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never felt more like giving up

F

flannery oh

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 31, 2015
Messages
24
If you would have told me just a year ago that I'd be in this position now, I'd laugh. I can't believe I have turned into this person. I hate myself.

I have a full time job. I have a loving family. I had a boyfriend that I adored. My SO was addicted to the pills also. Before I knew him, he was addicted to heroin but had been sober at the time we met. We dated for 2.5 years before he introduced the pills to me. We both knew it was getting bad so we tapered then took advantage of my step dad's beach house to detox. It was over Christmas break, so I was away from my family for the first time in 29 years. We did wonderfully until we hit some terrible weather on the drive home. In the course of 20 minutes, the person I thought was in this fight with me abandoned me mentally. I get that we both need to do what's right for us, but he's my best friend and I don't think I can do this alone. He left town immediately when we returned to go visit his dad and brother-to get "more clean time under his belt." He told me he still loved me and that he's here for me, but that's a lie. I have never felt so alone. I feel empty. I can't stop crying.

I have been clean for the past 12 days but everyday is a literal battle. I went from snorting at least 60 mg of oxy a day to nothing whatsoever. I try not to think about the pills, but they dance through my brain. Like a roach, the thoughts won't die. I know I am doing the best thing for myself, but what I have been through in the past few months make living miserable. I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I don't want to have this on my mind nonstop. I am so alone and I need to talk to someone. I have access to the pills, but I know it'd be idiotic to go back. I keep arguing with the voice in my head; calculating how much money I would have left until payday. This is a nightmare. None of my other friends understand. I try to talk with them.

I am trying to give A his space while he visits his family, but him being gone makes me want them even more.

I feel like a monster.
 
I know a little about what you're going through. Not with oxy, which I've only done once in my life, but I am an IV heroin user, and that's usually the last stop on this train ride...

All I have to say is that it gets better the more distance you put between the time you last used and the present. The cravings lessen tremendously. Also, although it may be painful, sometimes it's best to put space between you and someone with whom you've been involved with extensively drug-wise. When drugs crawl into interpersonal relationships it can be really hard to quit, because not only are you dealing with your own personal battle to not use, but you have this other person who's also influencing your behavior and sometimes that can result in destructive shit.

Not to mitigate your achievements in any way, but 12 days sober is not a particularly long period of time...put a little more distance between you and your use. I promise that the desire to use & depression & all the other bullshit that opiate abuse leads you to is not always at a state of critical mass. It definitely can be the first couple weeks after you use, though.
 
Burnt offerings,

Thanks for providing a logical and I suppose somewhat hopeful response. I know 12 days is nothing but it feels like 12 days too long for me. I am sure it will get easier, but I'm not sure I will make it to find out. I don't feel anything besides hopelessness. I would say I don't care, but that's not true. I care only to the extent of "not caring".. I'm not even making sense. In my research it says that exercise is important but I don't feel like moving. I am coping by taking extreme amounts of benedryl, smoking endless weed, and drinking only water. I have no appetite. I can't imagine having to go back to work on Monday. A is supposed to be home this weekend, but who knows what will happen with that.

What do/did you do to keep your mind from torturing you? I repeat: I will not mess around with aerobics or any of that.. I can't imagine moving all that much. I had to walk 7 miles home from a rental car spot yesterday and I sobbed the entire way home in the rain.

This may all sound trivial, but I am truly desperate.
 
You are so not a monster, the pills are the monster!

You sound like you are doing an amazing job =D

It sucks that your bf is being difficult, but you may find that it is a blessing that he did what he did because it is much harder for two people to get better together than individuals.

You need to focus on yourself, and I know that can sound harsh or hard, but you need to have love for yourself first and foremost and realize how bad those pills screwed your life up so you can get past them and begin to live and love your life again.

I would keep my mind occupied with the internet (bl), magazines and plenty of movies.
 
Strangely that long miserable walk in the rain may be something that you look back on years from now as some kind of turning point in your life. While you and your boyfriend may be "in this fight together" on one level, the truth is that each of you is ultimately in it alone when it comes right down to it. Support is essential and you can certainly give that to each other in the form of love and respect, empathy and honesty. But the strength that you will need o truly end the cycle is yours alone and that walk home showed you that when no one else was there, you were. Build your strength and encourage your boyfriend to build his. You are both fighting for your lives.

P.S. Glad you joined!<3
 
It's always hard to quit with a significant other, I was in a similar situation and when I quit the chick I was with went down to AZ to quit but as soon as she got back to Seattle we started talking about Oxys next thing you know 80s are on the way. I had a huge habit like 5-6 80s a day smoked off foil, eventually we had to go our separate ways she moved to hawaii and I joined the Army, I actually saw her a few days back since I was in Hawaii for vacation. Just staying occupied helps a lot, I used subs to quit did a 10 day taper or something (got clean in 09) but I remember lifting weights made a big difference, so did listening to music.
 
