Desperate My teenage daughter keeps being violent

[Nightbird13]

I can barely see clearly i’m so upset. I’ve called hotlines, been to family therapy and every day she apologizes, yet here i am again, day’s planned ruined, doctor appointments missed. She’s not using anything, she’s angry and upset over a relationship fallout/breakup and she has been blaming me. I feel like I didn’t survive all I have to be abused mentally, emotionally and have property destroyed by my own child. Some is physical also. I don’t fight back, usually just cry. It’s been months. Nothing gets done. Fight, cry, sleep, hear her apology, repeat. We sit to meals together. She’s usually set off by seeing something about him on the internet or a negative interaction or passive aggressive post. I’ve been supportive, quiet, tried to give her space, etc. She constantly lashes out. I’ve been told by other parent groups or single mom groups to take her phone away, shut off her wifi, set boundaries etc. Ha. Easier said than done. She physically will throw or break things if i try. I don’t want to call the police because we are in an apartment building where we already are on thin ice due to many variants. Her depression compiled with quarantine and my own lack of confidence after the character assasination has alienated us from friends and i don’t want people i know to know. I’m humiliated. I worry the fact that I’m a recovering addict will play a role in the police treating the situation badly if called. I have alot of physical setbacks. She tells me I ruined her life, her ability to have a functioning relationship, that i’m worthless and getting well/clean got me nowhere because everyone we cared about is dead anyway and i’m alone. I’ve chosen to focus on helping her with college applications lately but she dropped that too saying we are too poor and it’s my fault as well. Yet I pay the bills, buy food, clothes etc. She won’t work. I was told by my counselor if I lock her out it’s considered negligence and abandonment and I could be arrested since she’s under 18. This past week she had a woman we trusted that did life coaching for teens who said it was a “safe space” on zoom post the sessions to ALL social media platforms to advertise herself, so now it’s my fault for signing her up. I’m exhausted and in need of advice. This has isolated me like i’m in an abusive relationship myself. It’s my child so i’m feeling that she’s hurting and want to protect her but it’s not passing. She also insists that if her father were still here that boys wouldn’t treat her this way. Again the blame which I internalize and her telling me to kill myself is overwhelming. I’m not tough and I try each day and each hour to be positive but now it’s the end of the year and i want things to change. I miss my friends and my art and support and now i’m always interrupted and all her stuff is online virtual schooling etc so she’s home alot. Anyone else go through this or similar? What do you do, how to handle it, not take it personally or is it personal? Thank you kindly.

 

[Joey]

She honestly does need some tough love and an intervention of some kind. I understand shes your kid and the apartment is on thin ice but its gonna be even thinner if she has some radically loud breakout on a regular basis than if police intervene on it NEXT time it happens. Shes being terrible to you and you dont deserve this whatsoever. She needs to be removed from her ability to behave like this repeatedly until whenever this brat gains the wisdom to realize that she is in charge of her own circumstances and bad behavior. I understand shes a kid under 18 but shes still old enough to know WAY THE FUCK BETTER than this abusive bullshit right?

call the fucking cops

 

[Nightbird13]

yes i appreciate what you are saying and agree, while typing my post she literally texted me to stop ignoring her and let her in my bedroom. She sat on the bed and just again verbally berated me. I question my own sanity and self worth. I asked her why she wanted to come in and she said she demanded to know why I keep ruining her life. How do I tell friends i need help? How do I tell the police? won’t they laugh? i have no record but have been treated very poorly by police in the past for looking “alternative” (tattoos and such) and the place is a mess from all her holes in walls, etc.

 

[G_Chem]

This is full on abuse, she’s realized she can treat you this way and there’s nothing you’ll do about it. Your choices are next time it gets physical to call the cops, unfortunately in this day and age you can’t defend yourself against children but you sure can get them locked up.

If your worried about the apartment, wait until she pulls this shit outside of home (if she does) then call so they arrest her in public. She’ll say she hates you more, you just tell her you love her but won’t take the abuse anymore and you’ll be there when she comes to her senses.

