☮ Social ☮ PD Social Talk Thread: Firly Swolks Discussing Mitillating Tatters Fithout Wilters

[Xorkoth]

Whew, I slept a lot. Felt a bit restless and also woke up first at like 7am and felt a bit restless again, so before bed and when I woke up early I took some L-theanine and calcium/magnesium which worked well to relax me. Had some strange dreams but they were pretty cool. I do feel a lot better this morning so that's a score. It's so weird though, I DO think I caught some sort of bug because I've got digestive discomfort/diarrhea, but other than that it feels just like low-grade withdrawal of opiates or phenibut or something. But there's really no way that could be the case because I've been good. I mean, I did take phenibut on Sunday but I hadn't taken it for a week before that, and more than a week before that. Weird shit, it's the restless limbs that really make it seem withdrawaly but I used to have restless legs most of the time as a kid, and I've had them before from the flu. I dunno, but I feel way better today so that's good.

I woke up this morning and saw a pre-approved credit card offer in my stack of mail. I have been thinking about getting a second one because I'm rebuilding my credit after bankruptcy I filed 4 years ago. I have it back up to almost "good", it's like 630 right now. I looked up this particular company and has very good ratings, like the first one I got (among offers from scams or cards with super shitty reviews). So I applied, and got approved. No annual fee, no late fees (not that I would be late), no over the limit fees (not that I would do that either), and a $2500 limit. Uh... okay, cool. Man it's easy to get credit in this country, I've got over $4k in CC limits again already. Of course this time I won't be an idiot, I haven't had more than $200 on my existing credit card in over a year and that was just because of getting my car fixed one time and not having quite enough in my checking until my next paycheck. I'm gonna just use this one to buy gas twice a month and pay it off instantly. My credit should be back to pretty good in no time.

Credit is weird, it's something that ideally you wouldn't want to use except for when getting a mortgage/car loan or for emergencies. But if you don't use it, your credit score makes it so you can't do anything with it, or you get way shittier rates when you do borrow.

It has already begun! I didn't even mean for this to happen - but really, it is the perfect start for my future ventures. I am certain, that this is the future I want for myself. It really was a beautiful thing, for my confusing life and lost sight to somehow come together and form all the necessary connections in a flash of electric awakening. I have been happier than I have ever been in my life since I have been clean of opiates, and things keep improving more and more.

That's beautiful man. It's truly so important to know what you want to put your passion into in life. I'm really happy for you.

EDIT: Oh man, this butternut squash/potato/cauliflower soup I made last night is so fucking good.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Man, that's awesome buddy and it sounds like you have a wonderful life going on. I do too, in fact. I could totally use some of the soup right now man (want to mail me some? lol. I'm too lazy and exhausted to cook anything healthy tonight). I worked until 7am then when woke up after like a 3 or 4 hour sleep max to frantic messages that I needed to work a few hours for technical support. So, I woke up after very few hours of sleep and had ten minutes to brush my teeth, grab breakfast, get dressed and set all my equipment up to get to work.

My job is so ridiculous and honestly just impossible to describe to anyone who also doesn't work there, but we use a random app that's really cool to connect with people all over the world. I've made online friends with a guy through it (I don't even know where he lives haha, so mysterious) who seems really chill and we talk about music and film and attractive actresses and musicians and stuff. Anyways, I voiced some concerns / constructive criticism to the manager and boss today in a group chat where there were two other local female colleagues, and I ended up getting to know both of them today through voice chat since they voiced the same concerns. We are planning to head out to dinner at a chill spot together, the 3 of us sometime soon and I found just the right spot through my younger bro.

I am beginning to surround myself with positive people, through internally being a positive and hardworking spirit. I have decided to cease contact with my drug abusing friends, who I am always trying to help and get abused emotionally in return, for the time being as I am finding it exhausting and I need to work on my ultimate life plan, my night time / early morning job, finding a daytime job (at least part-time), and working on my music. I don't have time for that kind of negativity right now and it was really nice to randomly meet two chicks like that, who I have common interests with and who seem really chill. We were in hysterics voice chatting about our work, and happen to know a lot of the same people we work with through the internet who live around the world (I thought they would be working with others).

Really nice day for me. It's nice to find friends other than my brother and my weed farmer friend who don't seem to be either completely mentally unstable, enslaved to drugs, or both. It was nice to be in hysterics with some chicks I just met and have interesting discussion as well.

