• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

TDS Introduce Yourself! Version: Hello! Hola! Bonjour! 你好!

hello..i m george 35 from grecce..i m hooked 20 years and i ve try almost everything to stop my adiction sometimes it went ok and pass few years sober more times not(p.s i m sorry for my terible english)i m looking for a way out of addiction or life it really doesnt have much difference for me in that time..i sure belong to the dark side so i introduse my self to you..maybe someday i ll be in a better mode and write more things..anyway nice to found you..
 
Hey, george, nice to meet you. Your English is near perfect.:) I am always embarrassed to be a monolingual American when someone apologizes for their English and they speak quite well. I have been trying to learn Spanish forever and I'm sure that I do not write half as well as your paragraph.

I'm sorry to hear how long you have battling addiction. It makes for an exhausting life and you must feel very tired. If you have gone years then you know you have it in you. Don't be discouraged, there is always hope.<3
 
Que pasa buen dia

My name is Kee. I'm. 32 as of today. Its not my birthday or anything. Sweet cake would be a treat though.

I'm going though withdrawals at the moment from tramadol and xanax and phenibut. I am tapering my doses of phenibut am tramadol. Had xanax but used it all with an agonist (dangerous combination!) not long ago.

I have abused opiates. Who doesn't? I've tried just chipping and drawing doses thin to make a stash last (speaking mostly about true agonists like morphine). Tramadol is something I picked up in between. Combining trams with phenibut seemed to work good. What got me and usually gets me is doing the drugs too often. Not giving my receptors time to normalize.

Here is what I'm currently doing....

1. Staying hydrated and trying to avoid alcohol.

2. Taking kava extract pills ~2000mg kavalactone dose.

3. Trying to keep it together. The toughest part but I have been through this before and know that this too shall pass.

Well, just wanted to introduce myself.
 
Hello! ¡Hola! Bonjour! Servus! Salam!

My name is Matt, 33 and I live in Vermont now but I have lived in Bavaria on and off, my grandparents on my mom's side are from there as is my biological dad. I have ADHD and had my first manic episode when I was 5 and stayed up all summer (I was diagnosed with both and a neuropsych did it and did all sorts of EEG tests and everything) and I was diagnosed at 7 and my family was abusive after that between my stepdad and half brother being cruel and my mom working and overmedicating me to shut me up I had incidents. Cops never believed it and I was put on Xanax, I was severely addicted to that for 10 years and went through two years of hell. In my manic episodes, I have used all sorts of drugs and ruined my life, at 16 I kicked in someones door and stole my lb of pot stolen back and beat both of them up and was able to graduate because I am really smart and learn fast. I have that luck. I went to jail after I graduated and in VT people don't get raped or anything but I have always been bisexual so I had to be horrible in there or else I feared being raped or hit on a lot and I dressed goth. Bisexual men are shit in society's view so. I have PTSD now too from all of that. I only take Lamictal and Dexedrine and Dexedrine is a sad reality since I started on it as a kid because I take it to not act like one.

My family in Germany have money but I would end up having to work for them because I have the switching job deal, was a cosmetologist after my incarceration, got manic, threatened to burn the salon down, got better, worked as a cake decorator, went nuts there too. Went back to college, double majored in German Studies and International Relations so I could have a B.A. and B.S. and it was boring and easy for me, my internship lead to a job traveling to 14 different countries to interpret Farsi to the Iranians that were there, I ended up promoted to be a manager there and actually left there gracefully and now I tutor grad students who are German majors learning it well enough to do their papers in German.

My worst manic episode was like paranoid schizophrenia and I had no conscience or anything until I was 23 and I felt guilt for the first time and that was traumatic because I was cold hearted. So to think of the horrible life I had and the horrible things I chose to do it was the worst. My stepdad and brother are sociopaths and my mother had the nastier more angry borderline personality disorder, no suicidal tendencies. There are a lot of genuinely wounded, sad people with that issue but my mom was always like that according to my grandparents, she never had trauma issues but her hating and beating on one of us and loving and smothering the other one and it switching at the drop of a hat was a battle and a half and that was how I went cold because I was scared to death of setting her off.

