hi. i always told myself that i was never gunna do anything that seriously damaged my body.
recently iv been searching for meaningful answer to our existence and such, and though im really into science and physics and other such things that really try and get to the facts, i cant help but drift further away from them. they dont manage to get to giving an answer that im looking for. and when approaching these scientific communities looking for answers to what i think, it has simply been ignored. none willing to stray from what they think is right. its like, if ur not a scientist, then your opinion and ideas just simply aren't credible enough to be acknowledged. i say bullshit to that! and ppl like them.
i consider myself a reasonably loving and caring person with a thirst for 'true knowledge'/enlightnment. i hate the state the world is in. i hate the fact that, not just that there are multiple governments and ppl in higher power, and that some of these go to war and what not, but just the fact that there was ever even 1 person that thought to rule over the rest. i think we can all probably agree that the world would truly be a great place if we were all equal with no ruler, and, i dont believe in the bible or 'god' that is to say, my interpretation of god is very different!- we'll get to that. i will get to my mdma experience, i just want to explain what lead me personally to it.
but from the bible, there is 1 phrase for me that stands out among all. that is, 'love thy neighbour'. i have loved and still do, but also from that experienced the worst pain. i think, if we could all love and be connected equally, then the pain side of it would be gone forever, no more hate, no more bad. if anyone else has been or is in love then i would hope that u get what i just said quite easily. i do believe it could be done and will eventually. that leads me to thinking that there will be one last great war, whenever it happens, however it happens who could say, but this would be the one that decides weather our race continues to evolve as it should have from the start. or not. it would be between true good, the ppl that realise everything i just said, and true evil, those that would still seek to control. hopefully future generations will pick the good side. its not about been gay and soppy, its about doing what's right. whats needed.
so my mum dies a little over a year ago, she wasnt well most her life, just an unfortunate deal of some shitty cards. i couldnt really have cared about life no more. it seemed entirely pointless to work so hard only to get to that day when its all completely erased. in a world of greed and cruelty. what is the point?
i dont want to go into too many more details of me coming to take certain substances. i started to see life differently in the last year and its only increasing more in smaller amounts of time. i turned 20 november of last year, i have been through a lot. with my thirst for knowledge i took to looking away from the physical world and studying on the things we dont initially see, instantly i came across dmt and ayahuasca, stuff like that, for those who know what im on about... i believe u now know, what i am on about.
i did state, i dont particularly want to do things that could damage my body. so i looked and looked for credible sources of info, cross referenced other info, i wanted the best truths i could get on what was actually gunna be good for the next step of my journey. i will say right now. not at any part of this am i looking for a buzz. im not looking to get high as fuck to forget about my worries. i want the truth on what we are and what we will become, something along those lines... oh, and i dont smoke tobacco. as its bad.
so a few month after my mum died and all my research, not cos friends did it, they did for years and i always said no, i started to smoke weed. purely by itself usually out of a bong. at the very most i do 5 to 10 hits a week and that gets me what i want.
at first everything i could think about was just right there, i couldnt focus on 1 thing, but everything at once. now i can separate them into what i want to be looking at right then and put other things to the side. my first time walking home late at night, i got a little paranoid walking through a wood, hearing all the little sounds. i told myself right then and there that this been one of the worst side effects, was something that wasnt going to bother me no more. it comes from your head, i made myself aware of that and it was gone instantly. so some clear benefits there from weed.
more research, i was looking for something that could help me see with my own eyes, what i believe to be the real universe. im getting closer and closer to the understanding. i really believe that all our conciousness is one. not just of living things, but from every atom, every particle. we are all directly connected. i have a lot of my own theories that iv developed but i wont go into those hear. instantly i decided over the last few month to jump straight to the source of awareness. id looked into its damaging effects enough, and in my opinion i think they should be completely disregarded. there simply not sufficient enough reason to not do it. DMT smoked, or ayahuasca, which i would prefer to go with. dmt is formed in our brain, its there when u sleep, when u dream, the minute u close your eyes. i think that says all that need be said. its important to us.
what comes from it and its trips are where i want to go. not for the thrill, in fact i heard it gives u everything, good and bad, so that u may learn right from wrong and such. i want it to become truly enlightened, to see the world as it truly is. and to give meaning to this seemingly pointless role we play as humans. i dont fear, nor anxious about taking it. i want to see the good and the bad, so that i may learn right from wrong and whatever else that something on the other side seems to want us to know. many accounts refer to this thing this entity. whatever it is, i think that it just might be there, and not there as in somewhere else, but here all around us in dimensions our 5 senses cant connect with. i think, to get there, its these senses that we have to be able to shut off. or to dramatically increase their capability.
my friends have warned me away. they say im going too far too quick, i say why waste a life of hardship and unknown, when everything that we could ever need to know is possibly right there. i dont want to wait., for there sake i took a slight step back.
my first mdma experience.
so reluctantly, i havent taken that huge step just yet. but iv gone straight from nearly a year of smoking weed to mdma lastnight. friday. from what i found, it takes u to a higher state, not so high but what i summed up to be a satisfactory starting point. i did this with my 2 best mates. they dont really talk about whats inside them much so i couldnt really say what they got, so ill just recount as much of my experience as possible.