My life has been improving so much since I have been clean of opiates. I was unable to be employed as a long term opiate fiend, as eventually when my tolerance became extreme I was too unreliable that there would always come a day when I was sick. I just stopped trying eventually as I knew I would inevitably be fired and all my money was going to smack, up my nostrils and wasted anyway. I have 3 weeks today but I'm not really counting... just happened to notice : )

I had really strange dreams last night too! I had two separate sexual dreams which I never really get (they were pretty great... lol), and one dream which involved cocaine and a friend of mine (who is not a bad influence like that, but I found him sneaking lines in the dream outside at night and I railed one in this dream... I recall it vividly)... there was a lot more to the dreams, but I had to get to work so quickly I hardly had time to write anything down about them in my journal.

EDIT: someone please kill me? I was looking forward to an actual normal sleep tonight, and they just asked if I could work essentially all night. Midnight until sunrise again with 3 hours notice... whatever, I guess it is time to drop a 2c-c / 2c-d combo in a cup of tea. I need the money but my spine / chronic pain is acting up like crazy. I better get out of bed and at least cook a healthy veggie pasta with some dried chilis from my garden. Fuck. I did not want this, but at the same time it has me in hysterics. "I hope I'm not disturbing your rest"... LOL.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Had some strange dreams but they were pretty cool.

Hope to see them in my "Dream Journal" thread :D

At this point I'm not sure why I'm still sick. If it was plain ol' food poisoning it should have ended already... has me a bit worried. I'm trying to distract myself till bed time by exploring music on youtube.

1. Hope you're feeling better, my friend.

2. Cream Gravy/Thanksgiving/Food Poisoning? Sorry... couldn't resist

 

[HeadphonesandLSD]

I gave up Thanksgiving with my family for work/time and a half, caught the flu, and couldn't go today thus robbing me of my OT pay. I went back for rent money...probably going to ride it out for two more weeks than find something else if I don't get fired for daring to take a couple of days off. 7 day work weeks are starting to get to me and I'm becoming snappy. Working with people that can't speak English and don't bathe tends to do that to me. ;/

I did try a "microdose" of LSD for work by the way, I overshot it by a bit and things started getting a bit wonky three hours into the day. Nothing I couldn't handle but I need to dial it down if I'm going to attempt that again. No one noticed as far as I know but I got called out for begin quiet. I was putting my full concentration into my work and didn't socially interact with co-workers much that day. Supervisor asked why I haven't spoken all day and I was so mellow I just replied: "I got a full tank of gas and rent, no complaints". "Well okay then...". :D

 

[Xorkoth]

EDIT: someone please kill me? I was looking forward to an actual normal sleep tonight, and they just asked if I could work essentially all night. Midnight until sunrise again with 3 hours notice... whatever, I guess it is time to drop a 2c-c / 2c-d combo in a cup of tea. I need the money but my spine / chronic pain is acting up like crazy. I better get out of bed and at least cook a healthy veggie pasta with some dried chilis from my garden. Fuck. I did not want this, but at the same time it has me in hysterics. "I hope I'm not disturbing your rest"... LOL.

Damn man, you gotta start getting some sleep, a human body can only lack sleep for so long. Chronic sleep deprivation is pretty unpleasant.

I gave up Thanksgiving with my family for work/time and a half, caught the flu, and couldn't go today thus robbing me of my OT pay. I went back for rent money...probably going to ride it out for two more weeks than find something else if I don't get fired for daring to take a couple of days off. 7 day work weeks are starting to get to me and I'm becoming snappy. Working with people that can't speak English and don't bathe tends to do that to me. ;/

Damn dude, 7 day work weeks? No one should have to do that.

 

[HeadphonesandLSD]

Damn dude, 7 day work weeks? No one should have to do that.

