No sex...worthy cause of a breakup?

[Frankthetank41]

I've been looking this up for a while now and have read many posts regarding this topic. I've read a lot of good answers but I feel I should tell my story before coming to a conclusion with the help of your thoughts/comments/suggestions...

My girlfriend and I (both 22) have been dating for over two years. She lives at home still and I in the dorms at school (until the late summer where ill be renting a house with 2 roommates). I want to say in the last like 5 months or so, we've had sex 3 times if I remember correctly. During that time we would occasionally fool around, but roughly 90% of the time, she would never finish the job. I've gotten blue balls more than any two people I know. And if you've gotten blue balls, or been left with a wet vag, you know it is quite devastating and is just. Pure. Evil!

A few nights ago, I opened up to her about it, telling her how I felt about the issue. This is in the ballpark of what I told her:

Why don't you ever want to do anything sexual with me anymore? I understand that you aren't comfortable with me having roommates, but no matter where we are or what we're doing, even when nobody is around, you never want to do anything. Ever. I've pretty much 100% stopped trying to get intimate or in a mood with you. Yeah I obviously get horny around you but I never go after you like I used too. 99% of the time we fool around, you start something and you never follow through with it. It's honestly one of the most frustrating thing I have ever encountered in my lifetime. It's why I shoo you away from my dick all the time; you'll never follow through with whah you started. I have gotten blue balls more than any person I know, twofold. I'm not telling you this so you do stuff out of guilt, cause ill feel absolutely terrible and not the poin of this talk, but if you're not gonna follow through with something, just please don't Even do anything. I can't handle the backup every single time.

She got really defensive. She tells people she loves sex, but I'm like, babe...we never do anything. Ever. Why would you say that and give the impression you like doing something you actually don't?
I know she loves me and can tell she absolutely cares about me (as everyone tells me all the time) but if something doesn't get fixed or can't get past this, I'm afraid of cheating or just breaking up with her. Am I putting too much pressure on this? It's more so the fact she doesn't want to get intimate rather than "my needs" being met.

Being a guy, i know we're visual creatures but the constant rejection and lack of getting intimate is blowing my mind and I'm getting close to calling it quits because it's getting very frustrating and tough to deal with.

I understand sex not being the only thing in a relationship, but it also delivers another special type of connection and communication with your partner. Ill let the pot stir and see what happens in the coming weeks but it is, like I said, quite frustrating. I am always respectful towards her and her feelings about this, since it's a sensitive topic for her and never have spoken to her about this until recently because I felt like it was a pressing issue.

Are other girls like this?
Does anyone get blueballs on the daily?
Do you ever get tempted to cheat because you're not being physically satisfied?
Do you get teased all the time? -_-
Ladies, would/do you do this to your boyfriend?
Is it a douche bag thing to break up over? Saying your needs are not being met?

Dahhhhh. I hope I got it all out

 

[xstayfadedx]

Ever think there may be a deeper issue to why she is not having sex? Maybe she's not telling you or maybe she just doesn't want to have sex. Think about her and not just your blue balls. If she doesn't want to have sex then she doesn't want to have sex. So either find out the reason behind the no sex issue... and don't complain about it or whine when asking. If she gives no reason or if she just doesn't want to have sex then whatever, break up with her. Clearly, its not working for you. So why wait around if you're not happy? Yes, its a little shallow to dump her just because of no sex or is low a better word.. however, its understandable as to why you would. Just might not be for her.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

No sex is a worthy cause of a breakup.

 

[Bearlove]

When sex isn't the be all and end all in a relationship it certainly plays a big part in it (especially as your both young and in a new relationship so you should not be having blue balls at all).

There must be a reason why she doesn't want sex with you - unless you find out what that is, in a constructive manner then the situation isn't going to change.

Your already feeling closed off from her as you simply do not bother to initiate intimate fooling around as you know your going to get knocked back - this has manifested the need for you to start cheating on her.