what was believed to be pure mdma crystals. i wasnt off put. they were pretty big chunks, they looked sound. i took 0.25g, lights out, we all sat back with the music on and waited for it to come. they kicked in first, around 15 - 20 mins, but i didnt seem to feel anything yet, i didnt worry or doubt that it would come, i just taught that simply because i was more prepared and aware of what i wanted that i was just gunna be able to handle it. i kept that mindset throughout the night.
coming up to around half hour mark i start feeling a little light headed. i say to them, its on its way. and i let it slowly take hold. 10 minutes later, i would say i was getting exactly the kind of thing i expected and wanted
i felt that my friends thought i was making most of the stuff up that i started to experience. little did i know that later we would be having the deepest talk, full of emotion and love, about it. all the problems on each of our minds would be shared and felt by each other.
so the lights out, were sat back listening to music, and i look into the blackness of the room, with no light, i start to see it as if there was a dark red filter over the top in every bit of the space, and still that pitch blackness, i could start to see the shape and details of these things in the room illuminated by this dark red tint. then it starts getting interesting.
the musics playing loudly, prodigy, firestarter. that sound was like something i never heard before, it totally changed. coming up, knowing the location of things in reality, isnt too bad, but as the sound of the music seemed to get louder and louder, its like it manipulated everything in the room. things started to get mixed together, i cant really explain it. the sound had left the speakers, while i wasnt looking at them, they didnt even exist. that sound was vibrating everywhere at once with no point of origin. until finally i couldnt even pick out its location of the entire room, it was just in my head. right deep in my ears. i had to test this somehow, so i looked to get eyes on the speakers, and only once i noticed them, did the sound seem to pull out of me and fade back into that recognised point of origin. of course i tell my friends, they are seeing whatever they are seeing but they say im mad., all that over the course of 3 minutes or so.
fully aware, i realise im seeing, hearing and feeling some profound stuff, i was getting what i wanted, and was happy for more. we sat around for the next 10 mins or so with other music continuing to play. sound turns out to be a big thing for me in the end)
we're babling on about whatever and i start to,.. im gunna call it 'phasing out'. by this i mean, all of a sudden i would start to stop moving my hands and such in thin air. there they would hover perfectly still, i was aware of this, and had to really concentrate each time to get them moving again by myself. this would happen continually on and off for the rest of the time. it felt amazing to say the least. its like by simply not thinking about it, i could be totally disconnected to my limbs. i sat back further but keeping a nice posture and closed my eyes, i noticed pretty much instantly that every bit of my body was in complete shut down. my arms raised slightly into the air, my body perfectly still. the music still playing, my jaw clenched tightly but my tongue still able to move on the inside, allowing myself control to a degree, i could talk through this.
my friend reaches over, tells me to put my hands down, with my eyes shut, i couldnt focus on them, i couldnt open my eyes either, the only thing i could do was move my tongue and talk from behind my clenched teeth. i told him straight, i wasnt in control, he tells me to stop been stupid and pushes them down for me, this was the weirdest feeling ever.
wherever he placed them wether on a surface or to a point in the air, i could feel them move but remain locked. he must have noticed as i heard him call out to the other, 'yo man, have u seen this' when he would move more intricate parts such as individual fingers they didnt perfectly lock for him, he wasnt satisfied that it was real.i talked him through how it felt while he was doing this. as i could still feel, i felt a springyness to my fingers, he couldnt close them in to a tight fist and let go for example because the would slightly sring back out and i could feel that. he then grabs my head and started pushing it to different sides and angles. it felt real strange. he then left me there with my head tilted right down onto my shoulder and started to urge me to get control, i struggled but managed to get my eyes open, only then could i start to focus on the other limbs. we was ready to go out this was from half hour to 45 mins of it first kicking in.
for me, this was just real, basically, anything really is possible.
sat down in the clubs, were trying to talk but losing track of everything we say. there was just so much bonding between us though and i know this is one of its major effects, were not afraid to tell each other that we love each other. thats just what it does. i sat down a lot to start with, i was in and out of control of my body all night, i remember ppl trying to talk to me and i couldnt even turn my head to them. we whent into this nice club with its circular room and dance floor in the centre. the scene was perfect for this. a lot of stuff continued to happen but the last major thing that changed was unreal even more. after everything that iv found out, i was shocked. i stood just at the edge of the dance floor, strobe laser lighting, smoke, rave music, job lot. it wasnt the colours that got me or even the light at all. the light turns totally white, spreading through all the smoke in all the room, and i look right into the heart of it, and as the music beated away, i could see it form the smoke into many geometric patterns, not coloured, just plain white glowy smoke forming into these shapes upon every beat only separated in-between by the gaps it would make through the smoke as they changed shape, that was highly surreal, but it was there.
that about sums up the main bulk of my experience, also, i dont seem to have totally come down now, 24 hours later. i wrote this now, while still feeling the effects of my first mdma trips. i know i might have gone on a little there, but i feel that i needed to get all of this out, and i cant wait to gain heightened awareness from ayahuasca :L hope u enjoyed reading