It's worse than just 7 day work weeks. A lot of cars were broken into so now the local sheriff's department patrols all day. They walk inside the building constantly and patrol the parking lot. By day two they were running drug dogs around cars and the break room and going through peoples bags. While they were busy with that two cars were broken into. Somehow we have cameras but the people doing it haven't been caught. We're constantly reminded to "not leave personal belongings laying around". On-sight security is of no help either, they're more concerned with fucking with people than doing their jobs. One in particular has pissed me off. I have to pretty much strip 8 times a day when I go in and out for breaks/lunch. While I'm doing that I watch women just walk through while alarms sound because they don't want to risk touching one of them or going through a purse. They're more concerned about rifling through my bag to see if my ipod has a camera on it than stopping anyone from stealing. After begin asked for the 100th time if I "had my badge" I snapped and told one of them if they continued to pick on me I'd deck them. I've worked the job before and I can recognize people that took it up just to fuck with folks. I was smoking in the designated area the other day and one of them came over just to tell me to move along. I reminded them they were off the clock and and I wore steel toes. I'm probably not going to last much longer in there. It's basically prison and it's turning me into a awful snappy person.

I've been given the task of inventory on top of all this and make the same as someone just doing busy work. Most stressful job in the entire place, every day 1,000-3,000 items go missing from inventory and I'm expected to find them. I'm the only one that does it despite there begin 3 shifts, so every morning I'm trying to figure out wtf happened on the other two shifts, no matter how hard I work it's a little worse every day. I can't find most of the product because most of it is going out the front door in employees pockets. I have to run around the entire warehouse and back to my workstation to direct fork lifts to replenish product while the people sent to get that product constantly come to me for an alternative location for it. I never get time to breath. They will not give me decent help either, instead they keep sending new hires that always burn out in two days. I can't even get a fucking radio to assist in my tasks because "you're just a temp.". If I'm "just the temp" then wtf am I doing inventory for? Perhaps it's because I'm begin set-up to be fired and no full timer wants the responsibility? Only thing I can come up with.

Our workstations consist of Windows 7 machines running ancient DOS applications inside of VMs and emulators that constantly crash. IT is of no help and can't even sort out printers. Last week I was told to "move to another work station" because someone else in the building was sending data to the printer I was using. After the 8th workstation with a non-working printer I just walked off the floor. The IT guy is a young idiot that told me he had "more important tasks to attend to" which meant he was going to eat cheetos and soak up the OT time. I eventually fixed it myself then got yelled at for daring to access things I wasn't supposed to. Word got out that I know computers so now instead of going to IT everyone comes to me. When I refuse to touch something I'm called an asshole.

When I'm not busy with that task I'm expected to train people that don't speak English. Most of the staff doesn't care. It's hard to put in effort when 9 out of 10 employees are just walking around until they're fired in a week or two. They have us running it all on half the staff as last year. I work in a department that deals with all the fuck ups, everything that wasn't done right comes to us and we're expected to fix it. We haven't even really hit the busy season yet and already there are mountains of boxes that must be opened, sorted, and corrected. The only reason I go is two co-workers who've already been driven to tears by the work load. I keep telling them we have an impossible task and they shouldn't let it get to them but they take so much pride in their work that they can't accept that. I know the score, I was here last year, we're so fucked and management doesn't care. Come January they'll fire the lot of us for not meeting the quota.

 

[HeadphonesandLSD]

I know I posted a wall-of-text but I wanted to add that I'm seriously considering wearing a small body camera to document how awful this place is. I could probably get rich off making a film about it. No one believes me unless they've worked here before. Everyone that has worked here before knows how fucking awful it is and refuses to go back. My dumb ass went back because I needed some quick cash for various hustles but now I'm stuck working this job because if I don't come up with $250 every month my best friend will not be able to cover rent. I'm excited to move in with him because we have a killer apartment but I will not find the time unless I ditch work for two more days. Sadly, now that I've taken sick leave I doubt I'll be able to without getting fired for begin absent. I'm basically paying rent for two places at the moment because I can't find time to move into one and need the other for sleeping. All I do is sleep and work, I get maybe 1 hour of free time a day and most of it is consumed by my drive home and prepping meals.

 

[tokezu]

If anybody could send some good vibes my way that would be very much appreciated. My dad's cancer has apparently decided to suddenly turn up the gears in the last weeks and has now already spread through various organs. He decided he doesn't want another chemo because all that would get him is very little additional time and that doesn't seem worth the potential side effects. He is in a hospice now and probably only has a few weeks left, there is a good chance he won't be around for christmas.

A lot of cars were broken into so now the local sheriff's department patrols all day. They walk inside the building constantly and patrol the parking lot. By day two they were running drug dogs around cars and the break room and going through peoples bags. While they were busy with that two cars were broken into.

