is he gonna maake it?

[enquerencia1980]

So I think my neighbor is in real trouble. He's been smoking heroin a lot lately and although he just tried it for the first time in January of this year he thinks it's gotten way out of hand, and now he's broke, and he has to kick.

Even before he first started I told him this was going to end in addiction. He tried to say it was just going to be every once in a while, that he would not get addicted. He read that if he stuck to a certain schedule he could avoid withdrawals and keep his tolerance low. The thing is, I explained to him, what he was describing to me was essentially addiction MANAGEMENT, and that while this was certainly a more healthy thing to do than simply allowing the addiction to do whatever it wants, it's still addiction. Before he went out and scored for the first time, we had a long talk by ourselves in the living room of my apartment that night.

It's important to know that for quite some time before all this, probably eight or nine months, he had been taking a 30mg IR oxycodone two or three nights a week.

Anyway during our talk he sorta came around to my way of seeing things, but decided he wanted to try heroin anyway. This is what he said about it: "Okay, yes, I will get addicted. In a very real way I'm already addicted. I've wanted to do heroin for years but I've always been afraid. That fear means that I respect the power of the drug over my mind. In a way I think I need to embrace this demon, learn what it is and where it came from, and ultimately destroy it. I will not let it take the things that are most important to me, which are my marriage, my gainful employment, and my creative, kind personality."

That night he bought two grams of black tar. At first he really didn't know how to smoke it, but after the first gram he developed a very good technique and was getting insanely high, nodding off, itching all over, in a state of absolute bliss, lying on the couch with his eyes closed scratching every inch of his clammy body. He didn't smoke any heroin the third day, but then it was ten days before he took another day off, and then it was thirty days before he took a day off, and that was just because he was broke. And the thing is, he makes pretty good money. He had his first withdrawals that day. It started with a runny nose, then his eyes started watering and his stomach started feeling like it does right before he went on stage with his band (which to date he has only done twice, so I'm talking really nervous), and then he took the first real shit he had taken in weeks, followed immediately by pooping out everything that wasn't nailed down between his lips and his asshole.

It was amazing how fast this drug took hold of him. I knew he would get addicted, but even rational, cautious, voice of reason enquerencia here was stunned by the speed and thoroughness with which heroin owned my neighbor.

Tonight he bought his last gram. And even though I don't have scales it sure looks like a half gram to me. It just kinda drives the point home, this is a shitty game, you can't win, you can't break even, and It's time to get out.

He had been debating switching ROA to plugging because smoking wasn't really doing it for him, and tonight when he was about to go out and buy I sat him down and had a talk. This is what I said: "Look, you have sixty dollars left, and you got paid TODAY! The way you're going, spending every cent you have, overdrawing your account, paying rent late, you're on course to not be able to pay your bills next paycheck. And with the sixty some dollars you do have, if you spend all that on junk it's gonna last you three days and then you're gonna kick with no coping medicine. And look at yourself! You didn't sleep last night worried your check was going to be too small to buy junk after you pay rent. And what's going to happen when your wife learns the extent of your drug abuse? She still thinks you're not addicted. She has no idea you use every night. You need to go the Walgreens and stock up on Imodium and benadryl and vitamins.

What he ended up doing was buying a half gram of cheap street dope, generic Imodium, a huge amount of benadryl (on sale), and twelve grams of kratom that he was told was "very strong."

I'm really worried that he's once again made some poor decisions. He never listens to me. I'm also worried that he isn't going to be able to work in withdrawal, especially on the second day (he has tomorrow off). Also, big surprise, the heroin is already gone, maybe that's best, but he had planned to take small hits when things got bad.

Is he gonna make it? I'm really worried for him, and I very, very much empathize. I feel like I'm going through it with him.

(I realize this is probably the wrong sub-forum for this, but I don't know how to move it, and I don't want to lose it.)

 

[_DankOpiAmp_]

So you are the one with the heroin problem I see. You will be sent police assistance immediately.

 

[enquerencia1980]

Yeah, clever. I just kind of liked the way the thing read that way. Thanks everybody. Jeez. It was a literary device used to represent the way I and addicts in general often feel like they are of two minds... I'm sure it would be a massive failure as an attempt to effectively disguise my identity. But I liked that it also served that function.

