in love with my best friend

[Jabberwocky]

So we're arguing semantics then?

We certainly shouldn't be. We should be giving OP helpful and practical and entirely non-judgemental advice about how to proceed in this situation. If you think he's made a mistake letting himself even get into this situation that's fine to note I think. But it's also spilt milk now and the question is how to move forward. Anything else is likely to be considered off topic.

 

[iridescentblack]

The situation he is in is unfair to all three parties, though when is life consistently fair?

I agree.

And as nobody is “bad” in this situation, we ought to have sympathy and compassion for all three, that is, if you consider yourself to be “good”

I agree with sympathy but I don't believe in good and evil.

Even if he accidently cheats, he is not "bad". 3sum is more admirable though.

This is not the point I am trying to contend with. Sexual people prefer other options. Abstinent people tend to make better choices.

It's not my place to make such notions that I fall into certain categories of disparity. Whether I would never cheat, recognized or seen as a virtue isn't my problem.

In suits of parley people tend to argue that this is a moral issue rather than a spiritual issue, which is complete hypocrisy given the context of marriage.

The boundaries I've observed in this thread seem to superimpose friendship and love affairs which isn't necessarily sound judgment. To think a friend could be a potential lover... This isn't a moral dilemma this is a spiritual one.

 

[iridescentblack]

We certainly shouldn't be. We should be giving OP helpful and practical and entirely non-judgemental advice about how to proceed in this situation. If you think he's made a mistake letting himself even get into this situation that's fine to note I think. But it's also spilt milk now and the question is how to move forward. Anything else is likely to be considered off topic.

It's a double-bind. Everything is off topic here.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It's a double-bind. Everything is off topic here.

Not if you start a new thread. The spiritual issue angle on cheating is interesting and worthy of a thread.

But yes also: Sex, Love and Relationships does have some serious boundaries. You can read about them in the posting guidelines. There is a link in the banner at the top of each page.

 

[iridescentblack]

Thank you for replying (in direct response to my needs) as I was killing myself over where to find these official guidelines and had no clue to this banner course at all! So thanks for that.

 

[awrt]

i have never cheated on my wife and don't ever intend on doing so, this is why I made this thread to discuss my emotions.

I got cheated on when I was younger with a long term partner and it destroyed my trust in anyone for ages so I don't intend on doing so to my wife. I hope this explains my train of thought more @iriedescentblack. sure I should not have put myself in the situation on the weekend but it kind of hitting me all of a sudden like a hammer. I never saw my friend as anything else then a close friend then suddenly I had a surge of emotions and feelings of love towards her like I was a freaking 16 year old!

thanks @polarthedog appreciate the input and @Perforated.

been rough with my wife for a while and it's why I think I am attracted to my friend at the moment. my wife doesn't take drugs and has been arguing with me about my drug use for years which has caused a lot of issues. my friend and I have similar hobbies and interests (more than I do with my wife) and we "get" each other - we often say this to each other all the time.

I am actually hoping these feelings for my friend actually disappear. because at the moment they are driving me nuts. I love our relationship the way it is and I don't want to hurt my wife at all - she is a beautiful human being who has supported me so much.

I am hoping time will solve things. I don't want to hurt anyone and definitely not cheat on anyone but right now I am the one who is confused/hurting

As someone who has never cheated on anyone or had reason to, I can't say I follow your train of logic.

 

[awrt]

I suppose I am not going to do anything for a while. my wife and I have a holiday planned together and hoping the time together will help me forget these emotions.

if they are still there in 6 months well then I will have to reassess a lot of stuff.

I just wanted to see if anyone has been in the same situation as me and how did they go about it - and how they managed these emotions

 

[Joey]

I had a partner once who was cheating on his husband. Apparently the guy hadnt been having sex with him for years.. and so he wound up moving me into his house. Just skipping some stuff there.

Because Id been like #250 in line or whatever it was in those years, and I saw that he had Grindr on his phone. I knew what was up. I wound up fucking around myself a couple times. One night against all standards otherwise, I HAD to know what was going on. I checked his text messages. There was about 25 different people or so he had been seeing. This guy had been saying he wanted monogamy with me for awhile but I knew what was up. Even though I was cheating myself I was pretty upset. I copied and pasted all the messages into an email and sent it to him.

He denies ever seeing any of these people, but it was obvious. He eventually found out what Id done as well. Long story short, we became open relationship and seeing other people together or seperate with honesty. We moved on by opening up about this.

I have not been (faux) monogamous since. I like meeting multiple people and having different experiences. My last relationship was open as well. Its better that way for me and for the people Im around usually. Gay guys are really promiscous for whatever reason. Often anyway.

I think that if you are having thoughts like this, its within possibility that it would be best to just tell your wife about it. Be open about your sexuality and let her know. You never know, she might even be into the idea of some fun with other people herself. Everybody looks and wants some variety in sexual partners on some level. Its fine. Just be up front about it.

 

[awrt]

thanks for the input outlier.

I have been in a monogamous relationship so far that has been fine - I have actually been with my wife for 10 years before we actually got married.

it's not that I want an open relationship, I think I still want to stay with one person - it's just that person has changed.

I am so confused.

I think I just gotta give this time and see how I feel

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think I just gotta give this time and see how I feel

Probably the best advice you’ve gotten and it was your own! I’ve been meaning to say that you are dealing at least partially with the after effects of a powerful enactogenic drug that can churn up all kinds of half worked out emotional thoughts and feelings that sometimes seem more urgent or consequential closer to the peak of the experience than they do after you’ve had time to process them for a while.

I have always acted precipitously in getting into and getting out of relationships in a naive belief that ‘the heart knows what the heart wants’. And usually that has led to all kinds of emotional carnage in the longer term. Now I’m a fan of taking it easy, being honest in a sensible way (i.e. not sharing every random and potentially hurtful thought as you work out what you really think), but ultimately making a decision that gives no one cause for regret.

 

[iridescentblack]

I think that if you are having thoughts like this, its within possibility that it would be best to just tell your wife about it. Be open about your sexuality and let her know.

I find honesty in these situations to be essential to problem solving.

on the weekend I got really high on MDMA with my close friend and opened up about the rocky time I have been having with my wife. I don't know if it was a good idea. I felt at one point after we were about to kiss but turned away knowing it was a bad idea.

As a chen zen, this actually happens to me all the time. Even close friends have hinted at an apparent, abrupt, but rather short-lived need to kiss me at times. Always they resist it anyway. I'm thinking since certain drugs can cause certain influences to the magnetic field that surrounds the body, it's probably not much different than having a natural magnetism that seems to lure people in. If MDMA can cause this in the moment, maybe you're being too hard on yourself.