A relationship is a mixture of emotions and feeling's if your not being fulfilled sexually then your obviously feeling rejected emotionally (how can she love you but leave you hanging etc). If you have discussed it with her and have tried to take things slowly etc (not always expecting watching a movie to end up with sex etc) and she does not see it as a problem etc then leave.

 

[phliper]

No sex is a deal breaker. Without sex you're just in a formalized friendship at best. If you were in a friendship with anyone else and your "friend" wasn't at all concerned with your happiness, you wouldn't be friends for very long.

Bottem line - SHE DOESN'T FIND YOU SEXY! It won't get better by talking and talking and talking. We all know they say they want sensitive men but there has to be a certain strength in you as well or you get delegated to the "friend zone". You are allowing her to dictate the terms of YOUR sex life, that is not strength. If she doesn't find you sexy now, acting in the same ways won't change that, no matter how much you talk. You'll eventually get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and she'll go off with another man...and screw him like a banshee.

Man up, gtfo and find a woman who wants you

 

[llama112]

Well, you two don't really have a good place to have sex, since you have roommates and she lives with her parents. So I think her not wanting to have sex a lot is pretty reasonable.
That being said, maybe there is a deeper issue. Maybe there is something she's not telling you. You never know.
Can't you ever get away, just the two of you?

 

[meadowslotus]

No sex is a deal breaker. Without sex you're just in a formalized friendship at best. If you were in a friendship with anyone else and your "friend" wasn't at all concerned with your happiness, you wouldn't be friends for very long.

Bottem line - SHE DOESN'T FIND YOU SEXY! It won't get better by talking and talking and talking. We all know they say they want sensitive men but there has to be a certain strength in you as well or you get delegated to the "friend zone". You are allowing her to dictate the terms of YOUR sex life, that is not strength. If she doesn't find you sexy now, acting in the same ways won't change that, no matter how much you talk. You'll eventually get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and she'll go off with another man...and screw him like a banshee.

Man up, gtfo and find a woman who wants you

Sorry but this guy's right.

I was with a guy for a a year recently and thought something was wrong with me because I didn't want to cuddle or have sex with him. After I broke up with him I found someone new as time went on and couldn't stop having sex, I turned into a nymph!

We tried talking about it for a long time, blaming different things and me coming up with a range of excuses (at the time I didn't know why I didn't want to either)

She doesn't fell much for you, sorry man.

 

[T. Calderone]

She doesn't fell much for you, sorry man.

It's hard for any of us to say how she really feels. You mentioned that she talks to your friends about how much she loves sex yet it's not happening. Maybe she feels inadequate or why would she feel the need to talk about this (a very personal issue) to people? Women can be mysterious and I wasn't into sex much for real until I was in mid-twenties or around there. Every person is different and it's good you had this talk with her. Give her a chance to perk up. You do have your own bedroom right?

 

[phliper]

It's hard for any of us to say how she really feels. You mentioned that she talks to your friends about how much she loves sex yet it's not happening. Maybe she feels inadequate or why would she feel the need to talk about this (a very personal issue) to people? Women can be mysterious and I wasn't into sex much for real until I was in mid-twenties or around there. Every person is different and it's good you had this talk with her. Give her a chance to perk up. You do have your own bedroom right?

Sexual attraction is a state, not an emotion. You are either attracted to someone or you're not. You can't talk someone into being sexually attracted to you.

Don't mix up the state of attraction and feeling of affection. They are completely different animals.

 

[T. Calderone]

Sure attraction has to be there and that could well be contributing to lack of sex. This is the part I don't get: is why she keeps getting him all hot and bothered to the point where he feels that he has to "shoo him off his dick?" What I'm gathering from the OP is she initiates just great but doesn't follow through. I understand the frustration, like if she's not planning to finish the job then why bother teasing him? Only she knows the answer to this and all we can do is speculate.

