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my wits end...

Has he ever said what he wants to do with his life? You mention his guitar? Does he play anywhere? Has he ever tried giving lessons? Does he have an addiction? How old is he? Sounds like something broke his spirits years ago.
 
tomdpimp said:
Has he ever said what he wants to do with his life? You mention his guitar? Does he play anywhere? Has he ever tried giving lessons? Does he have an addiction? How old is he? Sounds like something broke his spirits years ago.
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He wants to own land and be a farmer in northern california. I try to explain to him that to do something like that it takes work...that one has to start somewhere to save money to buy land and everything one would need for start up. That no one is just going to give him ____ amount of money to go after his dreams but he's got to go after them himself. He would like to work outside somehow (national parks, construction, natural cobb housing, farm work, anything outside) but he's unwilling to go to school for anything. He's 31 years old without any education. I have offered to tutor him through the GED course, to help him apply to a CC or JC, to help him with his financial aid documents, to help him with his classes ( I LOVE school and wish I could be a career student lol). Going to school would bring in money. I did it. I went from living homeless on the streets to entering a GED prep course, then going to a JC, then transferring to a major University and graduating with honors.

No he doesn't play anywhere. I have tried to encourage him to go to open mics, or to play with his friends, or to just DO SOMETHING but he tells me playing his guitar is like his therapy. It's for him. Ugh.

Addiciton? He's struggled with drugs all his life. When he was 10 his mom came home and told him that she was probably going to die of breast cancer and it really messed with his head. (she ended up beating the battle) He was medicated at a young age for adhd, until his aunt introduced him to pot when her was 11 or 12. Shortly after (maybe 14-15) he started using psychedelics (LARGE amounts) after that he started mainlineing (sp?) herion and cocain for near death experiences. He had been in and out of rehabs a few times in his teenage years and early adulthood. He tried to commit suicide at least once. He had an extreme pharm addiction for a few years before we became romantically involved (oxy's then methadone). When we became romantically involved he decided to quit his addiction cold turkey, which was hard. On both of us. SOmeone on 100mg of methadone daily just stopping was hell on earth. I had NO idea what I was in for as I had never used an opiate in my life at this point (well once when i was perscribed but it made me very sick so they just sat in my med cabinet). That was almost six years ago. From what I understand it can take YEARS for PAWS to fully fade.

I know what you all must be thinking. WHY THE FUCK DID I EVER GET INVOLVED WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?

I don't know. Daddy issues? Deep down I have my issues too. Why are broken people pulled to other broken people? I think the best thing would be a GOOD therapist for both of us seperately and one for us jointly. Unfortunately they are hard to find and really expensive. I feel like if I just leave him or kick him to the curb I'd be giving up on him, on us, on our family. I don't think he's inherently bad (although I guess I could be wrong) I just think he's got some major problems that need dealt with. As I do as well. I suppose if I didn't have such low self-esteem or self-worth then it would be easy to just leave and move on.

I see the parasitic nature of his actions. It bugs me. It spirals me into depression. Maybe I am just being fooled though. But life is not black and white. It's numerous shades of gray. If it was black and white it would be easy to take the advice here and cut ties and not let him hurt me anymore. It's just, if his spirits are broken, how do I breathe life back into him?

Does any of this make sense or do I really just sound as pathetic as I think I do?
 
I think you're just as dependent on him as he is on you... co-dependence is never healthy in a relationship.
 
Alright alright alright. I don't really know what I expected to hear from y'all. Other than what was posted. I do thank you all for your concern and strong words of wisdom. I am looking into therapy for myself at the moment which I hope will help. Especially if boyman doesn't step up; as everyone here (my inner self included) knows the best thing would be for me to not stay with him. And if that is where this comes to I'll need help and support from someone in the flesh, even if it's just moral support and assurance that I am taking steps in the right direction. As time goes on I'll try and keep those who were concerned updated. It's going to be a long hard road, but I do know in the end I'll do the best for myself and my children. Ug growing up is hard work! Thank you all again for letting me get all this off my chest and confirming what I suspected. Really I truly appreciate it <3
 
dont be too hard on yourself aporia. you have established that this is a problem for both you and your children and are taking positive steps to better the situation. these sorts of things (especially where there are children involved) dont fix themselves overnight and leaving sometimes, takes time to be truly ready to take that leap of faith. be patient with yourself, and dont be a stranger to the thread anytime you need to vent/or are seeking support.

good luck <3

...kytnism...:|
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
I only read the first part, leave him until he gets a job. Once he has a job, he can come back into the house. :) Do you have any family members that can assist you? I know you want him in the kids life but two parents constantly fighting and daddys a bum--it'll eventually negatively impact your children.
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This!

