I'm suicidal due to life crisis and LSD is my only hope.

[ATriumphForHuman]

I just turned 22, and I realized my life goals are fucking impossible, at least statistically. Luckily for me I have a fucking time limit attached to them, lol. A young long-term relationship is impossible for me. No one my age would ever be interested in a socially anxious, resourceless person such as myself, and by the time I fixed my problems and I'm ready, I won't be fucking young anymore.


I'm terribly sorry, I don't mean to sound hostile, but this will get venty. You guys have no idea how much pain I'm in right now. I'm losing myself!


Let me tell you how anxiety RUINED my fucking life, and why LSD may be my only hope at this juncture.


I've been anxious ever since I was 15. I pissed away my education because of it, and now I'm uneducated. Have had focus issues/ADHD like symptoms ever since, and I'm unable to attain new information or read in a straight line for longer than 10 seconds. Because of not being educated, I can't relate to anyone.


My SA is so bad I will not be able to hold a job right now, let alone two. I come from a family that struggles financially. My dad is (figuratively) dead. My mom can't help me with my situation. I have no friends. I've been isolated for the past 2+ years.


Oh yeah, I've never worked or driven a car because of my anxiety as well. So I'm broke. I was denied disability multiple times the past 2 years, after getting it for years before.


Why am I so obsessed with this "young love" bullshit? Well when I was 12 I was taken out of school due to family abuse. During this time, my parents were too busy fighting to keep a real eye on me and they let me and my powerful stupid mind unravel. I spent the next 3 years completely alone and isolated. I shut off reality and daydreamed. For some reason, the idea of having a young long term relationship (foundation: early 20s/before age 25/before prefrontal cortex develops) spoke to me, and fascinated me. I just wanted to fucking grow with someone beautiful, damn it. I wanted to express my love and care to that person, show her how much she means to me, show her my love for weather and music and photography and humor and whatever, express my cool life to her. And she'd do the same. Just grow together and watch each other evolve throughout the years. And have kids with her. And we'd try our damned hardest to stay together. That's all I fucking wanted. It wasn't that it would complete me or any of that bullshit. It was just for what it was- a true love adventure. Knowing that could be waiting in the wings helped me get through every damn day. My intense daydreaming helped me get through the abuse without PTSD and it did not affect me the way it could have affected a normal person.


You see, it's Asperger's that probably caused that abnormal reaction to family abuse. But it's a double-edged sword. It caused me to completely fixate and obsess over unrealistic goals. I mindfucked myself. I never did anything to improve my life from age 12 onwards to the ripe age of 22. (Yes, I know that's young, but fuck, I feel old) So now I have to spend an enormous amount of time improving myself in a short amount of time so I can be able to find someone. I'm a fucking wreck right now: with my high standards, WHO THE HELL out of that partner/dating pool would be interested in me right now? That's fairy tale talk lol. Plus, I'm VERY short, which further exacerbates my situation. My chances of accomplishing my goal in the next two years are equivalent to Bernie Sanders' chances at the beginning of this month of winning the Democratic nominee. Maybe worse. So I concede.


But I can't simply brush off the failure, have a new perspective and start fresh. I'm SUICIDAL over this stuff. Seriously. It's one thing to consider the idea on an intellectual level, but I cannot emotionally tune into the idea that my goals were fucking stupid and that true love like that doesn't last and that I should stop giving a fuck and start a new life. It's impossible for me. I've always perceived love as an adventure, and I cannot change my perspective - I'm completely fixated on the adventure aspect of it. Since it is 99.999999999% impossible for someone like me to experience it young, a huge part of the adventure will be missing, causing me to feel empty.


Therapy has NEVER helped me, neither have psychiatric drugs, group therapy, meditation. Trust me, I've tried it all. Every drug out there, every therapy technique. Tried exercising but *could not* get into the routine, no matter how hard I tried. I've had therapy of some sort ever since I was 4 or 5 years old. Nothing helped me. I'm not sifting through mental hospital after hospital for the rest of my life. I need to change my perspective in order to be able to be a healthy human being.