Now, if we can move past the critique of my writing style, does anyone out there feel like being helpful?

 

[enquerencia1980]

So you are the one with the heroin problem I see. You will be sent police assistance immediately.

Is this really the only response I'm going to get on this. I realize my literary gimmick might have put some people off, but it really was just that. I fancy myself a writer, and like most people who think they're writers when they're not, I am always complicating the simple and fixing things that aren't broke. In this case I took oil paint to a game of win, lose, or draw.

I really intended it to be quite obvious. I'm not trying to hide.

What I am trying to do is find some support. Rehab isn't an option, I can't afford that kind of thing. I think I'm doing the right thing by putting an end to it now. I think I'm not in too deep just yet, I haven't started shooting, and I only use (ed, it's now been almost twelve hours, but that is still well within the range of a normal day) once a day, albeit for up to three or even sometimes four hours a night. I think I can beat it, with the kratom and the lopermide and benadryl. Maybe i should have said so directly, but i was hoping someone else would say that to me.

Nevertheless, I'm finding the process of writing helpful, so I'm going to keep doing it.

I'm new to this community, and so far pretty disappointed and underwhelmed. And cocoapuff, why did you delete your contribution? At least you sounded like you kinda cared.

Anyway, I've been doing some research, and i think i sould try to get more kratom and lopermide. It sounds like a lot of people have gotten through on those. I wanna ask if anybody knows if kratom will make me fatigued or lose focus at work, but since my success rate on this thread with questions asked and answered is so abysmal, I'll just say that's what I'm going to research next and leave it at that.

The withdrawals will be starting in about nine hours.

 

[T. Calderone]

Kratom should help you get through, just be careful not to trade addictions. See how it works for you tomorrow. Also immodium is useful by itself for withdrawals without the kratom. I'm afraid if you use both that you might get constipated. One thing I noticed is benedryl increases restless legs for me so that may or may not help you.

This is a good chance for you to wean yourself off heroin. Don't go back to it when you have money, think of all you have to lose. And imagine all the useful things you could do without it. I'm not trying to sound preachy and I never listened when people tried to talk to me. Just my two cents, take care!

 

[enquerencia1980]

Kratom should help you get through, just be careful not to trade addictions. See how it works for you tomorrow. Also immodium is useful by itself for withdrawals without the kratom. I'm afraid if you use both that you might get constipated. One thing I noticed is benedryl increases restless legs for me so that may or may not help you.

This is a good chance for you to wean yourself off heroin. Don't go back to it when you have money, think of all you have to lose. And imagine all the useful things you could do without it. I'm not trying to sound preachy and I never listened when people tried to talk to me. Just my two cents, take care!

That's weird what you say about benadryl and restless leg syndrome. The last time I had withdrawals and tried to sleep I finally turned to benadryl specifically because of RLS and it worked for me! If we're referring to the same thing. Is RLS the feeling like your skeleton wants to jump out of your skin and run around smashing into things? Because benadryl really helped with that and I was able to sleep.

As to sounding preachy, don't worry about that. The only reason I haven't kicked sooner is I'm scared of the withdrawals. If I have to go through it, I only want to go through it once. I'm embracing this as my chance to get out. And since I have no money for eleven days, I can't possibly slip up until at least the worst of withdrawals are over.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply BTW.

I haven't taken either the lopermide or the kratom, because the withdrawals haven't started yet. I'm expecting it to start with a runny nose around midnight. The last time I seriously felt like I was pooping out things I ate in elementary school, so I'm not too worried about constipation. Hell, I was constipated most of last week from dope anyway! ?But I do appreciate your concern.

But maybe I won't need both. Which one should I take first? I've never taken kratom before, and although the lopermide helped last time, I had to take a whole bottle that day (and I still had the runs, but not quite so savagely, and with less gastric pain). If I take the kratom how much should I start with? I only have 12g, but the guy at the store said it was "very strong."

