I will answer you in a dry, detached and clinical fashion. Please keep in mind though, that I have sympathy for your situation and you are not alone, people have and will continue to rise above situations such as yours; the crueler inverse way of saying this is that you are not
unique and your problems are not uniquely insurmountable (which is part of the essential arrogance of the suicide: the cliché, of course, is that it's a "temporary solution to a permanent problem," but this is dismissive of the suicidal individual's perception that his problem
is permanent. Yours is not; your idea that you have set your destiny into stone by not achieving a certain set of goals—more on these, very specifically, later—by a certain age is based on at best an incomplete understanding of scientific ideas about neurodevelopment.
The poster directly above me is on the right track.)
Taking the classical psychedelics in your current state of mind is not at all advisable. You should disregard any advice to the contrary above, particularly as regards the two non-classical psychedelics
ayahuasca (really not a "drug," properly speaking, but a family of drug combinations, mostly idiosyncratic to the particular provider, coupled sometimes with certain rituals which, preternatural pretence aside, may have a great deal of resonance in a Jungian-type therapeutic context) and
iboga (which while a single drug, as all plant compounds do, dosing is an uncertain business at best), as the two of them are extremely unpredictable and often done in questionable settings. Treatment with LSD alone could result in a horror trip but is also likely to result in a Himalayan height of self-perceived insight which has little applicability following.
Self-treatment with MDMA is a particularly bad suggestion in that the comedown "blue Monday" effect is very difficult for a person struggling with depression, and
even more so because MDMA creates an artificial sense of "empathy" or relatedness with others, and in someone with a preoccupation with their difficulties or failure in relatedness/relationships, there is the possibility of a feeling of epiphany and of this problem being "solved" while on MDMA and then found out to be not so solved thereafter (
particularly doing so with an intimate partner with whom you are having difficulty, or with a remotely potential intimate partner in the case), the psychological difficulties then compounding the neurochemical ones. MDMA is being investigated as therapy for a number of things, some more legitimate than others (viz. PTSD—which you mention briefly but do not elaborate on or seem to consider the issue at hand), but social anxiety and autism-spectrum disorders including the syndrome formerly known as Asperger's are among the more questionable indications in my opinion
*, despite recent headline-garnering studies from the
usual suspects.
If MDMA has any potential for such uses, it is
not as a self-treatment and moreover
not as an outpatient treatment
†. This is to say nothing of the questionable quality of MDMA procured via illicit channels.
As far as MDMA for autism goes, I fear that it gives a lot of false promise, as rather intuitively the "empathic" state of MDMA might "draw one out" of social isolation and difficulty socializing; the effect of the drug
as such is transient and the effect of the therapies as promulgaated by MAPS are to a great deal dependent upon the non-pharmacological aspects of therapy. Autism has, however, been a tough nut to therapeutically crack for decades, and there is no miracle coming down the pike, and certainly not from MDMA. MAPS and their associates are speaking generally too cute by half and let activism color their science—this is not an exception but the rule, of course, MAPS likes call themselves a "nonprofit pharmaceutical company," their research on and marketing of MDMA is to be viewed like Jannsen's on risperidone.)
The safest and most likely to be beneficial illicit/currently unapproved drug for yo u to
self-administer is most likely
ketamine*, however, you fit the profile of the individual (many of whom post here) who has a tendency towards a slippery slope of ketamine
addiction which is a serious and often-underestimated problem. Ketamine's antidepressant effects are real, but especially to a certain type of person (under which category I would include persons with autism-spectrum traits) the ketamine experience probably mostly by virtue of it's emptiness and isolativeness (almost as an inverse of MDMA's connectedness) can be extremely reinforcing, and the pattern of ketamine abuse is going to be disastrous for people who already have problems with social connections. (I'll go ahead and give one of the few statements I'll make here regarding my personal life and state that both myself and a close friend, with whom I shared some elements of a psychological profile and social history, both lost very dear relationships with women due to our abuse of ketamine.)
So there is nothing I can really recommend to you from the armamentarium of non-licit (i.e., illicit or quasi-licit) psychoactive drugs as self- and monotherapy for the issues that you describe. There is also little that mainstream pharmacotherapy has to provide except for symptomatic treatment of, e.g. anxiety, depression, etc. Psychotherapy, which you've already expressed your disdain for, does offer hope but it involves a great deal of work possibly over an extended period of time. You might benefit from more traditional psychodynamic approaches, but that is a clinical decision between you and your proviers.
