Blog My Cursed Existential Torments

[Trevylianos]

It seems I have had the curse of addiction since a young age, probably not writing a bio right now in here but might share more on my history including what drugs I was getting out of control with and the problems they have caused in my life.

Anyways I like what a fellow here was doing with keeping track of days. I actually will be trying that for 3 weeks and see how I am doing. Been relapsing for over a week now which is scary. Today will be my clean date that I start tracking from.

Day 0

Lots of shame and regret. Lots of work to do and getting a job should be the priority and then keeping it. Outside of working to keep me heading in the right direction daily meditation and lots of fitness and I always eat for health when I'm not relapsing badly. Also trying to salvage past connections with peers in a community I was involved in. Trying to repair what has been damaged if it can be salvaged and looking for new positive connections in wholesome communities. A stable job is only possible if I am being healthy outside it I have found. My father's boss who was the president of the firm was a raging alcoholic and would drink in his giant office all day long. It got so bad over the years he just fell apart in all kinds of ways and they had to tell him to resign. Anyways ya the beast can cost us greatly if we play a victim. I don't want to be the victim of my compulsions.

 

[Trevylianos]

I wasn't trying to draw a parallel or what have you, make a comparison or allude to or even directly reference (wow why so wordy about this?) existential philosophy. Like what is that exactly anyways? I mean to be alive is to have existence. From a purely material perspective let's say our unique persona is not permanent in the sense it lives on when we as in our body and personhood in this lifetime...WHOA wait a sec this is a recovery blog sharing dark experiences during a brutal trial that I am facing, have been facing, and only this section fits the bill for the nature of this.

Let me keep it simple here. Let's stay grounded in basics. I'm in no position to start playing philosopher here right now if ever.

I was just browsing a nursing philosophy medical article, the abstract or overview (ok back on topic here after this) on NCBI/PubMed and it is like holy shit dude end of life caregiving. I mean reading this part below is kind of daunting in the sense that dying could be a really painful time and I am sure it is hard for many people,

From the moment the torment of suffering begins, a person needs a presence of humanistic professionalism that embraces the values of the nursing profession.

I messed up today. I took stuff from my parents house and was essentially the willing victim of my drug compulsion issue. I shouldn't take random drugs without planning on it for a valid reason let alone from my parents without asking. I just emailed my mother about it and this isn't a new thing and I have been caught redhanded doing it before.

Ok. Since it was day 0 I won't say tomorrow isn't day 1 but if I take drugs like this again it's a relapse even if I didn't do anything stupid under the influence.

I have tools like meditation and qigong that act as powerful medicine for me which makes me not need chemicals but I still have this pattern of using that hasn't been completely broken and when I get swept into it it spirals into living like a raging addict. Polyaddict.

I can't say I wouldn't try to use certain drugs again but only if they aren't taken compulsively and might aid transforming me into someone who can work through negative compulsive drug use and end it for good. I am confused still and in poor shape this should become more cohesive and clean in thinking or structure as I get back on the horse here or wagon if you prefer.

 

[OrbitalCombustion]

Existentialism is a great tool for analyzing, situating and becoming responsible for our existence. Jean-Paul Sartre talks about this. You did not choose to be born but here you are, and there is a utilitarian purposefulness to it that is coupled with a post-birth responsibility for your life.

Drug addiction is a constant reminder of our imperfect composition. The next time you feel like using ask yourself: 1) Why am I about to use this drug?; 2) What benefit will it bring to my life or perspective?; 3) If I use this drug, what other drugs or substances will follow?; 4) Can I achieve this same wanted feeling with another activity that is less destructive?

 

[Trevylianos]

Existentialism is a great tool for analyzing, situating and becoming responsible for our existence. Jean-Paul Sartre talks about this. You did not choose to be born but here you are, and there is a utilitarian purposefulness to it that is coupled with a post-birth responsibility for your life.

Drug addiction is a constant reminder of our imperfect composition. The next time you feel like using ask yourself: 1) Why am I about to use this drug?; 2) What benefit will it bring to my life or perspective?; 3) If I use this drug, what other drugs or substances will follow?; 4) Can I achieve this same wanted feeling with another activity that is less destructive?

I'm Buddhist even though I suck so I mean Chinese philosophy is my cup of tea in terms of actually relying on it practically but I might look at some of Jean-Paul Sartre as I like looking at philosophers outside my own inclinations just for fun.

Anyways I like what you are saying about asking myself but the issue with a compulsion is slowing down enough with the behavior to have that conversation. For me that's how it is but I need to try to ask that for sure to make this stop.

Day 1

Massive hatred towards my life but it's like ok whatever fuck all this shit I just need to stay clean. Massive resentment towards people from my past who wanted to help but my ego wouldn't allow them to as they want to do that on a level most people wouldn't be in a position to accept nor seek even I think.

I just need to let the weeks start building up here.

I feel engulfed in negative energy or rather know I created a ton of negative energy through recent slips and even past slips and only if I stay clean will new positive energy start overriding it.

I almost want to check in here weekly but I will stick to once a day at least for these first 3 weeks while I get a grip back on my good habits like meditation and qigong and fitness.

I will try to use a gratefulness website during this time too and contribute to recovery journals so I'm not just being selfish focusing on my own self created issues.

Edit: I'm not sure this will be a log. I kind of copied KratomDemon's idea with doing a blog in this section. I realize in a section nearby we can also have a recovery/addiction log type thing. So I mean I'm not really super attached to this but I hope it will offer something outside the blog author killing themself unintentionally with drugs or going to prison due to drinking and taking drugs as it's bad like that here.

 

[Trevylianos]

There's no real point in me coming onto this blog and counting days when a slip or relapse could very well happen after 4 months clean. I can go months clean and this compulsion will just have been sleeping not dying.

“Do you think that I count the days? There is only one day left, always starting over: it is given to us at dawn and taken away from us at dusk.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre

I like his quotes here. Awesome guy.

Jean-Paul Sartre Quotes (Author of Nausea)

1543 quotes from Jean-Paul Sartre: 'If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.', 'Do you think that I count the days? There is only one day left, always starting over: it is given to us at dawn and taken away from us at dusk.', and 'I'm going to smile, and my smile will sink down...

www.goodreads.com

Bookmarked this. Will make it more of a blog entry than a diary entry but of course I will discuss my own situation in it.

I'm just trying to justify to myself what the difference is between having a blog thread in here and a journal in the Health and Recovery section.

I mean really let me assess what more people are doing but I'm just a guest here so it's not my choice on where this technically belongs.

 

[Trevylianos]

Ok so I'm abandoning this "blog".

Why did I feel inclined to name this how I did?

Do I have it worse than others? No. It's exaggeration. It's despair.

The worst torment my addiction brought me wasn't the delusions that lasted for weeks in retrospect even though it was like living through a paranormal, literally supernatural, like literally spooky real shit was happening that I wasn't imagining and you can say what you want about that statement, however it was being in jail if only for a week at a time on a drug court sanction. It was a waking nightmare the first time I got locked up especially not knowing if I would be out after only a week or in there for two. I was saying to myself I'm gonna kill myself if I have to stay here another week.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, please feel free to keep writing in here, sometimes it helps to just get stuff out instead of holding it in. Many people here have been through addiction and mental/spiritual crises. Health and Recovery is also a great forum, it's up to you which place you feel it is more appropriate. Either way we're here for you.