love, marriage and drugs

[tonja]

my life has been so strange. my husband is trying to get sober (meth) and i am here for him but to go back in time 8 weeks my life has been a roller-coaster my husband left me and went to another womans place with her boyfriend but lied to me about where he was. i then find out and felt guilty because i believe part of it was my fault because the drugs have been destroying our life and someone called me an enabler so i read some articles that suggested i be hard on him and push him i did that but i think i pushed him back to drugs after 2 years clean what the hell was i doing?

so i fought to get him home and sober for 12 days he was gone doing god knows what. well he did confess that he slept with the woman and he came home and things were ok for a few weeks with some issues anonymous texts that was hard to deal with. i was doing good with the other woman because i felt some responsibility it got me through then almost 2 weeks ago my husband said he needed to help a friend in dire need and i had the worst gut feeling( it happens a lot) and we got into an argument and then he got really sick to his stomach i thought maybe withdrawls but that made no sense he had detoxed before without this issue.

well my gut got the best of me when he was sick and i looked into his phone omg he was texting a woman and he told her a whopper of a story how he was divorced for a while and had his own place oh fuck was i pissed off all hell broke loose and after fighting and arguing with me still fighting for him in every sense the dam cops call well to find out after i calmed down a detective and wants info i might have. what the hell was he thinking i would never do that to my husband even though i am so tired of the drugs i could not but i did tell my husband about the detective and i think it scared him well he has been sober a very short time and today i received a text message asking me if i knew where he was?

well i checked her place he was there and when he came out he was upset he went home and i finished working then came home and he told me he did nothing wrong and i believe that.(did i mention that i have talked to the woman and she says nothing is going on)well he tells me he loves me and i am his wife that she is a friend and i ask why did you lie in the beginging and he says the drugs and he was not sure what he wanted because he thought i was cheating. i gut does not tell me i have an issue except i think he should be honest with meand he did agree what he did was wrong.

when my husband is sober he is the greatest when he is on drugs it is hard emotionally and not to mention i keep having this dream the phone rings and i think he is dead it is a messed up only a dream. well the detective keeps calling and the message keep coming the messages only inform me like they are trying to help. i wonder now is it the detective? my husband is sleeping now and sober and says he only wants me but the message is taunting me. he is my husband and i love him very much but i need support....

 

[pasha]

Homeless -> The Dark Side

 

[Felonious Monk]

Have you considered leaving him?

NONE of this is your fault. DO NOT take any blame.

HE is an addict. HE cheated on you.

 

[SixBuckets]

Have you considered leaving him?

NONE of this is your fault. DO NOT take any blame.

HE is an addict. HE cheated on you.

I kinda feel like these are two different problems? Both of which suck, and the man is definitely a jerk. But I don't think you should allow yourself to think that he cheated because of the addiction. That lets him off kinda easy.

 

[Felonious Monk]

Oh yeah, definitely two different things. I mean, people say meth makes them do fucked up sexual shit, but that doesn't make it ok at all.

 

[tonja]

I feel like my life is making many changes and i can not control my feelings about the issue. I ask my self why i keep fighting for him and givin him this pass and i tell my self i love him. Could anybody else love or want me?? I wish i had an easy fix

 

[T. Calderone]

It sounds like your self esteem has taken a hit from all this. You didn't say how long you have been married to him or he's been on drugs. But you have to realize that you didn't cause this and the drugs didn't either. Being high on meth may explain his actions but doesn't excuse them.

It's obviously becoming a serious problem since you say the police are involved. There are no easy fixes but it has to start with him. Your husband has to decide if he wants to quit using. Or he can keep sneaking around to help "his friend" risking getting arrested or losing you. Try getting some counseling or even talk with a family member or close friend. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. And let us know how you're feeling.

 

[LilikoiMoon]

Awesome advice from members.

Do you have children? If so, I think it's time you do some serious soul searching.

We can be the most beautiful, awesome women in the world but when you are dealing with matters like this, your self esteem hits an all time low. (another poster mentioned)

She may be using with him, and that's the catch. Both will deny it, so you may never get the truth.
If she was a real woman, she'd back the hell off and if she was a true "friend" to him, she'd send his ass home.

