enquerencia1980
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2014
- Messages
- 34
I've now been clean for eighteen days. I'm off loperamide now too, for about six days, but I still feel pretty sick. Nothing like those first terrible six or seven days, but still kinda rotten inside. I wake up with mild diarrhea, then I do some sit ups and push ups, take a shower and shave, and then some dishes or other housework, then off to work. I feel fatigued throughout the day and by the end of my ten hour shift I'm completely exhausted. Before heroin I could work like that every day and still have the energy to party every night, but now it's a struggle just to get through the shift. I've been sleeping pretty okay, just don't feel rested when I wake up. I've noticed that I feel the most fatigued right after smoking a cigarette and for about two hours after, so I've decided to quit smoking even though I don't feel like I'm through the heroin withdrawals completely yet. I also still have some real problems in my lungs, and I figure it'll be good for me on a lot of levels, if the nicotine withdrawals don't piggy back on the heroin withdrawals and make me want to kill myself. But the last time I quit smoking it ran its course in three or four days and then I felt fantastic, so if I have to suffer more now to feel better later, it's worth it.
I'm wondering now if the dope I was getting was cut with methadone or something longer acting than just heroin, leading to a longer period of withdrawal, or if I just have a lot of damage in my body that's taking a long time to heal, and that I didn't notice when I was on dope. I suppose it doesn't matter, so long as I get better soon. I'm not even contemplating using again (or at least in not letting myself contemplate it seriously), and I've found myself wondering how I'm going to cope if I never feel better. In a way, embracing the permanence of my condition and just forcing myself through life feeling like I'm wearing a lead suit has given me its own kind of drive. After all, if I am stuck feeling like this forever, I can't very well just hole up in bed and hide from the world, so I kick myself in the ass and take the bull by the horns.
But I will get better, right? I mean, I know I'll get better eventually. Right?
I'm wondering now if the dope I was getting was cut with methadone or something longer acting than just heroin, leading to a longer period of withdrawal, or if I just have a lot of damage in my body that's taking a long time to heal, and that I didn't notice when I was on dope. I suppose it doesn't matter, so long as I get better soon. I'm not even contemplating using again (or at least in not letting myself contemplate it seriously), and I've found myself wondering how I'm going to cope if I never feel better. In a way, embracing the permanence of my condition and just forcing myself through life feeling like I'm wearing a lead suit has given me its own kind of drive. After all, if I am stuck feeling like this forever, I can't very well just hole up in bed and hide from the world, so I kick myself in the ass and take the bull by the horns.
But I will get better, right? I mean, I know I'll get better eventually. Right?