You see, I've always been the type that says FUCK SETTLING. It leaves a hole in my emotional well-being and I feel imprisoned. I've always been like that, ever since infancy. That's something I can't just change, or brush off, or deal with. At this juncture, the only way I won't settle is if I start over (I need to stress I CANNOT do this in my current mental state and it will take YEARS drug-free), and this will sound silly but hear me out, it likely will involve ego destruction. I realize that I don't know much about psychedelics due to my godawful mental state right now, but I know that I've read personal experiences and people with similar brain chemistry (probable autism, anxiety, etc.) have claimed that their "lives were saved" from this. Since I have NOTHING to lose anymore, LSD is my only hope and I might even consider starting at a high dose as well. I'm willing to go through INTENSE pain for a few hours just to save the rest of my life from, in a metaphorical sense, fucking leeches draining my emotional state.


I'm not saying LSD will definitely cure me, but again, at this stage of my life it's worth a shot.


Here are my questions:

Is LSD likely to help me? How should I go about this if so?

If LSD will totally screw me up, even at a low dose, are there any drugs that will help me deal with this emotional crisis?


Also:


I would strongly prefer non-judgmental feedback. You can call me insane, delusional, self-absorbed, entitled, a pussy. You can say I need a reality check and I need to grow the fuck up. That I need "real problems". That my perspective is wrong (which I already admitted). That I should go to Africa or a third-world country. Or whatever. Maybe you're right but look, honestly: is that really going to help someone like me? It's hard to understand how someone like me perceives the world. So I don't expect you to. You'd just be telling me something I already know. I just want an answer to both of my questions, please, thank you....


...and please, do not tell me to go see a therapist or psychiatrist. I might be wasting my time writing this because I know 25-50% of whoever responds to this will, even though I have been for pretty much all my life.

 

[Clocktower]

Bluelight is not the place for advice on how to get drugs or what drugs to take. Both are against forum rules. In any case, if you are in a poor mental state then you should not take LSD or any other psychedelic drug. That's a good way to add more trauma and make yourself feel worse. You will have to find another way. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but if I told you anything else I would be lying.

It seems you have pretty well identified the internal conflicts that are causing you to feel unwell. That's good. You will just have to keep working at it until you can let them go. You have plenty of youth ahead of you, as you already seem to know.

My first partner was someone who sometimes adopted a mindset very similar to yours. They also had an unusually challenging childhood and also set fantastic standards for themselves and others, especially romantic standards, even though they knew that those standards were not reachable by anyone. They knew they could not be happy as long as they expected their life to be a fairy tale, but they could not bring themselves to lower their expectations, even when it was clear to them that doing so would make them much happier. At one time, they resorted to self-harm. They occasionally suffered panic attacks.

Both of us were 20-21 when we met and are now 26-27. We have broken up but are still very close friends. They still suffer from their internal conflicts sometimes, but have become much better over the years. They still hang on to some things, but have let others go. Getting better with time is possible for you too. Good luck.

 

[ATriumphForHuman]

Wait a second. Your previous partner had the SAME primary life goal as me? Am I reading that correctly?

 

[Ismene]

Life teaches you how to live it if you long enough - age takes all the pressure out of those suicidal kind of feelings. Did with me anyway, along with vast quantities of mushroom. If you want a nice change to the LSD experience try splitting the dose 25 mins apart instead of taking it all at once. That turns LSD into a kind of super version of MDMA - physically gorgeous yet psychedelically fluffy too. Good luck man, don't get too down.

 

[Clocktower]

Wait a second. Your previous partner had the SAME primary life goal as me? Am I reading that correctly?

Perhaps not the same goal. They grew up poor and I think they were more focused on money than romance. Wanting to be in a sort of magically perfect relationship was definitely an aspect of their conflict, though.

 

[ATriumphForHuman]

Perhaps not the same goal. They grew up poor and I think they were more focused on money than romance. Wanting to be in a sort of magically perfect relationship was definitely an aspect of their conflict, though.

Yeah I wasn't expecting a fairy-tale romance or anything like that lol. I knew no relationship was perfect, and I knew that heading into the mindfuck. But just being generally happy with her, and having a healthy relationship with a beautiful (internally/externally) girl, reveling in creativity + raising a family with her, and starting the foundation at a young age is what I wanted.