I like a small group of people and am friendly and really loyal and true but I never learned emotions so I am doing this long term Nonviolent Communication course it teaches mindfulness and compassion and self empathy which helps me enable using it on others and it has been said to work and I hope so because I am a bit misanthropic. I liked the traveling and my vacation I saved up for was in Jordan and I saw Petra and the people there are so warm and loving, it wasn't militant and orderly like German culture or American culture which is kind of narcissistic and it really gave me a perspective because we often hear that it is such a horrible part of the world. I went to Beirut with my ex from Germany too and I broke it off with him because of his helicopter mom who wouldn't leave him be at 29 years old and would be condescending to me. He was great. I was almost married to a woman when I was 22. and I don't do the identity politics because I was never ashamed to hide my orientation so I had pros and cons about that. People always assumed I had some sordid sex life and I was never taken seriously and most of the people I have met that aren't bisexual call me a liar, don't think I am going to stay that way or are jealous. I reunited with an ex recently who used to be so sweet but he is completely cruel now. My PTSD is very NOT AGAIN, so I get obsessively vigilant and he thinks I am a complete psycho now because I told him his head games and put downs wouldn't stop me and if he wanted to battle I'd take it up a notch and go manic. My attitude toward the legal system was based on them not doing anything about abuse so I had to change. I like to smoke weed sometimes but I keep my life settled. I just hope to be less of a misanthropist and going to other parts of the world helped me see that even with the different cultures, people are really not as bad as they seem so part of me has hope but the PTSD part of me doesn't have much hope in things... I am working on that. I hope this book series and whatnot helps me because I tend to defend my flaws by being nasty to people thinking, I might be crazy but I am way smarter than you. I feel horrible about being that way but I have no way of really connecting to how people feel and I am just trying to manage my past. I used to smoke cigarettes and still use weed every now and then but I am a health nut about food and exercise and I try to do my best but I have that hyper rebellious streak. I can look professional in a suit and tie but I am covered in tattoos and I always get the people who never seem interested in me but only my "bad boy" appeal but I like my uniqueness. I know I have myself but I obsess. I can learn languages quick and adapt to a lot so I try to focus on the positive and I am in denial about how disconnected from my feelings I really am. I lost my oma in 2007 when I lost it and she was the best grandmother ever. My mom died in 2011 but I was relieved because she'd hunt me down no matter how I deal with her. My brother was trying to snag me but I had to get away from him when I was 18.

Sorry if it is TMI but it seemed to be the theme and I am hyper so I tend to have a ton to say...

Nice to meet you,
 
Welcome, spemat. I can imagine that from both the abuse and the chaos of your early years, not to mention the medications and the implied message that you were the only crazy one in a very crazy sounding family, has left some deep scars. It sounds to me like you are doing everything in your power to change the effects of the cards you were dealt in life and doing a good job of it. Much respect.:)
 
Hi everyone, I thought I should say a proper hello. My name is Kit, I'm a 33 year old woman from Arizona. I'm almost 6 weeks clean from a percoset addiction (vicodin when I couldn't get percoset). It's been the hardest thing I've ever done, much worse than quitting smoking. I'm married, but my husband (good man, good marriage) doesn't even know I was addicted. I was a highly functioning addict, and "only" dosed once a day. It was my happy place... so now life is pretty hard still. I'm still working through physical withdrawals. I've tried kratom (does that mean I am not clean?) but dont' do it every day. I can't stand the taste and don't want to trade addictions... so I don't make it easier on myself to do it. At the most, I did 30 mg percosets a day. I quit cold turkey, for no other reason other than I am tired of being a slave to them. Nothing catastrophic happened to me, I just want to be free. No one knows what I am going through, so I feel pretty alone. I have no dr's help, no friends who know- which is why I am here. Thank God for the internet. :)
 
Hey kiitah welcome to bluelight. How are you liking it here so far? If you need any help feel free to pm me i should be able to point you in the right direction
 
Hello again :)
I've been gone for almost a year I'd say. Time to reintroduce myself!

My name is Wolfie. I'm finally 21 but with enough life experiences and observations to qualify for the AARP.
I've been back in California for about 6months after a year in Alaska.
That year has given me many once-in-a-lifetime experiences that have taught me very valuable life lessons, nature has that effect on us.
Lately in life I have found an even deeper yearn to travel and explore. To see other peoples' ways of life, other views, other voices really helps me see that we are all the seem and yearn to connect.
I hope to connect with each and every person that stretches a kind hand in my direction :)
 
hi I'm Ali.... I feel like a worthless failure. I hate myself more than I ever have. I ruined the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I live with the guilt every day..
 