 

[_DankOpiAmp_]

I would take both since neither does it completely. Take enough immondium at once and it should do the trick (like 10-20x the normal amount. Order it off the net cheaper. Kratom is usually more pricey so see how you do. You are going to be shitting regardless so you might as well go through full withdrawals when not working or sleeping or else it will last forever. If it fails try methadone, since you were into the maintenance thing, however conflicted you were about it.

I'm calling bullshit on the literally technique thing though.

 

[enquerencia1980]

I'm calling bullshit on the literally technique thing though.

Okay. It really doesn't matter, but like I said, it was both... The conversational aspect of my decision to start heroin and my decision to quit would have been hard to write about another way, as would have been my conflicted feelings about addiction maintenance. Not really sure why you're still focused on that...

Anyway, I'm about to go to work, feeling pretty sluggish and have a little runs. I'm going to take the lopermide now and bring the kratom with me. I'm only going to take it if I really need it, because I'm a little worried about being on it at work. But if I'm feeling too shitty to work anyway...

Well, thanks for the replies. I'll check in again in about eleven hours.

 

[cj]

Luckily your not in extremely deep yet. You think you are but your not. Cut your losses take the immodium and kratom to ease the kick and you will be better in 5-6 days. Then the battle will start. I don't have a clue what to do after that personally. Some people say meetings some say maintenance some say fun things. Everyone says avoid the people places and things that you did while using. I wish you luck your gonna need it.

 

[enquerencia1980]

Thanks crimsonjunk. I've read a lot of other people's posts and I know I'm not as deep in as a lot, maybe even most addicts. Makes me feel good to know that this is a good time to be doing this. Made it through work, getting ready to walk home. Usually on my way home I walk through the "bad" neighborhood so I can score, but tonight, even though I'm broke I'm gonna walk around it.

The good thing is I've managed to keep my heroin use a secret from almost everyone, and even the people that know have never done it with me or been with me when I was high, so as long as I stay off the block I used to buy on, I won't have a lot of triggers. The bad news is, that block is less than half a mile from my house.

I felt sluggish all day. Fortunately as the manager I had plenty of help tonight and didn't need to do a lot of work myself, but tomorrow I have very few people, and I'll have to step up my game. I finished off the lopermide, and I took 2g of kratom. Spaced out throughout the night. My stomach feels pretty okay actually. I just want to lie down and not think.

Thank goodness I have some weed at home.

I'll have to probably get more lopermide tomorrow.

 

[enquerencia1980]

Flash forward six months.


I stayed clean almost all the way to October, but sometime mid-September I fell off the wagon and used again. One of the problems was that while I didn't have a lot of outside sources, like people and places, that I associated with heroin, what triggered it for me was the four hours I spend alone every night from the time I get home from work at around 3-4 am until usually after my wife leaves for work at 5-6am. I didn't even realize it, but I was, and still am, severely depressed and lonely.


The first time I used, I bought a twenty and smoked half of it. Afterwards I threw the other half away and didn't use again for a week. By October I was using daily. I quit for a few days at a time successfully a few times, but by December I was having to use immediately before work, immediately after work, and before and after bed. Sometimes those things overlapped, but you get the idea. I was still getting sick every day at work right at the very end, and every night was a race home, usually via the bad neighborhood. I couldn't seem to get high unless I smoked for over an hour practically without stopping, so most of the time I couldn't afford to get high. I was at the point where I was debating switching to the needle. It was that or quit. I really wanted to quit.


And then the unthinkable happened. My rent check bounced. In one day I almost lost everything. My marriage may well be over yet. That all came to a head on Friday. It is now Thursday morning after my sixth day of work in a row since then. Even though there was a ton of money in my account (just not quite enough to clear my rent check), I managed to go all six days without heroin. Lots of loperamide, and st john's wort and valerian root. I can't begin to tell you how horrible the experience was. Ten hour days, all of them until after 2am, all of them busy, all of them under staffed. The fact that I was able to do it at all defies any kind of logic, but the fact was that I had to do it. On Monday, I had to run to the bathroom every thirty minutes, but it wasn't always possible. Several times I nearly had an accident of the most terrible kind. I had left the house without my loperamide, in my sleep deprived, dope-sick fever. Loperamide helped with the runs, I realized, but even worse than that was the feeling of terror, guilt, and emotional anguish that enveloped my body like a cold, sick fog. And the constant urge to break down and bawl my eyes out. All morning at home after work Sunday night, I cried and wailed in my bed and didn't sleep a wink. I forced myself out of bed at ten am to go figure out how to correct my rent situation. I walked downtown, and then up to the marina, from the landlord's office to their lawyers office. I was glad to find them both open despite the holiday. I was able to settle with them and keep my apartment, but at a huge monetary cost. A cost that will leave me with practically no money for food or fun for the next full month. And then I walked to work for the worst shift of my life.


