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my wits end...

A

Aporia

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2011
Messages
163
I'm not sure if this belongs here or TDS but since it's dealing with my relationship I figured I'd post here and let it be moved if needed.

I am so frustrated with my partner of seven years right now. We have a five year old little girl together and about two months ago I found out I was pregnant (total shock and surprise). He hasn't worked in FIVE years and I've been struggling to keep our family afloat and in a house ever since. Last year I was so frustrated with him that we split. I lived in one state and he lived in a neigboring state. I did just fine taking care of myself and my daughter without welfare of any kind but toward the end of the year I just couldn't handle the guilt of seperating my daughter and her papa (I grew up without a dad and with an alcoholic mom) so we talked and he promised if I moved to his state that he would have a job and cover half the bills and help with the basics of life. Fast forward six months later and NOTHING has changed. I'm still trying to take care of all the bills and whatnot but even with food stamps we still fall short every month with food and the last two months we've been late on rent and bills. He doesn't even do yard work around the house, or laundry, or cook meals. He'll occasionally straigten up the living room or bedroom but won't actually clean anything unless I fight with him and he feels bad so he'll do it to try and "show me he helps". But it is NOT helping when it's only done once in a while and everything else is left up to me to do. Dishes will just pile up in the kitchen unless I"m in there every morning doing them. Laundry will just pile up in the LR or will get half assed done.

Whenever I try to bring up to him that all this is causing me to slip into a great depression he turns it around on me and tells me that I am the only person that can make me happy that he can't make me happy. It's not his job to make me happy. But I am not asking him to alter my moods for me I'm asking him to step up and help his family out. My hours at work have been severly cut (long story there) and I'm out looking for a second job that I'll end up having to leave in 5 months to give birth. Not only that but because my hours at work have been cut so badly any paid maternity leave that I was entitled to has been ruined (i'm a server)

I can't be happy that i'm pregnant because I feel like I can't even take care of the family I have now. My mom hasn't talked with me since I told her I was pregnant (mothers day). Any close friends I use to have I can't really talk to because they are tired of hearing the same thing. And all they have to say is why dosesn't he get a job? So I keep my depression to myself. At times I seceretly hope I miscarry (how fucked up is that?!) and it just sends me into such a deep spiral of depression and guilt. Termination comes to mind at least once a week if not more, along with just checking out but I know it's not an option. I just feel so down and out. I feel so alone. I feel as if I made the worst decision by giving up everything that I worked for last year only to move here on his word that was obviously bullshit.

I don't know what is wrong with him. I don't know if he's just got so many mental issues that it stops him from working or if all the psyches he did has causes such depersonalization or derealization that he can't connect with the "real world" or see that I really need his help. His reply was that we just move to a commune once the baby was old enough to (six months to a year old) but I'm tired of moving and I don't think a commune is going to solve all out problems.

I'm at my wits ends. There are some days that I don't even get out of bed and just cry for hours, which makes me even more depressed and guilty because my little girl doesn't understand why mama isn't getting up yet.


I love the guy, he's got a good heart and he loves his daughter with all his heart. He's not mean or malicious or out-right hurtful but lazy and detached from the real world. When I tell him that we're drowning with finances he tells me that money isn't everything and that love is more important. But LOVE doesn't PAY the BILLS or put FOOD on the table. Ugh. I get his ideals..kind of. I don't like the way the world is either but as some point I have to sacrifice something for the child(ren) we have. Does he really think want to be waiting tables in some shitty chain restaurant isntead of pursuing my dream (Ph.d in Philosophy)?

Am I in the wrong here? I just don't know what to do anymore. I get fed up at least once a month with all this and try to kick him out. I'll come home from work and they'll be a note on my door saying that he's sorry and that he's lined up multiple lines of possible work and I'll believe him and let him back in hoping that this time things will be different. If he was an asshole to boot it would be easy to kick him to the curb. But he's not an asshole.

