No sex...worthy cause of a breakup?

[kytnism]

Sexual attraction is a state, not an emotion. You are either attracted to someone or you're not. You can't talk someone into being sexually attracted to you.

Don't mix up the state of attraction and feeling of affection. They are completely different animals.

If you've ever tried having sex with someone you're not attracted to, you don't need to speculate, it's just kind of icky. She wants to see if the spark's there but when it's not she withdraws. Or, she's just a big meanie, either way...

OP - don't take my comments or her actions as insults. I'm sure you're a fine, upstanding, stud-muffin of a man. Just not her fine, upstanding, stud-muffin. Find the one who's heart races and knickers drop when they see you and put the work into them, not this relationship. And don't cheat, it's douchy, do both of you a favor and just politely break it off.

So, after 2 years together there have been 3 times in the last 5 months where she has been comfortable enough to have sex? How long should he spend being her friend-without-benefits before he starts worrying about his needs being met?

Withholding sex in a romantic relationship, where sex was an implied and expected part of the relationship deal, is just as bad as cheating. You're changing the dynamic of the arrangement and purposely denying your partner the chance for intimacy that they desire. If you don't like sex or want sex then you should make that clear in the beginning and you can't expect someone who does want sex to stay in a relationship with you

He can't read her mind, he tried opening a dialogue and obviously got no constructive feedback or he wouldn't be here. Her inability to communicate her needs, insecurities and/or concerns are her failings, not his. She is responsible for her own happiness and he for his. Telling him he has to wait it out or he's a bad guy is not fair. It's also unfair to ask that he sacrifice his own sexual/emotional/physical happiness in the hopes that maybe, some day, some way she might come around to his way of thinking. I can tell you from experience, that's pretty damn rare.

Update
Well, i ended up talking to her. I basically merged all of these ridiculously awesome answers together I received and I told her how I felt. She again freaked out but I told her what needed to be done and what we should do. I brought it up in a very constructive and calming manner and did my best to be civilized. It began turning into a heated argument because she thought I was being, for a lack of better words, pushy/forceful...? Its been 5 days since the talk, then yesterday she texts me: "babe, we HAVE to fuck this week. My medical procedure (donating an egg to a family) is this week and we wont be able to bone for 10 days -__-" Almost talking like we do it on the daily and the following week will be a death sentence. I just reply with "ok haha that sounds good lets do it". But Im smarter than that and know its not gonna happen. She goes in for this thing on sunday, and my little sister has a party tomorrow with her little friends. And its a sleepover haha. SO, it looks like in the very very very near future, Ill be single and ready to mingle. Thank you so much for the comments/suggestions. I honestly couldn't have gotten better advice from a better group of people and ultimately I know that Im doing the right thing. Thanks everyone

i too found philpers input very useful in this discussion. he made alot of honest, candid and valid points. the comment that really hit home, was " being friends without benefits". theres no way any relationship can healthily be sustained under those terms.

im happy to hear you have found resolve in the matter and are now doing something to correct that and find your true happiness. i wish you all the best in finding what/who it is youre looking for that can satisfy your needs mutually. good luck op

...kytnism...

 

[lola]

Update
My medical procedure (donating an egg to a family) is this week and we wont be able to bone for 10 days -__-" Almost talking like we do it on the daily and the following week will be a death sentence.

Am I hearing this right?!? She's donated an egg? Do you realise how much hormones they pump into women for egg donation, and you're saying nothing has changed/she's not on "any medications"? Sheesh dude, of course her sex drive is going to be all over the place... have some empathy in that case.

 

[Frankthetank41]

Am I hearing this right?!? She's donated an egg? Do you realise how much hormones they pump into women for egg donation, and you're saying nothing has changed/she's not on "any medications"? Sheesh dude, of course her sex drive is going to be all over the place... have some empathy in that case.

