MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 2)

[thefinalpush]

3 Months in...

Hi all,

I've been lurking bluelight for the past 4 months ever since my proper LTC began and have only now gathered the courage to post. At first I was in denial and thought the comedown was sure to pass in a relatively timely matter (1 - 3 months tops) but as I have now discovered, it's going to be a longhaul.

My mdma/xtc usage was very heavy (spread out over 3 years, ball park figure of 800 pills/mdma caps (obviously low quality as I'm not completely e-tarded and also because I'm from Western Australia and we get the scraps), every weekend to begin with and then tapering off to once a month near the end). It's a bit strange as I had friends who have done the same/much more pills than I did over a longer period and they're fine in regards to LTC symptoms. I began taking 5HTP everyday from 1.5 years on in to the abuse which lead me feel a lot better but in a downside enabled me to keep taking them and do more damage. I've now tapered off and stopped taking 5htp (going on 2.5 months without it).

I was a very heavy marijuanna smoker from the age of 17 till the LTC began... I am now a rare smoker and have been for the past 3 months.

My LTC symptoms are as follows:
Anxiety: Yes, very situational but basically anytime I'm put on the spot or doing something I'm not used to. When I am just relaxing and doing my own thing I'm fine but as soon as I need to do something out of the ordinary or be in a social situation with people I'm not comfortable with it comes back. Almost had a panic attack doing a presentation at work last week.
Depression: Yes. Hard to describe where the depression is stemming from though, but is more so because I have lost my "life" so to speak and want to make a recovery. I'm not depressed in the stereotypical way of wanting to self harm etc, more just depressed that I ended up in this horrible situation and for being an idiot.
Fatigue: Yes very heavy. Used to go to the gym 5 days a week (religiously) for 5 - 6 years before this all happened, now I haven't been in 3 months as it fatigues the living hell out of me...
DP/DR/strange vision: Yes. Derealization (feeling like im in a dream) constantly, Depersonalisation when I'm under stress. Vision "cloudy" and warped and doesn't feel like I'm there.
Insomnia: Yes. Used to be worse but now I can get a decent sleep naturally, however if I'm awoken in the middle of the night theres a low chance of falling back asleep.
Brain fog: Yes and this is my most hated symptom. The brain fog is strong and at times debilitating. Working 8 hours a day in I.T proves a chore and I constantly made mistakes because of it.
Weird thoughts: Yes
Cognitive problems(short term memory, etc.): Long Term memory is sufficient and can always recall things from before the drug days with accuracy. Memory of the drug days onwards is always hazey however I can normally recall memories sufficiently. Short term memory was shocking at first but has improved a slight bit. Would still say its very below average. One memory that has been heavily affected is Spatial memory. I feel that remembering where things are and directions etc is hopeless. When I need something (such as my phone etc), It's always a search to find it rather than recalling where I left it.

@Macenroe

Also, every night, I always feel like 90%, with minimum symptoms but then I wake up next morning feeling like shit away, it's a never ending cycle. Can anybody with a LTC relate to this cycle? Everyday around 6pm, I improve a lot but then I wake up every morning dizzy, with derealization, and anxiety again, almost like vertigo's symptoms.

I can relate with this 100%. It's as if every day I start off with heavy symptoms and by the end of it I'm 90% back to normal. I literally give myself a prep talk every night before heading to sleep saying that I did a good job during the day and to give it my all the next day. And then just like a zombie I arise from my tomb 8 hours later.

 

[Deltronpedro]

Hey guys, question to you:
Been out for a couple of drinks for the first time in a long time now.
Had my fun, anxiety was manageable and overall I felt good.
Today, the day after, I feel dump, I even nearly forgot how a alcohol hangover feels like...
Brain is foggy, mind is worrying. But Im not quite anxious.

Now my question to you:
Do you think having a few drinks is positive, cause if you suceed beating your anxiety it will milder it generally and makes you feel better about your self(like doing things again you lvoed to do) or do you think its harmful for overall progress.
I ve red both here.
Whats right in your opinion.

