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July Getting/Staying Sober Thread vs Birds of a Feather

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Not the best day for me today, struggling to sleep but it could be worse. I do think I am experiencing some PAWS. Spent a good majority of the day feeling like everyone in my life hated me. Its all in my head and I am so grateful to be clean and have people that support me but I can think of some crazy shit today.

Time to shutdown the computer and just try to meditate or read.

The Basic Text of NA states that every day clean is a successful day and I fully believe that. I had a successful day today. Sometimes, just not using has to be enough (and I got to spend time with my family and later hung out with some other people in recovery) so I cannot complain.

Hiltoniano said:
. Any tips for a first-timer?
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Do not be afraid to ask for help. Either from professionals and/or people in NA, AA, SMART. Try going to a meeting and take it from there. Its often very difficult to quit on your own.

Also, it is often stated that the addict has to really want to quit for themselves. This is true for me. My loved ones are MASSIVE motivators for me to stay clean, but ultimately I do it for myself.
 
Sorry youre having a bad day phactor. Im sure the people in your life dont hate you-you seem like a cool dude :) just try to chill a bit and go to sleep. Im about to go to sleep and try to have some good dreams :)
 
^^^

Thanks Blue! You are doing great, I am so proud of you.

Another just okay day (so far), have a headache and am just slightly anxious. This is okay and not worth using over. Very likely this is PAWS related and I have to admit, I have slacked off on my morning meditation and have been struggling to "live in the moment" (due to some fuckup that my school made, but its likely going to be resolved today). Essentially, I want to control the entire situation and have people respond to me immediately. There has to be balance between resolving an issue to the best of my ability vs obsessing and worrying over it.

Also, just lots of drama and tension in my neighborhood along with some pretty serious violence over the past few days. Stupid bullshit I am not involved with, but you can feel it in the air. Finally, some asshole is being to lazy to go ring a doorbell right now and is just slamming on his horn (probably picking someone up). I cannot stand it when people do shit like that, I take it as "fuck everybody else in the neighborhood, I'm going to do what I want too". Grrrr.

I have a headache, but I just took some ibuprofen. I have been laying in bed today, but I am going to get up today and try to get myself going. My grievances are pretty small in the long run and I am doing what I need to do. I have been doing lots of reading about the situation in Syria and its just breaking my heart. I can be pretty impacted by events half way around the world. That is a gift and a curse.

Another situation I have is a new NA member texting me last night who appeared to want to hookup as well as use. I never planned on acting on it but of course it causes the thought to flash here and there (more so of a thought like "Is this all worth it? Should I just say fuck it?"). These thoughts are very brieft but still do occur. Now of course I want to try to talk her out of what looks like an oncoming relapse. I realize I have no control over her actions and that she has a lot of issues that are beyond my help and NA's help. I told her that I benefit from additional therapy and lots of reading and listening on what NA is and isn't. I need to realize that not everyone picks up the program as quickly as I do nor do they have the benefit of being as "schooled" in the program as I have been. She is doing lots of the differentiating stuff (I didn't have a problem with this and that, I have a big bottle of benzos at home that I don't use blah blah blah) and that is a red flag in my experience for myself. She did offer a benzo to me a few days ago, actually... she started to and I cut her off like 3 words into the sentence lol. I was having a rough night and I was with a group of people (who went out of their way to help me, one of the many benefits of NA IMO) and she was tagging along. She starts to say "I have kl...." and I go "nope, if I take that I will be drunk and high in an hour. Taking a Klonopin is very much a relapse for me"

I am chairing a meeting tonight and she might be there. I need to clarify some stuff to her and if she doesn't listen cut off contact. I think she was even hinting at wanting to move into my place (which will not happen) so I am just going to suggest some halfway houses to her. If she wants my help, I will give it. If she wants to continue playing games then I have to put my recovery first. I have made it clear many times that I do not intend on getting in any romantic relationships at the moment. I am pretty used to not being on one so its not difficult for me.

