I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

[Care]

I said I had been so guarded with her because I was ashamed of something I had done in my recent past. Mentioned my back injury, my acceleration of percocet and graduation to oxycontin. She responded by telling me that I don't look like a drug addict. She comes from a very straight edge family and didn't quite understand the many layers to addiction. We talked a long time and she seems to grasp most of it. What worried me is she said "So you're over this now?"

Well done, very brave and about as well as you could have hoped telling her about your past to go.

My guess is that she said "you dont look like an addict" because people who have no experiance with addiction have a preconcieved notion of what an addict is in their mind.

Now that you're being honest with her do your best to prove to her and yourself that you have changed. Believe in yourself, the rest will follow.

 

[skiptown7]

Alcohol, chemically, is a depressant and is going to make you more depressed. FYI. The will to live-to survive-doesn't make you a coward. It makes you fucking strong, brother. Hang in. Keep posting.

 

[Downwardplane]

I haven't been writing much on here but always appreciate the advice, thanks to everybody I really appreciate it. It's certainly more logical than many of the decisions I make.

Throw in a dash of anger with a pinch of sadness and you have the recipe for hopelessness. When the biggest hurdle in life is you it makes winning increasingly difficult. I'm in a holding pattern at the moment. Due to life's responsibilities (food,shelter,electricity) I'm stuck in a job I have growing disdain for. Training people to get in better shape has lost it's zest. It's amazing to see some of my co-workers smiling ALL THE TIME. They must be on something really good because frankly whose so fucking jovial. Faking it isn't something I've ever been good at. Just doing my job and getting the hell out of there. I confided in Janelle and it looks to be a mistake, she's treating me much differently than she did. Almost like I'm an unbreakable doll. The vibe is definitely way off now. My first instinct in a situation like this is to create distance and break it off. No idea how i'm going to approach it. One thing is for sure I won't be confiding in anyone for a long time. The running joke I say to myself is a secret can be kept if only three people are aware, those being me,myself and I.

I've retreated into my shell and drinking quite heavily the last four days. You guys are right, it's a depressent and makes me feel more depressed the next day but it at least gives me a few hours of being numb. I'm such a solitary person that the only time I feel relaxed and at ease is when it's just me. I'm envious of people that have someone they can count on when things get rough. I have no one, just my imagination. I basically live like a prisoner. I work, lift weights, eat and read. Rinse and repeat. The more each day passes the more I wished I had left this city and started with a blank slate elsewhere. Fuck it, I hope you guys are winning your battles because I have a losing hand.

 

[Care]

I confided in Janelle and it looks to be a mistake, she's treating me much differently than she did. Almost like I'm an unbreakable doll. The vibe is definitely way off now.

I've been in almost the same situation.

When my ex found out I used drugs her attitude toward me totally changed, she was the same innocent straight-edge type that Janelle sounds like.

What happened in my case is she went to one of her friends to talk about me. She got the advice that most non-drug users would give, "Drugs and the people who use them are bad, stay away from them".

If I had to take a guess I would say that Janelle hasn't lost her feelings for you, but has been warned away by a person she is close to, or her own aprehension about drugs.

The only way you can fix this is by making it clear to her that drugs are no longer a part of who you are, even if you dont yet believe it yourself. Withdrawing into a secluded lifestyle will just make matters worse.

 

[Downwardplane]

Care, you read things well man. She confided in her friend about me and her friend warned her to stay away from me because druggies will always be druggies. The dynamic of our friendship has taken a one eighty, she pities me now and I resent it. I extended myself to her and now she treats me like a child. I get in so deep sometimes with my feelings, invest in people and it brings me to my knees. I always keep the front up well in front of others but i'm struggling, I'm losing it. My mind isn't sound and my decision making has been beyond bad. I'm disappointed when I wake up in the morning. Still me and my four walls, my constant companions.

 

[steinanwine]

I don't know that I have any better advice to offer than all the things said already but I wanted you to know that your posts here were really moving to me, made me cry, made me really care for you. Keep going to your meetings and talking to your sponsor, whatever you do, dont stop that. I think you have an incredible will power to stop using and to control your drinking (even if you do slip up sometimes). While nights might be the worst if you cannot fall asleep I would recommend not taking any medication to fall asleep, it just seems like the last thing you would need, another drug that alters you. The only thing I can think of is extreme workouts or weightlifting in the day that might leave you exhausted in the evenings.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with rather severe depression, I use to be really depressed and over time and with the right medication I just sort of grew out of it, one day I just wasn't sad anymore. I really wish I could take the pain off your shoulders so you could feel really happy again. I hope going to meetings and talking to your sponsors will offer solace to you. I know you sort of lost your family's trust but I wonder if they would support you going to a psychiatrist so you can talk through things with someone and maybe receive medical treatment. I know said you don't need medicine but I don't see anti-depressants as something that anyone would have a desire to abuse. As far as I know people don't get high off zoloft or wellbutrin, etc, but I could be wrong. Basically I just think it is important for you to somehow get help with your depression. If you have the strength and the will power to stop abusing drugs then reaching some sort of happiness would really set you back on track.