 

[phliper]

If you've ever tried having sex with someone you're not attracted to, you don't need to speculate, it's just kind of icky. She wants to see if the spark's there but when it's not she withdraws. Or, she's just a big meanie, either way...

OP - don't take my comments or her actions as insults. I'm sure you're a fine, upstanding, stud-muffin of a man. Just not her fine, upstanding, stud-muffin. Find the one who's heart races and knickers drop when they see you and put the work into them, not this relationship. And don't cheat, it's douchy, do both of you a favor and just politely break it off.

 

[missmeyet?]

Are you kidding me? For the guys (and girl) who think that she is not attracted to him and that's why no sex, that is ridiculous. For a female in this situation that probably has zero to do with it.

OP do NOT listen to that!! As said above though we can't know what the issue is but if she were not attracted to you she would not fool around with you the way she does!

It could be numerous things with a girl around that age but most likely she is feeling inadequate, insecure or worried about something totally unrelated to physical attraction. For a lot of females not only does there need to be some kind of physical attraction but if they are not totally comfortable (emotionally, physically, environmently etc) it will interfere. Maybe she is afraid of getting pregnant or she just so unsure of herself she is afraid. Hell, maybe intercourse hurts her physically and she is embarrassed to tell you! It could be a number of things.

By her telling people she loves sex but not actually doing it often this just sings inexperience to me. Regardless, it sounds as if you approached the whole thing completely wrong. If she is uncomfortable or worried about something and the way you approached it of course she will be defensive and embarrassed. Look at how many times you said "I, I, I" in the conversation you wrote. This was all about poor you and and your poor blue balls and not concern about what was going on with her or you two as a couple!!

That being said, everything depends on how much you care for her. You never really said how you felt about her (do you love her.?..I mean cheating is obviously something you have been thinking about). If you care about her and this relationship you will sit down with her and very gently tell her you approached the topic all wrong. Tell her care about her (if u do and its not just a piece of ass) and that you worry that the lack of sex is something wrong. Be gentle, and caring and act concerned about her feelings. Ask her is everything is ok with the relationship, do you do something to make her uncomfortable with it, can you do anything better. Is there anything she would like to talk about...etc...make her feel at ease. Don't criticize her for it. In order for things to work you must get to the bottom of what is going on and to do that, she must feel like you care about her. Its all about approaching it in a caring way where it not about all you.

So in answer to your question, yes, cheating because you aren't getting any would make you a real asshole. If you care about her you will get to the bottom of it, be patient and understanding. If it continues and she won't talk to you, before you cheat, break up with her. If she means something to you then don't cheat and work through it. Make sure you are gentle since she is defensive (which says she is unsure of herself and embarrassed).

Sooo, IF sex is more important and you aren't getting any, then you SHOULD break up with he (much better than cheating by the way). That would not make you a jerk, it just all depends on what is most important to you here, her and the relationship or not getting (or getting) any booty.

Good luck and be kind!

 

[missmeyet?]

No sex is a deal breaker. Without sex you're just in a formalized friendship at best. If you were in a friendship with anyone else and your "friend" wasn't at all concerned with your happiness, you wouldn't be friends for very long.

Bottem line - SHE DOESN'T FIND YOU SEXY! It won't get better by talking and talking and talking. We all know they say they want sensitive men but there has to be a certain strength in you as well or you get delegated to the "friend zone". You are allowing her to dictate the terms of YOUR sex life, that is not strength. If she doesn't find you sexy now, acting in the same ways won't change that, no matter how much you talk. You'll eventually get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and she'll go off with another man...and screw him like a banshee.

Man up, gtfo and find a woman who wants you

This is ridiculous!! For a lot of women (not all) many times attraction does have to with affection!

In this situation she sounds young, inexperienced and as if she has no confidence.

