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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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I think that learning to tell go is also a stage in recovery. People always talk about how they eventually reached a point where they stopped trying and let it be in basically any condition (be it this or even a breakup), but I think that being able to adapt that attitude is a sign that you're really starting to recover and not necessarily a strategy. I recognize the same thing in a lot of other things I went through (from panic disorder to breakups and even debt) and I noticed a pattern that eventually you learn to accept. But I also think it's important to know that in the beginning it's okay if you aren't able to let go just yet, otherwise you might feel left out because you aren't able to let go like the others. I know I definitely felt this in the first months.

Also I'm definitely with you guys on hypochrondia lol. I had a complete checkup for thyroid disorders/adrenal fatigue/gluten sensitivity/vitamin and mineral deficiencies etc and I 'm basically fine even though every day I feel like I'm on the edge of disease and insanity. I can remember being scared to take L-Tryptophan in my first month because I read it could lead to a manic reaction in people with bipolar and I somehow thought I had bipolar.
 
Remember that guy ''Scaredfirsttimer'' I think? Did his LTC started after his first roll? And does anyone know if he was on anything prescribbed or ANYTHING at all?

I'm just curious if this guy was absolutelly perfect and that one MDMA experience fucked him over. If yes, this is absolutelly unfair.

And did he take anything BEFORE or AFTER? maybe we could find the cause
 
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Dude I still deal with hypochondria. While I can manage the idea of getting some terrible illness pops in my head if I let my mind wander too much.

Life is short. Something is eventually going to kill me. I'd rather have fun than spend my entire life worrying about it ending. Focus on the things you can control and deal with the things you can't.

I'm going to Paradiso this weekend at the Gorge. It will be my fourth time rolling since overcoming my LTC. I'm so excited. Life gets better guys, I promise.
 
me2point0 said:
Remember that guy ''Scaredfirsttimer'' I think? Did his LTC started after his first roll? And does anyone know if he was on anything prescribbed or ANYTHING at all?

I'm just curious if this guy was absolutelly perfect and that one MDMA experience fucked him over. If yes, this is absolutelly unfair.

And did he take anything BEFORE or AFTER? maybe we could find the cause
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It started after my first and only roll, a little over 7 months ago. I had no childhood trauma, no stress in my life. In fact I was at the happiest and most content place in my life when rolling, so the stress theory you guys talked about in this thread does not apply to me. I did drink alcohol that weekend though, it might have contributed to the neurotoxicity. I've never been on any form of medication in my life.

This experience is not unique to me though, many people on BL has suffered this from only one time with MDMA, and no history with anything prior to taking it.
 
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Sucks... SFT...

I made the mistake of taking vyvanse 40mg as I said 20 timea two and half days after my first roll and I thought that my depleted serotonin woulda been damaged by the dopamine from the vyvanse.

We'll get better man, all thats left for me is physical. Dizzyness and chest pains. Holy shit im pulling through.

Life ain't fair :(

Dawglaw im sure your going to have an amazing trip man ! Trip repport !!!!
 
No shit it sucks. After reading the post where you asked about my condition I got a sudden sense of despair and sadness.

Because of this LTC I've lost so many opportunities, I've had to skip so many social situations. I don't think I've lost any friends, but some of them does not understand what's happened to me, because I haven't really told them. I've had a relationship with a chick for this whole time, but I've decided to end it now as I feel like I need to get through this alone. With my focus solely on myself. Even though I like her, and she likes me... All this can make me really sad.

Or I can just accept that the universe has presented me with the biggest challenge of my life, and push through. I'm working out regularly, and I'm as fit as I've ever been. I've signed up for some further education through work, and I'm very excited to start it this fall. I really think I've gotten almost all of my charisma back, and I've decided to go out sober as much as possible this summer. I'm staying at my parents for most of the summer, and I got some FB messages from some chicks I know in this area, and I noticed that I got my killer instinct back! ;)
If I am careful with sleep, and make sure that I can sleep uninterrupted by anything, I feel awesome the day after. I actually feel fucking great 90% of the time now. I am genuinely happy a big chunk of the time, and that is what I need to focus on.

