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January Getting/Staying Clean v. Sober for the New Year

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exjunkiegirl: I believe you may be approaching the loss of your mother in the wrong way. I have lost quite a few people in my life that meant quite a lot to me. The woman that delivered me from my abusers to safety passed. It left a hole in my heart. There was no way I could ever repay her for her kindness and compassion...then one day it happened. I realized that instead of lamenting loss, I should celebrate life. You cannot change the ignorance, or selfishness of others. One thing you can change is how you feel inside. I chose the roman tradition associated with death....don't be angry or sad they are gone, but celebrate the life they led and honor their spirit by living well and upholding their traditions. Think of them when you behold glory in your life, and think on them when you achieve, and believe me young one you have achieved a lot since your first post here. A piece of your heart will always belong to her, but that piece you were never meant to have...The piece I gave to my grandmother that got me out of that house I honor everyday by being an honest and just man just as she intended me to be. I guess honor the piece of heart you gave your mother by being compassionate and humble. I know you can do it, and each time you do, the burden of loss will lessen.

Congrats to everyone staying clean with me. It is hard but the returns are excellent. The returns are not financial, nor are they generally admiration of people I once grifted...but I can wake up and have no need for scams. I no longer need to count my money in tens. I no longer feel worthless when truly my worth is immeasurable.

Remember: Life takes time. We spent our lives as the walking dead for so long that we missed out on the sweet mystery and beauty presented to us...now we have a chance to recapture that. I bid a good morning to all and hopefully you find a little piece of beauty to hold onto.
 
manboychef said:
exjunkiegirl: I believe you may be approaching the loss of your mother in the wrong way. I have lost quite a few people in my life that meant quite a lot to me. The woman that delivered me from my abusers to safety passed. It left a hole in my heart. There was no way I could ever repay her for her kindness and compassion...then one day it happened. I realized that instead of lamenting loss, I should celebrate life. You cannot change the ignorance, or selfishness of others. One thing you can change is how you feel inside. I chose the roman tradition associated with death....don't be angry or sad they are gone, but celebrate the life they led and honor their spirit by living well and upholding their traditions. Think of them when you behold glory in your life, and think on them when you achieve, and believe me young one you have achieved a lot since your first post here. A piece of your heart will always belong to her, but that piece you were never meant to have...The piece I gave to my grandmother that got me out of that house I honor everyday by being an honest and just man just as she intended me to be. I guess honor the piece of heart you gave your mother by being compassionate and humble. I know you can do it, and each time you do, the burden of loss will lessen.

Congrats to everyone staying clean with me. It is hard but the returns are excellent. The returns are not financial, nor are they generally admiration of people I once grifted...but I can wake up and have no need for scams. I no longer need to count my money in tens. I no longer feel worthless when truly my worth is immeasurable.

Remember: Life takes time. We spent our lives as the walking dead for so long that we missed out on the sweet mystery and beauty presented to us...now we have a chance to recapture that. I bid a good morning to all and hopefully you find a little piece of beauty to hold onto.
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It's hard to want to celebrate life when I lost literally my whole world that night. My mom is the only person I have ever had in my life and fuck even she wasn't there for most of it because she was so far into her addiction. And that's what sucks the absolute fucking most. She would be coming up to her 18 months soon. She was getting clean and getting her life back. Even though I was using, I could feel that mom and daughter relationship and connection coming back. I wanted that feeling more than anything in my whole life. I never got that from her, I was always taking care of her or taking care of myself. I was the mom and she was the child, my whole life. Idk like I said it just fucking sucks.
BUT I do feel like me getting clean and making the decision to actually stay clean every new day and making the decision to actually stay clean when shit gets tough, like last night, IS celebrating life. If I didn't want to be happy about being alive I would of killed myself off by now.
I don't know. My emotions are just all over the fucking place. Which is okay, and totally acceptable (at least, IMHO)

I'm taking it moment by moment, minute by minute because well frankly, that's all I can do.
My sponsor got me a year membership to a gym so now the last 3 days I have been and spent at least a hour there at a time. I feel like getting some exercise, getting out of my bed (FINALLY) is HUGE. I feel like it's going to help me in soo many huge different ways.
I'm doing okay right now.
<3
EXjg
 
It comes in time. Just keep doing what your doing and it will happen. It took me a very long time to understand why things were the way they were, and how they have shaped me. You are doing fine, just keep at it and follow your sponsors lead till someday you have some sponsees that are going through the same shit as you and you know exactly what to say to them.