 

[pmz]

I'm seriously considering dropping sole acid or mushrooms or DMT lately. I'm really hoping it will help unlock some emotions that I feel like I have trouble feeling. Being the fact I can smoke tons of bud now and drink and I've done coke last week with no problem. I was wondering if my head can handle a trip if it might help me. I dunno. I'm tired of feeling like I'm faking emotions

 

[fucked94]

Help!

I've been feeling super fucked up since my last time doing molly, this will be a long post but i need some answers.
So six months ago or so at the beginning of april on a friday night around 4 a.m I took acid (it was supposedly mixed with water, ive never done it that way before though) with two other people, me and my roommate fell asleep and didnt trip at all, but our friend said he woke up earlier than us and felt like he was tripping a little bit, so i dont know if it actually worked or not. anyways the next day me and my roommate decided to get some molly, around noon we both swallowed a point I think? ive only ever done molly once before a couple of months earlier so i dont know much about it. she said it was cut with meth, but besides that i dont know. anyways the only other time i did molly i snorted it, and this time i took it orally, and once it started to hit me, i freaked out, I got really bad vertigo and had to lay in bed for about an hour calming myself down, which eventually happened. we hung out everything was fine, smoked some weed, drank some wine, and then snorted another point (thats what my roommate kept calling it, i dont know the actual dosage) anyways, the rest of the night was okay. the next day, i was okay but super tired, i smoked weed and it gave me a little bit of anxiety and just made me super fucking tired ( and ive been smoking weed for years every single day. and it doesnt do that to me) well two days later, i had a massive depressive episode, couldnt eat or drink water, felt like i was high on molly again, i kept having to sleep because i felt so fucked up when i was awake, ended up in the hospital they told me i was just dehydrated and needed to rest and drink water. that lasted about five days then i started to feel better and smoke weed again, well that lasted about two weeks, and then i had a moment of feeling high again and freaked out. ever since then I've been dealing with extreme anxiety. i feel very detatched from reality, everything looks different. i feel empty on the inside and hard on the outside. im constantly worried about my health, feeling like theres something wrong with me. I havent smoked weed or drank since all this started, i gave up soda, caffeine, everything. But i have these moment where i get a bust of adrenalin and feel like im high for a moment and that freaks me out. so three months ago I went to my doctor and started taking escitilopram (generic lexapro) 5 ml, the panic attacks stopped when i started taking it, but nothing else has changed, and im about to stop taking them. I've been trying to eat healthy, and do as much exercise as i can physically handle but its so hard, and im losing hope. a couple months before doing the molly, i had a night where i did xanax, coke, and sass, in one night, but i felt fine after that and dont think its tied up into all of this. I dont know, Im tired of feeling like this and want to know if theres any hope or if anyone knows what im talking about or dealing with.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuuuuuck.

 

[goodvibes]

Im sorry that your associating your symptoms with Molly. Molly should be MDMA , but it is often cut which you indicated it was already. So when you combine God knows what and meth, these are the results that could happen and I am sorry that It did happen to you.

There are a number of threads dedicated to stories like yours that you should give a read (I'll post a link). People do recover it just takes time. It may seem like your old self is gone forever , but it will emerge soon. Keep up with the excercise and healthy eating, continue to live without drugs, and you will soon bounce back.

if you do choose to use drugs again make sure to test your stuff . They have testing kits for both LSD and MDMA and from your post it is evident that you didn't get the real deal with either of these wonderful , life -changing compounds.

Edit: here's that link
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/735937-MDMA-Recovery-(Stories-amp-Support-2)

 

[fucked94]

Thank you.
Oh I'm done with anything like that. I used to do alot of pills and coke when i was younger, but i never fucked with molly and it just isn't right for me.
It's hard to stay motivated just because most days I feel no hope, but I know its a waiting game for sure.

