Feels like I have so much to lose...
Weird, almost as if I'm in love with her already, but I've only met her once before...
That sentence gave me a visceral reaction. We are in a VERY similar situation my friend. I used to have a crush on this girl that use to work at my gym literally 10 years ago. Little did ?I know, she had a big crush on me during the same time, but we were both too shy to act on it. Now TEN years later, we start talking through Tinder, of all places. We set up a first date, and sadly I had to cancel last minute due to work and I could tell she was really dissapointed. I got another shot at it and number one, she looked absolutely gorgeous. If you saw her walking down the street you would swear she was the porn star Sophia Santi. We had an amazing first date and I had chemistry with this girl like I've never felt before. We went back to her place.....well I'll leave that part there. Anyway, so the second date comes around. I could swear that she felt that same connection I had with her. It sounds crazy but I honestly felt like I loved this girl. So what does my STUPID FUCKIN ASS decide to do after being months clean off everything? I pick up 10 xanax.
I think I ate about 6 xanax bars throughout the night and could barely keep my eyes open and was probably making an ass of myself. She then started inquiring from friends years back that, "oh yeah, that kid does drugs and is into some dangerous and shady shit, stay away." She broke it off with me after only 2 dates and let me tell you, it hurt more than girl that I've had to leave or been broken up with when we've went out for years. Like Sonny from Bronx Tale say's, "you only get 3 great ones in this life." My first ex was one, but shes ding bat crazy, and this girl, oh man, this girl was definitely the second.
This of course gave me the rationalization of poor me and started my gorilla sized benzo habit I have to this day, when all this started in February I believe.
Damn, just hearing you say that brought up so many feels.
Feels bad man
If I were you, and you truly care about this girl, come up with an excuse to not see her. Any typical lie will due. Stuck at work. Car accident. Etc. If you truly have feelings for her, don't fuck up what might become something beautiful by doing more speed and acting like a lunatic, or eating some benzos to deal with the crash because you're going to feel like shit no matter what. Just call it off and recover for another day. Learn from my mistake. Please. I'm begging you. The girl I was talking about literally gave me butterflies in my stomach when I use to think about her and I am in my early 30's. Please don't fuck this up if you care about her. :*(