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KraziKat's Quit II: This time it's for real!

I slept last night, thanks to sleep aids, but woke up in WD. Thinking it's still the sub working. I dont want to take anymore sub, but I will if I must. Had the tears and the yawns and the lethargy, but had to get the kids to day care and me to work. Have taken two doses of kratom today. The first did nothing.
 
Thanks, Rose and Mel. I feel good right now. I took what I believe to be 7.5 grams of gas station kratom, along with a dropper full of 1 to 1 cannibas THC/CBD tincture. I think all the quarter kilos of kratom I have from a vendor is honestly not all that effective. But I don't want to be hooked on Kratom! For now, though, I'll take the relief. Dont think the CBD thing did much at all, maybe too small a dose.

I am going to try my hardest to abstain from booze tonight. It is not easy. I am also running low on comfort meds that I've been leaning on at night. (and a little during the day)

Disney World next week. With the In-laws.

And me and my wife are on a slippery slope right now. We talked. I told her I am an addict and don't want to be . She knows. But she also never knows what my deal is –– am I grumpy, am I on something, am in withdrawal. She said I need "real help." She may be right. We are so disconnected. It sucks. I just love my kids too damn much. I love my wife too. I could handle a separation from her, but not the little ones.

Thanks for listening.
 
I also know I am "getting better" as the true opiates leave my system my emotions are coming back, as is my libido. I can cry at listening to Jerry sing Stella Blue, as well as TV commercials for just about anything..
 
It's just 30 days, KK, your children will be there when you return. It's hard to let go I know first hand.

I succeeded kicking H in 1977 despite 12 step programs. Everybody is different and there is no one way of getting and staying clean.

Going into rehab will also prove to your wife you are serious, although deep in your heart you need to want this for yourself. You will also be shown different tools to help you reach your goal. You have to do the hard work of finding out what actually makes you want to get high, not your wife or your children. Stepping away from familiar settings and interactions can go a long way to finding clarity and starting to not just get chemically clean, but also be happy being yourself enough to no want to use any more. None of this happens in a flash, but all journeys start with the first step. You've already taken that step, so just follow the journey back to life. That journey may involve rehab, but it doesn't have to.
 
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White_Rose said:
It's just 30 days, KK, your children will be there when you return. It's hard to let go I know first hand.

I succeeded kicking H in 1977 despite 12 step programs. Everybody is different and there is no one way of getting and staying clean.

Going into rehab will also prove to your wife you are serious, although deep in your heart you need to want this for yourself. You will also be shown different tools to help you reach your goal. You have to do the hard work of finding out what actually makes you want to get high, not your wife or your children. Stepping away from familiar settings and interactions can go a long way to finding clarity and starting to not just get chemically clean, but also be happy being yourself enough to no want to use any more. None of this happens in a flash, but all journeys start with the first step. You've already taken that step, so just follow the journey back to life. That journey may involve rehab, but it doesn't have to.
Click to expand...

The sad truth is, if I knew I was going to rehab, I'd prob drink myself into a stupor and gobble as many pills as I could before getting on that plane, or getting dropped off or whatever it entails. Not sure what that means. I'm not there yet though.
 
I had the option of picking up a bunch of blues ? enough to get me through next week's trip. I said yes, and then I said no. I really want my life back.

I am 7 days since my DOC (blues), and today is now day four since taking 1 mg sub. I feel pretty shitty. Depressed, lethargic, achy. Kratom does NOT seem to be working like it used to for me. I have also been sipping on alcohol every night like an asshole. Such an asshole. And I'm going through my comfort meds in order to sleep... running out of gabapentin, xanax and ambien. I still have 3 sub strips, but I don't want them. I'll take them if nec next week. I am not going to ruin my family vacation.

I'd like to start feeling good. Tonight, I'll try again to not drink. For some reason, MJ does not appeal to me, but it always helps. Maybe I'll eat a 10 mg edible on my way home to stave off that urge to drink.

I've been researching low dose usage of DXM. I just want clarity and energy. Is DXM worth pursuing? Don't want to trip or feel high, just not in physical and mental WD! Anyone?