Thanks for listening to me. I really had to get this out. I don't expect too many answers but just getting it out in the world, out of my head is a start for me. I feel trapped :(
 
is family and relationship counseling an option, granted your current financial situation?

im not sure how you would feel about this, but i am aware that some religious organizations (mostly christian based) offer free family/marriage counseling services without pushing religious beliefs on your family.

inviting a third party to mediate and discuss where things are unbalanced and how they can be corrected could be a positive move. sometimes we all get so wrapped up in our own comfortability that seeing the situation for what it really is (even if your loved one is telling you so) is impossible. inviting a third party that is unbiased into the discussion offers perspective and encourages accountability.

...kytnism...:|
 
I only read the first part, leave him until he gets a job. Once he has a job, he can come back into the house. :) Do you have any family members that can assist you? I know you want him in the kids life but two parents constantly fighting and daddys a bum--it'll eventually negatively impact your children.
 
kytnism: I would love to be able to do couples counseling but unfortunately I don't see it as an option. We don't have a car so transportation would be hard to and from, getting him to do anything within a christian setting (whether or not they claim to be secular in their approach) is not going to fly, and I don't have anyone to watch the little one while we went to our sessions. We had tried couples counseling when our daughter was about a year and a half old but he wouldn't open up and talk about anything so it ended up being a waste of my money. I have been trying to find a good therapist under the state run medical that I have for me at least so I had someone to talk to. Thinking maybe if I had someone to vent to I could re asess my emotions and my situation and find better ways to handle my stress and my partner or maybe i"m just blowing things outta proportion but I haven't had too much luck just yet.

Pretty Diamonds: I can't just leave him till he gets a job. It's so complicated. As much as I'd like to think that that's the answer it's not. I've tried. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to fully go through with it. Plus I need him to watch the kiddo while I work. Ugh... and I don't have any family to help out. My dad left my life around 3rd grade and still blames ME for him not haivng anything to do with me and my mom won't talk with me. She hates my partner with a passion and really wasn't all that good of a mom to begin with. (i've been on my own since I was about 16 and I'm now 29)

Thanks for the suggestions
 
Aporia said:
I love the guy, he's got a good heart and he loves his daughter with all his heart. He's not mean or malicious or out-right hurtful but lazy and detached from the real world. When I tell him that we're drowning with finances he tells me that money isn't everything and that love is more important. But LOVE doesn't PAY the BILLS or put FOOD on the table. Ugh. I get his ideals..kind of. I don't like the way the world is either but as some point I have to sacrifice something for the child(ren) we have. Does he really think want to be waiting tables in some shitty chain restaurant isntead of pursuing my dream (Ph.d in Philosophy)?

Am I in the wrong here? I just don't know what to do anymore. I get fed up at least once a month with all this and try to kick him out. I'll come home from work and they'll be a note on my door saying that he's sorry and that he's lined up multiple lines of possible work and I'll believe him and let him back in hoping that this time things will be different. If he was an asshole to boot it would be easy to kick him to the curb. But he's not an asshole.

Thanks for listening to me. I really had to get this out. I don't expect too many answers but just getting it out in the world, out of my head is a start for me. I feel trapped :(
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I do not know either of you in any way shape or form, but that bolded part I am going to have to disagree with.

From what you said he doesn't love anyone or anything, not even himself and that is his problem. He has no motivation because he lacks confidence and drive. Confidence and drive come from believing in one's self and having the capacity to love one's self and others around you.

From my personal experiences with people of this nature, and I have known a lot of them, your best bet would be to leave. Cut him out of your life and keep moving on your own track in life. Your children will adapt better than you will, trust me on this. Having him as a role model figure just because he was essentially what I would call the sperm donor, is a great disservice to your children. He will not be able to give them the confidence and drive to make it in a world that is not going to get any easier to live in any time soon.

Kick his ass to the curb, and do not let him back in until he proves himself by actually having work and taking care of himself in the least, as what you have said he can't even do that properly. I don't mean just having a job, but actually behaving like a civilized human being, with gainful employment and actually accomplishing something with his time rather than just work to feed himself. When you are a parent you can't just settle with feeding yourself, because you have little midgets that have to be fed and clothed and continuously nurtured.


