In other news, 18 days free of opiates down the toilet. I was also pretty drunk and blew way more than I should have, might possibly puke. Oh well, fuck it. Still feelsgutmayne (even though in reality I feel like a fucking noron). Nooooddd nod nods.
So the closest thing I've had to a girlfriend in a little more than 3 years just dropped a bomb on me tonight.
There's his Argentinian girl I've been seeing on and off for about 15 months. Dropped out of contact for a few weeks here and there, but nonetheless I actually liked this woman a fair amount. Also strange for me, especially how I'm not super-fond of hispanics. She was really sweet and looked pretty damn good, and really liked me for some reason (and was amazing in bed too). I hadn't been seeing or talking to this bitch much for like the last two months, actually haven't even spoken a word to her from the time I was in Colorado last month until last weekend because her phone was dead. Apparently over that time she got kicked out of where she was living and lost both of her jobs the day after the phone quit. She finally gets a phone back and calls me up (which is cool, I wasn't sure if she even knew my number without having it programmed into her phone). I was surprised to hear she remarkably got her license back, bought a car (actually the same exact one that she had that was sold by who she was sort of leasing it from) got a job, and an apartment. I knew something was up, assumed she found a boyfriend or something. Not my place to care though because we weren't dating (I'm not into the whole official relationship thing since I was destroyed by my last gf, so no big deal). Especially now she wanted to see me again so it couldn't have been a super big deal.
So we went out tonight for the first time in a while. It was great to see her. I was more comfortable in my own skin than I usually am. She looked better than she usually does. I was happier than I usually am (I've been sort of depressed and miserable lately, but tonight I felt great). Man I feel like a bitch, but I was really looking forward to starting this relationship back up. Start spending more time together and even try to make this one a girlfriend, it's been long enough I'm finally ready to go there again. So about an hour into hanging out with her, (we're at a bar in a fairly remote part of the back patio/ basically a big beach themed outside section of the bar more than a patio) We were talking about life and how good it is to see eachother and she was sitting in my arms she oh so casually mentions that she got married three weeks ago to some 45 year old dude that she's known for about 4 months and lives with him in some one room apartment now. Just for a place to stay and to straighten out her paperwork on a whim. WTF? I thought she was kidding at first but then I realized she was serious. I had to play it off cool like it didn't bother me, remember I'm the one who pushed her away last summer because I didn't want her to get too close and I chose I'd rather get fucked up than spend my time around an awesome chick like her back then.
I guess that's what I get for giving a shit.
Who cares. Heh, yep that's my life. I fuck everything up, and if I don't someone else comes along and fucks my shit up anyway. What a turd. I'm so done trying man I'm just turning off all emotions, back to sensory overload mode. I swear to god I died 5 years ago and I'm just too stupid to realize I'm in purgatory already. Everything I touch is crap and everything I attempt to do blows up in my face. Everyone I know goes away in the end,
Man I know I'm gonna delete this shit tomorrow. Whine some more why don't you reckless, you dick.
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