Budal202
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2015
- Messages
- 73
accidentally deleted my post
(see how I am stunned)
Hello guys. Please, read my story. First of all, i'm brazilian and i'm feeling so alone when it comes to mdma abuse discussion. There are no forums or any other place i can have a conversation about what happened to me in my language. Luckely i know a little english but i'm pretty sure that incorrect things will be written here, but please, try to read my story because i have no one to help me in here. I'll try to resume it in every way i can.
So I started doing mdma december 2014. First time i took it was the best day of my life, that happened after the end of a 2 years relationship and i felt like that was exactly what i needed. I don't know what the fuck is happening with my country but in here it seems to be normal to take 2, 3 pills at night, everyone talks like it was normal (i think the ammount of mdma in a brazilian pill is a little less than in other countries, so the second time i took 2 pills, just 2 weekends after first time. my eyes turned, i was really drugged but i was cool. i Started to take ecstasy every three weeks, but when it came fifth time it became clear that the same dose had no effect anymore.
Well i kept taking it, never more than 2 pills. I reduced the frequency of use to once in a month and the quantity too, sometimes i just needed 1 pill and partied whole night. my count is approximately 26 pills from december to July. Let's disconsider 6 of them that was probably fake or very very weak; the beginning of my downfall was on July 13. I went to a electronic music party and bought 4 pills to take there. I took the first pill at 9 p.m., before even getting into the party. I did not felt even close to 1/10 of the feeling I had the first i did E, but i felt the effects of mdma. After an hour I took another one, felt the music but i was still i little tired, looked like it was pretty weak pills. I took one every hour but still have not had a satisfactory effect. I really don't know if those were weak pills or not, it gives me a little hope to think they were, so i actually didnt had an enormous quantity in that night. Not satisfied, bought two more pills from random guys and took then both. Now yes! I fucking fell the vibe, it was awesome. I've read many stories in this forum, and I know most of you use to buy the drugs before going to the parties, but I'm almost 100% sure it was real ecstasy. There could be other substances together but I think the problem I had was caused by MDMA.
So, just recapping, i took 6 pills of E from 9 p.m. to approximately 4 a.m. I really think the first 4 pills were weak, from all i learned reading in here and with previous experiences i would guess 40 ~ 60 mg of mdma maximum in each of. the other two was pretty powerful, like 60 ~ 100, i couldn't know. Well, with that 6 pills i felt a bit like the second time I took E in my life.
Next day i'm feeling fine, i could talk normally to my parents in the morning even still being very high. Spent all day smoking weed. Go to sleep normally, i think.
Another day goes and after smoking a joint, I was sitting on the couch and my body started shaking a lot from nothing, it was shaking A LOT. I began to think i was gone mad. I began to feel I was floating. I obviously had a panic attack. I called one thing to another. Realized that my vision was grainy and I could see a lot of floaters when scaring light. The next week was horrible, I thought I had lost my mind and would never recover. I went into a deep depression and could only feel better when sleeping. Never had any visions with eyes closed. I decided to forget about it and after a week I began to improve and get used to the snow vision, and with time i forgot about what happened. I was living a practically normal life, working, going to college. Noticed a decrease in my libido and anxiety attacks, but it was something that i could live with.
I noticed i could not smoke pot anymore (damn, i miss being high). every time I smoked my anxiety increased soo fucking much and had another panic attack. Stopped smoking weed and started to drink a lot more. Noticed that when I drank, I would wake up with anxiety the next day, and if not controlled had another panic attack. 2 months later I started having insomnia. I was wakin up 3-4 times a night and could not sleep again. I got to wake up seven times in one night. I continued living normally, even bothered with insomnia. I stopped drinking coffee. My work performance was good, socially also had no problems.
But about 2 weekends ago, when everything seemed to be normal again, disregarding anxiety, and insomnia, I woke up with my heart racing. I had a panic attack and went into a depression only thinking that night messed my neuro system. I researched a lot about neuro system damage with ecstasy and i'm pretty sure that happened to me. I now know a lot about low production of serotonin. I do not know whether ecstasy causes low production of serotonin or damages to the serotonin receptors, do any of you know? I believe that a good night's sleep would help but there's been two months that I can't sleep more than 4 hours straight.
Do any of you identify with my story?
I I scheduled a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Paroxetine, but I didnt take it.
I scheduled another psychiatrist and a neurologist to have second opinions.
I tried exercising, but that didn't helped me to sleep a all, it was worse because I was more tired and had insomnia the same way
My biggest concerns are:
Having a lot of Difficulty to concentrate. My memory is a crap, I do not know if it's because of the anxiety, insomnia, or due to the damage caused by mdma. Can i get better? Based on my history that could be a permanent damage?
My libido is low and I'm having erectile difficulties. This may be due to anxiety or permanent damage caused by ecstasy? How can I improve?
I feel my pulse very strong sometimes in the head and other parts of the body. I'm afraid of having a heart attack. My heart is racing all day, my legs are shaking all day. How can get better of this?
Depression is gone because I accepted my condition, but also do not feel mood for anything, I've wasted my life, I always considered myself a very intelligent guy and now I can't even focus right. I'm afraid of losing my job, had already quit college.
I can say I'm 85% better than the first week in August but need to know if there still hope to stop the ansiety without meds, and principally, recover my libido (believe me, that's what worries me the most).
if you've read this far, even with the bad writing, I already love you man, seriously. I appreciate the attention.
Plus: i used to have a sincere love for nature, used to admire trees, rivers, birds, and i dont feel it anymore. I dony love anyone. This apathy must be irreversible, right?
