My boyfriend can't get hard enough or stay hard most of the time

[Rebecca914]

Hello, I'm new at this but we are searching for outside help. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 months and always had a sex issue. In the beginning I told him it was cuz of me. He has been alone for 15 years and his ex's were all like 80 pounds soaking wet. I'm not skinny like them, I weigh 150 pounds but he disagreed said it wasn't me. Well one day we got into a deep discussion and he said maybe I was right. He wasn't attracted to me sexually but he thought I was beautiful. So, me being in love, and I know it's killing me that he doesn't but I'm willing to try. But anyway, sometimes it works really well but others it doesn't and he gets so upset by it. Let me explain he was addicted to porn for the whole time he was alone and addicted to looking at pics of naked women on the internet. But he has stopped doing this for me. Any input would be nice, I truly love him in spite of this and want it to work..thanks

 

[Vados]

I might be able to offer some helpful advice as he sounds very much like me. I am also into those really petite girls and never had an issue getting an erection and keeping one with them. With larger girls it tends to be a problem and always has been even when I was teenager. Sometimes though, they would do or say just the right things, or they would fall into the morning boner trap, but the sex was never as good for me or for her.

The good news is that the two of you are willing to work together. He has given up porn, which is HUGE. So what have you thought about doing on your end? Have you thought about losing weight? You won't get down to his preference weight, but it really isn't about that. It's about proportions. The reason why some girls will look really good when they weigh 95-105 pounds is because they are also five foot-nothing. I don't know how tall you are, but this girl who goes to my gym is about 5'8 and weighs 156lbs and she is one of the finest physical specimens I have ever seen. I assure you that if you dropped 10-15 the right way, and get yourself into a sexy new dress, his cock will fly out of his pants to fuck you.

The other thing you can do is discuss the porn with him. Find out what about it he likes. If there is ANYTHING you like about it at all, tell him. If he was as into it as you say he was, I guarantee he wants nothing more than to share it with you. But you gotta be down. He has to know you're enjoying it with him or it just doesn't have the same effect. Ask him which girls he likes, and point out the ones you agree on and tell him what you like about them. Find girls you like and show them to him as well. If you watch videos together do the same, and he might even welcome comments about the men. Trust me, he admires their cocks and cum shots.

All of this will feed his attraction towards you. Any woman who strives to look good for her man and partakes in his porn adventures owns his heart and his cock.

 

[jammin83]

150 lbs aint a big woman. Fuck him if he needs you to lose weight for him to get a boner. Fuck him if he needs to feel like he is in a porn for him to get a boner. Girl, you need to get a little punk rock in you.

You sure he gave up the porn? Men lie about that stuff. He wasn't attracted to you sexually but he though you were beautiful...pffft. You should have slapped his ass for disrespecting you. Why the fuck is he with you if he wasn't sexually compatible with you? You guys just friends?

Does he do drugs? On medication? Have a medical reason for his issue? Old man? They have medicine for that type of thing.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure this is something that's going to work. Lots of red flags in the few sentences you put forth. What he is really getting out of the relationship? You pay the bills or what? Why are you the one putting in the work to make this work?

fwiw, I disagree with just about everything the above poster said.

 

[Vados]

Why do you disagree jammin83? Because I advised that she lose weight and watch porn with her boyfriend?

There is nothing wrong with telling someone to lose weight. Most people can stand to lose 10-15, and if that's offensive, then perhaps they should check their pussyometer. And if I have to point out that she should do it for herself, and not her BF, then it will fall on deaf ears anyway. I'd rather not insult the OP by filling her head with common sense. And I brought up the porn because I know for a fact that he hasn't given it up. His erections are not consistent, which also means he cums rarely if at all with her, so he has to shoot his load some time and somewhere. There is no need to chastise her BF for his need to have a sexual release, and that is also not what the OP came her seeking.

Medications, age, and drug use are all known for causing erection problems, but the OP already mentioned what the problem is. She's larger than his preferred type. He's a porn addict, and has been out of a relationship a really long time. So why even mention those things? She knows what the problem is, and has asked what she can do because she loves him and wants to excite him. All I see is a rant, not advise.

 

[jammin83]

Why do you disagree jammin83? Because I advised that she lose weight and watch porn with her boyfriend?