Don’t allow this to continue cuz it will only get worse..

-GC

 

[MsDiz]

Wow, I am so sorry you’re going through this. To be mentally and physically abused by your own child must feel absolutely awful.

I would honestly start by picking a time when she’s most calm and sitting down with her. I’m sure you’ve apologised for you past behaviour a hundred times but do it again and make this the last time. Explain to her it’s the last time you’re going to apologise but that you will be showing her you’ve changed through your actions, at the end of the day words mean very little, actions mean more. She needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable and you are no longer going to abide it. You need to think about some boundaries before this talk and you need to lay it out very clearly for her. If she’s rude she loses WiFi for the night. If she’s physical she loses her phone for 2 days etc.

I know during these times things are hard and finding a suitable therapist is hard, especially when you have already had a bad experience. Your child really needs a therapist though. She needs someone she can vent to on her own and get all that hurt and anger out. She has clearly not processed a lot and it’s what’s holding her back and it’s why you are getting the brunt of the anger and hurt. Have you no social workers you can reach out to? Have you exhausted all available sources close to home?

You are going to have to toughen up also, I know that when you’ve been mentally and physically abused it can make you feel small and incapable but if you have got through addiction then you can get through this. Your daughter needs boundaries, now. Take the phone away, change the WiFi password. Yep, I guarantee she will throw a fit but guess what, when she sees you’re not going to give in to her temper tantrums she will soon start realising you’ve got your mummy boots on again. You are the boss and she needs to be respectful to you under your roof.

If she is physical to you again then you call the police. She needs to see there are consequences for her actions. I don’t know where you live but I know in Ireland the police actually have a lot of good resources for kids who are violent and they are able to connect the parent with social workers etc to help sort the issue out.

You can not go on like this. You do not deserve to be spoken to or physically abused in the way you are. Please reach out to a therapist yourself to help you process things because you really do need it.

There will be a lot of push back from your kid when changes are made but you need to stay strong and stay the course.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

Despite what some people are saying, you’re not *letting* her do anything. You’re in a very serious situation and people telling you that she will keep doing it because you *let* her are well-meaning but ultimately harmful. Ignore comments such as “toughen up” because they don’t know the level of abuse you have been through. You say you have tried disciplinary action before and what resulted so don’t take harsh judgments about your ability to set boundaries to heart. And if it is going to result in you being physically harmed then it’s not worth it.

You are doing the best you can. You do need support, and she does need her own therapist. Also keep in mind you may be afraid to get help and support from friends, but ask yourself is there any evidence to support your fears? If your friend was going through the same thing and didn’t tell you, how would you feel? What advice would you give your friend going through this situation?

A heart to heart when she is calm sounds like a good idea. As for calling the cops, I’m sorry but I think if she is harming you and your property they should be involved. It’s a major step and you’re probably afraid of what would happen, but ask yourself what other choice do you have? Perhaps the system can provide more support for you both.

Look after yourself x

 

[Shady's Fox]

Thin ice I guess because reasons reasons, we don't need to pin-point'em. It speaks on itself well I have 2 daughters and womens are very hard to raise financially ( tampons/various creme/make-up/clothes) and so on, when on the other hand if you have a boy not that hard at all, 1 pair of ripped jeans does the job but then again it would be foolish to assume these stuff although it's a real thing depends on your environment -- rural/urban, you know. People are different because otherwise it would be like a pig farm, ahaha anyway one problem I encountered with one of my daughter was when she started experimenting because she didn't knew herself she basically swimmed in her own irony for most of the time, for a while she even left the house because she started to hangout in skate park, discovered raves and so on the little sparks of this hell of a life. I didn't rely on other people, fun fact was that with my wife -- her mom she.. she didn't get along very well like they would be able to make eachother laugh but she didn't trust my wife and she came to me one day, like a storm and she said can we smoke a cigar together? i have some to tell you and i said ok and that was the day she ended her irony, she cut off toxic relationship and started to know the meaning of the word ''rational''. Probably there's some frustration goin on and by venting on what's easy, means you without havin a line of defense she might ''claw'' in your property's items and do that, you have to look deeper because this is not the end of the world, this is the classic story of a kid who wasn't beat up at right time and now she grew up and the bottle starting to choke'up. You have to do this on your own, don't involve treatments, involve reality. Good luck.