 

[Dynamo2013]

I did 250 mg of MDMA with some booze a year ago, when i woke up the next day i felt like i was in bubble, like my heads pressure had changed as if something was pressing on my scalp, besides this
i was experiencing a "brain fog" and reduced brain function, a couple of weeks into this situation, i had a hefty panic attack and my anxiety started to kick in, i was in a state of chock, i was so insanely
scared of what i had done tom myself that and didnt know anybody that could relate. I am now 1 year into this situation and i still fell a tingeling in the left side of my head which i constantly there.
My memory has come back way better but im still not 100%, apart from this I am experiencing muscle spasms all over my body. I found that drinking alcohol gives me really bad anxiety and causes
the pressure to come back stronger, same goes for caffein. Has anybody experienced this head pressure tingeling to go away after having it for a year + ?
Im am suffering from deep depression and would hope that someone out there can give me some hope. I have been living healthy for a long time now and i dont feel this getting any better.

 

[Abovetheclouds96]

Bad trip on mdma and still not recovered.. Need help

About 5 weeks ago swim went to a concert with a friend of hers. She is semi close to her friend but sometimes feels uncomfortable and annoyed with her. Swim and her friend took .25 grams of what she thought was mdma but it could've been cut with other substances. Everything was going good and she even smoked a lil weed even tho weed isnt her favorite. She was feeling good but then started getting a lil anxiety and occasionally weird vibes from the people in the crowds. Swim wasnt rolling as much as she wanted to so she took another .25 grams. Everything was okay until she smoked more and it all hit her at once. Swims eyes started uncontrollably rolling back in her head and she was tripping insanely hard. She couldn't really see anything past what was directly infront of her and she felt like she was losing her mind. Everytime she opened her eyes she felt like all the people were staring and laughing at her and talking about her eyes. She even heard a guy she just met that was standing next to her say she can read their minds. Swim couldnt get a grip on reality and all of the hallucinations made her feel absolutely crazy, she doesnt even remember hearing the music playing at the concert. The entire time she felt so self conscious and felt like everyone was thinking badly of her. She was panicking until she snapped out of it. For the next 2 weeks she could barely sleep and had panic attacks everyday with anxiety non stop. She went on prozac which helped a lil but she kept having tension headaches and her vision was altered. Sometimes everything is blurry and other times when shes reading on her phone the letters start to wave and change size. Sometimes she feels like her eyes involuntarily widen like how they did when she was rolling. Her eyes didnt even dilate when she was rolling either they just got extremely wide and bugged out. Swim now gets panicky and has really bad anxiety when she looks people in the eyes. She thinks she has developed social anxiety or the fear of eyes now. It is now 5 weeks later and swim feels like shes gonna be this way forever. Can someone please give insight or advice on this situation? Swim feels like its ruining her life. She cant do any stimulants, even smoke weed because they give her panic attacks and widen her eyes making her feel self conscious. Alcohol is the only thing that helps. Btw this wasnt the first time swim did molly but it was the most she ever took.

 

[Civic Si]

Hi,

I need some guidance as I'm currently 1 month into my LTC and suffering with head pressure. I'm worried, I only took MDMA twice in my life. The first time was September 01, 2014 and that was 1 pill (untested) and the second time I took 3-4 pills (untested) on October 14, 2014 within 4 hours because I was ignorant. Any guidance will be appreciated as I'm so lost. I haven't done any drugs besides MDMA nor do I smoke marijuana. I have given up alcohol, caffeine, and focusing on healthy eating and taking my vitamins. I went to the family doctor and she just advised me to take Advil gel capsules for the migraine and head pressure. I have vowed myself to never touch any type of drug again and appreciate everything I have in life.

These are the symptoms I have faced over this past month. I had no symptoms after my first roll on September 01, 2014. As well, I did not mix the MDMA with alcohol or any other drugs. I did get overheated but I immediately went outside to cool off.

-Bad heartburn (This started immediately after taking the 4th pill, at the time I just shrugged it off. The heartburn didn't go away and was constant over the first week so I went to the family doctor for the first time and she prescribed me acid reflux medicine which I started taking the second week but then stopped. The heartburn now comes and goes depending on what food I eat so that's positive).
-Brain Fog (This has fortunately gone away and I'm thankful for that as I could hardly focus at work.)
-Insomnia (I was taking sleeping pills for the first 2 weeks but now I just take melatonin which is helping. I wouldn't say I'm getting great sleep at the moment but its ok.)
-Anxiety (I had a bit of anxiety after I started reading everything online about brain damage, etc. I started having thoughts like my career was over and how I fucked my life forever. Went to the doctor again and she calmed me down. I didn't take any medicine for the anxiety and now just focus my energy at the gym and mediation.)