Hi Ali, the best thing that you can do when you feel you have ruined something is to pick up and take the lessons learned and go forward. People forgive and lives can always take surprising turns so don't create a trap for yourself in your thinking. Try to stay positive. I know it is hard to not take on shame when you feel you have really blown something but we are all human and we all make mistakes. Best thing you can do is to be understanding of yourself and learn your weaknesses so you can work on them. Welcome to TDS.<3
 
Herbavore, I wanted to thank you in regards to your response to my post. Though I have no idea who you are personally, I feel we all share some of the same struggles and pains. When one is in complete isolation, it can feel as if no one can grasp or understand the pain someone might be in. That's whats really great and special about places like this, where you can discuss problems anonymously, without concerns of being ridiculed or what not.

Anyways, it feels good to get some kind of recognition, especially when one is struggling. Life can feel extremely small and limited at times, but it helps to be reminded that there is no place or destination where one should be. Expectations have taken me back out quite a few times. So, it makes life a lot more bearable if one dismisses former ideas of him/herself or belief systems, to stop being a puppet of the past and instead, let yourself grow into something new. Because now, Ive discovered change, for better as for worst, is in fact possible.

Much Love.
 
Last edited:
Hello. First time posting to a forum. I am in my mid 30s and have been addicted to oxy (30mg) for over 5 years. I started taking percs for an ongoing kidney stone issue… I have over 20 kidney stones that pass whenever they feel like it. So, basically, I was prescribed meds when needed, but of course, those little 5mg do NOTHING now. I added the recreational doses we used to get on the weekends, and from there, started a mind blowing habit. I'm up to at least 3 (30s) a day - 90mgs/day. More recently, upwards of 5 - 6 a day, so 150mgs?! And at $30/$40 a pop. I'm incredibly ashamed, flat broke, and completely lost. I have 2 young kids, a loving husband (that has NO clue how bad my habit is) but he also takes them recreationally, but more like 1 (30) on Friday nite and another n Sat nite and a very demanding full time job that keeps me running around the clock. I also live in a small close knit community that would be horrified if they knew of my current situation. I feel that going to a clinic is out of the question. I just really don't want to do make this a public display. Basically, I am wondering if I should start on a treatment plan, getting meds from the dark web, of either Methadone or Suboxone? I know these are just as hard, if not harder, to come off than the oxys. I just have no idea where to start anymore. Going through a major withdrawal is not something I feel I can do. Like I said, between my job and kids, being laid out on the bathroom floor for a week is just not going to fly. I hope this is the right place to post, please let me know if I should do something different. Would love any advice. I am just so sad.
 
alright people, registered ages ago but never said owt.
dunno if this is the right place or what, but im 26, english, and a diaz addict/alcoholic.
3 week ago i od'd on 750ml of gin, benzos and about 5 beers after a stupidly messy break up, then woke up in intensive care after being in a coma/on a ventilator.
managed to stay sober for 9 days, then flopped, not doing that good.
 
Damn that's hard shit to go through, sometimes we relapse and use <drug of choice> but that's how we learn.
Yea it's a fucked up feeling it's almost gut retching looking back on our bad choices. But it makes you think twice next time your urging to use.
Thanks for your intro, keep your chin up. <3
 
greetings fellow bluelighters! first i'd like to say how awesome you all are, especially tds squad. I've lurked these forums fairly often the last 5 years or so before making an account, so don't be weirded out if i know your deepest darkest secrets lol. i guess i instinctively made an account after getting clean for the first time in a long long time.

anyway, I'm keyed, I'm 22, currently living in seattle, been heavily addicted to opiates for a couple years and my goals for now are as follows:

-cope with paws/stay off doc for the time being
-learn more about myself and others
-assist anyone i can on here
-be a positive influence on myself and all around me...hopefully find a real friend or two

much love
 
Hey guys,

I'm Andre just a 24 year old kid living in the southeast US and I am trying to live a clean life and start over. This is like my first real post so somebody call me out if I mess up, but I used to lurk heavily on BL to learn about drugs and get informed about them--for better or for worse. I was fascinated by drugs and devoted a non-insignificant amount of time reading about them, trying them, even vicariously getting pleasure out of the posts while clean. Ultimately the drugs turned on me and I became dependent on opiates and EtOH but have been really trying this time, for the past 9 months or so.

I learned about TDS from an old junkie buddy who had struggled with addiction and used this forum for support, particularly for suicide support and the support was fantastic so I am optimistic about the forum. I want to get involved in this and see if I can help any others, make friends, just get connected. Its hard to find likeminded individuals even within my local recovery community. I do live in a place where I am mandated to attend 12-step meetings which I, in general have an ideological beef with, but are great helps to some but I want to branch out.

What actually catalyzed my joining is that I am struggling right now and have to lie about having been clean so I don't get kicked out of my recovery house. I can't talk with anyone around me about my recent relapse because I would get kicked out but I need to be honest with somebody and there is a beauty in online anonymity. I don't wanna go back to where I came from and its just hard.