I grew up in an extremely broken home. I was 23 before I met my real father, and my mother died when I was very young. I had a good role model in my grandfather that got me going though, and he is the only reason I made it as far as I have. I had similar goals as you, to obtain my Ph.D. in economics, and I am very close to it now. After I met my real father, I knew for a fact that I would never gotten as far as I have without a positive role model. The guy you just described there is my father to a T. It's been 32 years since my mother left him and he hasn't changed or improved in the least.

I'm not going to lie to you, it's not going to be easy. In fact making it and being successful is going to be the hardest thing you ever do in your life, but success comes from the journey, not the accomplishments. Nothing worth doing in life is ever easy or simple. I think you took a first step in finding your path through the mess by reaching out here, and I think you know what you have to do already, but you are unsure. You are likely on the cusp of taking control of your life and pushing out the bad elements and rebuilding your confidence which seems ready to burst out and show itself.

You don't know me in any way shape or form, but I can assure you, your instincts are always right. Yours are telling you what you need to do, trust them and do what needs to be done.


PS: Just to throw something else in there, he is an asshole. Not because he's physically or verbally confrontational, but because he's a passive aggressive asshole. He's abusing the history of the relationship with you and using you in the process for his own gratification. This is how he feels better about himself. That to me is the worst kind of asshole, because he con's people into thinking he's a good person, but in reality he's a snake in disguise. He's able to do this to you because of your weak relationship you had with your father, so your ability to judge a boy from a man is slightly impaired.
 
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Why should you be looking for a second job? This man hasn't worked in five years, able bodied but lazy if he won't even help you with tidying up the house. He could get a job at McDonalds or wherever just to make ends meet. No, you can't live on love! But your boyfriend needs to join the "real world" and realize that he must contribute to your family unit - that means bringing home some money. Even a shit job is better than no job.

I'm not trying to be mean, but damn you're struggling with chronic pain and having to work less hours. Plus taking care of your daughter. While he does what? I guess you could try for public assistance, as it's meant for single mothers like yourself. Especially now that you have another baby on the way. If you were married to this guy, you probably wouldn't qualify so this might be a good thing. Plus you can get assistance to go to college or university. You can still reach your goals. It might take you a little while to get there, with a new baby but it can be done.

Even if you joined a commune, everyone is expected to contribute, work and share with the whole community. Realistically what can he offer besides his hopes and dreams? Your boyfriend might be a great guy and hasn't found his niche yet. But he's not doing you any favors leading you down the garden path while having a family he can't support, and not even trying to better himself. This attitude has loser written all over it.

By him saying he can't make you happy, only you can do this yourself. Well, maybe you need to do just that and leave him in the dust. I have never been a materialistic person but you can't let him keep doing this to you. It's not just you either, it's your daughter and baby-to-be as well. When your utilities are shut off and you're getting evicted, how will he explain this to the children?

It bothers me most that you are having these depressive thoughts: possibly losing the baby and crying so much. This is supposed to be the happiest time in a woman's life, and this is just the opposite. Can you get with social services and check into free counseling? It should be available if you're on Medicaid but you need to talk with someone and I am pretty sure it's possible given your situation. They can help you with getting financial assistance, job training, and getting back into the workforce once the baby comes.

I don't see how your partner can let you and your daughter down like this. This man should be taking on two jobs to earn money for his family instead of letting you carry the load. He knows you're in pain and limited physically right now and has no problem with you riding your bike as transportation to work eight miles. If I were in your shoes, I'd go back to my home state and get a new start. This way he can't leave pathetic notes on the door asking to come back. Why should you keep supporting his lazy ass?
 
Aporia said:
kytnism: I would love to be able to do couples counseling but unfortunately I don't see it as an option. We don't have a car so transportation would be hard to and from, getting him to do anything within a christian setting (whether or not they claim to be secular in their approach) is not going to fly, and I don't have anyone to watch the little one while we went to our sessions. We had tried couples counseling when our daughter was about a year and a half old but he wouldn't open up and talk about anything so it ended up being a waste of my money. I have been trying to find a good therapist under the state run medical that I have for me at least so I had someone to talk to. Thinking maybe if I had someone to vent to I could re asess my emotions and my situation and find better ways to handle my stress and my partner or maybe i"m just blowing things outta proportion but I haven't had too much luck just yet.