1. Put yourself and your needs once for a change!

2. Realize this isn't your fault and drugs are no excuse for him to cheat and hurt you. A real man would own up to his shit.

3. Offer counseling, rehab, treatment for his addiction .. If he refuses, if he isn't willing to cut contact with her and work on his marriage, time to take a walk.

Meth is a hella drug, educate yourself. Addiction is a hella state of mind, I've fought with pill addiction bad since my son's death. But neither is an excuse to cheat and hurt the ones you love.

Take care honey. Big hug.

 

[tonja]

I have been married 15 years and he been doing drugs at least 8 and has been to a prison drug reform. I have 3 children 2 from when i was young and knew my husband 1 child with my husband. Yesterday he told me he had to fix a vehicle and she also texted me and told me but i still feel like 2nd. I can not talk to anyone i know currently cuz i am ashamed and embarrassed.

 

[tonja]

if i put my needs first i feel like i am a bad wife,lover and friend. i have always put me last.tomorrow i will put me first some how wish me luck

beleive it or not my self esteem is low but i am still trying i get up every day and tell my self you must go on and i get ready for the day shower make up hair. i also am still on the rifgt track with my weight loss i want to be happy and smile and be loved...

i often wonder if i am not visually beautiful to him any more. in the last 8 years i have gained weight my own fault i should not let my self get down cuz i have a dam good personality. i have recently lost alot of weight and no not with illegal drugs.

 

[xxjadedxx]

Ok, I really get it...I am that wife, I give into everything my husband wants no matter how bad it makes things sometimes. The strength is hard to find to do what you know you should. I'm not saying leave him or stay....that is your choice and yours alone. I learned the hard way though over the last few months if I don't think of me and take care of me no one else will. Do whats best for you and the kids. If he really loves you he will straighten up and come back, just remember once an addict always an addict it's who he is and it's something you have to either accept or not.

 

[tonja]

the hard way sucks even more so when you know what you should do.i have been trying to do for me alot more recent. i wish i never had to decide.

 

[cay]

tonja and xxjadedxx: And I'm through and through that husband. My wife puts me first and at times I can guilt trip when I don't get my way. I am the first to admit I am a terrible person but that isn't what this is about. I've been in that position where I couldn't decide between the new woman and my wife. My wife, who always put me first but would often have an attitude vs new, fun, unexplored. Now understandably my doc wasn't meth but opiates, but either way it's not the drugs that should be blamed. Sure knee jerk decisions can become more up front but even high we rationalize things. It's an overall personality flaw. I will counter what I just said with this, getting clean did help clean up my level of jerkness but it's still there, just hidden under the covers because I truly love my wife.

The question you really have to ask yourself is: this is now but can you deal with this forever? What are your back out options/plans? My wife is often angry, all the time is probably a better way of pointing it out. Do you like being that way? Not every situation completely transfers over 1 to 1 with other peoples but it sounds... similar. I do wish you the best, it's a hard situation. Picking out what is best for you and your family versus your love versus planning for the future.

 

[tonja]

thank you for that cay it means alot to me to here a man say that. i am sure i am not innocent by any means i think i never give him much freedom and i am always on his ass i wish i could change things but they are what they are. thank you for your experience

 

[tonja]

advice?? help need input

I am at that point where my love and willingness to see beyond all the bullshit that has happen in my lives especially after my husband finally said what was needed for me to see my errors in this relationship our marriage. By no dam means does that mean my husband is innocent.

But i am willing to back up and let him make decisions I took away. I have fears and the only 2 serious relationships i have been in my life was 1 from high school and my husband now of 15 years. my fears came true in both what are the fucking chances of that? 1 drugs(meth) 2 cheating and i must point out i am not on meth!! I hate the shit it has helped to destroy my dam life it has affected me 6 times and now for the possible 7th time all family except for 2.