There is nothing wrong with telling someone to lose weight. Most people can stand to lose 10-15, and if that's offensive, then perhaps they should check their pussyometer. And if I have to point out that she should do it for herself, and not her BF, then it will fall on deaf ears anyway. I'd rather not insult the OP by filling her head with common sense. And I brought up the porn because I know for a fact that he hasn't given it up. His erections are not consistent, which also means he cums rarely if at all with her, so he has to shoot his load some time and somewhere. There is no need to chastise her BF for his need to have a sexual release, and that is also not what the OP came her seeking.

Medications, age, and drug use are all known for causing erection problems, but the OP already mentioned what the problem is. She's larger than his preferred type. He's a porn addict, and has been out of a relationship a really long time. So why even mention those things? She knows what the problem is, and has asked what she can do because she loves him and wants to excite him. All I see is a rant, not advise.

I like your style man. I liked pussyometer a lot. I just disagree. We can be friends.

I feel the issue here is the woman is feeling like there is something wrong with her for weighing 150lbs. Lots of women look great at that weight. You don't know she needs to lose 15 lbs. Sure, he needs to get off. Maybe she can do some things too. You're right. How much work is he putting in to do it? It seems pretty one sided to me. If he had an issue with porn, which some do, maybe that isn't the best idea.

 

[Vados]

I like your style man. I liked pussyometer a lot. I just disagree. We can be friends.

I feel the issue here is the woman is feeling like there is something wrong with her for weighing 150lbs. Lots of women look great at that weight. You don't know she needs to lose 15 lbs. Sure, he needs to get off. Maybe she can do some things too. You're right. How much work is he putting in to do it? It seems pretty one sided to me. If he had an issue with porn, which some do, maybe that isn't the best idea.

Of course we can be friends. I can certainly appreciate when someone knows I am not attacking them personally, and just pointing out what I feel is true. I'm one person, with one opinion. Up to the OP to decide which is true to her.

One thing we can agree on is that 150lbs can actually look good. I did point out the girl who goes to my gym. It just depends on how that weight is carried. The taller, the better. But reading the OP, we don't need to know how tall she is, we only need know that she is bigger than what her BF prefers. It's not a doom sentence though, especially considering that he finds her to be beautiful, which really goes a long way. BTW, losing 10-15lbs is actually quite easy. Try gaining 10-15lbs of pure muscle, which will make ANYONE look good.

If he has a true addiction to porn (quite rare actually), then yes, no good. But he has been out of a relationship for a long time. He's not used to getting laid, and she's attractive, just not the pornstar that he has accustomed himself to. That's the only issue. There is nothing wrong with either of them, they just need to communicate and figure out how to line up.

It is one-sided, but you're seeing it from the opposite side of the coin. We don't know the OP, so we have to go by what she says. She said he gave up the porn, but filled us in with very little of what she is doing on her part. Even though we know he hasn't truly given it up, the likelihood that the frequency has been reduced is pretty high. So he IS putting in an effort. But since I feel I am similar to her BF, I am telling it like it is:

Buy a black dress two sizes smaller than you, and work to get your ass in it. I GUARANTEE your man will plow the fucking shit out of you. Gods strike me down if I am not telling the truth.

 

[Clitnhawk]

I think both of you have very good points. And hell, there are women in the 250+ lb range who have no problem getting laid, having a BF, etc.

How tall are you, Rebecca? Losing 20lbs is easier than 50lbs. Your height can help determine the goal.

Still, having a healthy weight is good for your health and your sex drive. 150lbs on a 5-11" woman is pretty good. 150lbs on a 5-1" woman is not. I'm about 40lbs over-weight and I'm about to go work out in an hour. My wife is 100~105lbs. I've 230lbs, but I'm also naturally a big-built guy. There are men who are taller than me, weight less than me but look fatter than I do since I do have a lot of muscle.

It takes a healthy diet and exercise to control weight. I'll admit it, I am a bit fat and if I really worked harder on it, I could lose 10lbs a month easy, maybe 12lbs.

When I am 185lbs, I am able to attract women more so than when I'm 200. My clothes look better at lower weight. I know guys in their 40s and 50s who work out, eat right and they look better than most 20yr old men - guess which ones are picking up the chicks?

