It is a little more than feeling connected to her because of our time together, I do feel responsible for her, but, when I really think about it, would I even be sober right now if I hadn't had to get sober for her/with her? I don't really think so, I was certain meth was beneficial to me, it made me who I always wanted to be, confident, outgoing and way less neurotic. I also loved where I was at, I had so much respect from the people around me for what I went through. I felt like I no longer had to prove myself, people respected me, and I got a bunch of free drugs. I was so in there I don't really even want to get into any more than this.
All this is of course is what attracted her to me. What attracted me to her at first was of course her beauty, but the way she didn't act like it, she had no idea how beautiful she was. She was so kind... you know to the extent that you can be when you put heroin before anything else in your life, but as long as she was hooked up and not nupping out, she was always thinking about others, sometimes it was a little late for her to care because of the way time would just disappear for her, but the care was always there The want to help was always there, and to me it seemed as though the only standing in the way was her addiction and honestly since she has been with me I have probably made her less caring because of how uncaring I am, I almost make her be less caring towards me and others so I can feel better about myself.
You can say that I am caring because look, I got her off H, but thats the thing, once that was what I decided to do, nobody else mattered, nothing got in my way. I kept her from her friends and her family and I kept her frome my friends and family, nobody who could be a negative influence, there are probably in jail wondering why they haven't heard from me. Because it was just like that, I tried getting her sober willingly, and after 2 relapses, one night me and her just disappeared, she went kicking and screaming the whole way, literally, she cracked the windshield of the car. The car was her parents car and I stole her parents car and took her to a safe place I knew. Her parents thought I had kidnapped her, there was a private investigator hired and everything (which was funny because I thought I was just beeing paranoid about somebody with different plates following me around from another state and it turned out that it was actually the private investigator following me around) I had her call her parents once we were safe and tell them what was going on, but I guess they didn't believe her until they knew first hand. It was reckless and stupid, but like I said, I just didn't give a fuck, I wanted her sober and thats what I got.
She is still one of the most caring people I know, but she just doesn't do sobriety, I tried getting her to quit cigs with me and after about 4 hours she was yelling at me and throwing a tantrum like a little child, made me realize that she must have really wanted to get off H to have gotten sober three times. I know I have said alot of negative things about her, but she really is a great person. Just really fucking challenged and challenging, it has been over 2 years of dealing with this shit and I have been unable to talk to anybody about it, and then she had to go get fucking high again.... I haven't drunk coffee all day today and it has taken me a really long time to write this and my brain feels tired as fuck, so I am going to leave it at that for now, I have resumes to hand out and I will probably have to go start some quick side work so I can keep my head above the water and all I want right now is a cup of coffee without feeling like I am high...... And now I just remembered what I wanted to say.
when you wrote er morphine I thought you mean er like uuuuh morphine or something. now I get you meant ER as in hospital emergency room morphine. Hospitals are so fucking stupid. A large part of the old client base were ex perscription junkies. It is so fucked up what they give people, without even warning them how addictive it is. Makes me sick... not that I was much better, but if not one person than they will go to other right?... ANyway, my brain is so tired right now. I will get back to this later.