Sounds like they have their priorities straight... And yeah that workplace seems like out of a bad movie. How come you take so much responsibility there? Have you shown once that you can actually do good work and since then they expect more from you than from anyone else or is it more like you just have trouble saying no? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Feel better everyone. Headphones, your situation sounds fucked man, I'm sorry to hear it You handle it way better than I likely would, so props!

About to head over to my father-in-law's place, he's got an old miata just like mine that has a blown engine, so he's letting me pull off some parts I need to complete my miata as well as swap the tires out as mine are bald. I'm anxious because I've never had any alone time with him, and obviously the man knows I've been fucking his daughter for years... but, he's offered me these parts for free, so some part of him must desire to form a relationship with his future son-in-law. I'm gonna try and stick with that thread of thought

 

[Xorkoth]

I know I posted a wall-of-text but I wanted to add that I'm seriously considering wearing a small body camera to document how awful this place is. I could probably get rich off making a film about it. No one believes me unless they've worked here before. Everyone that has worked here before knows how fucking awful it is and refuses to go back. My dumb ass went back because I needed some quick cash for various hustles but now I'm stuck working this job because if I don't come up with $250 every month my best friend will not be able to cover rent. I'm excited to move in with him because we have a killer apartment but I will not find the time unless I ditch work for two more days. Sadly, now that I've taken sick leave I doubt I'll be able to without getting fired for begin absent. I'm basically paying rent for two places at the moment because I can't find time to move into one and need the other for sleeping. All I do is sleep and work, I get maybe 1 hour of free time a day and most of it is consumed by my drive home and prepping meals.

Bro, you gotta get a new job man! That sounds horrific almost beyond belief (I believe you, just saying, that's some absurdity). I had a job for a half a year that was not even like that, but it was pretty ridiculous and I had 1 day out of 14 off, and on those days they required us to go to these "fun seminars" where we'd get served food and beer and have to listen to speakers and shit. By the end of it I was half insane, worst place I've been in mentally in my life. I did make a lot of money, but it sure wasn't worth it for me. Sounds like you're getting pretty tightly wound up and pissed off. I hope you can find something better soon.

If anybody could send some good vibes my way that would be very much appreciated. My dad's cancer has apparently decided to suddenly turn up the gears in the last weeks and has now already spread through various organs. He decided he doesn't want another chemo because all that would get him is very little additional time and that doesn't seem worth the potential side effects. He is in a hospice now and probably only has a few weeks left, there is a good chance he won't be around for christmas.

Oh man, I'm so sorry. I'll send some positive vibes your way (and your dad's) for sure. If you need to talk about it sometime you can always PM me. My dad is going to make it to this Christmas for sure but if he makes it to next Christmas I'd be shocked...

 

[ShroomySatori]

Tokezu, I am about to inhale a blend of Frankincense and Sandalwood oils for spiritual healing, and these sacred oils have my blessings for your father. I am sorry to hear that... losing my grandpa was not fun for me.

My external reality is a mirror image of how I feel inside, and vice versa. I woke up today in tears; I didn't even need to look outside to know the lovely blanket of snow had been washed away by pouring rain. The ornamental candles I (stupidly, again) left on while I got 2 hours of sleep (yeah... it's really getting to me the insomnia... it's from post acute heroin / oxycodone withdrawal)... anyways, the candles were just burning out when I woke up. The saddest song I never heard before by Lil Peep was randomly playing on youtube (I love it, rip bro). So, I am just so sad this morning and I don't even know why.

Anyways, I have been tripping on 2c-c and 2c-d for around 2 and a half weeks now. My life has change in innumerable positive ways as I am a few days over 3 weeks clean now. I'm getting cravings though... the cravings for heroin and oxycodone are starting up. I could drive around the corner and pay a small few for over 112 percs. I'm not going to, but the psychedelics don't make the cravings go away. If anything they make me more aware of them.