Don't let your emotions get in the way of what you NEED to do.
What your head says is right, what your heart says only feels good. Usually what's best doesn't exactly feel good.

So much easier to say than do..
 
He got a jobby job! Oh joy! It's not much but it's full time work at a pawn shop! And I started therapy today so here's hoping for things to start looking up!
 
This is good news to hear. Like P-D said make sure he keeps this job and doesn't slip up. I'm not trying to be negative either, thank God you can now relax a bit hopefully and not have to ride your bike to work so much. Goals need to be set, of course you know this. Like buying a car would be my first priority, even a junker is better than none. When you have little kids, you never know when they have to go to the doctors and whatnot.

I'm glad your boyfriend is starting work. Honestly, it was looking a bit hopeless from an outsider's point of view. I just couldn't picture communal living or getting land in California to farm. How far along are you now? And are you still having the joint pain bad?
 
Aporia said:
He got a jobby job! Oh joy! It's not much but it's full time work at a pawn shop! And I started therapy today so here's hoping for things to start looking up!
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thats fantastic news for you both. congratulations and well wishes for a happier future ahead. <3

Pretty_Diamonds said:
^ Anybody can get a job. It's the people who can keep their jobs.
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"the first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself" - mark caine
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...kytnism...:|
 
I too am so relieved for you girl. I have kept silent through this as I know exactly what you are going through and the answer would eventually have to come from you yourself. I think that your very best advice came from joeof1. We will all be holding our breath for your situation I'm sure. Keep us updated. I honestly felt pain for you as you have been posting so I hope this is the beginning of better times. Always here for you if you need to PM.
 
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When I got out of jail and was on heroin I didn't get a job for many years because if your on drugs like a drug addict you count as disabled and get a pension and I was living off that and even when I tried to get a job I couldn't it just didn't work for me but then I found a job network place that went and got a job for me and it was great all I do nowadays is turn up an do my job and go home and they the network place got the job for me and talk to the boss for me and everything else its really good idea and I can just focus on working.

Maybe your bf can claim disability pension its fairly easy to get onto and you get 560 a fortnight or perhaps he can get onto a job network agency and they get him a job so he doesn't have to worry and stress of applying for fifty jobs and always being knocked back.

Hey maybe your bf can be a house husband and he's got to do everything at home like a house wife would.
 
T. Calderone: I've been working considerably less, about one or two shifts a week and a co worker has been amazing and has helped out with rides home after my shift so my joint pain is doing much better. My wrist still acts up and I've been told that pregnancy can cause carpal tunnel to worsen so I'm looking at getting on unemployment until after the baby is born and I'm ready to go back to work. If all works out the plan is to have me be the stay at home parent and my partner be the working man. He is really excited to finally have a job and his first goal is to get a car after a few months of steady work. We want to be sure that we are not over extending ourselves with bills. I am about 13 weeks so still pretty early but since it's my second child I'm starting to show a bit already. You can't tell if you didn't know me but those who do know me can definitely tell I'm pregnant.

Thanks Kytnsim, I really like that last quote. It's encouraging.

P-D: If he doesn't keep at the job then I'm hoping my being in therapy will at least help me to be stong and focus on what I need to do for my family. If that means seperating from him again than so be it, but right now I am putting my hope in our future together as a family.

missmeyet?: Thank you. It has been a long hard road and often I have felt stupid or helpless in the situtation at hand. Things are starting to look up and I truly hope they continue to do so. My daughter is spending a few weeks with her Nana out of state for a summer day camp so I'm hoping that my partner can adjust to working a bit before she comes back and we'll all just naturally fall into sync with everything.

Comrade Kane: He's thought about disability before but we're so young that he didn't want to take that road just yet. And we've tried him being the stay at home dad and it just doesn't work. I think the best thing is for us both to work a bit and contribute to the family bills until he finds something that will let him grow and aquire the skills he needs for him to do something that is going to not only pay the bills but also make him feel like he's doing something useful with his time. If that makes sense.

Again thank you everyone for all your support through this. It's really easy to give up and move on and sometimes that IS the best thing to do in situtuations like mine. However, I am a firm believer that (although we're not legally married, we have made a commitment to be together) "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickeness or health" means that love can take us to all sorts of places we don't want to be but working together and exhausting all possibilites is better than just giving up. Thank you <3 I will keep this updates as things go along. Maybe even post a belly bump pic one day ;)
 
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