Lola those dont start until Sunday. Nothing has been/will be given too her until then

 

[Retik]

Im 45 and have sex a few times a year and thats if i push the issue. I am a decent looking guy, in good shape, and a good provider. I am at my wits friggin end and refuse to degrade myself by begging. The way i look at it, she is either interested or she is not. To me, she is not. The crazy and frustrating thing is this: she will get flirtatious with me and touch me during the day and tell me after the kids go to sleep we are going to have hot sex . When night comes , she will take a shower and whisper that she isnt wearing panties and to come to the bedroom after the kids are sleeping. When i do it, she tells me she is tired or acts like she is sound asleep. This infuriates me as well as degrade me which causes a tremendous amount of resentment to where i dont even try kissing her. Then she gets upset and wants to know why i am not affectionate and how come i never try anything or kiss her. Is she kidding !!!! Everytime i bring up the sex issue she gets defensive. To me, i have some self pride so i geel screw it, she isnt interested or she wants to play games, let her do it with someone else, if it werent fir my beautiful chidren whom i love, i would be gone. I am getting very depressed becuase i am already 45 and i am really coming to the stark realization that i may never have a normal sex life again. Sex is a natural need and its what separates friend / sister from lover. I do not think it is fair to have one partner dictate the sex life, its completely selfish. Im also convinced that all the talk about getting your girl in the mood by doing all sorts of romantic things is utter nonsense. Have sex with someone you lobe and are attracted to should never be that much work. What next, sweet talking by best friend into watching the football game with me!
I am in a bad place right now and feel trapped.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Absolutely I wouldn't be in a committed relationship that was lacking in sex. That's a perfectly acceptable reason to move on.

 

[YaBa]

Sounds more like she have problems with her sexuality and you are the one who suffers. I know women who are not really into sex, but they still understand that their partners want and need it. For women it's usually ridiculously easy to keep her man satisfied, that in the end it's just a matter of choice. And choice in your situation seems quite clear.

 

[EP158207]

@Retik: why dont you leave and find someone who wants to have sex with you?

 

[Not Again]

Only read the OP's first post.

In this case I think she may need to talk to her Dr. My wife went through something like this and we went to the DR and she gave her some hormones and away we went. Eventually she didn't need that anymore and she was back to normal.

Even a marriage of 10 years has way more sex than you. I have my little girl 3 y/o still sleeping in out bed so it's hard for us to have sex but we still manage a few times a month, and now it's me. Too much opies and the sex drive goes right out the window. So I have some viagra to counter that. lol

Anyways. You aren't married so I'd say time to look somewhere else. You don't want this forever. It would only get worse.

Also, on the other hand she might be cheating on you and getting sex somewhere else. Who knows.

Good luck...

 

[Neoprimitive]

Man I have gone long periods of time with no sex in a relationship ( granted I was stationed in Iraq and then Afghanistan ) but got home and things where cold due to well the fact that we had grown into two different people. When you are basically friends who love each other but are not having sex, it's time to move on you can try but when neither of you are having needs met emotionally and physically it is time to have the conversation about going your separate ways. You can still love some one with out out begin in a committed relationship( I still love this woman as a dear friend but that's it). And seriously after two years mate things are not gonna change ( not for the good any way) your both just gonna build up resentment best to part friends or just part ways. Good luck mate

 

[GoodGrlGoneBad]

Relationships Are Negotiable Contracts

missmeyet - nope, I mean it. If someone enters into a relationship with the understanding that it's sexual, then retracts the sexuality from it at some point arbitrarily (sickness, injury, genuine mental health issues obviously aren't arbitrary), without the other partners agreement, then I think the other partner also has the right to restructure it to their satisfaction as well. Relationships are a social contract between individuals with explicit and implied obligations - emotional and physical. One individual shouldn't feel they can renege on the contract without implications.

Before anyone says "It's my body, I have a right to decide what I do with it.", you're absolutely right in every way. I'm just saying if you decide sexy time is over with your partner you should let them know ASAP, so they can decide what they want to do (or not do) with their body. Life's too short to be held hostage by unfulfilled promises.