One pharmacological point that I might add is
testosterone. You might benefit from getting yours checked and possibly supplemented exogenously (
possibly even supraphysiologically.) This can help greatly not only physically but with confidence, assertiveness, and a general feeling of well being.
Essentially, it sound as if to me that your problem, above and beyond any diagnoses you may have been given, but as a mutually toxic comorboditiy, is a
social and existential one that is shared by a great many young men your age. Central to it is a preoccupation with your perceived failure in relations with women. There are a lot of social reasons why this is happening, which are for another place and time, but this issue of romantic failure as a catalyst for existential emptiness among young men of your generation is one that crops up in many places, from the ironic (4chan's "
>tfw no gf") to the extremely dark (Elliot Rodger's manifesto.) But if I can offer you one thing from a post that has been overwhelmingly proscriptive and negative, it is that what you should be looking for some healing at the existential level (an idealized relationship won't be realized at all, and a good relationship won't be realized without existential healing and existential connection between the two of you), which is why, I gather, you're interested in LSD/psychedelics, it's just that you do not seem at the moment stable enough to indulge in them.
For now, if you are serious about LSD and psychedelics as a solution to existential angst (which I briefly experienced, less briefly advocated, and for a longer period of time lived in circles where such solutions were taken for granted), it's a focus on getting to a point at which you can use them as tools for such. This involves in working on self esteem (working out, etc. are all clichéd points and ones which render me a bit of a hypocrite but are all important), a diet (very important), possibly hormones, almost certainly traditional psychotherapy and quite possibly medications. Perhaps in a future where psychedelic psychotherapy is formalized, professionalized, and clinically proven to be effective you would benefit from the same but unless you find yourself enrolled in a study you will not be receiving it. Do not attempt to do it yourself and do not seek it out in nonprofessionals, even
soi-disant "underground psychotherapists," with or without credentials. Even those with credentials may have methods which are questionable and are certainly unproven. Some of them have very unfortunate and possibly exploitative agendas (I've encountered at least one credentialed one who's agendas included sexual exploitation.)
So I hope you do not find this over-deflating.
There is, in fact, hope in your position, and your fate is not sealed at your young age, as much as you may not want to hear it, or any other cliché regarding suicide. Some of the ideas you are pondering and that others are advocating, however, are dangerous.
Heroin or Suicide, goes the song by the edgily and paradoxically named Leftöver Crack. It's not a legitimate dichotomy, nor is the one realized by merely replicing "heroin" with any other drug. Heroin, in fact, might offer you a great deal of relief, but also a very expensive, and escalatingly so, and overall shitty lifestyle and no solution to the existential center of your troubles. Point being, whatever palliative and/or therapeutic option(s) you pick won't be a magical salve. Healing from all this takes a lot of work. But it's doable.
________________________
* In my opinion
as a professional with some grounding in the relevant research but not in my
professional opinion, please see the bottom of the post.
† This is one of the serious reservations I have with the MAPS model and one of a number of reasons I stopped donating to them; the other reasons in large part being related to concern about their marketing approach, bias in their research, and certain political issues. I worry about "blue Monday" suicide risk and think it taken not seriously enough when working in a clinical population. I believe that MDMA psychotherapy should be considered in a class with nascent ketamine pharmacotherapy for depresesion along with the more traditional ECT where at least initially the treatments must be done in an inpatient context.
➤ None of the foregoing is clinical or medical advice. As I have not evaluated you in person, or performed any other clinical assessment, nor a review of your records, overall life situation and the larger context of your illness, psychiatric and medical history, medication history, and many other factors that may impact your situation as described, nothing that I post here can or should be taken as professional or clinical advice and furthermore there is no professional relationship in place. Therefore, anything that I post here is strictly for informational purposes only and to express my own opinion which I make no guarantee of being correct. Before undertaking any treatments, interventions, or changes to your current treatment, it is essential that you be in contact with your physician or other provider(s), including providing absolute and full disclosure of substance abuse and/or other sensitive issues.