For the record, I don't think that^ is impossible. I have two or three couples in my family that made it work. But someone like ME finding that......LOL.

It was dumb of me. Fuck emotions hahaha. I'll just be in a shoegaze band. Perhaps I'll join the underground 27 club....lol I don't fuckin' know

 

[BlueMerlin]

Removed due to the dysfunctional nature of my comment.

Solipsis said it all.

 

[Solipsis]

I'm also the odd one out (on the spectrum plus ADD as bonus), and have had many terrible disappointments in life, I basically have to start over and am almost a decade older than you. At 22 you really can't see so far ahead and call your life over. I understand you're suffering and may have a lot of panic and despair, but you can focus on making your life manageable and build a healthy foundation, which always has to come first if you want to achieve anything else built on top of that foundation.

Obsessing about impossible goals is a problem for sure, but an important part of it is not necessarily the "who would want me?" part, but that it's no good having a relationship before you are mentally and emotionally stable and peaceful enough and that is true for anybody. The whole 'you can't love someone else before you love yourself' adage. Many people also have a form of relationship addiction, they feel like they need it and don't want to be alone and it can involve many other reasons that are actually pretty bad to motivate a loving relationship. A real relationship is about appreciating another but letting them be free... desire? sure, but no true need.

Letting go and moving on will take time, but you can do it. Desperately wanting love is not a strategy anyway, it will just sort of happen unexpectedly when you learn to level out. It sucks if you still have a way to go, but things can change and it would not be too late to have a partner who is still relatively young. That will come later, it's just hard to look ahead especially for people like us.
Materialism or having a relationship does not define a person. Please don't care too much about how people think things should be, that only causes you to focus on anything that does not match your ideals. I think it's important to realize that your 'dreams' (as in goals) close the door on reality more than your limitations do.

As for drugs, sometimes special things happen on them, but you can't rely on it. With psychedelics like LSD, it is very tricky to go into it with a crisis, unless maybe you have a professional guide of some sort to help you work through very difficult things. I'd put the idea on hold if I were you, for a less panicky time when you can carefully give it a chance with a modicum of hope to start with. Have you ever tried MDMA? It is used for PTSD (I know you said you avoided it, though at the same time admitting that you had an atypical reaction instead, which is still a major issue whatever you call it) and can have potential to emotionally let go, helping more easily with fears. It can also be confusing and mentally destabilizing, but it is probably less of a can of worms to open.

But none of those are really a solution. Best they can do is give you a sort of moment of clarity, which can certainly be a turning point.. but you still have to do most of the work or all of it, head in another direction and turn despair into a drive or will to change things. Just ignore those other goals for a moment and start writing down new ones that are SMART, in order to first make your life less hard, to regain hope and momentum.

Since it is pretty dangerous to expect immediate or concrete answers from LSD, I certainly wouldn't do it right now, but if you go and fight this and come back from a deep point to an upswing, LSD can be therapeutic and help do things like deep self-reflection that gives you fair and constructive criticism, which can be both difficult and scary but also rewarding and fuelling / clarifying your new plan.

I'd say it is essential though, that you not give up at 22 because I think that feeling as if you explored all possibilities does not make it true.

Am also curious what psychiatric drugs you have tried. Even if there are none as a cure, some of them can make life more manageable for a period until you can bear it better.

 

[Ziiirp]

I don't think classic psychedelics are the right choice for your use case, at least not without an experienced trip partner/guide. If you trip with a "guide" it could indeed help you understand yourself better.

I won't recommend you any specific substance for your concern, but if you read through the forum, you'll find information, that can help you to shape specific questions, which can be answered by numerous of experienced heads here.

 

[ATriumphForHuman]

Obsessing about impossible goals is a problem for sure, but an important part of it is not necessarily the "who would want me?" part, but that it's no good having a relationship before you are mentally and emotionally stable and peaceful enough and that is true for anybody. The whole 'you can't love someone else before you love yourself' adage. Many people also have a form of relationship addiction, they feel like they need it and don't want to be alone and it can involve many other reasons that are actually pretty bad to motivate a loving relationship. A real relationship is about appreciating another but letting them be free... desire? sure, but no true need.