 

[MsDiz]

Whilst “toughen up” might have been the wrong wording it is no less what is required here. I’d probably say that yes you need to be empowered, if that means going to a therapist first and gaining new confidence and skills then that’s what you should do.

I’ve worked with lots of parents who’s children are aggressive although those children have complex learning disabilities, it doesn’t change the fact though that the parent must be the one who sets the boundaries and remains strong. It isn’t easy and it usually gets worse before it gets better but unless you change then your daughter will end up either hurting you badly or getting herself in serious trouble with the police.

“When you start changing your response to your child and become more empowered, your child will probably act out more initially. You need to stick with it. It’s scary for kids when their parents begin to take charge. Your child has been used to a certain response from you over the years. In some ways there’s a sense of loss of control on their part. So as a result, you have to be a little bit stronger.”

As a mother I know how hard it is to implement boundaries and I also know how manipulative children can be. There is support out there for you. If you lived in the UK/Ireland I can put you in touch with an agency who could help. If you need help accessing something in your own country I will try and research what’s available because I know when you’re so exhausted from everything how hard it is to be able to seek that help out.

I really hope this new year brings some positive changes for you and your child.

 

[Phoenix_03]

I can’t imagine the amount of hurt this is causing you, but I’ve been caught in the cycle of abuse before and I know how difficult it can be to break free from it. Having your own child as the abuser is really throwing a wrench in the works but regardless, you have to free yourself from this toxic situation.
I would start keeping a written record everyday of any instance where she is abusive in any way. Write the date, time, location, exactly what happened and what was said. (Obviously don’t write it in front of her.) This way if you have any fears about not being believed or if she tries to lie and put the blame on you, you can pull your journal out and show whoever a detailed account of all the abuse. I would suggest recording anything as well, but it would be more difficult and if she caught on it would likely cause more trouble.
I agree with the idea mentioned of having a sit down with her, while she’s calm, and apologizing for anything you did to hurt her in the past. Make it clear though, that it’s the last time you’re going to apologize. You’ve turned your life around and gotten clean, you don’t owe her any more guilt or tears.
She will keep abusing you as long as you allow it. It really is as simple as that. Once you put your foot down and refuse to be mistreated, eventually there will be a change. It won’t happen right away, and you have to stick to your guns, but she will either stop this nonsense or she’ll wind up in jail/psychiatric hospital/wherever they send troubled youths where you are.
Turn off the wifi, take away her phone, whatever punishment you can think of, use them when she starts to berate and insult you. Do not give in to her. If she gets physical you need to protect yourself, don’t just let her beat on you. Don’t fight back, but at least just try to defend yourself.
I know you don’t want to involve the police, but if you implement all the other ways to try to deter her actions and nothing’s working...that might be your only option. You seem wary of doing this because they won’t believe you(part of why i said keep a record) but don’t even think of anything besides what your daughter is doing and how you need help. Keep that mindset firmly in place and the police will see that. You’d be surprised how many of them do truly want to help people.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you’re able to start taking some of the steps mentioned here. Your daughter needs help, as do you, and I hope you’re able to get it.

 

[js420]

Tell her how things are going to be from now(u wont be putting up with this shit anymore) and tell her you will call the police next time it happens and she will be locked out of the apartment.

If it were my son, he would get a clip around the ears and hed stop pretty quickly. Not saying you should hit her, but it sounds like that strict figure in her life was never really there.

Best of luck OP

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

You can start by getting in touch with a social worker or a domestic violence counsellor as this is parental abuse, you do not have to put up with ii, if you do she will never adapt to adulthood and continue this behaviour into other relationships.


You are in charge, she is not.