I tend to be controlling my husband was half decent when he opened up to me rather than just be rude and call me nasty names i can handle being called a bitch but c**t is the worst to me. So i ask for a chance to back up and let him make his choices and decisions and give him some freedom.I always want to know where he is and who he is with i know that is bad of me but my fear does take over and we argue about peoples houses he goes to most of them all bad(drugs)

he does have 1 I will say that i will learn to deal with. I will not text so often and not drilll him when he gets home. i want the chance to show people can change and i do love him. All I ask is that he respect me and I will not ever fucking deal with cheating again!! the drugs i really think might be a roller coaster in our lives i see it could also change and end for good.So last Night he comes home has been gone a since Tuesday and alot of messed up shit has happen but now resolved.

he sleeps in our bed comes in real late about 1 am and stays at home all day I get his laundry washed we eat dinner and i start to talk to him and he informs me he is not sure he is staying he does not think i can change how i am says he does not want to fight but he does not know what he wants. I ask him do you love me? he says yes I tell him i miss him and this is hard on me.

he says its not easy on him but he thinks the damage has been done.. I do not believe that I think most everything has a possibility to change. He says it is hard for him to talk and this is dam true. Well he says he is leaving and be back in a couple of hours he is going to visit his brother and maybe a friend. Now 4 1/2 hours late here I sit.. I pulled out the things I put away after I washed his clothes and all his bath items. what should i do? am i guilting him into staying?? does he just want me to say go be free no guilt I got this kids. life and all here you be free?? or is he fucked up in the head he is newly sober(meth). Or is he on drugs again I am always the last to know!! I do not think he is on the drugs now I do not get that gut feeling.. any advice??

 

[pasha]

Homeless -> The Dark Side

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

My honest opinion is hes prob still using if hes gone whole nights at a time..Stop letting him guilt trip u when HE IS BEING AN ASSHOLE..being worried where your significant other is, is bein concerned not controlling.. How are u in the wrong when u are justwatching the kids and cleaning the house being an EXCELLENT WIFE..he is manipulating u to think u are the bad guy when he is a fuckin douche bag doin whatever he wants..forget that!! stand up for yourself i know its scary but he is controlling you by using that fear...

 

[atreyaferret]

I really feel for you Tonja. It seems like you are doing an amazing job keeping it together; raising kids on your own is probably one of the hardest things a person can do. You're an excellent mother just for that. Also I am glad to hear that your kids have someone to depend on when their father seems to be abandoning them. They really need stability. Sorry if that was a little rude.
I agree with Potus that being a concerned mother/wife is not the same as being controlling. If he feels you are being too controlling then I would fully communicate what it is that makes you feel the need to check in so often. Maybe he could check in with you sometimes too. If he is willing to work things out then this would be a small compromise for him.
Have you tried any type of counseling or therapy? It can be a huge help. If money is an issue I've heard of counselors accepting payments on a sliding scale, maybe you could make some calls about this?

About his usage; it's usually best to go with your gut but sometimes you just never know. I would definitely talk to him about this. Has he ever done any type of rehab? It can be hard to have these conversations because a lot of times the other person can feel like you are cornering them or accusing them. Although I wouldn't feel any guilt about asking him as it seems that it has been a problem before.
There is probably a lot of miscommunication going as he seems to never be home. Try to make it clear how you feel and where you're at. I know you probably feel that you're at your wits end. I hope you start finding some answers. PM me anytime. My heart goes out to you.

 

[T. Calderone]

Tonja I merged your two threads if you don't mind in order to get a clearer picture of what you husband is doing to you. His behavior is inexcusable: taking off with his girlfriend, leaving you to tend to your children while he binges on meth. By him telling you he doesn't know what he wants, what is he really saying? He's not sure about the girlfriend, or you or the drugs? Why should you have to change? "Learn to deal with it" shows how much he really doesn't care.

Like I said earlier, try and get into some counseling. You deserve a better life!

 

[heatherxb]

Man oh man I'm sorry to hear you have so much going on. I know us addicts put our significant others through hell. The constant worrying if we're alive or hurt, in some dangerous area. But the cheating damn that's just awful. Drugs do make people do some crazy things. I was with my ex five years I loved him unconditionally but I had met a guy who used like me so we started using together (shooting crack and dope) so I eventually started sleeping with him. I didn't mean to hurt my boyfriend and to say IT WAS THE DRUGS well I know I can't solely blame it on that but it did have a part of it. Drugs change you and make you do crazy crazy things. You should sit down with him the next time you see him and tell him you want the truth and tell him how hurt you are. Sometimes when your using you can be blind to others feelings and your own wrong doings. Good luck with everything!