As you can see the only thing left is Head Pressure and a bit of Acid Reflux. My main concern is the head pressure as I don't know what else to do nor how long it's going to take to recover.

Appreciate any wisdom you can provide

Thank you.

 

[Civic Si]

I did 250 mg of MDMA with some booze a year ago, when i woke up the next day i felt like i was in bubble, like my heads pressure had changed as if something was pressing on my scalp, besides this
i was experiencing a "brain fog" and reduced brain function, a couple of weeks into this situation, i had a hefty panic attack and my anxiety started to kick in, i was in a state of chock, i was so insanely
scared of what i had done tom myself that and didnt know anybody that could relate. I am now 1 year into this situation and i still fell a tingeling in the left side of my head which i constantly there.
My memory has come back way better but im still not 100%, apart from this I am experiencing muscle spasms all over my body. I found that drinking alcohol gives me really bad anxiety and causes
the pressure to come back stronger, same goes for caffein. Has anybody experienced this head pressure tingeling to go away after having it for a year + ?
Im am suffering from deep depression and would hope that someone out there can give me some hope. I have been living healthy for a long time now and i dont feel this getting any better.

Hi Dynamo2013,

Reading your post worries me because your head pressure hasn't gone away and it's been 1 year. Can anyone provide some success and hope for the ones suffering from head pressure as this is a lingering symptom. Any uplifting stories would be appreciated.

Thank you everyone.

 

[ro4eva]

I did 250 mg of MDMA with some booze a year ago, when i woke up the next day i felt like i was in bubble, like my heads pressure had changed as if something was pressing on my scalp, besides this
i was experiencing a "brain fog" and reduced brain function, a couple of weeks into this situation, i had a hefty panic attack and my anxiety started to kick in, i was in a state of chock, i was so insanely
scared of what i had done tom myself that and didnt know anybody that could relate. I am now 1 year into this situation and i still fell a tingeling in the left side of my head which i constantly there.
My memory has come back way better but im still not 100%, apart from this I am experiencing muscle spasms all over my body. I found that drinking alcohol gives me really bad anxiety and causes
the pressure to come back stronger, same goes for caffein. Has anybody experienced this head pressure tingeling to go away after having it for a year + ?
Im am suffering from deep depression and would hope that someone out there can give me some hope. I have been living healthy for a long time now and i dont feel this getting any better.

Interesting post...

During my ~19 months of being sick with so-called LTC symptoms, one of them was tingling sensations in my hands / fingers and feet / toes.

However, for whatever reason, I was also experiencing tingling in my left ear.

I could never figure out why this was happening - why my left ear? Why not both ears?

Even the neurologist I saw couldn't answer that question.

Anyways, I'm happy to say that it went away, though I won't forget about it.

By the way, the consumption of alcoholic beverages also made me feel worse as well when I was sick - weird, I know.

Have you tried any medications?

You're not alone buddy - again, I also had tingling on the left side of my head (the ear to be precise), so I understand this must be extremely difficult and distressful for you.

I have no doubt that with the proper treatment, and the proper lifestyle modifications (if applicable), you will recover from this, as I did.

P.S. - I too felt severe brain fog, head pressure, depression, panic attacks, and at least 15 other symptoms.

P.P.S. - This is probably unnecessary to tell you, but I would avoid further use of alcohol (it will not feel the same as before - no more fun drunk feeling, at least until you recover).

 

[ro4eva]

Hi,

I need some guidance as I'm currently 1 month into my LTC and suffering with head pressure. I'm worried, I only took MDMA twice in my life. The first time was September 01, 2014 and that was 1 pill (untested) and the second time I took 3-4 pills (untested) on October 14, 2014 within 4 hours because I was ignorant. Any guidance will be appreciated as I'm so lost. I haven't done any drugs besides MDMA nor do I smoke marijuana. I have given up alcohol, caffeine, and focusing on healthy eating and taking my vitamins. I went to the family doctor and she just advised me to take Advil gel capsules for the migraine and head pressure. I have vowed myself to never touch any type of drug again and appreciate everything I have in life.