I still don't feel great, but I'm nearly off loperamide now. It never helped with anything but the runs, so I just started taking two or four milligrams at a time as needed after Monday. I've had a couple of urgent situations, but Monday was the worst of it. What I've been through these last six days has been like a trial by fire. I've put myself in a situation where I now have to fight for everything I took for granted before. Especially my marriage. Things may never recover, and divorce hangs on my horizon like a big black bird. I still feel horribly depressed, I still feel cold ALL THE TIME, and I still get occasional waves of terror. But I see heroin for what it is now. It is death. Slow, dark death. And before it kills you it takes everything that you have to live for. If someone out there is reading this and thinking about doing heroin, I hope I have been able to offer you an insight you may not have seen yet. Or if you're newly addicted and thinking that you can quit later, I hope you'll think about quitting now. It will only get harder.

 

[adrenalinerushes]

thanks so much for the update on this. it shows a very real situation in an incredibly genuine way that all people thinking they can manage a heroin addiction, should see. a lot of people on here do post about wanting to try heroin for the first time, and i just skip those posts, because i'd have so much to say that i believe no one would want to hear. everyone has their own opinions on managing that particular addiction but my opinion is based on everyone i've seen with that mindset and how things always turn out the opposite way, their addiction is controlling them and not the way they intended. even with the most genuine of intentions it just doesn't work out that way. ugh. it's so awful and sad, words don't do much justice.

things WILL recover, i can assure you they will. you are incredibly strong and have beat this. it may feel hopeless or helpless for a while but you'll get yourself back. a stronger and more experienced version of yourself.

i'm so sorry to hear about your marriage, were you keeping your usage a secret? i hope you guys can endure what has happened and become stronger together. if you love her just fight for it. idk much about it so i can't say much but i hope the best for you.

you're strong. hopefully you consider using your knowledge and experience to help others who may be going through what you went through. maybe you'll meet someone who is thinking the way you were in your first post, and you can tell them the reality of the situation and how much you had that same mindset and what came of it. you have the ability to change someone's mind, or to at least think about the way they feel towards the drug, whatever it may be, someone else could benefit in a huge way from your very real experience. maybe you could even save someone's life. it's a big way to think but it's not impossible. i cope with having been addicted by helping other people in the situation i was in. it helps tremendously with any feelings of guilt and regret i have. it makes me feel like there's a reason or purpose to even the worst decisions i have made.

herbal supplements may come in handy now if you're still feeling off, it does take time for your body and mind to recover fully. as i'm sure you know by now. the brain heals itself very quickly. i found that cardio and working out in general was helpful and sped up my recovery to feeling more normal. even yoga, anything to break a sweat, helps the brain repair itself and chemical dependency things to reverse. IMO and from what a doctor told me during my time with this.

you made it out alive. no methadone and no suboxone. no liquid handcuffs. you just did it with yourself which should make you feel pretty good.

p.s. i cannot imagine having to work and deal with all that you had on your plate while withdrawaling, wow. many props to you for getting thru that. that's intense for sure. don't know how you did it but so glad you did and glad the physical stuff is over with!

 

[enquerencia1980]

Thanks for your response adrenalinerushes. I'm in serious need of some kind of support, and your words finally gave me some relief from the feeling of being completely alone. Thank you.

My wife is so disgusted with me, and angry with me, she is offering me absolutely no comfort at all. I don't blame her, but she's the only person who knows about it, and with her full and concentrated scorn bearing down on me, there is no help to be found there. She knew about my use before the first post, and she believed that I had quit for good. The bounced rent check was what brought the truth to light.

I'm going to look into finding a meeting to go to tomorrow, my first day off since the bad day.