Letting go and moving on will take time, but you can do it. Desperately wanting love is not a strategy anyway, it will just sort of happen unexpectedly when you learn to level out. It sucks if you still have a way to go, but things can change and it would not be too late to have a partner who is still relatively young. That will come later, it's just hard to look ahead especially for people like us.
Materialism or having a relationship does not define a person. Please don't care too much about how people think things should be, that only causes you to focus on anything that does not match your ideals. I think it's important to realize that your 'dreams' (as in goals) close the door on reality more than your limitations do.

You definitely misunderstood me here, especially in the bolded. I don't give two fucks about society. There was never any need. How the hell would it have been a relationship if I didn't let go her own way, what you wrote basically? That's not what I wanted. I already wrote that a relationship wouldn't complete me or my life, it was just my primary goal in life. Because of that, my fucked up brain combined with extreme isolation in my early teens caused me to obsess over the goal though. My life will have a void that will never be filled if I don't accomplish it (which is the projected scenario). Doesn't matter, it's not happening. I'm ready for the void. I'm going to stretch it apart, wide open -- and destroy it.

I'd say it is essential though, that you not give up at 22 because I think that feeling as if you explored all possibilities does not make it true.

Biologically, "youth" (possibly what is really called "adolescence", which is what many British researchers are now proposing, and I lean with) ends around age 25, when the prefrontal cortex is fully developed. I only have three years left. Statistically, I failed. I will not be able to go from nobody to somebody in a short amount of time (around a year) and start the foundation. This is too complex to explain because it lies in my perception. But just focus on the statistics - I have an extremely uphill slope that I cannot climb. Never driven, never worked. Poor and resourceless basically. SEVERE anxiety in both areas. I will not be able to provide. I'm uneducated, and that affects my social skills. Also have social anxiety. Add a potential autism into the mix. Unattractive to the majority of the opposite sex (my five-foot-two borderline fucking midget height alone is enough to be what is called a "dealbreaker", add acne and yellow teeth into the mix with average facial features and you have 90% of the female population that I'm attracted to going "Bye Felicia!" - and that number increases from 90 percent to probably 99.9 percent when you factor in the other issues). Any positives are severely outweighed by the negatives. There is someone out there for me but that's literally harder than a game of needle in a haystack. Statistically, I'll never find her, especially in the next two years. I'm uncomfortable with four-years-younger or more age gaps. So yeah.

Keep in mind this is not coming from self-hate, but rather reality instead. My situation is that bad. If I was a girl my chances would be much better, still iffy though.

I concede. (Bernie, will you realize your similar struggle and do the same?) Tongue in cheek comments aside -- I failed. I can't emotionally handle it. Wipe out ego, or suicide.

Am also curious what psychiatric drugs you have tried.

None. (I MISREAD YOUR COMMENT - took that as "psychedelic". Psychiatric drugs - too many to list. Every popular one on the market for sure + took it as prescribed.)

Side-note: If this isn't enough proof that my perspective is FUCKED and needs altering, I don't know what is.

 

[MSK]

You need to be confortable with yourself, and love you before beeing able to find love in other people. I know is hard, I was desperate like you on the past and using dissos and psychedelic just made me fall deeper in the hole. You are still very young, you will see life can do amazing 360 grades turns x) I also have got a lot of anxiety and ADHD, and thought I would dead alone, craving for relationships. Now, at 27 years old, I'm still anxious and passed trough 4 failed relationships and don't want to start another, but I live happy

 

[ATriumphForHuman]

You need to be confortable with yourself, and love you before beeing able to find love in other people.

I do love myself.

Also, I'm not sure if I agree with that sentiment. Oh, just because I have anxiety and get dysthymic over that matter means I'M NOT CAPABLE of loving someone, and expressing that to them in a healthy way, and that I'll always complain about my issues and be a Debbie Downer? Lol seriously, I love stereotypes. Seriously I don't get it. Explain this shit to me in a PM.