BTW, I'm proud of myself for saying no to more blues. I really surprised myself :)
 
BTW, I had the runs this AM. Think that's from the sub clearing my system? Took 6 mg of lope.
 
I'm scared to death of drinking after my hospital stay last week. The problem is I don't know how long that fear will stay with me. I'm glad that you recognized that you should ultimately say no to the blues. That's like me right before I went into the hospital and I recognized that I shouldn't crack open that second bottle vodka no matter how much I wanted it. At the time it felt like one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life.

I had horrible abdominal cramps yesterday along with the runs. I took a shit ton of Pepto Bismol but later read that diarrhea is the body's way of expelling toxins so stopping the runs can be counterproductive. I either got food poisoning from my breakfast on Monday or I picked up a bug in the hospital. I hope it's the former.
 
This Sunday I am going on a family vacation where I simply have to be in decent shape both mentally and physically. Disney. 3 year old and 5 year old. In laws. It is Wednesday night. I am dependent on SOMETHING. Some form of opiod, be it kratom, suboxone, or oxycodone. Can I CT now til Sunday? Should I take low dose bupe for a week? Pills for a week then CT when we get back?
 
I am definitely in WD right now and craving relief. I wanted this AM to see how long I can go without opiods. It's been approx 14 hours since last kratom dose. I slept a lot thanks to ambien and xanax and a little vodka. I woke up saying, let's do this! I took a random combo of L-Tyrosine, agmatine, ashwaganda, Aleve, coffee and Black Seed Oil... I was okay, I thought. And now I'm in bone-aching pain and craving like crazy. But I got my kids to school, I'm at work, at my desk, and working, so to speak. Hanging in there. I have kratom with me... I think it's only a matter of time before I cave. I had powder leaf, but I wish I had capsules.
 
Well, thanks all. Off to Disney. Leaving for the airport in a few mins.... My 3-year daughter has the runs. Great.

As for me, I feel okay at the moment. Though last night I was rough. Wife asked what was going on with me, I said I was just exhausted, which was very true. Also true is the feeling of being in a constant state of withdrawal, and obsessing over what I'm feeling what I should take. I kept that to myself. She is super stressed over this trip.

For the week I'll be well-stocked with kratom capsules, edibles and MJ tinctures, and gabapentin. Have a few zanz and ambien left but not much. I also have 3 sub strips, but I dont think I'll eat anymore sub... idk. Would it be a setback? Havent had a sub since last Saturday. Stick to kratom? I bought gas station capsules, only due to the ease of use. I can also judge how much I am taking. 5 grams (10 capsules) seems to hold me.

Took that much last night after being interrogated by wife, and it helped me to bounce back.

Let's do this.

KK
 
Many days since any oxy blues, more than a week since subs. I was initially thinking I would use subs instead of kratom this week, but that is a step in the wrong direction right?

So I actually only dosed kratom twice yesterday, 5 grams each time. Thanks to the capsules and the packaging, I know pretty much exactly how many grams I am taking. I skipped the evening dose. My body was calling for it, but I used a little alcohol and MJ instead and watched that amazing Super Bowl.

I was lucky enough to get some alone time to watch the game while my family was off to dinner with the in-laws at Chef Mickey's or some nonsense. And this morning we'll go to the park. I got my 5 grams in me and it feels good. All WDs gone atm.

Also, I should mention, I have with me Cannabis tincture --- 1 to 1 THC to CBD stuff. Just a dropper-full provides amazing anxiety relief without being very stoned. It just makes me so, I should say, unbothered. I can deal. My wife knows about and can see how wonderfully it works. I told her how I see it being so crucial in my recovery from opiods, and she kinda rolled her eyes and said something about it being just another substance I'll be hooked on.

Maybe so, maybe not. And CBD/THC is not PHYSICALLY addictive, as far as we know. But damn, those tinctures are awesome. I'll be taking my dropper with me. Hope I don't run out!

And about my opiod recovery. I think I'll stick to kratom capsules, and even start taking one away each day. For now. Don't want to take a piece of sub, with that crazy half life.

Enough rambling from Orlando. People need to get into the bathroom. ;)
 
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