(see how I am stunned)
Hello guys. Please, read my story. First of all, i'm brazilian and i'm feeling so alone when it comes to mdma abuse discussion. There are no forums or any other place i can have a conversation about what happened to me in my language. Luckely i know a little english but i'm pretty sure that incorrect things will be written here, but please, try to read my story because i have no one to help me in here. I'll try to resume it in every way i can.
So I started doing mdma december 2014. First time i took it was the best day of my life, that happened after the end of a 2 years relationship and i felt like that was exactly what i needed. I don't know what the fuck is happening with my country but in here it seems to be normal to take 2, 3 pills at night, everyone talks like it was normal (i think the ammount of mdma in a brazilian pill is a little less than in other countries, so the second time i took 2 pills, just 2 weekends after first time. my eyes turned, i was really drugged but i was cool. i Started to take ecstasy every three weeks, but when it came fifth time it became clear that the same dose had no effect anymore.
Well i kept taking it, never more than 2 pills. I reduced the frequency of use to once in a month and the quantity too, sometimes i just needed 1 pill and partied whole night. my count is approximately 26 pills from december to July. Let's disconsider 6 of them that was probably fake or very very weak; the beginning of my downfall was on July 13. I went to a electronic music party and bought 4 pills to take there. I took the first pill at 9 p.m., before even getting into the party. I did not felt even close to 1/10 of the feeling I had the first i did E, but i felt the effects of mdma. After an hour I took another one, felt the music but i was still i little tired, looked like it was pretty weak pills. I took one every hour but still have not had a satisfactory effect. I really don't know if those were weak pills or not, it gives me a little hope to think they were, so i actually didnt had an enormous quantity in that night. Not satisfied, bought two more pills from random guys and took then both. Now yes! I fucking fell the vibe, it was awesome. I've read many stories in this forum, and I know most of you use to buy the drugs before going to the parties, but I'm almost 100% sure it was real ecstasy. There could be other substances together but I think the problem I had was caused by MDMA.
So, just recapping, i took 6 pills of E from 9 p.m. to approximately 4 a.m. I really think the first 4 pills were weak, from all i learned reading in here and with previous experiences i would guess 40 ~ 60 mg of mdma maximum in each of. the other two was pretty powerful, like 60 ~ 100, i couldn't know. Well, with that 6 pills i felt a bit like the second time I took E in my life.
Next day i'm feeling fine, i could talk normally to my parents in the morning even still being very high. Spent all day smoking weed. Go to sleep normally, i think.
Another day goes and after smoking a joint, I was sitting on the couch and my body started shaking a lot from nothing, it was shaking A LOT. I began to think i was gone mad. I began to feel I was floating. I obviously had a panic attack. I called one thing to another. Realized that my vision was grainy and I could see a lot of floaters when scaring light. The next week was horrible, I thought I had lost my mind and would never recover. I went into a deep depression and could only feel better when sleeping. Never had any visions with eyes closed. I decided to forget about it and after a week I began to improve and get used to the snow vision, and with time i forgot about what happened. I was living a practically normal life, working, going to college. Noticed a decrease in my libido and anxiety attacks, but it was something that i could live with.
I noticed i could not smoke pot anymore (damn, i miss being high). every time I smoked my anxiety increased soo fucking much and had another panic attack. Stopped smoking weed and started to drink a lot more. Noticed that when I drank, I would wake up with anxiety the next day, and if not controlled had another panic attack. 2 months later I started having insomnia. I was wakin up 3-4 times a night and could not sleep again. I got to wake up seven times in one night. I continued living normally, even bothered with insomnia. I stopped drinking coffee. My work performance was good, socially also had no problems.
But about 2 weekends ago, when everything seemed to be normal again, disregarding anxiety, and insomnia, I woke up with my heart racing. I had a panic attack and went into a depression only thinking that night messed my neuro system. I researched a lot about neuro system damage with ecstasy and i'm pretty sure that happened to me. I now know a lot about low production of serotonin. I do not know whether ecstasy causes low production of serotonin or damages to the serotonin receptors, do any of you know? I believe that a good night's sleep would help but there's been two months that I can't sleep more than 4 hours straight.
Do any of you identify with my story?
I I scheduled a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Paroxetine, but I didnt take it.
I scheduled another psychiatrist and a neurologist to have second opinions.
I tried exercising, but that didn't helped me to sleep a all, it was worse because I was more tired and had insomnia the same way
My biggest concerns are:
Having a lot of Difficulty to concentrate. My memory is a crap, I do not know if it's because of the anxiety, insomnia, or due to the damage caused by mdma. Can i get better? Based on my history that could be a permanent damage?
My libido is low and I'm having erectile difficulties. This may be due to anxiety or permanent damage caused by ecstasy? How can I improve?
I feel my pulse very strong sometimes in the head and other parts of the body. I'm afraid of having a heart attack. My heart is racing all day, my legs are shaking all day. How can get better of this?
Depression is gone because I accepted my condition, but also do not feel mood for anything, I've wasted my life, I always considered myself a very intelligent guy and now I can't even focus right. I'm afraid of losing my job, had already quit college.
I can say I'm 85% better than the first week in August but need to know if there still hope to stop the ansiety without meds, and principally, recover my libido (believe me, that's what worries me the most).
if you've read this far, even with the bad writing, I already love you man, seriously. I appreciate the attention.
Plus: i used to have a sincere love for nature, used to admire trees, rivers, birds, and i dont feel it anymore. I dony love anyone. This apathy must be irreversible, right?
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