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January Getting/Staying Clean v. Sober for the New Year

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Totally Capt'n! Sending you and all my other BL friends and all other BL here, not to mention a special someone (you know who are <3 :)), lots of wholesome lovingkindness vibes, all well as to all the people and entities all around the world and throughout the universe, friend as well as advisory:

  • May you be safe;
  • May you have good health;
  • May you be free from pain and discomfort;
  • May you be practice equanimity in all things;
  • May you be be free from anxiety, depression and fear;
  • May you find success in your endeavors and share it with those around you;
  • May you recognize your challenges;
  • May you allow your challenges to be as they are and accept them for what they are;
  • May you investigate them with lovingkindness and;
  • May you avoid identifying your challenges as inherent, avoid internalizing them, allow them to pass through you (non-identification[;;
  • May you overcome them;
  • May you allow them to pass through you.
 
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Thanks man <3

Grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change
The strength to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
 
The last few days of December was hellish. Being that I've relapsed off of methamphetamine and heroin, I've had this habit for 4 months until my dope dude went to jail and the meth dude moved to pursue a clean life. I was happy for the man, as this always lead him to dangerous sexual activities with other men. I had hope the dude finds a man that loves him for who he is rather than the drugs he has.

I was in the process of tapering off of heroin. I've had a gram and spreaded 100mg into three 20mg and one 40mg IV to last. I was able top get down to three 15mg shots and one 30mg shot. The biggest question was, how the hell I'm going to work without feeling like shit once I'm out? Meth cessation was easy to manage with the right supplements, although meth crashes and opiate withdrawal at the same time is not an easy task. Luckily I had quit meth before going back to work. The sleep helps. That's one addiction gone.

I've managed to meet one dude at my job, which I had no idea, but sold suboxones. After my last dope hit was gone, I waited and waited until I've caved and bought suboxones.

I was on the brink of withdrawals. Sweats, goosebumps, anxiety, yawning. I took a suboxone hoping to feel better until I started experiencing precipitated withdrawals while ringing a customer up. While some were wearing a short sleeve, I was shivering with a sweater on. Many noticed but I had to lie and say that I caught something. My anxiety levels were sky high and my whole body was in pain. I left home early due to it, but then felt great relief once I was walking on the way to home. I felt happy but I knew it wasn't over yet.

I've managed to taper down from 4mg to 2mg after a month, while skipping a dose on my off day. I was stuck on 2mg for the longest time until one day I gave my dude some money, promising he'll catch me Tuesday. He was never there, nor the next day. I was running short and he ignored my calls and texts. My anxiety rose and I needed to do something quick.

I've had a choice: Hop on the train to cop shit or go through hell and survive. I've said fuck it and went to the grocery store.

Acetaminophen, ibuprofen, naproxen, magnesium, l-tyrosine, loperamide, valerian root, dextromethorphan, I was desperate to become clean again. The loperamide helped a little with goosebumps, but the pain was still somewhat there. After 4 days of experiencing 12mg of loperamide and a clogged up GI tract, I've told myself, fuck it. I'm only extending my misery.

Then it happened. The worst of it. The anxiety, pain, perspiration, goosebumps, and the lifeless teary face that I've had. I've had to leave early one day but I went through it and fought it. Several nights of kicking, screaming due to anger, and waking up every 30 only to feel like my bones want to control my muscles.

December 30. I've finally had a good night sleep. My pain is gone and for once I feel human again. I am very fortunate to never go through PAWS.

My love and appreciation for music and aesthetics of life came souring back to me. I was able to talk to people in a confidant manner again. My libido came back with a vengeance and flirting with women hasn't felt so good for the longest time. I feel that my life has meaning again and playing games with them felt VERY rewarding. It's been too long, because heroin and tina can be possessive bitches.

The days that went by only got better. Walking feels less like a chore and feels rewarding.

Skip to today. Went to the gym, lifted some heavy weights. Although I've gained some weight, I feel confidant enough to get back in shape like I used to be 7 years ago.

But this time I have to be on guard at all times. Before my relapse, I was clean for more than a year(off of heroin and meth at least).

I plan to stop drinking too, but the real question is: How long can I feel this good for? How long can I maintain my composure without having to relapse? I've kept my guard up and even refused cocaine from some coworkers. The clean feeling felt too good, but it won't feel good forever. There will be adversity and challenges in life.

I know that I'll face struggles again, but this time I've become stronger and become more vigilant. I'm hoping that this year will be a great year and I hope that everyone else is going to experience a great year too.
 
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All of my friends who quit smoking weed together with me have fallen back into the habit, last man standing here.
Today I got hired for a full time job, Order picker at a whole sale catering supplier. I'm really excited about it, nice co-workers, great vibe and a proper salary.
Things are going in the right direction :)
 
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

-Jimmy Dean​
 
Day 9 of freedom for me!!

Having some bad cravings today unfortunately :(

Trying to stay strong! Fighting the urges, I've come to far!

I can't do it again! Not now.
 
Thank you CH!

I never thought I would make it this far!!

It's not easy, but god dammit, I am doing my best! (PAWS is EVIL)

I hope you are having a good day today as well!
 
^ that's awesome CH! I'm sorry you're in pain. I hope things start feeling better for you.

I'm at 48 days today.
Still haven't slept, been up for 8 nights with the exception of not even 14 hours or some shit, total.
I'm in so much pain too but it's my brain and heart that are hurting. I feel broken and defective.
:(
I'm just over it, over it all.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Wow, I hope you get some sleep soon. <3
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Thanks CH <3 I'm feeling better now. Totally better actually. I might just be able to get some rest tonight :)
I really hope things start looking up for you. I really do. You're doing soo amazing, I want you to feel amazing too (which I really feel like you will<3)

toothpastedog said:
Only 29 more days!!!!!!!! Hells.yeahs =D %)
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<3 I know I can't waitttt.
 
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