hungryman52
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2017
- Messages
- 58
I smoked, ate and shot meth and some heroin for quite some time, I have been sober for 2 years now, minus 2 small incidents which I hugely regreted directly after.
The first one it had been just over a year and I snorted two lines, I was up all night and then had to work the next day coming down and I hated every minute of it, there was of course the initial high I was awake talkative and happy enough, but then as I was walking home I was so angry and disapointed with myself and then I couldn't sleep and I had to go to work the next day with no sleep and coming down off what I know was some terrible quality meth as I had never had a comedown quite like it (dry mouth, sweaty palms, teeth grinding, a ponding headache, extreme anxiety and the want to vomit).
The second time was maybe 2 moths later and I smoked it (A huge part of my addiction had been the ritual of smoking, I still get jittery thinking about rolling the bowl and blowing out that huge cloud of smoke, OMG I feel the cravings!!!) once again I was awake and talkative, I drove home and got into bed with my girlfriend and told her what I had done, she wasnt particularly bothered and kinda wanted to fuck me as I can go for hours when I am high and she met me when I was still high. I was so angry and disapointed with myself again, that and I was coming down off what was evidently once again some of the worst shit I had ever had. (thats what I get for sharing in someone elses stash 2 different people, same location). I was unable to perform due to how angry I was with myself, to the disapointment of my girl who proceeded to massage me and other thing to try and calm me. Luckily I did not have to work the next day this time and this knowledge ironically helped me to sleep it off before daylight. once again I was horribly anxious dry and sweaty and I just wanted to die to be totally honest.... or shrink into a small hole and never come out again my self esteem was so low and I just wanted it to end. Both times I was heavily inder the influence of alcohol so I am sure that was part of why I felt so crapy the next day.
I have avoided meth since and I have had no will to do it, I still want to roll a bowl and blow out that glorious cloud, but I no longer crave the feeling meth brings me after the last two times. Although I don't really have an addictive personality... other than alcohol I seem to be able to start and stop anything, I quit smokeng maybe 4 months after I quit meth, I still smoke a cigarette every couple of weeks or so sometimes for a week sometimes not for a month, it really depends on who I am around or what I am doing. Heroin for me was pretty easy to drop as I only smoked it and I rarely ever smoked it as I don't really like downers... at all, no pills, no heroin, no weed, no xanax.
Anyway back to the point, now I am sober I drink like a fish.... so I guess im not sober.... although I am now down to a sixpack a night for the past three days. Since I stopped smoking meth I have noticed my ability to remember things is severely diminished, even simple things like what I was just talking about a few seconds ago, sometimes my girlfriend says I talk to myself and when she asks me what I was talking about I have 0 recollection of what the fuck I was doing, its like I just drift off sometimes. It is incredibly hard for me to focus on anything for more than half an hour, (my sex drive hasn't changed much, if at all though, which is good I guess) my vocabulary has diminished immensely and words I used to use regularly are as good as gone forever to me, by mid day I am completely brain dead unless I drink a fuck ton of coffee which brings me to the second and shorter half of this already longer than was expected post.
Coffee, coffee, coffee it brings me back to life, I can stay focused alert awake I am able to remember things it puts a spring in my step and keeps me alert like I used to be, infact it makes me feel like I am high on meth, but then I have a horrible comedown I get anxious sweaty palms, sick to the stomach, and I mean really anxious, like I just can't sit still and the longer I fight it the more anxious I get till I find myself practically tweaking out around the house, the first few times I actually thought someone had spiked my coffe with meth and still when I am coming down I get paranoid about somebody having spike my drink with meth, even when I buy coffee from starbucks. I know it is irrational, but I feel like I am coming down off meth so much that even now I am wondering if I keep getting unlucky with where I am getting my coffee. I am even grinding my teeth. and fiddling with a tennis ball every time I stop typing to think (i just realized it).
I need coffee in order to function like a normal human beeing but the comedown is killing me, its almost to the point where I may as well just be smoking meth, I even feel like I need to hide myself away when I am coming down cause I feel like people might think I am high on meth. I can't sleep and I have to drink myself to sleep. It feels like an endless cycle.
My question is, does anybody else suffer from this, is there a good replacement for caffeine? Am I doing something wrong? WTF can I do to get my life back? I just want my brain to be the way it was, to be able to recall facts right away and keep up with a conversation for more than a couple of minutes....
