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Heroin My boyfriend relapsed

T

T.hopeful

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 5, 2015
Messages
36
I met him 9 months ago, just a few months after he left rehab. He told me of his past and his heroin abuse of 7 years. I accepted him as he was and knew id be in for a rough road ahead. I was naive to the fact that relapse would happen. I am not an addict.


December 11th would've been a year clean of heroin for him. First I found the straw cut into a point with dark residue. He claimed it was Coke. A few days later I found the tiny bags of a brown powder I'd never seen before in my life. Both items were casually or shall I say wrecklessly left on the bathroom sink.


He claimed it started out as selling to make money, then of course he couldn't resist temptation. He admitted to snorting heroin for about a month now and believes he can quit on his own by lowering his intake. He does a 1/10 bag in the morning and one at night.


Is this possible or am I just enabling him by giving him a chance to climb out on his own?
 
Relapse is definitely a part of recovery and trying to live sober in the real world, unfortunately.
You know I don't know if it would be enabling to give him another chance. Some people really honestly can just make a little mistake, and get caught up in it. I was able to kick my heroin habit on my own, well besides the support I was getting from people here on bluelight and some support from NA, and I know a lot of people who have done it this way. I personally feel like you should just be stern with him, if he messes up once more you have to go. Because believe me it will always be a battle and you probably wouldn't just be able to completly get over it and move on. (Speaking from personal experience)
I want to say too that I feel like I was really only successful in getting clean because of my will to want to actually be clean. That's all there is to it, he has to want to stop or it's just going to be lies and lies and lies. And honestly with how he was already giving some excuses, he doesn't really seem like he wants it. He has to quit "selling" an addict in recovery can not sell and just never touch it again, especially with his history.
So I say good luck and be there for him sure, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. You are going to have to be honest with him and set some boundaries. I hope everything works out for him and for you.
EXjunkiegirl23..
 
Thank you. I told him id give him the chance to get clean on his own because he doesn't want his parents/job finding out. He was doing so well and things were great between us. Now I feel I've lost trust that I can never get back. Part of me believes he wants to stop but another part of me knows he loves to get high.

He's smoked week on a daily basis, drinks wine on a daily basis (used to be vodka but I wouldn't allow it so he eventually cut back)

I told him selling is out of the question. To me that's pretty much selling death.

I know everyone is different but he thinks it will take a month to wing himself off to avoid severe withdraw symptoms. I feel a month is too long....
 
tell him to get some kratom, the chances of successfully weaning yourself off heroin are pretty low. its by no means impossible but it is unlikely.
 
sadly, I don't think he can do it alone. He relapsed only for the reason of wanting to. Thanks for the tip
 
T.hopeful said:
sadly, I don't think he can do it alone. He relapsed only for the reason of wanting to. Thanks for the tip
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Yeah he might not be able to. You should express these feelings to him. Like I said if he really wants to stop he will do everything he can to make it happen. Tapering off the h is never going to work. Ever. That's just an addicts way of keeping the drug is his life and having you eating into his bullshit. He will end up never being honest with you about the amount he is taking and how he is doing in terms of tapering in the time allotted. Even if you were to hold it and dispense it to him he would start doing the shit behind your back, maybe not right at first but eventually, tapering off h is still feeding his addiction and habit and being an addict he will need more and more and do whatever he needs to know that he's going to have more. This drug is insane and can really grip your brain hard (again this is personal experience) I want to say too, that if he's really only doing basically 20 a day for a month, his WD symptoms probably aren't going to be nearly as bad as he is making it out to be. The only way is to be completely done. Flush that shit. Flush all his gear he uses to fix. You have to get rid of it all and stop contact with everyone in that lifestyle or it will never work without going into a rehab or something like it. Again I'm wishing both him and you the best of luck. I hope you guys survive this.
EXjunkiegirl23..
 
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Yeah when he said a month after doing so little I thought he was just trying to drag things out. I definitely will be rediscussing this with him. Unfortunately he carries his stash with him but I want all of it to be gone.
 