The fact that I was able to work through my withdrawals should not give anyone the idea that they must not have been that bad. I am incredibly strong and always have been. I grew up on a farm and have worked hard since before I can remember. That's part of why I thought I could manage heroin. But I want to reiterate, this experience nearly destroyed me. I can only explain how I came through it as the good graces of God. I'm an atheist, so you take that for exactly what I mean by it. It put the fear of God in me. Part of my recovery is going to involve finding some kind of solution to the conflict that creates for me as a confirmed atheist, but that's a problem for another thread, or another forum, or a meeting.

I don't like the idea of meetings, but I've never been to one, and I think I should at least try it.

 

[BeachBum4u]

OP, I can really relate to the loneliness that can come over you when your partner isn't home for hours on end. I got laid off many years ago and my wife would leave for work early and often work late. I'd be in the house alone for 12-14 hours a day. I'd often over use my pain medication and end up short at the end of some months and let's just say, I can relate to what you wrote about your experiences with WD's. The whole deal kind of compounds itself in that; I use, I need more, that's depressing, shit,no one's home, I take more meds than I should, I get depressed, I don't want to leave the house. Basically a vicious cycle! I hope you can work things out but never feel like you're the only one going through all this shit. Feel free to drop me a line anytime. Good Luck

 

[Hemptress]

Hahaha I was 72 hours in and started thinking, out of the clear blue, that slamming myself into the wall and other things around the house was a good detox coping strategy!

Awww OP you are describing what we all felt in the dark hours...and many of us (but not enough) just kept coping with it day after day until one day you wake up and you realize you are happy again and you feel good and at that point I never wanted any...I just don't have the same eagerness to trade any amount of nodding for that detox ever again. That's just me though.

If you hang tf in there and stop setting the reset on your recovery every time you cave and use again you would recover a lot faster. You will eventually be more than okay you will feel great BUT that kind of accomplishment doesn't just fall in your lap. You know you are going to have to invest a significant effort (NOT using....ever) into achieving sobriety after heroin. DUH ITS HEROIN! You knew this going in.

You got sprung because you wanted to "slay the beast"! Hahahaha she slays back though right! Think of it as her death rattle. She will only get weaker the longer you don't EVER use. Time is on your side.

How you feel right now is the only way back to freedom. It's necessary. It's downhill from here but its not going to go from how you feel right now to 100% immediately...so just get comfortable and try to keep yourself distracted. I'm sure you've overcame far more difficult obstacles in your life!

You REALLY REALLY CAN do this!

 

[enquerencia1980]

Hemptress, you are right on. The whole debacle over my rent check, the still possible divorce looming on my horizon, and the realization of my own selfish stupidity, combined with the now twelve days of withdrawal hell have all combined to make me very committed to not using ever again. In addition, I have done some real damage to my lungs and sinuses from chasing on foil and snorting monkey water, and this may take some time to recover from.

I have been through a lot in my life, growing up on a failing farm with two alcoholic drug addict parents and working my way to become a restaurant manager in San Francisco, along with an absolutely absurd number of crazy obstacles and unbelievable events. I overcame a drinking problem, survived a failed attempt to start a business in a new city, and have basically lived a life worthy of novelization, but I'm not entirely sure that I have been through anything harder than cleaning up the mess that heroin made of my life, with my full consent.

The whole time that I was using, after my last major attempt to quit, I kept saying to myself "this is going to be bad. When all these consequences catch up with me, this is going to be really, really bad." But I couldn't seem to find the motivation to put an end to it until it finally did catch up, and when it did, it was even worse than I had imagined.

Thanks for your response. It's good to hear from someone who has been where I am now and has come through it.

 

[enquerencia1980]

Something else I want to say to anyone out there trying to quit heroin on their own for the first time, or just thinking about using heroin and /or curious about how addiction to heroin works, you have to think about withdrawals as a very lopsided bell curve. The ride up the bell is kinda slow. It takes three or four days to hit the peak. But the ride back down is even slower. It is day twelve for me and I feel just slightly better than I did yesterday. However, I feel much better than I did that terrible Monday, which was day four, and was the clear winner for "worst day of my life," including the day my mother died in a car accident.