OP, the advice is good for both. But even for yourself - work on your health. With or without a man - it'll make you feel better and will cost you little. I like some muscle on my women...
I feel like shit because of my weight, I'm not referring to self-loathing, I mean how my body feels... I'm not as strong as I usually am and it increases health problems. It reduces my sex drive too! For every 10min of sex I can do today, I could do 30min at 190lbs before I get too tired.

You'll feel better about yourself too!
He says your beautiful because he believes it... that's cool on his part. There are big beautiful women out there. There are ugly stick chicks out there as well.
See if he'll do work outs with you. Buy a $100~140 bike at Target or walmart, not the $70 ones. Its easy on the feet, its fun and is something you both can do together.

 

[Rebecca914]

Thank you all for the advice, I'm 5'3, I have a 5 year old son that I had to have by csection, but I gained a lot of weight after that cuz I went into a bad depression but yes I'm still over weight and I'm trying to lose it all, hell just last year alone I lost 70 pounds which I'm proud of but he doesn't see that. I've offered to watch porn with him but he said he would feel bad cuz he would be thinking of that girl and not me. I live with him now and since I've been here I've been losing weight, it's a battle but I'm doing it...

 

[Rebecca914]

no he's not on drugs or anything, he's a very health conscious person, he's very active and physically fit..

 

[Rebecca914]

Oh and I went from size 22 jeans to size 12 just last year and I thought I was good but then well yeah that happened...but we do love each other very much, it's just frustrating for both of us

 

[jammin83]

I just don't want your self image to make you self conscience. Women always talk about self confidence with men. It works both ways. If you were to take charge of the situation, maybe the dynamic would be different psychologically. That can play a bigger part. If you were ready and waiting and demanding to get some dick, most guys would love that.

That's a huge accomplishment losing 70 lbs btw, you should be really proud of yourself. Losing weight is no easy task.

There is a lot more to the sex that me and my gf have besides physical. As our mental connection grows stronger, the physical means less. We both have our negative things about us physically, I have kind of a beer gut atm, my nose is too big, my teeth aren't bright white, but I got swag and confidence. My woman is very beautiful, she's not a super model, but that doesn't bother me one bit. She's in better shape than me, but she doesn't work out really, and she's 6 years younger. I'm really into her and we have great sex. Even after 7 years are sex keeps getting better.

For me, I've been told I look better with weight on me. I've been strung out a lot, on various drugs, whatever...and I get really skinny if I am not taking care of my body and mind. I'm six feet tall and have a skinny person body. When I was up around 200 people said I looked good even though, for me, I was obviously over weight, and had a belly and everything. Haven't fully lost my belly yet but I'm going to take getting in better shape more seriously soon. I just think the double standard is silly. Dad-bod is in. Women have to weigh 120 lbs or less to be attractive. Not really fair or very reasonable but that's our culture atm.

Do what you need to do, but do it for yourself. It's fine to do it for your man too, so long as it doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. Don't put up with him not giving you credit for the tremendous amount of effort you are putting in. I think its commendable.

Best of luck.

 

[Vados]

no he's not on drugs or anything, he's a very health conscious person, he's very active and physically fit..

This explains the type he's into. People are drawn to traits they like about themselves in others.

Congratulations on all the weight you have lost. It's quite a battle, and post pregnancy makes things even harder. At 5'3, you should be around the 115-130 range depending on your age. If your BF works out, I'd let him know you're interested in joining him. Having a workout buddy really helps with motivation.

As for the porn, how he feels is understandable based off of what you have expressed with him. And I should mention that looking at the women your man gets off to definitely takes a certain amount of security on your part. If you are secure, I would let him know to ease his anxiety. I'd like to believe that some guys prefer to be alone with their porn, but in all honesty if they are aware that their SO watches it on her own, or find out, they get crazy excited to indulge with their partners.