See, you know more then you give yourself credit. If it doesn't feel right or legit to you, it's not. Shit even if it does feel right, it might not still be that way. Just be careful with this please! This is going to be a very rocky experience. And remember, don't be afraid to stand your ground and go. Sometimes it takes something like that for the addict to wake up!
<3
EXjunkiegirl23..
 
I highly doubt he is just doing one in the am and one at night. I'd bet there's another at lunch and another around 4 too. Addicts always say we do less than we really do! I would bet if he tells you 2 a day it's more like 6 a day. Being an addict sucks and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I know you think if if loved me enough he would stop. Its not that simple. Its a very powerful addiction and unfortunately we addicts usually have to lose everything before we are ready to stop.
 
Yeah he might not be able to. You should express these feelings to him. Like I said if he really wants to stop he will do everything he can to make it happen. Tapering off the h is never going to work. Ever
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I actually knew someone who successfully tapered off heroin by himself. He had a rather light habit and kept increasing the time between his doses and taking smaller doses and then eventually jumped off. I am only saying this because I dislike absolute statements, and whenever someone tells me something is impossible or will never work, I try to prove them wrong. But I agree with your sentiment that tapering oneself off is a not a reasonable plan of action for quitting heroin. That's why I suggest kratom. That can really work and even if he ends up just staying on kratom, its way better than being on heroin. Legal, no overdose risk, no needles, much cheaper, less serious withdrawal, less psychologically addicting, not as mentally impairing, all natural (no dangerous adulterants).
 
He said during his heavy use he was using 10 bags a day and speedballing. The only reason I believe there is a small chance of him tapering off is because of the vodka issue. He was drinking at least a fifth of vodka a day
 
I'm the first girls he's dated since high school because of his addiction. He warned me when he met me that the only problem we will have is drugs and he was right. I truly think he wants to stop heroin because this is the first time in 7 years that he said he's felt like he was living. Because he has a job, me, we have a nice apartment. I'm a good influence. I do smoke week but I only drink maybe once a month. But I know nothing I say or do will change his mind. He has to own it and do it himself.
 
Burnout, I totally agree with you. I know that it can be possible but honestly giving the circumstance and the OP is in and how dude is already being towards her, I just feel like it would be setting him up to keep using and be able to keep her trapped at the same time. I guess I was just more trying to show that this is a serious problem and he might not be able to do it on his own and IMO it is next to impossible, especially given the dudes history. This person you know who tapered off that low dose of h, did he have a previous 7 year addiction to h? Probably not. Like I said in my post before this one, what I was basing that off is personal experience with someone with a similar using background as her dude. But all is well. I have used kratom before to get off h and yeah it worked but I don't feel like I was honestly really done til this time around when I did it pretty much cold turkey and quit it all on my own. Everyone is different :)
 
Stay strong! If you have any more concerns or questions, please post and express them and ask, there is always someone on here that'll have something to say to you! If you could, give us an update, that would be cool. I would definitely like to hear how this turns out. Stay safe! Again, I can't say this enough, good luck to both you and him! I really hope he will turn things around, it really is awesome being clean! (Especially if you have someone like you, who loves them obviously a lot)
<3
EXjunkiegirl23..
 
hey OP: I am a recovering heroin addict. It has been over a year, and I will always say recovering because I learn something new about myself and my disease everyday.

What you have going on here is called codependency. The feelings you have are wrapped up in his using...do not feel this is some sort of failing on your part. As exjunkiegirl posted...he has to want it more than anything.

There are two possible scenarios:
1.)he doesn't stop, the taper does not work, and he changes addictions to drinking and smoking pot (the most likely)
2.)he actively gets help to stay sober and stays away from all mood altering substances (other than the methadone or suboxone program). Using is just a symptom of a broader problem; The disease of addiction. This is a progressive disease that always ends badly...there will be lie after lie from him to protect his use. If he stops the H it will present itself in his drinking or his pot smoking. Basically, the disease is the inability to use mood altering substances in a controlled moderate manner. (this is the most likely to happen)

If you don't want number 2 to become your life, then you either need to draw a line in the sand in which on one side is you, therapy, and support...and the other side is you being gone but he still has his drugs.