My big NA project right now is to give the women in NA more of a voice in my area. I have a female speaker lined up tonight. In my hometown and the city NA is extremely strong. In my current area, not so much. Especially when it comes to women. Its a fine line between wanting to help and wanting to "fix" the problem. I can only do so much.

Enough rambling but I had to get that out, I want to tell everyone that they are doing great. I have to say I am already feeling better after writing that out. 82 days today.
 
I slept about an hour last night. The jump from 17 to 15 after only two days was too much (I dont know WTF my counselor was doing and neither did the dosing nurse when she looked at my history - she was like - what was he trying to do? I said I had no clue, I wish I knew).

So today I went back up to 17, and I don't know if it's because I didn't sleep or what but I was actually nodding this afternoon for a bit. Don't like that feeling. I'm set to drop 1 mg every four days, and of course now I'm regretting it and wishing I'd made it every 3, but I can't change it now or they'll get irritated at the clinic. At this rate I'll be off it at the end of Sept, but I'm thinking I'll probably jump off at 5 or 8 mg maybe... we'll see. I am so so impatient to get off it, I hate feeling sedated, but at the same time, yesterday I felt like total crap, so I don't want to be a dose that has me in WD to the point where I can't function. It's a fine line, and it's so frustrating, these liquid handcuffs. I want OFF this shit. OFF OFF OFF. God I want to be done with it so bad. Just need to remember I relapsed last Nov because (in part anyway) I rushed my taper. I'm almost there. By the weekend I"ll be on 16 mg and middle of next week I'll be on 15. Just need to be patient.
 
Feeling better now, about to go to a meeting. Not sure why it turned around. Like I keep telling myself, I am still bound to have PAWS symptoms. My days are not going to be all sunshine and roses. My worries about school turned out to be much ado about nothing, but of course I worked myself up for a day and a half. When I did this, I used to use. I honestly think that I would worry about the small shit so I had an excuse to use. I very much ignored the big stuff... why? Because I simply couldn't handle it and when I thought about it it was followed by a "I shouldn't be using, I've got to do this"... so grateful I don't have to do that anymore (though of course I still sometimes do, I'm not perfect).

Have a great night everyone.
 
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I just took an hour walk and i feel so much fucking better. I need to start doing that on the regular.
 
BlueSaffron said:
I just took an hour walk and i feel so much fucking better. I need to start doing that on the regular.
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Absolutely! Start with daily walks and consider working your way up to jogging. The endorphins will make an incredible difference in PAWS and how you feel in general.

Keep it up everyone! :)
 
I'm fine after a few days, memory comes back etc yes I can use now my dopamines back 8( then just continues
 
After failing time and time again, I've finally managed to taper myself down to only using once every 4-5 days. I'm now approaching day 7 no opis. The taper really did help with wd's. Hopefully I can keep this up for good.... Insomnia is still a bitch, but now that I've decided to go back to school, I feel more confident that I can do this and make something out of my life which is making this process a lot easier than it was when i first tried to quit 4 months ago...

Just gotta focus on the goals, and not on the ghouls!
 
Feeling really tired of methadone atm. Part of me just wants to kick it this weekend. I have gabapentin and ativan. I got 16 mg today of methadone... thinking just jump off at 16 this weekend.

How long do you think before I felt ok? Like a week?
 
it's hard to say blue. it depends not just on dosage but also body chemistry, diet, a number of factors that are personal to you.
I can tell you that proper diet and exercise everyday can cut the length of paws in half. however, be careful not to start exercising intensely everyday too soon because it can make the acute withdrawal symptoms worse. So start slow and work your way up.
 
Thanks Case. I really dont want to jump off at 16 tbh, id rather do it at 8 or so... Im just tired of it. I need to try to get to 10 at least i think. Then maybe I'll do it.
 
u guys are doing amazing!!!!!
Still fighting myself and trying to get where I wanna be.... Here, in this thread, full time!!

Until then.... Battles everyday until I want it bad enough. I guess that's what it comes down to:\:\
 
Your doing it 88:)

Kicking this month off!!! and it was great and capped off with a boatload of potential.. i love life. July=success. =D<3
 
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