 

[socko]

The first thing you said might be the reason. Sexual attractiveness can be different from beauty. Some (many) men do not find big girls to be sexually attractive. It turns out that it's more of a fetish unless the guy himself is fat as well. I think I can speak for many men. Call me shallow if you need to, but it's a physiological response I have no control over, much like being gay versus straight. I was friends with a girl who was somewhat overweight. It turned out that she had feelings for me. I liked her as a friend, but I didn't have a girlfriend so I thought I would try it. Even after taking a handful of viagra (1 or 2 had no effect), it was still impossible to have sex with her. I have never had problems with women who are in good shape. So, hit the gym, and build up a strong body and keep the body fat down (to European or Asian standards, not American standards - 60% of American adults are obese according to the CDC.) Or just find a man who is also somewhat overweight and don't worry about what you look like. Most men are obese nowadays.

 

[Rebecca914]

Thank you for the encouragement, km not sure what I'm doing now. It's been an up and down weekend, he came clean about some stuff which truly hurt but then lastnight he admitted to being grossed out by me cuz my stomach isn't perfectly flat, actually said those exact words...I am trying but damn...

 

[socko]

Thank you for the encouragement, km not sure what I'm doing now. It's been an up and down weekend, he came clean about some stuff which truly hurt but then lastnight he admitted to being grossed out by me cuz my stomach isn't perfectly flat, actually said those exact words...I am trying but damn...

Cardio around an hour a day 3 or 4 days a week. Weight training 15 minutes a day for 2 days a week on days you are not doing cardio. Streches (yoga) 15 minutes or so after each workout. You will be trim and have firm muscles withing 2 months. If his attitude doesn't change by then, it's him and not you. Thanks to your new level of fitness and firm body, you will have no problem finding somebody else. it doesn't matter if you do it for him or for you. In the end, you will feel better physically and emotionally and be healthier.

This is important - if you stick with a fitness schedule like that, judge your progress by your clothing size, not by your weight. Muscle is denser than fat. So when you are down to size 6, 5 or less but weigh 130 pounds, congratulate yourself because that is muscle, not flab.

 

[Rebecca914]

Thank you so much, wish me luck, I'm doing this...the only thing that sucks is he's all I have for support during this. I moved from N.Y. to Florida to be with him. So it's pretty much just us, well and his friends

 

[Vados]

Thank you for the encouragement, km not sure what I'm doing now. It's been an up and down weekend, he came clean about some stuff which truly hurt but then lastnight he admitted to being grossed out by me cuz my stomach isn't perfectly flat, actually said those exact words...I am trying but damn...

Whoa! There is a time and place for brutal honesty. You use it only when it is constructive, and that isn't something you tell your partner when she's putting in the effort to better herself. I'd be stern with him, and tell him to never fucking say that to you again. Ever.

socko gave you some really good pointers to go by. However, I want to inform you that your diet is the key to losing weight. In fact, it's about 85% of it. You'll waste your time in a gym if you don't have a good nutrition plan. Yes, you've had a baby, but the rules of weight loss apply to you all the same. You need to burn more calories than you consume, simple as that. Cardio is not required to lose weight. It is the most efficient calorie burner, but I would actually place your priority on learning and doing compound weightlifting. This is will help greatly with making sure that the weight you do lose is all water and fat. You don't want to lose your lean body mass.

 

[Rebecca914]

Thank you, yeah I'm getting back into eating healthy, I was doing great but not healthy, I wouldn't eat hardly at all, maybe yogurt and toast all day but now I'm trying to incorporate healthy foods into it

 

[Streetcow]

Ask him what the perfect woman is to him and that you can't stand not being enough for him then just do what ever it takes to achieve it it may sound like average advice but if you try it you would be amazed at the results but remember don't change so much that your unrecognizable and really work at it remember this in the darkest of times "you go as far as your desire go's" that one quote one day I realized got me a six pack drugs and lots of stuff my friend

best of luck

-Streetcow

 

[socko]

...lastnight he admitted to being grossed out by me cuz my stomach isn't perfectly flat, actually said those exact words...I am trying but damn...

I didn't catch that until vados pointed it out. That was a horrible thing for him to say. I can't believe he would talk to you that way. It's no where near being a constructive criticism and is just nasty.
Tehre are many good ways to control weight. A combination of diet and exercise is the best, but I would be a hypocrite if I told you to diet. I live in the food capitol of the world, and I would be missing out on one of the best things in life if I dieted. Instead, I eat whatever I want, but I have to pay for it by exercising extra hard.