As for what to say to friends or family, simply ask for help . Anyone she will think twice about talking back to and will not put up with her shit. Just call someone in your family and say you need help, talk when she is not there and plan this person or persons to come over to back you up. Point out the damage she has caused and disconnect the internet and her phone. Buy the things needed to repair the damage and tell her she fixes it or she is free to leave, she can not break property or do anything to break lease agreements signed by you in a place provided by you for her to live.

If you don't want to involve anyone you know you might have to involve the police or family services, ring them and ask what you can do to get her accommodation should she be unable to comply with your rules.


Dont answer stupid rhetorical questions about ruining her life, dont mention the stupid boyfriend, its time to stop letting her manipulate you. You have every right to private time in your own home, just tell her she isn't welcome near you while she is being like that .

It might come down to having her removed as you will lose your place because of the damage and disturbance of the peace.

So what if you have a history and past addiction, its not you thats screwing up its her, you need to be strong and dont ever show her you are broken by her, fake it until you make it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I’ve been told by other parent groups or single mom groups

I read this far and instantly understood your situation.
Women aren't very good authority figures. There can be expections, but most of the times? No.
Once your daughter understood that she can overpower you physically your words had absolutely no meaning.

MODEDIT: Telling people to be thankful their problems aren't worse isn't appropriate on TDS.

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

Single mothers have no choice but to be an authority figure and that is what she needs to be, being calm, controlled with no ability to being drawn into guilt trips or nonsense.

A mother is not a friend, that is earned by both and the daughter is not earning that.

The mother is in charge and needs to believe she can do this.

Setting boundaries at a late stage is very hard and will be responded to with even more bad behaviour but don't back down, giving a choice of either fixing up the damage done and getting her into finding work for her independence while under your roof or telling her she may leave of her own free will might mean she will take her chances out in the real world but that's her decision.

Itll be better for her to have a roof over her head and her mum while she enables herself to live like everyone else has to, fending for herself like a grown up.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I read this far and instantly understood your situation.
Women aren't very good authority figures. There can be expections, but most of the times? No.
Once your daughter understood that she can overpower you physically your words had absolutely no meaning.
MODEDIT: Telling people to be thankful their problems aren't worse isn't appropriate on TDS.

There is a whole lot more to raising a healthy kid, boy or girl, than merely being an authority figure. And a lot of violent drug addicts grew up with authoritarian fathers. Many children growing up with single mothers grow up fine and with good boundaries. I think there is a lot more nuance in this situation than such a simple explanation.

 

[Jabberwocky]

And a lot of violent drug addicts grew up with authoritarian fathers.

I agree. Too strict rules cause rebellion and sometimes this rebellion goes too far.
For example, extreme christianity can cause a girl to be complete whore when she decides to rebel against her parents.

 

[JessFR]

I feel like this thread is unfortunately not going to be a lot of help. I suspect it'll just turn into a debate on parenting troubled kids by people who likely don't have troubled kids and/or aren't parents.

I know my closest experience to the issue is being the troubled kid and I don't think I was nearly as bad as the OP described.

But im told my mom got all sorts of very unhelpful advice on what to do.

I don't believe calling the police is the answer, I don't generally believe in any answer of that kind because apart from having moral disagreements I fear that it risks causing a kind of institutionalization so to speak, increasing the risk of the problem becoming a lot more long term.

But this may just be my own unhelpful inexperienced advice.

Truth is I don't know what you should do. All I can think to say is that I eventually grew out of this behavior. And I hope eventually your daughter will as well.

Until then.. Unfortunately there may not be any good answers. People will tell you shit about tough love... But I have a lot of doubts about their effectiveness.

I don't know where you go to get help for this, but unfortunately I doubt it's here.

 

[Cabbanis Lifestyle]

I believe that no one here has the answer you are looking for because we have no idea about your situation aside from what you shortly described.

But...

The anger is there within her and will be expressed somehow.

Maybe you can benefit from the truth that this anger will reveal.