I agree with this statement wholeheartedly! A relationship is a contract that is constantly being re-negotiated and if the terms are changed by one partner without the consent of the other, the contract has a tendency to become void. It's only when people have checked-out of a relationship (usually through complacency) that this re-negotiation is so one-sided. I hate to break it to the poor kid, but I'm afraid she doesn't give a sh1t about his feelings or she would be more honest about what she wants, which seems to be a best friend with whom to occasionally make out.

 

[RAZEONE]

Im 45 and have sex a few times a year and thats if i push the issue. I am a decent looking guy, in good shape, and a good provider. I am at my wits friggin end and refuse to degrade myself by begging. The way i look at it, she is either interested or she is not. To me, she is not. The crazy and frustrating thing is this: she will get flirtatious with me and touch me during the day and tell me after the kids go to sleep we are going to have hot sex . When night comes , she will take a shower and whisper that she isnt wearing panties and to come to the bedroom after the kids are sleeping. When i do it, she tells me she is tired or acts like she is sound asleep. This infuriates me as well as degrade me which causes a tremendous amount of resentment to where i dont even try kissing her. Then she gets upset and wants to know why i am not affectionate and how come i never try anything or kiss her. Is she kidding !!!! Everytime i bring up the sex issue she gets defensive. To me, i have some self pride so i geel screw it, she isnt interested or she wants to play games, let her do it with someone else, if it werent fir my beautiful chidren whom i love, i would be gone. I am getting very depressed becuase i am already 45 and i am really coming to the stark realization that i may never have a normal sex life again. Sex is a natural need and its what separates friend / sister from lover. I do not think it is fair to have one partner dictate the sex life, its completely selfish. Im also convinced that all the talk about getting your girl in the mood by doing all sorts of romantic things is utter nonsense. Have sex with someone you lobe and are attracted to should never be that much work. What next, sweet talking by best friend into watching the football game with me!
I am in a bad place right now and feel trapped.

Next time she says she isn't wearing her panties grab her arm, drag her back into the shower and fuck her there..

I'm sure you should be able to tell if she is genuinely horny or not. Rub her pussy, see how she reacts! You need to be more dominant here. She is trying to provoke some sort of reaction from you for whatever reason. She is the one dominating you. If she's genuinely not sexually interested and she's just pretending to be horny for the sole reason of letting you down then that is fucked up. Either she gets weird pleasure from it or maybe she's angry that you don't satisfy her and this is like her punishing you.

What happens when you try and initiate sex? Does she reject you as soon as you try caressing her?

 

[Money7612]

No offense man but have you thought of the possibly that she could be sleeping with some one else and maybe she had that all planned out bc she didn't wanna hang out with you but she didn't want you to know that bc she was afraid that it would make it to obvious that she had something else planned and she probably knew you would get mad and leave with out you knowing she wanted you to leave so she could either go hangout with and sleep with this guy at his place or he could come and hangout with and sleep with her in her bed at her parents house. But then again you may just suck at sex and she don't wanna tell you bc she's afraid she'll hurt your feelings and if she stops having sex with you at all then you'll know for a fact that either she's sleeping with someone else or you suck in bed bro

 

[Clitnhawk]

Two year old posts... these guys are long gone.

 

[Robbie240]

The no sex is a worthy break up. If you don't have sex then I believe you are jus really good friends on the thin line that separates the labels "friends " and "couple". This is the reason why I ended my 3 year relationship. We went from having sex quite a bit to strictly foreplay for the remaining 2 years. And in the last half year she stopped everything (I.e. Making out, compliments, showering together).i was great to her too. She knows it as did everyone else.it hurts like hell but I keep asking myself " would I want to go back to the person that makes me feel unwanted and unworthy enough?" I say no. You will miss them when they are gone but you have to remember that this is your prime years! You won't get these back when you hit 30. Yall sound very in love but sex is a healthy trait in a relationship. Bottom line: neither one of you are in the wrong but if you can't have your needs met while you meet hers then move on before you get even deeper like have kids ,get married or buy a house