I really really feel for you and you could be the old me. I couldn't taper for shit and I damn sure didn't want anyone holding them for me because I wanted them in my possession. I'd get a new bottle and have all these plans to take them the right way and 10 days later they were gone. Every damn time. Month after month. Finally realized that giving them up for good was the only way. Just couldn't control myself no matter how many times i tried. Put narcotic pain pills in front of me and i will eat them until they are gone. All day, every day.
Do not beat yourself up because you lost control. Many of us do. Many are so compulsive that they have been doing this for years. Get a 30 day script, eat them all in 10 days and either suffer for 20 more days until we can refill or go to the streets and pay through the ass for someone else's script.......or worse go to the harder stuff.
Do not give up. Pain pills can be a short physical WD but the mind fuck afterwards is where we fail. You gotta put on some thick skin and when you are missing your pills you simply have to divert your thoughts. Go outside, take a hot shower, take a walk, visit a family member...........anything to keep your mind off the pills. Every day that passes it gets better and better. I had to go to kratom because having nothing was just too hard. And I didn't want to go back to the pills. So far, so good and it's been over 2 years.
Hang in there. It's the hardest thing you will ever do but I promise you it's worth it. No more Dr. appts. No more peeing in a cup. No more running out early month after month. No more pulling your hair out because you can't find pills. No more lying to your family. No more lots of stuff.
You can do this but it ain't gonna be easy !! xxoo