By I do feel a little better every day. And there are some completely free things that help a lot. Exercise, anything that breaks a sweat, eating things like fruit and vegetables, but especially fruit. Masturbating. It's followed by a short period of feeling slightly disgusted with yourself, but you can talk yourself down from that with a little basic knowledge of human behavior, and in the moment you'll feel more alive than you have since heroin. Hot baths and showers. I guess that's not totally free, but only a marginal extra expense on the water bill you already pay. And the feeling of being clean and fresh is priceless when the inside of your body feels like Satan and fifty demons have had a blood orgy in there. Meditation. For me, I shave my head every day. This functions to make me feel clean and fresh, and also gives me a period of time every day where I have to focus deeply on a mundane task. It's super zen. Anything creative. Draw, paint, sing, dance, whatever. I play guitar and sing in a band, and it is such a release to really belt out my lyrics out lose myself in a guitar solo. Seek out people who can understand what you're going through. Maybe that means meetings, or maybe you already know someone. But even though I was frustrated with my initial response to this thread, I have now been in private contact with a few members, and I can confidently day that you will find help here. In fact, you can send me a private message any time you want. I'll reply to all of them. And finally, have fun! Do something that makes you happy, especially if it's also physical. Any time you enjoy yourself you train your brain to release its own endorphins again. Even basic socialization will help, but things like sports and especially things that require focus like rock climbing will be especially rewarding. You may feel like you have to force yourself to do these things, but sometime in the middle of doing it, you'll be very glad you did. Oh, and "fake it til you make it." It may seem impossible to crack a smile at your boss, but do it. Make a joke at lunch. Pat your coworker on the back. Act like you're just fine. Don't complain. Complaining gives heroin strength. In fact, every second that you feel shitty, heroin is pouring its energy into you! You get stronger and heroin gets weaker. It is giving you the strength to destroy it! But like hemptress said in her post, the most important thing is to NEVER USE AGAIN! The second you use, you give heroin back all the energy it has given you, and then it takes some more. The only way to win is constant vigilance. And even if you've been here once or twice or ten times before, that's still true. Let it pour every ounce of hell it has into you. That's the fuel you need to win!

Good luck out there.

 

[Erikmen]

Yeah, clever. I just kind of liked the way the thing read that way. Thanks everybody. Jeez. It was a literary device used to represent the way I and addicts in general often feel like they are of two minds... I'm sure it would be a massive failure as an attempt to effectively disguise my identity. But I liked that it also served that function.

Now, if we can move past the critique of my writing style, does anyone out there feel like being helpful?

I really think it´s gonna be difficult for him to quit this at once and like you expect. From my experience that takes more than one try to make it right.
Also if I understood well, he´s trying to get off the situation he has now. Not really looking up for the future. He needs to understand that in order to stop, IMO, you need to be very committed and even though it´s gonna be harsh.
Keep on trying, be with him. Although when people face these situations they are more likely to hear their wishes than rationalize yours.
Just a question though, not important, just something I wanted to know. How can he smoke tar H? People normally find it difficult.

 

[enquerencia1980]

I really think it´s gonna be difficult for him to quit this at once and like you expect. From my experience that takes more than one try to make it right.
Also if I understood well, he´s trying to get off the situation he has now. Not really looking up for the future. He needs to understand that in order to stop, IMO, you need to be very committed and even though it´s gonna be harsh.
Keep on trying, be with him. Although when people face these situations they are more likely to hear their wishes than rationalize yours.
Just a question though, not important, just something I wanted to know. How can he smoke tar H? People normally find it difficult.

You clearly didn't read the whole thread. But I still appreciate your contribution.

FWIW, smoking tar is way easier than almost anything else you can do with it. I got really good at it. But I'm completely done with that now. And for the first time in a year, my future is looking up.

 

[Erikmen]

I did read. I´m sorry you feel that way. I was focus in responding to your first post though.
I saw your afterthoughts and find it amazing that you have conquered so much.
I still fell very tired. Try not to think and act. Save my energy to work. And share my thoughts here, which also helps me a lot.
It seems that my endorphin is not yet replaced in its integrity.
I wish you the best of luck!