For example, a person who grows up without a father will miss some archetypical lessons that only a father figure can provide.
If it is true that she's suffering because she doesn't have a present father then there are two options:

• The mother rises to the occasion and incorporates the father;
• The kid stands up and understands that there's a part of life that she has to figure out on her own;

In both cases, there is an incredible amount of strength necessary.

In many animal communities, there's a hierarchical activity that happens when the group sees that a member is too weak.
In these cases, all the group will bully the one weak member until this member decides to fight back and stand for themselves.
They are bullied until they are strong.

To illustrate:

In the case of human beings bullying is not effective, but it's still present in our evolutionary memory. If your daughter is attacking you it might be a gut impulse to make what she considers a weakness, a strength.

I mean to say that maybe she is trying to "help" you by attacking you.

As I pointed out before, this is not an effective technique to apply to modern humans. The best way is to take this impulse out of her subconscious by talking about it openly so that next time she feels the impulse to bully you, she will be aware and will have a choice to act on it or not.

The fact is that there's a weakness that she can sense and she attributes it to the absence of her father, judging by what you briefly wrote, so the only way to go about this is to tell her that you are what you are and it's unfortunate that she's "stuck" with you but if she really wants to grow and make up for this "weakness" you both have to be strong and work together.

Read the first sentence of this response again before you consider any of what I wrote to be the truth.

 

[sekio]

I believe that no one here has the answer you are looking for because we have no idea about your situation aside from what you shortly described.

and you do?

The best way is to take this impulse out of her subconscious by talking about it openly so that next time she feels the impulse to bully you, she will be aware and will have a choice to act on it or not.

somehow I think that she's already tried talking about it

also the whole alpha-beta-omega thing with wolves was refuted by the same person who introduced it..

In the past, the prevailing view on gray wolf packs was that they consisted of individuals vying with each other for dominance, with dominant gray wolves being referred to as the "alpha" male and female, and the subordinates as "beta" and "omega" wolves. This terminology was first used in 1947 by Rudolf Schenkel of the University of Basel, who based his findings on researching the behavior of captive gray wolves. This view on gray wolf pack dynamics was later popularized by the researcher L. David Mech in his 1970 book The Wolf. He later found additional evidence that the concept of an Alpha male may have been an interpretation of incomplete data and formally disavowed this terminology in 1999. He explained that it was heavily based on the behavior of captive packs consisting of unrelated individuals, an error reflecting the once prevailing view that wild pack formation occurred in winter among independent gray wolves. Later research on wild gray wolves revealed that the pack is usually a family consisting of a breeding pair and their offspring of the previous 1–3 years. In the article, Mech wrote that the use of the term "alpha" to describe the breeding pair adds no additional information, and is "no more appropriate than referring to a human parent or a doe deer as an alpha." He further notes the terminology falsely implies a "force-based dominance hierarchy." In 13 years of summer observations of wild wolves, he witnessed no dominance contests between them.

(i actually really like wolves, they're pretty amazing creatures)

 

[Cabbanis Lifestyle]

somehow I think that she's already tried talking about it

I think that a good approach to this conversation would be to explore together and in real-time (if this makes sense) what the deep underlying truth is and negotiating a compromise to make all the parts happy. This takes a lot of spirits and it's often difficult to have a conversation of this level without choking and crying, I find.

But again, what do we know, right?

About the wolf thing, I think you are right, but I wanted a good way to illustrate that there might be a bully instinct that many animals display when they encounter what they consider weakness. It makes sense to me but maybe it's just not how things are.

 

[sekio]

That's an admirable goal, but the real challenge is being able to make that connection. It's totally possible to put up a facade of normalcy for a counselor and then behave as usual when they leave.
I agree that a holistic approach would be a good idea: the counselor should involve you too. "it takes two to tango" after all.
The unfortunate reality is that it will take a major change or disruption to your child's life before something changes. This may very well involve police, or you could try taking her to a hospital and having her evaluated for mental health issues, or maybe a session with the two of you and a GP/counselor.
It's not going to go away just by asking her nicely.