I believe and hope that I will reach something very close to a recovery by the 1 year mark :)
 
MDMA Recovery from abuse/heavy use

Blue Lighters,

I read the above post just now so I am posting this to explain my story into recovery. October of 2013 I went on a 3 day binge. I consumed an 8 ball (3.5 g) of MDMA by myself home alone not even at a Rave or a party. the first day I consumed 1.25 g making my own pills, railing some, and parachuting the remainder (leaving a bump) which I then railed to end the night. I nearly drowned myself consuming 1.5 gallons of water. I did all of this within a 2-5 hr window using. I was rolling all night not able to sleep.

Then Day number 2 came around... That morning I took 4 points to start off my roll. I felt Iimmediately after that I had succeeded my limit (Not to mention i was still feeling a solid roll from the previous night). I became paranoid, left the house to smoke cannabis which I though would help me calm down. It gave me a more intense/different lift-off. I continued taking bumps and pill capsules of which I measured out throughout the day. I managed to begin eating a couple slices of toast, taking gummi vitamins (standard amount of 2) a glass of e-mergency (vitamin c packet) and back at it after a two hr period of digesting the only nutrition I had that specific day. I had consumed a total of 1.25 g on this day hardley drinking any more water due to being cautious about the ability to overhydrate and die. I was able to listen to music, watch t.v. and play video games throught the day of using. Epic, nieve and stupid it was. I slept maybe 4 hrs that night.

Day 3 followed and I had 0.5 g left. I knew in my mind I had to make it count and I had to make it last. I started out the morning with 2 points, eyes still wide and pupils continuously dialated from the start of day 1 until this day on number 3 consecutively. I straight up felt sick. I smoked some tobacco to calm down which allowed me to finish the rest of the MDMA I had.

I had slow reaction time the entire 4 weeks (little over a month) following my binge. My brain was fried and I felt I was getting stupider by the day for the first couple weeks. I could hear/feel the chemicals in my brain shifting, my left temple pounding. The left side of my forehead was looking slightly indented as if I had lost mass under that area of my scalp. My skin completely yellow, bug eyes wide open, felt so I'll I took a shower while finally coming down off my last parachute only to start sweating yet again and pupils dialating more. I made myself a pb and j sandwhich with a glass of cranberry juice and through still rolling felt much better physically.

the weeks recovering afterwards were the reinerating fact that I had caused issues in my central nervous system in my brain and my cerebral cortex (controling motor functions) was lacking many simple capabilities to the extreme I thought I was larger than life and in reality had difficulties doing every day things until 2 months after this event not using. I currently feel I am at 75% the brain copacity I was at before this event. I am greatful I am in recovery and my life does not look like that in present time. It was not my last time using like this though it is one of the last times I remember using. Please be smart and safe out there and do not over do it like the 15+ ppl at Paradiso 2013. Much love - Dwheezy
 
me2point0 said:
Remember that guy ''Scaredfirsttimer'' I think? Did his LTC started after his first roll? And does anyone know if he was on anything prescribbed or ANYTHING at all?

I'm just curious if this guy was absolutelly perfect and that one MDMA experience fucked him over. If yes, this is absolutelly unfair.

And did he take anything BEFORE or AFTER? maybe we could find the cause
Click to expand...

I believe so, he still posts here so I'm sure he'll respond. But I too have never touched XTC before (in fact the night of rolling I was sober of any drugs and alcohol for 6 years (only did weed and a a couple of shrooms when I was 16) and one single pill gave me the following when tuesday hit:

- hypoglycemia
- short term memory loss
- unable to think abstractly
- sensory overload
- light sensitivity
- sound sensitivity
- bladder problems
- taste sensitivity
- dizziness
- fatigue
- depression
- anxiety
- insomnia
- derealization
- depersonalization
- hppd with music and night time musical hallucinations

I went from being a self employed go getter to being afraid to leave the house in one night. I'm now on month 4,5.