These are the symptoms I have faced over this past month. I had no symptoms after my first roll on September 01, 2014. As well, I did not mix the MDMA with alcohol or any other drugs. I did get overheated but I immediately went outside to cool off.

-Bad heartburn (This started immediately after taking the 4th pill, at the time I just shrugged it off. The heartburn didn't go away and was constant over the first week so I went to the family doctor for the first time and she prescribed me acid reflux medicine which I started taking the second week but then stopped. The heartburn now comes and goes depending on what food I eat so that's positive).
-Brain Fog (This has fortunately gone away and I'm thankful for that as I could hardly focus at work.)
-Insomnia (I was taking sleeping pills for the first 2 weeks but now I just take melatonin which is helping. I wouldn't say I'm getting great sleep at the moment but its ok.)
-Anxiety (I had a bit of anxiety after I started reading everything online about brain damage, etc. I started having thoughts like my career was over and how I fucked my life forever. Went to the doctor again and she calmed me down. I didn't take any medicine for the anxiety and now just focus my energy at the gym and mediation.)

As you can see the only thing left is Head Pressure and a bit of Acid Reflux. My main concern is the head pressure as I don't know what else to do nor how long it's going to take to recover.

Appreciate any wisdom you can provide

Thank you.

Hey there Civic Si,

If you are not experiencing brain fog anymore, then that's a good sign (obviously).

Look, I know that the reasons why people resort to drug use are plenty and it can be extremely complicated, but whatever your reasons for using drugs (including alcohol), if you can identify those reasons and address them, it will help you to maintain a drug free lifestyle, which is better than the other way around because absolutely no drug on this planet is 100% risk free.

Please be careful with supplements - especially if they're herbs - because recent studies have shown that many contain ingredients not listed on the bottle, or, they don't contain what's listed on the bottle at all. And they are getting away with it because the supplement market is not regulated strictly enough - not even close. So be very careful and cautious with what you buy (if anything).

If the brain fog went away, then perhaps within time, the other symptoms will subside, but this is probably dependent on whether you continue to consume street drugs and/or alcohol.

So yeah... try to live a healthy lifestyle, avoid 'bad' friends who will drag you into using drugs again, avoid stressful situations (if possible), don't worry too much about this because with time it will go away, and pick a hobby that will not mess with your brain chemicals (even if it's 'nerdy' - like video games or something).

I was sick for about 19 months, and I managed to recover, and you can too with the proper treatment and lifestyle.

Also, I don't mean to sound like an ass, but you sound like you have a milder case of this, so be happy about that.

P.S. - Doing aerobic exercise (jogging, eliptical trainer, treadmill, etc.,) will help stimulate neurogenesis (making new brain cells) so do it every morning if you can - it was crucial in my recovery, and I think it will help you too.

You CAN get through this, believe me.

Bless you

 

[Civic Si]

Hi Ro4eva,

Thank you for the quick response and positive words.

I have definitely cut ties with the friend who introduced me to MDMA. The only reason I even took it in the first place was because everyone at the party was and I was totally clueless on what MDMA actually was and what harmful side effects it can have. I am not a heavy drinker by any measure and only drink on a weekend basis in a social setting. I know you might consider my symptoms milder because I'm specifically focusing on head pressure but when you work in a stressful job like mine it's hard to focus when you got head pressure. When you hear about a few individuals on this recovery thread who have stated that they are still suffering from this specific system 1 year out it's really worrying.

I was going to the gym before this incident and continue to do so even more after it. I'm just taking a multivitamin and amino acids at the moment. Would someone recommend I start taking 5HTP, could my serotonin levels being low be the cause of this?