My tolerance has like tripled or quadrupled... lol. Anyways, yeah long term health risks blah blah blah if I use another opiate ever again I am going to drop dead in a very short period of time. I am going with my intuition to stay on these drugs at least a couple more weeks, even if it means never using psychs until years from now or perhaps ever again. I guess I am not really asking a question because I know in my heart what is the right thing to do. My life is so positive and beautiful these days, that I can't risk a relapse and committing suicide over it. And if the drugs didn't get me in a week or two, the withdrawal makes me downright suicidal in a single day. It makes me think of the most morbid possible ways of ending my life... anyways, I'm not really asking a question because I am a man who can make my own decisions, and I understand that tripping this frequently on RC's (I just happen to love 2c-c and 2c-d... I could never handle tripping on acid or mushrooms for this long, and DMT is a special occasion for me after I smoked it daily for a month this summmer). So, just my psychedelics of choice really are 2c-c, 2c-d, and DMT (along with some psilocin analogues and AL-LAD when I'm feeling healthy.

Guess I just needed to vent as I only have one friend who is into psychedelics as much as myself and has tried these drugs before (except for dmt). However, since he is a cocaine addict in the making I have decided to cease contact with him for now completely, along with many of my other friends. I am surrounding myself with love and beauty and just needed to vent because it is a sad morning over here. It's more my downer kinda environment than how I'm feeling internally today, I feel, but I am having cravings for oxycodone because I know I would sleep 12 hours like a baby. The insomnia is what got me last year when I was tapering oxy's and lowered my dose from 200mg to 40mg (by the end of it this year, if I didn't have smack even 400mg of oxy would not be enough to satisfy me at all). I know it is the opiates fucking with me, not my new job or the psychs as I can normally sleep fine on or after psychedelics. I essentially need spiritual protection and if I must use up all my psychedelic reserves for life to stay clean of those rails of heroin, that is a fine enough compromise to me as I don't want to drop dead before Christmas.

Tokezu, you have my blessings again just so I remember before I annoying my hands with the oils. I am going to drink a liter of coconut water, quite a lot of kombucha, 2 vegan protein bars and a cup of earl grey tea with a hint of vanilla. I just showered too, and after the spiritual anointment of sacred essential oils I should be feeling a little better. I can feel the disease in my spirit today, the horrible pain that led me to addiction. I can sense it, and it is a monster. Even the song I'm listening to right now by Lil Peep is saying "I can't feel my own fuckin face"... by the end of it, as I could no longer catch a buzz from opiates, I was mixing in fishscale to my lines as well. I'm in tears I guess just because it's on my mind but there is no stopping it. It has to be on my mind sometimes because how can I deny that I will have cravings for those things. I can't rely on psychs forever but I sure as hell can for as long as I need to in order to finally stay clean. I don't have another withdrawal in me I really don't. I'd rather die than endure it again - and I would lose my job, my new passions, the men and women I have met and have formed healthy relationships with... I would lose everything including my life.

Just needed to vent I guess it's just not easy to let go of bad habits when they get that fucking bad. I missed my two favourite bands play this year (one I have their emblem tattooed on my arm) - because I didn't have H that day. Skipped the train to the shows, skipped out on my buddy who was inviting me to stay, laid in bed sick as fuck holding the tickets for my two fave bands. I can't ever go back to living that way. I have made myself suffer enough.

Blessings to you all in fact. Frankincense and Sandalwood are very powerful and each of us are in some way cosmically interconnected, as with all that exists, has ever existed, and whatever there is to come.

 

[HeadphonesandLSD]

Sounds like they have their priorities straight... And yeah that workplace seems like out of a bad movie. How come you take so much responsibility there? Have you shown once that you can actually do good work and since then they expect more from you than from anyone else or is it more like you just have trouble saying no? If you don't mind me asking.

I am skilled labor working in an environment where you simply have to have a pulse to get hired. Any time I take such a job (I've had several) I'm thrust into a leadership position within days. I used to have a hard time saying no but it isn't a problem anymore. This time I was tricked into it. They needed someone to cover that post for a day and I did such a good job and knew the computer so well (it's DOS, CP/M and DOS were the first OSs I learned) that I was asked to stay there full time. From then on I just had more and more placed on my shoulders. I'm likely going to quit after I rob them of another $400 or so. I'm thinking about getting on with the cable company. They give you a truck, gas card, and free internet. Sounds pretty good to me.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Well, switching the tires and bonding with the father-in-law wasn't so bad at all, actually kinda fun but now the wheel shimmys in my hand, so I have to run over to the tire shop and get the wheels balanced, get an alignment next week too... It's always something with this car

 

[tokezu]

Thank you guys, that means a lot to me.

