? its been two months since august 15th...i feel like its been forever, i dont even want to leave the house sometimes(even on saturday nights), i have no friggin appetite, i feel pretty weak at the gym, joints hurt. i have some good moments and i tell myself im gonna have a good attitude, and i tell myself ok im gonna go to the gym then do this, etc, etc....but then my fatigure kicks in or symptoms and it ruins everything and i just want to do nothing, not even sleep i cant even take a nap during the day-dont know why. i wake up every morning at like 8 am no matter what time i go to bed.....now that i stopped the anti-depressants am i going to feel like crap now or go back to how i felt after i took the MDMA....what do you know for experience's with other people and your self?


should i be hydrating with h20 constantly? What is that proper way to do this? sleep? should i spend time with friends(even when not feeling good?...i havent had any alcohol in two months....

im open to anything right now.....

please if you look at my first reply there is contact info in there....thank you all

you do not really need to do anything.... you just need time man.. also, GO TO A FRICKEN' FESTIVAL/GATHERING... what state do you live in?

do you use tobacco, italianstallion?

 

[italianstallion]

DUCK-I live in nebraska...did you see the phone number in the first message i replied to this thread...i need to figure out a way to relax....im so sorry i did what i did....it was definitely not worth this...very dumb move taking stuff from friends or friends not seeing it being tested....im afraid to go to bed some nights especially when my heart is pounding or my head feels weird im afraid im not gonna wake up....i ask friends to stay over and check on me to make sure im still breathing...please dont laugh im serious i feel like im being punished for being reckless....i definitely feel guilty....how much of what am i feeling is probably stress induced? i have had stress before but never anything like this. i heard stress can do many things to you...

 

[Magickduck]

Do you use tobacco?

dude, ALL of it is stress induced.. the STRESS might be caused by a TEMPORARY chemical imbalance.. and what you'll want to do is leave your brain alone so it can reset...

also i feel like you must have dosed this more than two times... or on some other kind of stimulants.. i had this too but i was binging on mephedrone and such...

 

[duckeee]

(Full disclosure: I am firm believer in medicine and believe that there are exactly right drugs for your brain chemistry, the trick is to find out which are the right ones and know whether you can do without them. But I am not advocating ADs in this reply.)

I will make this as short and as concrete as possible. Breath in, breath out. Now read it out loud.

1. You have had EVERY test possible and all showed them you are fine. That means YOU ARE FINE. Your body is fine. You have no reason to believe you are enigma wrapped in a mystery carrying some new exotic disease which is waiting to be discovered. YOU ARE FINE.
2. Mind over matter, dude. Every time you notice your thoughts and paranoias getting crazier, stop, breathe and tell yourself (out loud if needed): "I am fine. I can control this. I'm not spiraling this time. I AM OKAY and if you, brain, don't SHUT UP I will make you listen to Justin Bieber."
3. Tell your doc you want to try different drugs - not ADs, but maybe benzos or other meds that deal with anxiety. Try to get him to prescribe you something you can TAKE IN AN EMERGENCY but not regularly. (This is based on previous posters' experience that ADs won't help and is also based on my believe that you should have "safety blanket" when you can't make yourself calm down. Everyone needs a safety blanket.)
4. Find something to focus on. Try cooking, reading, knitting, riding, drawing - whatever. DO SOMETHING. Decide that this is what you will be focusing your energy on and turn to it every time you start feeling paranoid again.
5. Try different kinds of therapy. Write down your fixations, share them with fellow bluelighters or pages dedicated to counseling. Analyze yourself, find out what are your thought patterns - get to know your brain and thinking mechanisms so next time you can tell when they are getting worse and are prepared. Because if you realize this is ALL IN YOUR HEAD you can take it! Every time it gets better. And don't forget: during these moments your brain is lying to you. Your brain is an asshole and don't believe him. YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
5. And finally write it down and put this sentence everywhere in your home: IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. How can you be sure, you start wodering, maybe... No. Stop. Go back and read #1 again.