 

[Solipsis]

No, that's not really it although my best friend has a dysthemic disorder and believes that or is very afraid of it (being such a downer that it puts an expiration date on the relationship).. it's rather that it's difficult to get a relationship if you have extremely little confidence in basically everything. If instead you are comfortable and accept that it's okay the way things are, at least to some extent even if you wish for more... that just opens up breathing room to develop a relationship. Being desperate to the point of panic doesn't work for the simple reason that you can't force it by wanting it really bad.

OK so you don't give a fuck about society, nevertheless the ideals are clearly suffocating even if they are not put there by society. People on the spectrum often have problems getting 'stuck' in ideas or emotions - you really need to get your mind of the problem and just find something else that is rewarding, like healthier activities like reading and taking a walk in nature, starting a creative hobby. I'm not kidding. Not sure if you are still as much of a shut-in as you said you were during the domestic problems, but being inactive heavily reinforces ruminating, running in circles in your mind obsessing over this stuff.

Maybe you could use a poke, some help to change this hung up perspective of yours (that you have failed is NOT a statistical fact. 22 is not nearing the end of your options, you are taking the development to 25 all wrong. You are deciding that you have failed, thus making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Snap out of it), but it's hard to say what or who would help. First you gotta want to. What you're doing now is not wanting it, the change and betterment, you are in denial and trying to skew everything in such a way that it agrees with your hyperfocus on LSD being the only hope.
You're basically setting yourself up for more problems, because while LSD can catalyze things, it cannot change or fix things itself. Again: you still gotta go through that door, and right now you are doing your best hoping that you won't have to go through any doors.

That is why starting to change your mind, by getting your mind off stuff and working on relaxing as a basis (which you partially can by finding something to do, and focussing on a new path of recovery) is key. If you do that and come a way along that new path, you could consider LSD to reinforce it.

I agree with MSK and I said it already: you have problems looking ahead and recognizing that things can change in ways you cannot really 'feel' and imagine right now, and it requires some trust to start accepting the bad shit and the past, and moving away from dwelling on it. Accept that in order to work on your "life goal" you have to take a detour and first set up a basis that can create possibilities. Trying to rush there the quickest you can and deciding you have completely failed in that strategy is not realistic and will cause endless frustration.

You have tried it all, but you have tried no medications? Huh.. well for Aspie's medication is not really normal, but I personally requested to be put on Lyrica for my anxiety although it was probably not as debilitating. Antidepressants (I personally steer clear of SSRI's, but have taken mirtazapine for about a year) can take the rough edges of things and even out your feelings for a while, enabling you to make changes that are very difficult to do when panicked and despairing. Benzo's are tricky because while they are very effective for anxiety, they are irresponsible to use for longer periods. Seroquel just felt dirty and fuzzy to me, it's one of the few things indicated for anxiety in Asperger's and PDD-NOS, but I couldn't really recommend neuroleptics as the best thing.

But if you are really suicidal you may really want to consider asking for something like that (a benzo for a short while to combat panic and perhaps something like an antidepressant to shave off the roughness), for a short while to help you calm down and see things more clearly.

Being suicidal is actually a healthy reaction to huge amounts of stress, and many people have it at one point or another. But you have no idea how resilient we are.

There is no need to get agressive towards people who are trying to help, by the way. ^

 

[d0wN]

You are definitely not prepared to handle the adverse effects of LSD if your trip goes sideways, and being in a bad place mentally is not the way to take a trip. I had a really bad one at 19, wound up laying in the middle of a 4 lane major street hiding from the devil. It was the worst experience of my life, and to this day, over 40 years later, I can't even smoke a doob with my son because of the resulting paranoia.

As for the rest of it, you know, I've been around, done some things, seen some shit, and learned some lessons that, all things being equal, I would have just just as soon let fucking lay knowing what I know now. But judging (see what I did there?) from some of your responses, it is my right learned opinion that your interests lay more in sharpening your verbal combat and self defense skills than actually finding help, and seeing as I already have a wife and 3 boys older than you who already think I'm full of shit, I'm gonna just cut my losses wish you the best and take my leave. Hope you find your path, kid.

 

[MSK]

I do love myself.

Also, I'm not sure if I agree with that sentiment. Oh, just because I have anxiety and get dysthymic over that matter means I'M NOT CAPABLE of loving someone, and expressing that to them in a healthy way, and that I'll always complain about my issues and be a Debbie Downer? Lol seriously, I love stereotypes. Seriously I don't get it. Explain this shit to me in a PM.