Last night was extremely dark for me. I never thought I'd join a message board, but reading other peoples' stories and sharing some of my own has been the biggest help thus far. I get that A and I need to rebuild ourselves independently, but we have dated for over three years and only about one of those years has been drug fueled. The other two were amazing and I have never stopped loving him, even over this past insane year.

He never held a gun to my head and forced me to do anything, but I certainly never ever knew how to crush and much less snort anything until he suggested I try. I remember asking him to leave the room when I would because I was ashamed.

I am most upset about losing something that I felt was truly special. I am positive he doesn't hate me. I understand he is focusing on him and that's great. I love him enough to hope he does get better. I just feel discarded and low. He comes home this weekend, so hopefully this loneliness will subside a bit.

Do you guys suggest that we should go our separate ways? We live together. I got him his job 3 years ago once he came off heroin. In the beginning he claimed I saved his life. It hurts more than anything knowing that I might be the one who destroyed it again.

Trying to remain strong. Thank you all for taking the time to talk.
 
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I don't know if you should go your separate ways since you guys started off sober, but maybe for him being around is a trigger and he just needs some time. For a lot of people they have to just get away for a while, but for others they can handle triggers, it gets better with time ,the best time of my life was after I got clean, being stationed in Germany.
 
I have decided that it's probably for the best if I just try to move on. I am positive that these upcoming weeks are going to be the most painful of my entire life, but I guess this is what change and growing is all about. I am in the process of packing and writing my final love letter on this final day of the year. I didn't think there were any more tears left in me, but they keep coming steadily.

If it was/is meant to be, I am sure it will find its way to be.
 
Congratulations on your journey. Thanks for taking the time to share your wisdom. It means more to me than you could ever imagine.
 
Sorry to hear you're dealing with all of this. Sometimes you need to take a step back and just deal with yourself. PM me if you want to talk, I'm a female of similar age.
 
Thanks 1fast.

I just packed most of my little stuff that was covering the house. This place doesn't feel like a home anymore. I am scared I won't be strong enough to love myself throughout all of this, but I am proud for rising above. The mistakes and regret will forever linger and I'm sure time will help ease it, but I'm not looking forward to these next few weeks.

After all is said and done, my hope is that A remembers the good and only uses the bad to shape who he will eventually become. I am not completely broken but I am close to it.
 
U are not alone in this fight..don't be ashamed of anything in your life and u are not a monster

u have a greater chance in recovery alone..that's codependency talkin when u say u can't do it without A

I see your location..are u from Nashville? Cause your the only ten-I-see haha I'm sorry for that :|:D

Good luck and BE STRONG..I'm battling the same enemy and it's a daily freakin battle as u know
 
I am from memphis!

I have never felt better physically, but now on top of battling overcoming the addiction I am battling coping with losing someone I thought loved me. I am trying my best to let life take its course and to love myself, but being literally tossed aside after three years is the worst.

I just wish A didn't group me with the drug, but I understand that he needs time.

Life is too much sometimes. I don't understand how there are still tears left in my body. Everything else surely feels empty.
 
you know the old saying: this too shall pass.
Just take it one day at a time.
You need to work on yourself and let time heal everything else.
 
flannery oh said:
I am scared I won't be strong enough to love myself throughout all of this, but I am proud for rising above.
Click to expand...

You have the wisdom inside to know that "loving yourself through this" is exactly what it is going to involve. You can do it, flannery!<3
 
I never thought I could appreciate an online forum, but thank you to everyone who has reached out. Either to share your own story or to offer me words of encouragement. I will hold each one in my heart and look back to this often to remind me that, even though I feel that I've hit an all time low, life goes on.

I am officially 16 days clean!!! I wanted to get one today more than ever. I went back to work and am spending my first night in three years alone. I am hoping I can fall asleep and wake up with a renewed spirit.

Bless each of you. You'll never know how much your words have helped.
 
been there, done that. more than once...a million times over again.

hey grrl u can message me anytime.

im currently 90 days clean from iv heroin and meth. getting clean yet again....fuck. how many times am i gonna get clean, relapse, get clean, relapse, etc. it gets old. its fuckin hard but its possible!!! and it gets better. i know how youre feeling. god do i know. hey trust me, it wont feel like this forever. it wont.

plz message me! we are here for you and so many of us know EXACTLY what youre going thru!!! <3
 
Would love to have an actual recovering addict to chill with. My friends are cool, but they have no idea what this shit entails. I'd say I'm glad it's the weekend, but that'd be a lie. Thinking about my long lost enemy a lot right now. I could easily have her back but I'm trying to find ways to stay strong. What do you fight to stay clean for?
 
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