But most importantly - find someone who you can write, text or call when you lose control of your body and thoughts. It's better if it's not a friend or relative, rather someone who knows what you're dealing with. Here are already few volunteers, so accept their help.

You can do this. It's only your brain chemistry fucking with you. And you can win this battle! We will help you kick its ass!

 

[xtc5551212]

Give it some time and take one day at a time, you'll make it.

 

[italianstallion]

duckee....that was amazing i wish i had you or some the members who posted earlier in my daily life....or a phone call away....sometimes a voice or a message like that really means a lot...sounds like you have been through this?......i can't pm......i need to print out what you wrote....have you ever got chest populations?....im 26 to by the way but i dont think i am experienced as you in this whole field...where are you from?

im gonna try and push on but i know i feel all pumped right now but tomrrow im gonna get down at some point or have a mini melt down.....i feel like i can breakdown on the drop of a dime...it so weird bc im so not like that...i used to be mentally tough....its crazy...but i had alot of other things happen this last year which i think it weakened my mind...

 

[Dawglaw]

Dude you will be fine. I completely agree that it's all stress/anxiety induced. I am coming out of the same experience. At first I was scared shitless, wouldn't leave my house on the weekends, couldn't concentrate at work, just sat around being freaked out at all the "damage" I did.

I went throug bad waves of brain fog, physical anxiety, depersonalization, lethargy, vision issues and insane hypochondria. It started to spiral until i said fuck this and started living my life as if there was nothing wrong wirh me

Trust me when I say this, get the hell off the Internet. I spent hours reading from message board experts about how I was fucked and it only made things worse. Get out and distract yourself and your brain will untie the knot it's in.

IMO That's why exercise is so highly regarded as a good way of dealing with the stress. It releases natural endorphins and it distracts you from being worried about feeling "off".

I am not quite back to 100% but I'm sure I will be soon. The first two/three months are the worst. Let this be a lesson, don't fuck with your brain. The writing is on the wall. There are some people on here that didn't listen and are in way worse shape than you, man.

 

[F1n1shed]

+1 on not reading stuff about it.
I cannot tell you how much worse i was when i obsessed about researching the topic, it only made things worst. And yes i have been through this, i cannot tell you how long it lasted because there were so many factors. I was smoking weed every day during this time, and rolling off and on . But it did at least take months, do not go on benzos man. I mean to be honest you will indeed feel better while your on them, much more relaxed. How ever benzos are the most deceiving pills out there, they make you feel like fuck yea i got this. I have no anxiety, i can do anything and i'm perfectly normal. But when you try to get off them you feel your toes curl , your mind racing, cannot sleep, terrible head ache, anger/ rage. All sorts of nasty things because of anxiety and low gaba production in the brain, they are a total mask. Try to do it sober, if you get on benzos your gonna be on them for a long time trust me. As far as recovery , vitamins are okay if you don't over do it. Get some L tryptophan, fish oil, B- complex. Those are some real helpers in mdma recovery, stay busy man!

 

[italianstallion]

Xtc- thank you for the comment very much appreciated!

Magic duck - I don't use tobacco at all

Dawglaw- thank you for writing! I hope you feel better. I'm coming off the anti depressants now so I imagine it's gonna be hard, I can feel my head starting to bother me. I hope your right about it getting better. I don't know if I can keep up with school it's definitely extremely hard concentrating, feels like brain is swimming or shaking. I had a minor freak out like this in in January,it was A day or two, but this is def hell. I'm trying to stay positive

Finished- I have stopped the anti depressants I am totally nervous about this my doctor knows I'm coming off. I hope I don't go friggin crazy, Well I have been on the benzos here and there but I'm gonna lay off them bc I feel like there not working anyway my body is used to it, I don't feel addicted though. My heart has been beating hard in the late night and early morning, anything that raises my blood pressure sets it off, last night I ate a chocolate bar! I need to try and study today keep in touch