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Nobody's #1

Shelbel69

Shelbel69

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 29, 2020
Messages
200
Hello friends. I am coming down from 2 days of euphoric bliss. Prior to this small binge I was convinced it was my time to set it down once & for all. I lasted 4 days & without any hesitation I called my plug. The 4 days were so bad I barely could move. My body felt wrecked & my mind was well not functioning. I had absolutely not a clear thought in my head. All doom & gloom. It has been many months that I took days off. Anyway what my deal is right now as I'm feeling tired & cold is that I fear I will never be special to anyone . I so yearn for a man to make me his number 1. To be someone's person. To feel I am his girl. But I am never chosen. And it is most likely my fate for life. I just am venting & already feel stupid for this rant. Feel free to dismiss this gibberish
 
Don't feel stupid there, lady.

It is good to talk about these things, these are the things that really matter. At least to most people.

What is the drug you are talking about? If the question is invasive, just ignore it and don't reply.
 
Ghost fart said:
Don't feel stupid there, lady.

It is good to talk about these things, these are the things that really matter. At least to most people.

What is the drug you are talking about? If the question is invasive, just ignore it and don't reply.
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Thanks for your support. I just needed to get it off my chest as I don't have friends in real life to talk to. And for saying that it matters, I never know if I'm just whining or what. And my doc is Meth. Which in all reality is the love of my life. Just being real with ya.
 
The Wizard of the Creek said:
If meth is the love of your life, than there can be no room for a man to make you his #1. Meth will always be #1 for you. No one can compete with meth, and absolutely no one will chose you in real life when they know that they have to compete with meth. I certainly wouldn’t! The only things you’ll ever attract are people that will take advantage of you. You need to accept the fact that you will never be able to get close to another living person so long as you live if you choose meth as the love of your life.

That’s the truth and you know it.

🧙‍♂️
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So very accurate it sent chills down my spine. I should not say such dramatic statements. But I have no filter anymore. I don't know shit about love or bonding or connecting or sharing myself openly anymore. Most men want one thing & fuck off if you won't throw it around. I appreciate you being so blunt with me. But hell I tried to find more than a fycking hook up & now fuck it I really dislike men. So yeah we all are addicts which means the drug comes first. I just phrased it with a flair. Kill me
 
The Wizard of the Creek said:
No one can compete in an abusive relationship like addiction. You never had a chance to compete and thinking that you have control over addiction is the insanity of it all.

I think this thread might be better served in the Recovery Support forums.
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Why move it? I'm not interested in recovery support at this time.
 
The Wizard of the Creek said:
Understood, and I don’t mean to sound heartless at all. I’ve had the luxury of going through recovery and “breaking up” with past loves like years of heroin addiction and before that years crack/cocaine addiction. I have been clean (for the most part) for 8 years now, and I know now that the love affair with drugs like meth/heroin/crack/alcohol are one-sided and take absolutely everything from you. It’s an abusive relationship that we all think we can control while we are in it.

I lost everything to addiction, and only after everyone and everything was lost (including myself) did I gather the courage to hate my addiction enough to ask for help. It is impossible that I’m clean now, but I didn’t do it alone. I have my family now with my children and a truly magical partner. I only have them because I broke up with the drugs.

🧙‍♂️
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There. Better. Mutual tone of understanding has been found. I am absolutely delighted to read that you do well these days. You are strong. Do not let anyone say anything else, ever.

It is just when a lady is clearly reaching out for help, and you decide to make a post in order to smash her even lower. That shit is uncalled for and that is where i take a stand, against it. Support, or say nothing at all.
 
I cannot say for certain that there is no man in the world who can compete with an addiction. Afterall, where do you go to get help when getting help for an addiction? A man (or woman) or group of. You are a person yourself and although it’s extremely tough to beat an addiction, maybe impossibly by some models of addiction, you do have a say in how much it runs your life. You especially have a say in how much an addiction defines your worth as a person who deserves to be loved. You do.

It is very hard to convince someone else to change their views and accept it for you though. The best you can do here, I think, is to extricate yourself from the scene a bit and meet with people who are supportive of you in other ways. Lift yourself up from the substance and loathing and others will follow.

Ive personally met many people who have completely ditched me for one reason alone and that is addiction. They won’t even believe I have other stuff going on. I’ve been put down so badly so many times. I just try and promote the positives when I can. Sometimes I get completely lost in shit too. Its not easy.
 
Mmm I've never had a healthy relationship with a fellow addict, especially not the ones who used meth. The scene is brutal. You know the deal, all drugs go to the guy, and he then might give you back a bit if your shit.. the intense paranoia, the obsessive violence. I'm sorry, a decent sized meth problem they all turn into monsters in the end.
 