Headphones, it sounds like the best thing in that situation would have been to intentionally fuck it up so they just leave you be in the future. But I probably couldn't bring myself to do that either.

ShroomySatori, I have never done any opiates so maybe I'm just talking out of my ass, but I think once it has made *click* in your head and you know that you don't want to go on like that, you can never fully go back to the self deception of "It's really not that bad" that is a big part of addiction. Once you know, you can't unknow. Of course people sometimes have relapses and go in circles, but once you know what your goal is you won't let yourself forget it until you have finally arrived there.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Interesting perspective man, you are not talking out of that. That *click* has been made, but it is lost with a single percocet. Last relapse, I was lucky to find my strength after just a week and 200 oxycodone pills, which occurred after a very nasty cocaine binge, as the awakening of what was happening was catalyzed by 2c-c. I had to withdraw all over again and it was even worse than before as I was so discouraged. I cannot ever use again, or I will be dead within a couple weeks from suicide or overdose. I don't have another detox in me... the chronic relapsing this year has weathered me to skin and bone. As soon as I use, I lose my fiery spirit, my intense desire to quit, and become a lost cause with one thing in mind. It can take anywhere from a few days, to several months or years before that *click* happens again - if it ever even does - and usually it takes some sort of great loss (the last and final time, it was a lovely romance which I chose a bottle of percocets over a few too many times). It makes one so numb, that one will lose sight of everything immediately. It is of vital importance that I remain clean this time, as I know in my heart that if I ever use so much as a 5mg percocet again, I will shortly thereafter be metal and dust.

It is a fight for my life at this point as with a tolerance that high, I would use the same amount as before and either die, or start the process of withdrawal entirely all over again within a couple of days. It has taken every ounce of strength in my body and spirit to make it this far, and using again would really be the end of me. I have already had so many chances that if I can't get it this time, I may as well be gone like the wind anyway and really I'd deserve it.

I also know in my heart, that I will never use again. I wouldn't be able to do so, as I resent heroin and oxycodone with every bone in my body. The thought of using disgusts me, and that is the real change this time. I detoxed perhaps ten times, but I was never serious about keeping clean... I think I was doing it to lower my tolerance and get a great high back then. So the real change happens when you simply refuse to use ever again, no matter what it takes, and you truly leave the drugs behind in your past. With this, comes a knowledge that a relapse will never happen again. I am confident in saying that at this point, as I have simply lost too much. The wasted 100 grand over 5 years up my nose was really, the good part.

I hope you get through this difficult part of your life okay.

 

[Xorkoth]

I also know in my heart, that I will never use again. I wouldn't be able to do so, as I resent heroin and oxycodone with every bone in my body. The thought of using disgusts me, and that is the real change this time. I detoxed perhaps ten times, but I was never serious about keeping clean... I think I was doing it to lower my tolerance and get a great high back then. So the real change happens when you simply refuse to use ever again, no matter what it takes, and you truly leave the drugs behind in your past. With this, comes a knowledge that a relapse will never happen again. I am confident in saying that at this point, as I have simply lost too much. The wasted 100 grand over 5 years up my nose was really, the good part.

Yeah, that's where I'm at, after ibogaine. I realized and decided that I could never use and opiate again even once as long as I live, and that I WILL never do them. I didn't allow a "maybe just from time to time" or "maybe just once someday" or "who knows what will happen in the future". Once I did that, it became no longer an option and after a while my desire to use them disappeared. 4 years later and I've had zero cravings for years. I don't even entertain the idea of kratom, or anything that hits the delta/mu opioid receptors. Every other time I've even gone there a single time it ends in a spiral that's worse than the last time. Since I know that now, and I'm way past any sort of lingering stuff from it, the idea of breaking this rule seems crazy to me, I just wouldn't do that, things are great and why would I want to fuck that up like I definitely would be doing if I took an opiate again?

 

[ShroomySatori]

It really doesn't matter how long you are clean right, even years later if you were to take an opiate even once I feel that a relapse would be inevitable (when we have taken things this far gone in the past). Did you have cravings when you quit? I haven't really had them much at all, and when I do it is miserable and not an aching desire of the mind, but rather a disease of the body. My entire spine will set itself ablaze, and I feel like I am burning alive, and withdrawal symptoms return due to the mind-body connection. I cannot be fooled. If I use again, I will have to go through the whole process all over again, and I only have so much energy to fight that.