You will get there...trust me.
 
Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.

-Walt Whitman​
 
I think it would be best to give EXjg a little space when it comes to her morning. Grief is something she is coming to know well, and especially its dynamics. Basically what I'm saying is that she is handling things well, and has sought out the support she needs to get through this. I feel like giving her advice on here isn't doing her much (it any) help (no offense chef).

Anyways, on a happier note, here is a nugget of wisdom for y'all:

XnsiLPO.jpg
 
Moved out of rehab and into a sober living/iop

It's pretty chill so far going to the iop today for the first time. Went to a meeting last night. The thing that kinda scares me is that we pick up some girls for meetings and to take them to iop everyday and I'm not looking for a relationship or anything and they are all super cool attractive girls
Guess it could be worse
 
Junkiegirl23 said:
^ what's going on?
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Got back home and did exactly what I thought I'd do, relapsed. My buddy picked me up at the airport with a syringe already filled with "china white" (fentanyl). I shot it as soon as I got home. That should give some indication of my mindset lately, the fact that I'd shoot fentanyl of all things after a month of being sober.

Since then it's been off to the races once again, and since I have some disposable income now I don't see any reason why I should stop. Honestly the most convincing reason is the fact that I know that I'm a reasonably intelligent young man and that this is a idiotic waste of time (and a waste of my life, basically). The possibility of incarceration or death doesn't really bother me anymore. I know so many friends/people in prison right now it's fucking stupid. And death...that's something I've had to come to terms with in my life, since my health is failing me (which predates & is unrelated to my drug use) and honestly death via OD kind of seems like the easy way out.

needle.jpg
 
burnt: You will be okay man. Everyone makes mistakes. Get your mindset of death. I got health problems too, but hey I want to see it to the end and maybe take a few french canadians with me.
 
Hi folks! I've been abstinent from stims for 30 days, psychs for 60, and marijuana for over 90 days! Anyway, that's pretty monumental for me, since I generally never abstain, but just moderate (when I can). But I put together this stack of supplements, that's really helped keep me feeling strong and without cravings, and thought I'd share it with the SL crowd. I'm coupling a healthy diet (beans beans they're good for your heart) and daily exercise (nothing insane) and I feel ten years younger. Much love to all of you. Peace!
 
I've decided that I'm gonna try and quit again. I haven't done any H today, only some kratom to help stave off WD symptoms. Yesterday I didn't do any H either, except for one hit that was shared with me over at someone's house. I sat around there after deciding to stop by and say "hi" & smoke a bowl with these acquaintances of mine, and while I was over there I watched people fight over a trivial amount of dope money. Then someone asked me if I'd been fucking this one girl that we both knew, who's relation to me was basically a drug connection, someone who I'd help score and who'd help me score from time to time. I've known here since around October/November of last year. Nope, never even made a pass at her, although she's pretty good looking. Then the guy tells me that she fucked him and his brother when she was living with them. Damn! Apparently if you feed her enough dope you can get in her pants easily.

Anyway, the whole experience just re-affirmed my desire not to be involved in any of that bullshit. Choose your friends wisely, my friends.

Unfortunately, that means that I now have no friends, essentially, at least not in this area.
 
Burnt Offerings said:
Unfortunately, that means that I now have no friends, essentially, at least not in this area.
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That's probably a blessing in disguise. I was in rehab with a heroin addict who a couple of months ago decided to go hang out with his former dealer "because they were friends." He swears up and down he was just there to hang out and not do any H (I have my doubts). Anyway, a couple of thugs kicked in the front door, stole all the cash and drugs in the house and then viciously pistol-whipped everyone. He ended up with a bunch of staples in his scalp. There is a reason that once you've decided to stop, it's recommended you cut ties with your former associates.
 
Yeah it didn't make me feel particularly comfortable...typical drug scene...a couple people on felony probation, including the guy I was visiting, who'd been tweaking for four days with no sleep, drugs/drug paraphernalia/a 9mm handgun on the table, etc.
 
Tomorrow marks 3 weeks clean of my pill addiction!!

Life is better, I feel positive about the future for the first time in a long time!

I could not have done it with out all of your stories and advice, as well as friends and fam!!

Stay strong everyone, you can do it!!
 
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