If I were not attracted to him and didn't want to be with him sexually I wouldn't even fool around with him. If she is really into fooling around up to the point of actually doing it she is more likely uncomfortable with something else. There maybe something about herself that is stopping her (what if he doesn't like the way my _______ looks/feels. What if I'm not doing _________right and it won't please him. Maybe there is something he does that makes her uncomfortable and she is embarrassed to tell him. For sex to be great with a guy, many women must have attraction, affection and feel comfortable with the environment etc.

This approach may work for you and the women you are with but this is not always the case!

 

[phliper]

Are you kidding me? For the guys (and girl) who think that she is not attracted to him and that's why no sex for women that probably has zero to do with it. OP do NOT listen to that!! As said above though we can't know what the issue is but if she were not attracted to you she would not fool around with you the way she does!

It could be numerous things with a girl arounf that age but most likey she is feeling inadequate, insecure or worried about something totally unrelated to physical attraction. For a lot of females not only does there need to be some kind of physical attraction but if they are not totally comfortable (emotionally, physically, environmently etc) it will interfere. Maybe she is afraid of getting pregnant or she just so unsure of herself she is afraid. It could be a number of things.

By her telling people she loves sex but not actually doing it often this just sings inexperience to me. Regardless, it sounds as if you approached the whole thing completely wrong. If she is uncomfortable or worried about something and the way you approached it of course she will be defensive and embarrassed. Look at how many times you said "I, I, I" in the conversation you wrote. This was all about you and not concern about what was going on with her or you two as a couple!!

That being said everything depends on how much you care for her. You never really said how you felt about her (do you love her.?..I mean cheating is obviously something you have been thinking about). If you care about her and this relationship you will sit down with her and very gently tell her you approached the topic all wrong. Tell her care about her (if u do and its not just a piece of ass) and that you worry that the lack of sex is something wrong. Be gentle, and caring and make act concerned about her feelings. Ask her is everything is ok with the relationship, do you do something to make her uncomfortable with it, can you do anything better. Is there anything she would like to talk about...etc...make her feel at ease. Don't criticize her for it. In order for things to work you must get to the bottom of what is going on. Its all about , caring way where it not about all you.

So in answer to your question, yes cheating because you aren't getting any would make you a real asshole. If you care about her you will get to the bottom of it, be patient and understanding. If it continues and she won't talk to you, before you cheat, break up with her. If she means something to you then don't cheat and work through it. Make sure you are gentle since she is defensive (which says she is unsure of herself and embarrassed).

Sooo, IF sex is more important and you aren't getting any, then you SHOULD break up with he (much better than cheating by the way). That would not make you a jerk, it just all depends on what is most important to you here, her and the relationship or not getting (or getting) any booty.

So, after 2 years together there have been 3 times in the last 5 months where she has been comfortable enough to have sex? How long should he spend being her friend-without-benefits before he starts worrying about his needs being met?

Withholding sex in a romantic relationship, where sex was an implied and expected part of the relationship deal, is just as bad as cheating. You're changing the dynamic of the arrangement and purposely denying your partner the chance for intimacy that they desire. If you don't like sex or want sex then you should make that clear in the beginning and you can't expect someone who does want sex to stay in a relationship with you

He can't read her mind, he tried opening a dialogue and obviously got no constructive feedback or he wouldn't be here. Her inability to communicate her needs, insecurities and/or concerns are her failings, not his. She is responsible for her own happiness and he for his. Telling him he has to wait it out or he's a bad guy is not fair. It's also unfair to ask that he sacrifice his own sexual/emotional/physical happiness in the hopes that maybe, some day, some way she might come around to his way of thinking. I can tell you from experience, that's pretty damn rare.

 

[phliper]

This is ridiculous!! For a lot of women (not all) many times attraction does have to with affection!

In this situation she sounds young, inexperienced and as if she has no confidence.