?
 
coderbrah said:
- hppd with music and night time musical hallucinations
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That's really weird, walking home from a day at the pub the other night I swear when anything loud came into my hearing I kept hearing this song I know. I thought I was going crazy, went away after a nights sleep though. Truly strange though.
 
thejibberman said:
That's really weird, walking home from a day at the pub the other night I swear when anything loud came into my hearing I kept hearing this song I know. I thought I was going crazy, went away after a nights sleep though. Truly strange though.
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Exactly this. I only get it at night when theres a moderatly loud whitenoise source nearby. I then start to hear 5 seconds of a song on repeat (like whats usually stuck in your head, except now im hearing it)
 
dwheezy said:
Please be smart and safe out there and do not over do it like the 15+ ppl at Paradiso 2013. Much love - Dwheezy
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I will man. After my experience with my LTC I follow all of the HR rules - proper dose, test every time, wait the proper amount of time, and I always carry a camel pack at hot outdoor festivals.

Learning the hard way ensures you are a real stickler about the rules. My friends are always baffled why I demanded we test everything - until one time the marquis turned green in front of them.
 
Dawglaw said:
I will man. After my experience with my LTC I follow all of the HR rules - proper dose, test every time, wait the proper amount of time, and I always carry a camel pack at hot outdoor festivals.

Learning the hard way ensures you are a real stickler about the rules. My friends are always baffled why I demanded we test everything - until one time the marquis turned green in front of them.
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Did you get your LTC after your first XTC pill? How was the first time you rolled after your LTC?
 
imabicycle said:
Scaredfirsttimer, when did anxiety start to improve?
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It improved greatly at somewhere between the second and third month. After that I was relatively anxiety-free for a couple of months. For the last couple of months I've been experiencing anxiety, ranging from mild to severe, intermittently. At this moment, 7 months in, I would say that my baseline is totally anxiety free.

Edit: It is hard to say exactly how I felt at the 3 month mark. I felt that I was completely free of anxiety, but I probably wasn't. Up until 1,5 - 2 months I would get hit with unbearable dread/suicidal anxiety. I don't really know how to explain it. It was just an intense hopelessness that would follow the fluctuating anxiety, and an innate property of that experience was feeling that suicide was, and had always been, the only option.
I remember that the last time I got it was close to the 2nd month mark. When I noticed that I did not get that anymore, despite having anxiety, I got so relieved that I think I considered myself free of anxiety.

Despite having some "setbacks", I never experienced that feeling again, and I am extremely thankful for it.
 
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I don't remember exactly but it was my 4th-6th roll spread out over about 7 years. I did not test it and I was really drunk and re dosed 6 hours after taking it.

The first roll was about 3 months after I decided that I had fully recovered. It gave me nasty DP/DR for about a week. I thought I was fucked again but I used the mindfulness and other techniques that I learned from my first come down to calm myself down and the come down completely went away in a few days. This was proof for me that my come down was a stress reaction and my subsequent obsession re brain damage and other physical damage just fueled the fire and made my LTC way worse.

The second time rolling was 14 months after my first come down and I took 4acodmt with my roll. I had a great time and did some introspective thought about my come down and then had an absolute awesome night. No come down whatsoever besides the physical and mental slowness that comes after partying your ass off at a 3 day fesitval.

Since then I have rolled a few times zero problems outside of a mild hangover.

I think my LTC stemmed from some hidden demons that I didn't know existed coupled with a ton of stress and the bad drugs sent me other the edge. I had just finkshed law school finals was working 65 hour weeks and was in a toxic relationship.

Once I was able to work through my personal issues and learn how to chanel my stress anxiety in a positive way I felt better. No more brain fog DP Dr or blurry vision.
 
This is what bothers me I wasnt stressed at all, not even a little bit. I feel like I should improve by now. I havent relaxed a single muscle for months.
 
Btw pmz despite this anxiety which is crippling ive regained my musical appreciation pretty much completely so theres hope for you! While I was struggling I learned myself again by listening music that doesnt allow you to think, like terror and frechcore, though this is not for everyone. Also I used to be a dnb guy, but I found that broadening my mind and listening different stuff like goa helped me a lot. I remember you had this problem.
 
imabicycle said:
Btw pmz despite this anxiety which is crippling ive regained my musical appreciation pretty much completely so theres hope for you! While I was struggling I learned myself again by listening music that doesnt allow you to think, like terror and frechcore, though this is not for everyone. Also I used to be a dnb guy, but I found that broadening my mind and listening different stuff like goa helped me a lot. I remember you had this problem.
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Would you ever consider seeking medical attention for the anxiety? It sounds like it's affecting you severely, and, perhaps some sort of treatment may be able to help you more than it could hurt.