I
Shelbel69 said:
Hello friends. I am coming down from 2 days of euphoric bliss. Prior to this small binge I was convinced it was my time to set it down once & for all. I lasted 4 days & without any hesitation I called my plug. The 4 days were so bad I barely could move. My body felt wrecked & my mind was well not functioning. I had absolutely not a clear thought in my head. All doom & gloom. It has been many months that I took days off. Anyway what my deal is right now as I'm feeling tired & cold is that I fear I will never be special to anyone . I so yearn for a man to make me his number 1. To be someone's person. To feel I am his girl. But I am never chosen. And it is most likely my fate for life. I just am venting & already feel stupid for this rant. Feel free to dismiss this gibberish
Click to expand...
It's not gibberish and don't feel bad. I think a lot of people here have felt the 'fated to be forever alone' way you do right now.
I certainly used to think that I was the last piece of garbage on this earth and not worthy of anyone's affection.

Also my drug was my substitute for the relationship I was missing. (As well as I was using it for a whole shopping list of other reasons besides.) Thing is as long you make that your no. 1 in life, then potential partners will make a mile detour around you. They won't wanna give you a chance because they'll rightly think they have a rival. As long as you're this attached to the stuff there's 3 in the relationship. I should know ; when I was a heavy daily user there was no room and no consideration in my life for anything else.
 
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@The Wizard of the Creek

Yeah, I disagree on this one man. I can love H and a woman with all my heart. I can love weed and love my daughter. You can have a no.1 person and a no.1 cereal. They aren't mutually exclusive.

@Shelbel69

One of the most difficult things to navigate in life is anxious self-fulfilling prophecies. We tend to get back what we project in life, to one extent or another.

There is someone out there for you.

You need to believe.
 
birdup.snaildown said:
I can love H and a woman with all my heart. I can love weed and love my daughter. You can have a no.1 person and a no.1 cereal. They aren't mutually exclusive.
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Perfectly possible ; yes.

The only thing is your substance of choice cannot be your priority over your loved ones. That's the crucial point.
Say if you even have to think for a second about whether to go score or buy your kid some food etc, or if you're spending half the day high out of your mind and are merely physically present with the people in your life, but not mentally there with them, then the balance is tilted too far in favour of the drug and your relationships will not be healthy ones.
 
@Shelbel69,

I can absolutely relate to what you’re saying. I have been without romantic love in my life for a year, this month, and I have days where I wonder if I will ever find love again.

I take Oxys; 4 of the 20mg pills daily. They are prescribed, but I don’t think I’m any better, or less addicted to them than anybody else.

The only thing that sets me apart from other daily opiate ab/users is that I’m confident the pills I take are pure. I’m never worried that I’m getting Oxy + fentanyl, or something other than what I’m paying for, or expecting. This doesn’t make my use of opiates a good thing, however.

I have often thought I’d be more likely to reach out to others socially if I stuck to drinking Chardonnay, which is my 2ndary issue, after Oxys. I haven’t been to a bar since the advent of COVID. I also have been less involved in social events. I’m not ugly or fat, and I believe I’m funny, smart and chill.

As for finding love again, I have absolutely zero interest in visiting dating websites. My last boyfriend and I had known each other since we were 5, and having gone to school together, we still have lots of mutual friends. That makes it really difficult to ask my friends to set me up with someone; if I haven’t met the person previously, chances are my other friends, plus my ex, likely have.

I’m thinking that I need to try and make some new friends, that are completely unrelated to my original group of friends, and perhaps I’ll meet someone new this way. I have a variety of passions, and I believe this may be my ticket to meeting someone new. I collect seashells; maybe I could meet a similar person at the beach. I love planes, maybe I’ll meet a fellow plane enthusiast at an aircraft museum.

Anyway, those are my latest thoughts about how to go about meeting someone new, with similar interests. I do insist that the person I’m with accept that I take Oxys + I enjoy Chardonnay, probably a bit too much. I also want a guy who’s generally open-minded regarding all recreational drug use. I don’t want to be with someone that shares just drug-related issues in common with me; ideally, though. I’d like it if we had other things in common. I’m also willing to relocate, if I met the right person.

I think it may take some work, @Shelbel69, but I believe that both of us can find new romantic partners. We have to determine what’s important to us in a partner and then figure out the best places and ways to meet such a person.

Good luck to you!
 
You could find the guy of your dreams and you could conveniently be his dream girl, at any stage of life.

Itll probably happen if you increase the amount of general people you hang out with socially and get some sort of routine like Sunday sessions at a particular pub.


Heaps of people meet, addiction is what it is, try to keep them separate

Its better to be without than having short term things with losers.
 
✿Dai₷y✿ said:
You could find the guy of your dreams and you could conveniently be his dream girl, at any stage of life.

Itll probably happen if you increase the amount of general people you hang out with socially and get some sort of routine like Sunday sessions at a particular pub.


Heaps of people meet, addiction is what it is, try to keep them separate

Its better to be without than having short term things with losers.
Click to expand...
Yeah. I had this thing recently with this dude who kept attempting suicide because “love” and it’s total karma because I did some similar shoot last year. At least I can say that I have never attempted suicide because I met somebody the third time and the third time it wasn’t a relationship because it never was one?
 
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