If I were not attracted to him and didn't want to be with him sexually I wouldn't even fool around with him. If she is really into fooling around up to the point of actually doing it she is more likely uncomfortable with something else. There maybe something about herself that is stopping her (what if he doesn't like the way my _______ looks/feels. What if I'm not doing _________right and it won't please him. Maybe there is something he does that makes her uncomfortable and she is embarrassed to tell him. For sex to be great with a guy, many women must have attraction, affection and feel comfortable with the environment etc.

This approach may work for you and the women you are with but this is not always the case!

What is almost always the case is that 22 (or 32 or 42) year old men in a relationship want a sexual relationship. Attraction, affection, comfort may be what she needs but we're not talking to her, we're talking to him. If after 2 years she hasn't realized all those things with him it's not likely to change.

 

[Pagey]

Ever think there may be a deeper issue to why she is not having sex?

This.

Bottem line - SHE DOESN'T FIND YOU SEXY!

That's really not necessarily true. On top of which, if she didn't find him attractive why would she get things started in the first place? She'd just avoid anything sexual altogether.
I think there's very probably a deeper issue here, and honestly it's more likely to have something to do with her than with you. Can you think of anything in particular that might have happened in her life or in your relationship in the past 5 months that could have affected this?
You said you asked her about it but didn't give details on what she answered...could you expand a bit more? Would be easier to help.

If the two of you can't have a proper, constructive discussion about this and you feel you've tried everything then yes, maybe you might want to consider breaking up. Maybe not. It's just up to you. Sex is an important part of any romantic relationship but you may also feel you love her enough to try and stick through this rough patch and work things out in the long run. Doesn't mean it's shallow of you if you're not up for that. It's really just for you to decide.

 

[missmeyet?]

/\/\ pretty much what I was trying to say (just worded better and more succinctly!)

 

[missmeyet?]

phliper....I agree this is an issue we are talking to him about, not her.

You are correct...somehow I was not thinking about the fact that it had been 2 years but consider this: we really don't know anything about her. Some people are still raised to believe that sex outside of marriage is wrong. If one were to have that type of background (among other things) she might be uncomfortable "going all the way". For some, this sense of guilt doesn't go away after doing a few times. Same goes with say, a history of sexual abuse. I'm not saying that is the case but there are probably reasons why she is feeling the way she is.

That being said, it really does depend on how much he cares for her and the relationship. Is he willing to work on it and get to the bottome of it if he loves her? If not, he should break up with her (NOT cheat). Breaking up with her when the relationship is not satisfactory for him does not make him an asshole.

My point was if he cares and the relationship is worth it to him then I think he approached her the wrong way to effectively get to the bottom of it. Relationships do require some work (from both parties) and if you just dump her because things are difficult then....well you get the picture.

At no point was I minimizing HIS issue which was no sex. I was just giving an opinion on how I thought it could be handled better on his end and suggesting some things that might give him a little more insight to what might be causing HIS problem!

So yes, if sex is more important than that effort (which there is nothing wrong with that if that is where he stands) then he needs to move on. If he wants to continue a relationship with this girl AND maybe start having more frequent sex with HER then he would need to address some of her needs!

I guess it comes down to how hard you are willing to work for it (and how much he cares for her and wants to keep her)!

 

[missmeyet?]

Phliper- by the way..maybe I misunderstand from the way you presented yourself (and if so I apologize in advance) but as a woman I didn't know I was ever obligated to have sex because I am in a relationship.

 

[phliper]

I think you're taking my "not sexy" comment in the wrong light but I'm standing by it. Their relationship is naturally stressed by circumstances beyond their control (parents, roommates, all the other crap that comes from being in that demographic). There is very little opportunity for the security she needs or the intimacy he needs. All these obstacles will eventually cause the romance to naturally fade.

They may be able to work it out, and if they try, power to them I hope I'm wrong. My experience tells me it's very, very rare for this to resolve positively for both partners. It usually ends in one or the other "settling" and neither being truly happy or breaking up after much gnashing of teeth.

Go with your gut brother, but be nice to her and to yourself.