Seeing a neurologist at this point wouldn't be worth it as a few posters on here have posted that MRI results came back clear. It's concerning when you get head pressure with no explanation or clue as to what's specifically causing it. I'm just trying to make sense of all this and breakdown what's exactly happening in the brain that leads to prolong head pressure. The neurologist don't know the answers and were all left to pick up the pieces ourselves.

Again, anyone else who's suffered from head pressure and has fully healed please don't be shy to post as it really gives hope to myself and other individuals who are suffering.

Thank you everyone.

Thanks.

 

[fucked94]

Hi I have been suffering from LTC for about six months now. I've given up all drugs and alcohol, but i'm still smoking cigs. someone on here suggested no tobacco and I'm just wondering what the reason for that would be? i'm new to this site and dont know how everything works so if someone could pm me and let me know, thatd be righteous.
thank you.

 

[fucked94]

Hi I have been suffering from LTC for about six months now. I've given up all drugs and alcohol, but i'm still smoking cigs. someone on here suggested no tobacco and I'm just wondering what the reason for that would be? i'm new to this site and dont know how everything works so if someone could pm me and let me know, thatd be righteous.
thank you.

 

[PJ2]

You need to read the recovery thread in here. It's quite possible this triggered what persons in here call a LTC or Long Term Comedown. A lot of the symptoms sound familiar.

 

[PJ2]

I'm seriously considering dropping sole acid or mushrooms or DMT lately. I'm really hoping it will help unlock some emotions that I feel like I have trouble feeling. Being the fact I can smoke tons of bud now and drink and I've done coke last week with no problem. I was wondering if my head can handle a trip if it might help me. I dunno. I'm tired of feeling like I'm faking emotions

Being able to handle drugs is a good sign! Did you ever think your lack of connection to emotions could be related to depression, which may or may not be connected to your LTC?

 

[PJ2]

Hi I have been suffering from LTC for about six months now. I've given up all drugs and alcohol, but i'm still smoking cigs. someone on here suggested no tobacco and I'm just wondering what the reason for that would be? i'm new to this site and dont know how everything works so if someone could pm me and let me know, thatd be righteous.
thank you.

When you are still in the initial recovery stages, which you should be coming out of soon if you haven't already, any drugs or alcohol cause problems as they all are effecting your brain that is trying to heal. Nicotine is a drug and a stimulant on top of that. So, with anxiety being one of the prevalent symptoms, adding a stimulant isn't helping matters.

 

[PJ2]

By the way, hello bluelighters!

I've been away for weeks now. I can see why people that have recovered move on and never post again. If you feel good and these things are no longer consuming your life, why bother, right?

I'll just say I'm seriously looking to start my career again after being too sick to work for at least 6 months. The SSRI's have me feeling better than before the whole LTC ordeal. Like I've stated previously, I've always had issues with depression and I think it runs in my family although most are too dumb or stubborn to get treated for it. This time I'm trying to treat it with the respect it deserves as in I got an appointment with a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to discuss what I'm taking and whether or not I should take more or maybe try a combo that works.

Currently, I have windows of happiness that I didn't even know existed. I want to feel that way or better always not just in short spurts. We'll see how it goes.

As for the LTC, the only thing that pops up on occasion is the damn "head tightness/pressure" and it's really no big deal anymore. I can think. I have energy. I have no fatigue issues. My sleeping problems are gone. I don't have any anxiety. I'm good.

Within the past few weeks, I've done coke once, took a few hits off a joint once, and have had a few beers on a few occasions. I think the coke caused a delayed headache that lasted a few days. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but it wasn't anything debilitating. I haven't had any problems while doing the drugs whatsoever. No anxiety. No panic. No nothing. Like I said, I think the coke caused a headache that appeared a couple days later and lasted for a while. That was the worst of it.

Anyways, hang in there. Time will heal you!

Cheers!

 

[Deltronpedro]

@rphilli72:
Im glad to hear this man!Thanks for your update.

@fucked94:
Im still smoking cigarettes, too. Im 5 months in and I made a good progress even if I smoked all the time. I dont want to say its good for recovery but maybe it is just ok.
How is your progress? If there is none i would consider stop smoking but if you are improving, i think there is no problem smoking alongside