Pretty Diamonds: I can't just leave him till he gets a job. It's so complicated. As much as I'd like to think that that's the answer it's not. I've tried. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to fully go through with it. Plus I need him to watch the kiddo while I work. Ugh... and I don't have any family to help out. My dad left my life around 3rd grade and still blames ME for him not haivng anything to do with me and my mom won't talk with me. She hates my partner with a passion and really wasn't all that good of a mom to begin with. (i've been on my own since I was about 16 and I'm now 29)

Thanks for the suggestions
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Tell him that you just can't do it anymore unless he brings in some dough because you are AT YOUR WITS END. You need him to watch the kids? Okay, he gets a part-time night (graveyard shifts) job. Since he's so lazy, you'll have to probably have to help him get his lazy ass on craigslist.
 
This sounds like the shitty situation I grew up in. If he's anything like my dead beat father, he won't change. You'll end up eventually leaving with your two kids and you'll be worse for wear struggling to put food on the table as a single mother. Maybe you won't get enough time with your kids and they stray and hate both of you when they come of age. But hey, maybe I'm just projecting.

This guy doesn't love you or his kids. If he did, he would do everything in his power(even crime) to make sure you guys had at least the bare minimum. He's just latching on to you as he floats on through his shitty life.

As soon as you get the chance to, let him go and focus on the well being of your children.
 
What you need to do, if you want to fix this, and stay with this man, show him this thread. It may hurt his feelings and be blunt, but it will resolve it if he has any cogniscience. Heck, maybe take a psychedelic together, explain this to him, then show him this thread.

edit scratch the psychedelic, just saw you were pregnant, replyed too soon.


Listen, this guy sounds special to you, and I doubt you want to hurt him, your going to have to sit down and talk with him and have a serious discussion. Maybe take a vacation just you two... maybe a camping trip... something to suit him. Talk to him about it and get him to understand. Tell him yes, society is evil, we shouldn't have to be slaved, but now we have a child and we have to support her and I can't take the whole load. You need to talk in his language.

If a commune is what you guys want to do, you'll need to discuss it and start making plans and visiting some. Its a lovely route and may be more suited to him and possibly you depending on how you think. If in his head this is still the solution, you need to give him the option and discuss it with him and see if its something you both want to do, and come to a conclusion about what your path's are going to be.

Explain to him this cold hard fact: that if he DOESN'T start taking steps and getting in a commune, or taking steps to establish a career, whatever path may be best for him, that he will end up working a deadend job at walmart of mcdonalds when he is older rather than living happily in a commune or a comfy job. Let him know he can't feed off of you forever.

I still wish a psychedelic could be used, you said he used psychs, the clarity and empathy of it would allow him to look at your situation and understand your emotion better than normal and help him accept cold hard facts that he can't just ignore because they are scary.

He may have also forgotton that while wage slavery sucks, its not the WORST. I am a spunion too, completely fucking nuts from my overuse of psychedelics - I am stuck in a permanent trip. I travelled around for a while, from festival to festival just barely getting by, it was fun, and I HATE wage slavery and working for a corporation but I have to due to probation and its really not THAT bad. I work 9-5 and make good money doing computer work, I was a highschool drop out no college, its not hard... it sucks but its not that bad.. show him this message... I forgot for a bit and REFUSED to get a job and leeched off other ppl till the universe forced me to work and its not bad. My ultimate goal is a commune as well, but i am being realistic and (attempting to) saving up money to buy a plot of land to accomplish this.

Let him know that for most people, while money sucks and should have never been invented, until we personally escape its grasps, getting money is like transmuting our negative energy into positive energy. using up our time going thru BS of all sorts and kind (negative energy) and getting money that we can use to buy all sorts of things like land -> commune, food, comforts, drugs (positive energy). and that he is using your work to live in his positive energy for free and its not fair.