I also had crippling anxiety after my bad roll, and despite the potential risks associated with the medical/therapeutic usage of benzodiazepine prescription drugs, being prescribed Xanax (Alprazolam) about 6 months after becoming ill immediately provided me with an enormous amount of relief in relation to a few of my symptoms, such as insomnia, vivid dreams, intrusive thoughts, uncomfortable awareness of heartbeat, panic attacks, nervousness, worrying about everything, and so forth. It made a gigantic difference in my ability to function. And it also - somehow - reduced the severity of the brain fogginess which constantly clouded my mind.

I'm not a fan of prescription medication, and as such I recall being quite scared of trying to use the Xanax for the first time, but once I did, it began working within minutes and calmed me down immensely, which helped remove any fears I had about taking it.

Since starting Xanax (Alprazolam), it was made clear to me that combining it with alcohol or other depressant ("downer") drugs could result in death (worst case scenario). So I stopped drinking and went from there, but I'm glad that I mustered the courage to seek medical attention, and to try some medication, because if I hadn't, perhaps I may not have recovered (which would have probably driven me to commit suicide).

I should note however that before becoming ill, I used to use ecstasy like a madman for years. I'm talking like once a week on average, and I never bothered to test anything. It was INCREDIBLY reckless of me, and I deeply regret being so irresponsible with my health. And I'm so grateful to be alive and nearly back to normal - I'll never take my health for granted again (so long as I'm knowledgeable about risking it).
 
I actually was at benzos in start but doctor wouldnt give me anymore cause im dutch and theyrr strict here. Which is a good thing cause looking back i wouldve become addicted. Also right now i dont even want them for occasionsl use cause im afraid theyll only slow down healing. Dont you? Apart from that starting tomorrow i have holiday, and im just gonne sport everyday avoid all stressors and than go to Italy. Im hoping this will fix me up. Learning exams may have put some strain on me. I admit im whining a bit in my posts. Also I promised my parents id go cbt if I dont heal over holiday. I really feel like I should over come this myself if possible. Dont like idea of cbt. Should be able to with loving familyvat home I feel it just takes so long. Cheersctnx for heling u an daglaw are heroes. Typed this on iphone with rly tense muscles :p
 
imabicycle said:
I actually was at benzos in start but doctor wouldnt give me anymore cause im dutch and theyrr strict here. Which is a good thing cause looking back i wouldve become addicted. Also right now i dont even want them for occasionsl use cause im afraid theyll only slow down healing. Dont you? Apart from that starting tomorrow i have holiday, and im just gonne sport everyday avoid all stressors and than go to Italy. Im hoping this will fix me up. Learning exams may have put some strain on me. I admit im whining a bit in my posts. Also I promised my parents id go cbt if I dont heal over holiday. I really feel like I should over come this myself if possible. Dont like idea of cbt. Should be able to with loving familyvat home I feel it just takes so long. Cheersctnx for heling u an daglaw are heroes. Typed this on iphone with rly tense muscles :p
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Oh, so you've already tried a benzo, huh?

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you increased the dosage without the doctor's knowledge?

Regarding addiction to benzos - I've been on Xanax (Alprazolam) for about 8.5 years now, and luckily I haven't had any issues with increasing my dosage. That being said, I am heavily dependent on it, meaning that if I suddenly stop taking any, I'll go into acute withdrawal. But there's a difference between physical dependency and addiction. Just to give you an idea of the difference - I tend to forget many times that I need to take my Xanax, until I begin to feel very anxious. This happened to me repeatedly while I was in rehab for an unrelated problem, and the three doctors who looked after me there sent a note to my psychiatrist telling him that I'm not a risk to abuse my Xanax, because according to them, I "repeatedly forget to come and dose my meds."

That being said, benzos are not helpful for everyone.

And by the way, I was extremely skeptical about CBT before I tried it. I am not skeptical anymore because it actually worked for me, and it was incredibly refreshing because I was able to solve a mental health issue (unrelated to my bad roll) without the use of another prescription drug. So definitely give CBT a try if you can, as it may end up surprising you.

I'm gonna shut up now, good luck and be well :)
 
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