Sorry for the long post--im new here and don't quite know how long this should be--but I'd really like to help anyone that needs help and hopefully be able to come to you guys when I am in need.

Thanks guys
 
^I'm glad that you decided to join, shimmeredmedulla (great name!). If you have not already done so, be sure to check out Sober Living threads in particular as these can be really helpful for day-to-day support. Its always been a mystery to me how recovery houses have the zero tolerance policy about relapse. I can understand in a way that the point is to protect the group from the proximity of a particular substance but since relapse is such a documented normal part of recovery it has always seemed cruel to me that programs can't figure out a way to encompass it. Making people lie--when often trust is a major issue in their lives--seems particularly backwards. Congratulations on your own determination to change your life--and all the progress you have made. Its people that have been in the struggle that can help the most. As far as beefs with 12 go, you will find lots of like minds. My way of looking at it is this: take what is useful from everything and leave the rest. I liken it to me sitting in a beautiful cathedral. I don't buy into the religion--in fact I see it as a destructive force for the most part--but I can still be calmed by the beauty of the edifice and the light coming through the stained glass without buying into anything else. It's your life and you get to choose how to think and feel and what to adhere to. But a lot of people waste a lot of their energy fighting over stuff that is not even contained in the 12-step philosophy--it's the crap that some people bring to it rather than the 12 steps themselves.

Thanks for being here.<3

@keyed: those are good goals. I'm 60--yikes, I'd better get used to saying 61 because it's coming soon!--and learning about myself is still goal #1. I find that the more I really try to understand myself honestly the more I can understand other people without judgment. Welcome to TDS!<3

@MelodicLogic: (another great name!) I'm sorry to hear about your recent scary OD. What kind of support did they offer you when they released you from the hospital? I would encourage you to take any support they are offering in the form of counseling etc. Much love and hope for healing.<3

@k_kray: It sounds like you feel very trapped and I can understand how and why. Do you have access to counseling? What about a doctor that you can trust to help wean you off? As scary as it may be to tell your husband, I think it is imperative; not only for your relationship and the support you are going to need but also because he is still using them recreationally and this is going to be very hard for you. In terms of WD there is no way to avoid it completely but there are many things that you can do to mitigate how severe it is. Here is something that could be useful to you: http://opiatewithdrawaltips.com/thomas-recipe/ Good luck and don't let yourself succomb to any shame around the situation you are in--it happens to many people from every walk of life every day.<3

To everyone new to posting here: Welcome! TDS is a wonderful, dynamic and alive entity that all of us collectively create 24/7 every day. Moderators are just a few volunteers that try to make sure the forum runs smoothly without abuse or breaking rules that would put the site at risk. If you have any questions or concerns, PM any moderator. People helping other people with empathy, honesty form the core of this beautiful, if often messy, world. It's your world whether you have posted once or 1000 times, so feel free to start threads of your own if need be or just to jump into existing threads. The best part of this place is that you can find honesty without judgment. The way I see it one of the most powerful aspects of addiction is the internalization of shame that the world seems to reserve for drug use alone. Harm reduction must have at its core a resolve to expose shame as the insidious voice that holds so many people captive in its sway. By getting to know each other here--whether you are using, in recovery or slipping back and forth between the two--we can create something that is beyond 12 steps, beyond willpower, beyond any one particular philosophy or creed about addiction and recovery; we can create a group force that simply says: come here and speak your own truth. We can listen. The debates and the explorations move us all forward.<3
 
Sorry if I've written here already..
I am here because I tried to kill myself some years ago, was institutionalized (sorry if misspelled) for a few years in total, learned to hide my drug use, feelings, and most of all depression. Now I live in my own little place.

My friends have pretty much forgotten me, I can't go to any higher education or any job for more than three days, because by that time ALL motivation is sucked right out of me.
I am addicted to benzos and synthetic cannabinoids, and drug use (=escaping reality) in general. My neck has been aching so bad today I've been crying about half of the time, and nothing helps. So that's a nice little added bonus to my day (albeit it is night now).

Well, yeah. So.. hi.
 
Hi, I am a US addict in recovery...came to BL for kratom research or pill filtering or something like that, becoming more interested now that I am clean. Actually I have 20mg to go to get down to my prescribed dose for pain, but it should be no big deal. I will finish the taper this weekend and hope to meet others here for online friendship and support. I find this more interesting to me than a silly facebook feed, so let's seeif I can assimilate :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top