The first one it had been just over a year and I snorted two lines, I was up all night and then had to work the next day coming down and I hated every minute of it, there was of course the initial high I was awake talkative and happy enough, but then as I was walking home I was so angry and disapointed with myself and then I couldn't sleep and I had to go to work the next day with no sleep and coming down off what I know was some terrible quality meth as I had never had a comedown quite like it (dry mouth, sweaty palms, teeth grinding, a ponding headache, extreme anxiety and the want to vomit).
The second time was maybe 2 moths later and I smoked it (A huge part of my addiction had been the ritual of smoking, I still get jittery thinking about rolling the bowl and blowing out that huge cloud of smoke, OMG I feel the cravings!!!) once again I was awake and talkative, I drove home and got into bed with my girlfriend and told her what I had done, she wasnt particularly bothered and kinda wanted to fuck me as I can go for hours when I am high and she met me when I was still high. I was so angry and disapointed with myself again, that and I was coming down off what was evidently once again some of the worst shit I had ever had. (thats what I get for sharing in someone elses stash 2 different people, same location). I was unable to perform due to how angry I was with myself, to the disapointment of my girl who proceeded to massage me and other thing to try and calm me. Luckily I did not have to work the next day this time and this knowledge ironically helped me to sleep it off before daylight. once again I was horribly anxious dry and sweaty and I just wanted to die to be totally honest.... or shrink into a small hole and never come out again my self esteem was so low and I just wanted it to end. Both times I was heavily inder the influence of alcohol so I am sure that was part of why I felt so crapy the next day.
I have avoided meth since and I have had no will to do it, I still want to roll a bowl and blow out that glorious cloud, but I no longer crave the feeling meth brings me after the last two times. Although I don't really have an addictive personality... other than alcohol I seem to be able to start and stop anything, I quit smokeng maybe 4 months after I quit meth, I still smoke a cigarette every couple of weeks or so sometimes for a week sometimes not for a month, it really depends on who I am around or what I am doing. Heroin for me was pretty easy to drop as I only smoked it and I rarely ever smoked it as I don't really like downers... at all, no pills, no heroin, no weed, no xanax.
Anyway back to the point, now I am sober I drink like a fish.... so I guess im not sober.... although I am now down to a sixpack a night for the past three days. Since I stopped smoking meth I have noticed my ability to remember things is severely diminished, even simple things like what I was just talking about a few seconds ago, sometimes my girlfriend says I talk to myself and when she asks me what I was talking about I have 0 recollection of what the fuck I was doing, its like I just drift off sometimes. It is incredibly hard for me to focus on anything for more than half an hour, (my sex drive hasn't changed much, if at all though, which is good I guess) my vocabulary has diminished immensely and words I used to use regularly are as good as gone forever to me, by mid day I am completely brain dead unless I drink a fuck ton of coffee which brings me to the second and shorter half of this already longer than was expected post.
Coffee, coffee, coffee it brings me back to life, I can stay focused alert awake I am able to remember things it puts a spring in my step and keeps me alert like I used to be, infact it makes me feel like I am high on meth, but then I have a horrible comedown I get anxious sweaty palms, sick to the stomach, and I mean really anxious, like I just can't sit still and the longer I fight it the more anxious I get till I find myself practically tweaking out around the house, the first few times I actually thought someone had spiked my coffe with meth and still when I am coming down I get paranoid about somebody having spike my drink with meth, even when I buy coffee from starbucks. I know it is irrational, but I feel like I am coming down off meth so much that even now I am wondering if I keep getting unlucky with where I am getting my coffee. I am even grinding my teeth. and fiddling with a tennis ball every time I stop typing to think (i just realized it).
I need coffee in order to function like a normal human beeing but the comedown is killing me, its almost to the point where I may as well just be smoking meth, I even feel like I need to hide myself away when I am coming down cause I feel like people might think I am high on meth. I can't sleep and I have to drink myself to sleep. It feels like an endless cycle.
My question is, does anybody else suffer from this, is there a good replacement for caffeine? Am I doing something wrong? WTF can I do to get my life back? I just want my brain to be the way it was, to be able to recall facts right away and keep up with a conversation for more than a couple of minutes....