You could also get him to go get a diagnosis for schizophrenia (like my buddy did) if hes used enough psychs he could probably pass and get paid disability money from the government, if he really wants to be lazy.


show him my post and this whole thread!! let him see for himself

also don't listen to these idiots saying he does not love you or the child, he just does not understand as the psychedelics have made him a child, which is beauitiful be he needs to force himself to accept somethings he is scared of and grow a bit..
 
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Last night while our kiddo was at a friends house for dinner I sat him down and talked with him AGAIN. I have these talkes at least once a month with him. I told him that not only am I worried about our financial situation but about the type of role model he is choosing to be. Unfortunately the world is not a happy warm fuzzy place and when our kids grow up I want them to be able to take care of themselves/help themselves when needed. I told him that I was also concerned that he hasn't helped himself in the past five years. He told me that he doesn't feel like a shitty person because he has to rely on others for help. That his sense of self wasn't rapped up in whether or not he could take care of himself. I replied that while we all may need a little help now and then FIVE years of relying on others is just too much. I told him that he's putting me and his mother (as she helps out with bills occasionally and clothes for our kiddo and whatnot) through ungodly amounts of worry and stress on the people that he is relyinig on for help. Maybe if he did feel bad about it it would motivate him to change his actions. He told me that if the tables were flipped I wouldn't feel the same way as I do know, which made me quite angry because we were both in the situtaion five years ago when he gave up his job so we could move across state, when it didn't work out we moved back to our old place within two weeks and I went out and begged until I found a job. When we were travelling without money I was out on the street begging. He won't even go out busking with his guitar. I have constantly gone out and done whatever I had to do just to make sure we were taken care of.

Joeof1: the last part of your post is what really struck home. The whole post was solid but deep down the last part is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that he is just manipulating me. he swears he isn't. He swears he is just stuck but he's got excuses up the wahoo. I'm so tired of hearing excuses. In my eyes anything is possible if you go out and try. I am very worried that he's just going to keep sucking my energy, time, money and emotions until I'm all used up. But for some reason I feel like I k now him better than that and really he's just scared and stuck with in himself. Kind of what Magickduck said.

T. Calderone: I also feel your post hit the nail on the head. I did try to move back to my home state last year and start fresh and did a great job doing it but towards the end I felt guilty about seperating my daughter and her dad. I really want to do everything I can before I completely give up on him. I want a whole family, for my sake and my children's sake. I feel it my duty to exhaust all possible options before moving on again. But I did tell him last night that the next time I have to make the decision to boot him for good it will be for good because I have to put myself and my kids well being first. The fighting isn't good. The lack of adequate food or household supplies isn't good. My physical and emotional health is suffereing because I'm not capable of doing it all on my own with him around. It was one thing to have two mouths to feed on a single person's pay wage but it's another to have three mouths to feed. I am on assistance...food and medical...and for going back to school, well until I can save up enough money for a GRE prep course I'm stuck with my BA from UC Berkeley in Philosophy. I was on my way to acheiving my dreams when I found out I was pregnant my senior year of college. My plan was to go back after the baby was a few years old but I haven't been able to afford it because I've been the only one working. And now with another baby on the way....I just feel so hopeless sometimes. My pain is doing a bit better as my hours have been cut so I'm not putting so much strain on my body, but I did have an interview this morning which went well so fingers crossed on this one. It's much closer to home so I won't have 8 miles to travel, only 3 :)

Magickduck:
I have tried talking with him while on psyches. We both have used our fair share (him a bit more than I). I have communicated with him on what you say is "his level" but it just doesn't seem to sink in. We fought again this morning. He's under the impression that he does enough around the house. He cleans the living room up when our daughter has been playing in it all day and makes the bed in our room. he occasionally actually CLEANS something, but for the most part only after I yell at him. Which is not what I want. Ugh...

Thank you all for you kind words of support. Right now I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with my depression and anxiety so I can better react to my anger with the situation.
 
Are you sure you are being clear with him? I'm serious, show him this thread, and your post, and let him see what you think and how you phrase it to a board of strangers. Then let him see the replys.