If he is a chronic relapser you may want to give ORT(opiate replacement therapy) such as methadone or suboxone a try...it can be expensive, but will give him the stability in order to address the problems that made him an addict in the first place. He is going to need therapy and support that only other addicts that have crossed the threshold of active use to active recovery can offer in order to start getting well. it is 10% willpoer, 90% desire. He has to want it and seek it the same way he sought after his drugs.

Whatever you do OP, never believe you have failed anyone. That is just one aspect of the disease...it effects those around the one suffering. Like exjunkiegirl said there are a lot of people with plenty of advice for you.
 
Hi OP- I do not mean to be harsh, but I think you should plan an exit strategy. You cannot be the reason your boyfriend gets clean. He has to want it himself. You are not responsible for his relapse or how he chooses to handle it. You are in a position where he can use you as an excuse-and he will lie to you every step of the way.

My partner of over 20 years died of his addiction to alcohol, Morphine and Oxy. His addiction began only 3 years before is death. I did everything I knew how to help him-therapy, doctors, lawyers for the legal troubles. He never once told me the whole truth about his use and I know he consistently lied to his therapist. The point is he cooperated in all of this because I urged him to, not because he thought he had a problem or wanted to get sober. After a few too many incidents of finding him nodded out with a burning cigarette, almost drowning in the hot tub etc, I realized I was at actual physical risk. And that there was nothing I could do change his behavior. I left. He died about a year later.

Sorry, my story isn't really relevant. I was just trying to make the point that involving yourself as the reason he should get clean doesn't work. Unless he wants to, he's already chosen the drugs over you. And you do not want to lose him twice.
 
Manboychef, Ive always believed he needed to get help. Yes I have been able to provide support in ways of being a non judging person in his life and letting him vent and go through his breakdowns.

However, he's never been comfortable telling me he has a problem because he doesn't want to upset me or lose me. I pushed him to stop drinking vodka and he admitted to not wanting to stop during that time. After he put that bottle down he can now say he's happy I stood strong and helped him quit. He feels better physically and mentally.

With the recent relapse he keeps comparing it to the vodka. " I didn't want to quit drinking but I was able to. I don't want to do heroin so I know I can quit I've done it before without rehab"

And going back to support, he's not once been to a meeting in the past year and has no one to call. I've always wanted him to seek these types of avenues during recovery.
 
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Tinker I'm sorry to hear of your story. As much as it pains me, I have planned my exit. I did make him aware of this as well. Not to threaten or be harsh but to let him know there are consequences of choosing drugs. He says he wants to be clean more than anything for himself and for me. He says he doesn't want to go back to that life of not living just chasing the high. But I'm well aware he is probably still lying because that's what heroin does. He does nod off. It's something he's always done since I've met him due to prescribed klonopin and drinking.
 
OP, this situation is no doubt complicated. I've been "the boyfriend" on a couple of occasions and in the process have put people I've cared about through absolute hell. If we get down to brass tacks, the mistake - if you can call it a mistake - that these girls made was being too lenient toward my behavior. As an addict, generally when someone lets you slide, you either consciously or subconsciously realize you can keep fucking up and explain your way out of situations in the future.

Opiate withdrawal does not kill normal, healthy individuals as a general rule, so I would tell him that he has 72 hours to taper and be completely abstinent thereafter. Tell him that if he uses again, it's over. No excuses, no bullshit, no nothing. If you feel at all like you're being overbearing or "a bitch", then think about how much of a bitch he's being to you by stringing you along.

I know it's not pretty and you may be "in love", but you absolutely have to draw a line in the sand or you will be walked all over.
 
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