I refuse to self harm my wonderful life with any sort of opioid receptor agonist ever again. I would never do it, and if heroin or oxycodone was in front of me this very moment I have great confidence I would immediately discard of it in a safe manner, which would not involve me using so much as a bump, without so much as a second thought.

It took several relapses for me to figure things out. 2c-c and 2c-d have not hurt, either, to help me wake up and learn to attract more positive energy into my life. The abuse was really a symptom of my complete dissatisfaction with life, loneliness, and absolute selfishness. This aspect of myself has changed and it has manifested already in so many beautiful ways. I am perfectly content, for once, being just myself.

I have missed out on so much... I can't wait to go for dinner and drinks with those two colleagues of mine. Our work is so ridiculous, that I feel we are the only ones who understand each other about that and I have become good friend with both of these women within a day. If I was still using, I would never even have this job as I was too unreliable to work one. Why would I ever even consider taking all of this beauty and positivity away from my life in exchange for something that will, at this point, result in my death? Opiates even took my sexuality away, my brain was so overridden by the drugs that I couldn't have had sex by the end of it if I even wanted to, which I didn't. It really is that powerful, and I can't say I regret it as this, like all things, was meant to happen to me. There is wisdom that can come from it, or total self destruction if I am so foolish as to use half a 5mg percocet ever again.

I am loving my life, the only thing is residual insomnia. It's good that I have attracted night-time work into my life someway, somehow. The insomnia aggravates my pre-existing chronic back pain into excruciating levels of agony. I am still happier than I have ever been in my life! I am really not bothered by the pain, as the suffering of addiction and withdrawal was really so much worse. I felt empty, and was truly a shell of my former self. I lost everything, even if that did not manifest in my external reality (luckily, I did not end up homeless or dead or in jail or anything, as I quit just in the knick of time when I sensed that I was completely losing control) - internally I was a ghost, and it was the saddest and most disheartening feeling I have ever known.

 

[Xorkoth]

I had random transient cravings for a while but basically no, no real cravings, because I was just disgusted with it and excited about my new life. Now it's not even random transient ones.

 

[HeadphonesandLSD]

I only crave them when they're around and I'm in a particularly foul mood, I don't have much issue begin around them when other people are using them and just see it as a waste of money. I did partake of about 10-20mg of oxycodone one night with my best friend. It was a stupid decision and I felt like shit the next day, it really just solidified all the reasons why I gave them up in the first place. I can't use them anymore, one taste just leads me into instantly craving more. I didn't even get high the last time I used them and basically just wasted my friends drugs. I'm working on breaking him of his own habit now and showing him there is a better way. If I'm going to partake there are better things out there even for simple pain reduction.

Also, I've noticed the act (for me prepping the pill to be snorted/snorting it) has more of a pull on me than the actual effects. Opioids don't really get me high anymore unless I take high doses. I had a high natural tolerance to them before I developed a real habit and I think years of use just made it even worse. I'd probably die before I obtained the level I wanted (which is a deep nod with morphine dreams).

 

[ShroomySatori]

I get one perfect little high out of each devastating relapse. That is the tradeoff for me... and even one or two uses sends me immediately back to square one in terms of detox and withdrawal.

It's good to know that the cravings go away with time. I am in a similar position, in that my newfound love of life is so enthusiastic, passionate, and productive that the negative energy of heroin or oxycodone simply disgusts me and the thought of the error of my ways is sometimes enough to bring me to tears for hours. I feel like a lot of people who don't succeed are not quitting for themselves, and with their future in mind. I am very lucky, in certain respects, that my habit was a secret from anyone but my younger brother and my past two girlfriends for all those years. To this day, I find it hard to comprehend how nobody, even my parents, realized how soaring high I was. It was so obvious to me, and my pupils were always tiny little pinpricks. People just thought I was happy for once. Always making excuses, always needing to borrow money for random shit... I feel like a lot of people close to me distanced themselves and wanted to be in denial about what was really going on, or had secretly given up on me. My brother has always been there for me since I told him about everything earlier this year (he had no idea how bad it was).

I am feeling great about myself and my future these days. I am grateful that I still have my life, as many in this position have unfortunately not survived. I owe it to each of these lost spirits to make the most of my time in this incarnation from now on. There is not a moment to waste anymore!