And I have to ask, are there positives to this as well? Does he make you happy at all? Are you spending any time together that you ENJOY?
 
Yes I'm sure I'm being clear with him. I try to approach the subject in many different ways. I'm not sure about him reading the post as I just feel he'd get defensive and shut down. This thread was for me, for me to get everything out of my head and maybe gain a bit of perspecitve on my situtation.

There ARE positives as well. I've just been so stressed out for so long that it's hard for me to enjoy his company right now. We love going on long walks, camping, festivals, music shows, traveling, hiking, laughing together, cuddling, etc.

But especially now that I'm about three months pregnant I'm just so overwhelmed by the idea that I can't take care of my family, that I can't enjoy any time with him. I just get so pissed off that he's just letting this happen to us. He tells me that he's not just letting it happen. He says "do you really think I enjoy watching us suffer and fall each month?" and honestly I don't think he does enjoy it but I don't understand what is stopping him from doing everything in his power to exhaust all his options. I just don't get it.

I feel like I've tried everything to help him get a job, everything but actually get him the job myself (which for obvious reasons I can't do). I left him for a whole year and that didn't even motivate him to find a job. Aside from just completely cutting him off (which I can't imagine doing because of his daughter and this new baby growing) I'm stumped. I know if a job fell in his lap he'd work his ass off at it. It's the getting a job that he can't do. His resume is blank for the past five years and before that it was spotty because he was kicking a large methadone habit (his choice, cold turkey, with my help). He doesn't interview well because, well I think he's not confident enough to. Now I don't know if I'm just making excuses for him or if I truly understand his situtation, but like I said, I know if a job was offered to him, if he didn't have to go through the interview and compete with others looking for work he'd work hard for whoever hired him. Unfortunately the world doesn't work that way...at least not for us. Not yet.

Again, thank you for hearing me out and your suggestions. Yes my gut is telling me to kick him to the curb, but my heart is telling me to show compassion, empathy and kindness (although it's a bit hard when my anger kicks in). Arrg! Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans....
 
I don't know what to tell you. You need to figure out a way to get him to take you seriously, perhaps try different wording, maybe confront him with someone else around to also explain, maybe try a counsellor... but because of your behavior with this in the past, I don't think kicking him to the curb is going to get the message across, as he knows you'll just take him back.

Hmm, so you said you know if he had a job, he'd do it? Set him up with some interviews. While its not your place and you shouldn't have to treat him like a child - life can be hard for spunions, lol. I was 20 years old and it took until probation forced me to get a job to do it. I didn't have a kid though.

To be honest, I don't know where you live or what his skills are but within 3 interviews I had a very decent job. Make a fake and impressive resume and have him work his charm and he's sure to get it. Fuck as a last resort, feed him some amphetamines, lol.

Hey if he really doesn't want to work but he isn't opposed to doing SOMETHING have him check out this link: http://jalr.org/ I was going to do it but ended up with a job. 2 days of his time and a risk to his health (it usually ends up well and you can tell from prior groups and their reactions) and he can get paid upwards of 2 grand. Its a fair alternative to wage slavery. In one anarchist journel I read the author put it this way: with the amount of wear and tear on the body, mind and soul from working for 15 days (minimum wage here) to make $2k, is probably equivilent to if not more than the ammount from one of those studies. it's probably best to not keep it up long term, but I've met folks who sustain themselves doing it and live fairly kush lives.


You could also try living in poverty and showing him how much it sucks - but you have a kid, so I suppose you can't.

How old are y'all?
 