Sir, sorry, but I can't believe you after reading your whole post, a post entitled "I'm suicidal due to life crisis". Of course you can love, that's not what I meant. Only there are big chances that you'll find a girl that will be dominant, egocentric and possesive, and will hurt you (They are after malleable guys like us!)

I wish you luck, but you'll need to find the path, and without LSD or a girl helping into it. Until you start to live confortable with yourself, the road will be hard!

 

[cyberius]

Could you clear your PM's? I'd like to talk to you in private, I feel like I might be able to give you a little help with this.

 

[ATriumphForHuman]

Could you clear your PM's? I'd like to talk to you in private, I feel like I might be able to give you a little help with this.

I'm not sure how to do that. Just talk to me on here.

Or you can ask for my email. But I can't PM anyone because I'm a new member and I don't know how the whole thing works. I'm not sure if responding is helping me anymore, I don't think it is.

Addendum: Try sending me a PM now.

 

[ATriumphForHuman]

and without LSD or a girl helping into it. Until you start to live confortable with yourself, the road will be hard!

Yeah, I don't have the patience for that god damned road. I knew a girl/relationship wouldn't fix my problems, and I'm fine with that. But my life goal is burnt from the bottom up. If LSD can't help me through this, sorry, I'm killing myself.

 

[ATriumphForHuman]

There is no need to get agressive towards people who are trying to help, by the way. ^

Aggression was not my intent and I'm sorry I came across that way. I'm in an enormous amount of pain right now. Perhaps that slipped through the cracks.

I'm not sure how else to respond to everything you're writing. I feel like you just don't get it, the severity of the situation, how this void will suck me in like a black hole for the rest of my life and how just focusing on something else will not work. Yeah, I'll completely isolate myself from society, take the shut-in to an extreme, completely distract myself from my problems and forget women and love exist. And/or move to Antarctica. And/or the middle of fucking nowhere and chase storms. Hermit life basically. Maybe then it will work. But do I have the patience? Probably not.

And I need some proof/perspective on this:

you are taking the development to 25 all wrong.

Youth does not come to a close biologically/psychologically at/around 25?

That is all. This is likely my last post on this thread. No point for me to be a keyboard warrior...

 

[MSK]

Men, lot of people were where you are now, myself included. I runned away from home at 17, lived the loco life with a girl for 2 years... The girl dumped me, and then I fell in full depression for 4 years spinning on a ketamine infinite binge, drug dealing and thinking life is meaningless and doesn't worth to live it, and going further and further into the spiral, thinking about killing myself so many times... With a personality close to yours, I also have got ADHD.

At 23 years old, I stopped the ketamine train and confronted to myself. What I wanted to do with my life? Why I'm so scared, angry, and anxious? I needed to put my shit together, and just realize life is a gift, you only have got one, and you can do with it whatever you fucking want, and you better don't waste it! You've got plenty of years on advance for yourself for doing so amazing things, don't even think about the death!!!

Think about what you really love to do, what would you do if you were free, try to acomplish reasonable goals, and never stress yourself on that. I'm single now because that was my choice, but the times I wanted a relationship I had it, you just need to be confident with yourself, trust and love you. It took me 4-5 years to be where am I now, but I'm working as a web developer, what was the goal of my life. LSD didn't gave me that, it was choosing the path I wanted to live.

You have got a lot of years in advance, don't even fucking think your goals were destroyed. You have a life to acomplish whatever goal you impose to yourself. And don't stress yourself if you don't know what to do with your life just right now, the answer will came!

As for your two questions:

Is LSD likely to help me? How should I go about this if so?: No, would be the worse decision to take. Take it when you are not into an emotional crisis, it will help you to find the path. But as you're feeling right now, LSD will just put you worse!

If LSD will totally screw me up, even at a low dose, are there any drugs that will help me deal with this emotional crisis?: Maybe benzodiacepines, or antidepressants. But you don't want to go into that way. Try to solve your problems by yourself first, drugs are never the answer, the answer needs to be given by you!

Luck and love, friend