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I think it's pretty clear that he is a manipulative, emotionally-abusive jerk. However, it seems that no matter how people in this thread tell you to get rid of him you are just going to make excuses for him. I think at this point you need to take the focus off of evaluating his behavior, and instead focus on your own thoughts and motivations. What do you get emotionally from this relationship? Why is your self-esteem in such tatters that you think that a relationship like this is all you deserve?
 
your friends and family are probably fed up of seeing you chose to allow and enable his lazy behaviour

what i'm saying is he is very lazy and irresponsible and until he starts looking after his daughter by helping to get the food for her what use is he? what kind of a dad is that...

one who doesn't care

he is selfish by his inaction for looking after his own flesh and blood. and himself. this parasitic behaviour is too much

kick him out until he starts bringing home the dough

if no good then child support. you need help and he is just not pulling any weight whatsoever. time for a change

i feel for you- do what needs to be done, you've been the only one doing it sofar
 
Leaving him/kicking him out is the OBVIOUS answer, it's just not as easy as it sounds. Or at least not for me. Seven years of relationship and 15 years of friendship (plus a five year old and another on the way) may make it hard. The lack of any family on my part for support, and place I can really call home (nomadic life since childhood), low self-esteem and either rapid cycling bi-polar or BPD also makes it a lot more difficult. I just feel even more like a horrible person for allowing him to do this, or really for allowing myself to be put in this situation. You all have VALID answers to my post. I would say the same thing if I was outside of the situation.
 
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One step at a time, Aporia. It might not happen overnight, but you're so self-aware and you know what must be done. You know that no matter how many resolutions are suggested here, it has to come from inside(of him) and it's not. I'm not wishing for your home to be broken or for you to have to continue to fend on your own, but I'm thinking that this situation is only going to get worse over time and wear you completely out. Think of your children if not about yourself and start working out ways to leave this toxic relationship behind you. Slowly working your way of a bind is better than nothing at all. I wish you the best, truly.
 
Aporia said:
Joeof1: the last part of your post is what really struck home. The whole post was solid but deep down the last part is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that he is just manipulating me. he swears he isn't. He swears he is just stuck but he's got excuses up the wahoo. I'm so tired of hearing excuses. In my eyes anything is possible if you go out and try. I am very worried that he's just going to keep sucking my energy, time, money and emotions until I'm all used up. But for some reason I feel like I k now him better than that and really he's just scared and stuck with in himself. Kind of what Magickduck said.
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I know where he's at as I have been there myself. I almost committed suicide in 2009, because the career I wanted for so long and worked so hard for literally ended in the blink of an eye. He's stuck in the limbo phase between depression and sociopathy.

He's giving up on life. The fact that he doesn't feel bad for relying on others is the point you should remember at all times. No male can call himself a man if he doesn't take responsibility for himself or others who should be relying on him.

Aporia said:
Leaving him/kicking him out is the OBVIOUS answer, it's just not as easy as it sounds. Or at least not for me. Seven years of relationship and 15 years of friendship (plus a five year old and another on the way) may make it hard. The lack of any family on my part for support, and place I can really call home (nomadic life since childhood), low self-esteem and either rapid cycling bi-polar or BPD also makes it a lot more difficult. I just feel even more like a horrible person for allowing him to do this, or really for allowing myself to be put in this situation. You all have VALID answers to my post. I would say the same thing if I was outside of the situation.
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Nothing in life worth doing is ever easy girl. I cut ties with my entire family because of them holding me back constantly. I burned all bridges with the friends I had growing up for the same reason. It sucked for the first year, but after 4 years of no contact I went back and caught up with them. I had to get away from them to figure out what I wanted to do with myself.

Bi-polar is actually more related to stress than most people think. I had stress induced Bi-Polar when I left the Army. It took a year of just not doing anything but getting my life started again to get it cleared out of my head. I still have insomnia but that is likely more so due to the PTSD.

You should not feel bad for making a choice that he will not make. He has shown in 5 years that he is unwilling to make the choice to stand up and handle his business, so guess what, that makes you the head of the household, and that means that you have to make those choices for him. You said his mother has been helping you out, that is simply the wrong answer from my standpoint. Taking care of family is one thing, but if that family is not living under the same roof the only thing that should be entering your home is a home cooked meal or company from them. He's a grown boy, he needs to learn how to be a man. His mother is looking out for the grandchildren, and it's sending him the wrong signals...
 
he is parasitic

can you not see that parasites will feed you anything you need to hear to keep on draining you of your resources

you should move on
 
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