I don't know if I have said anything useful or just repeated the same old stuff you've heard before. I really just wanted you to know that I am really pulling for you, I really want you to succeed, I hope every new post is more and more positive than the last because I want you to be happy and I want you to be healthy. I really want you to know that you are cared for, even by people you've never even met. Whatever happens, don't lose heart, don't lose faith, and always come back to bluelight because there will always be someone hear to listen and to help.

 

[starEkstasis]

hiya how ya doin?

bin watchin you for a while. ur doin well 2 cum off opiates. u were brilliant 2 open up 2 janelle coz it's skeletons in the cupboard secrets that kill us. if she's for u she'll stay somehow. if not u can't control uncontrollables so be serene + stop worryin bout them. that's the 'serenity prayer'. focus on wot u can change. truth is Important. Semper Fidelis be true 2 ur own personal code now. + let janelle + othas worry bout how they r treatin u coz wot's their code of honour? at least u can feel integrity

 

[EnYAY]

whats up jay.

ive been clean for like a month almost, with the help of suboxone. im slowly going to tape of that as well.

my semester at cal state LA starts on sept 18 and i have a full work load. 20 units!

i hope everything is good with you man. send me a PM or something.

if you ever want a change of environment, and you decide to take a vacation to Los Angeles. you have a friend here man.

we can go clubbin have a few beers. or just hang out.

take care. be strong man. you've come a long way.

 

[Care]

The dynamic of our friendship has taken a one eighty, she pities me now and I resent it. I extended myself to her and now she treats me like a child. I get in so deep sometimes with my feelings, invest in people and it brings me to my knees.

Try your best not to resent her, her ignorance to the nature of drugs should be expected. It can be difficult when you open yourself up to someone and they dont understand but the fact that she still interacts with you at all shows that she cares.

Make it clear that drugs are not a part of your life anymore, and do your best to demonstrate that. Try to act as normal as possible around her and you just might convince yourself that the world isnt such a bad place after all. Smile Jay!

 

[drug_wench]

so janelle hasnt bn as understanding as u wud hav liked her to b
like care said, at least she is still showing interest in u
so maybe she does pity u - so wat? let her
the main thing is that u look after urself and do wats best for u
some ppl dont take well to drug use even if its in a persons history, sadly
wen i first got clean, i was desperate for friends and i found a 'friend', steph, to ride with across the farm i graze my horse at (i knew none of the nice other grazers back then) - she was someone i really got on with cos like me she rode for an adrenaline rush, i admired her skill and she seemed compassionate, taking on rescue horses that had bn abused
oneday we were riding across the farm and she asked me wat i did for a job and i had to admit i had no job
which led to her asking why - so i explained that i was recovering from a drug addiction
she was nice to my face from then on but whenever i called her to set up rides together and shit she wasnt interested any longer
u win some, u lose some
yea it fucking hurt, but obviously she wasnt worth being friends with anyway
there is always a period of depression following giving up drugs - drinking will make it much worse, not to mention u cud easily become dependant on alcohol if u hav an addictive personality and ur DOC was a depressant
just ride it thru is wat i encourage u to do
for me it has slowly gotten better - slowly but surely......i hav more good days than bad days these days
it will b the same for u if u stay clean, esp if u keep in touch with ur sponsor and ur higher power (theyre there to guide u!) and continue to go to meetings

 

[EnYAY]

jay, im not gonna sugar coat it. if that chick dosnt like you for who you are. fuck her then. if she has issues with your past. then you dont need her in your future.

about the depression.......

im almost 1 month clean and the depression is almost taking over more and more daily.....


i do not have cravings to use, and i can credit that to the suboxone. although i have lowered my dosage to almost minimal.

however the feelings of sadness and emptiness are some days overwhelming.

the perfect word is empty.

i feel SO FUCKING empty.

i cannot get rid of it. it is not leaving me. it comes in waves out of no where and it seems to drown my entire head. the more i try to think of the positive in my life, the more the negative wins the battle.

keep ya head up jay.

leme give you one piece of advice. there might be a million people in this world who CARE about you.

but theres really no know who actually gives a fuck about you. does that make sense?

you gotta better yourself, for yourself. not for anyone else.

the road to "better" seems like a real fuckin drag. and sometimes the idea of living life as an addict actually seems good. but i know as im sure you do. that shit dont fly.

fuck it.

like you said, keep on truckin

 

[eitak012]

I have read every post in this thread.
I haven't ever had a real addiction to opiates, I dabbled in heroin for a minute so I don't have any real advice for you but my ex boyfriend was a heroin addict for 3 years. He's on methadone matinence now. One thing I can say...he started drinking..heavily..as soon as he got off the heroin. The booze is what really killed our relationship. People get mean and bitter when they drink, find something, ANYTHING that makes you happy that isn't drugs or alcohol and go with it. Write your heart out, get a pet, or maybe just a plant.
Maybe taking care of something will make you feel like you have a purpose

 

[Downwardplane]

Steinanwine: Thanks for the very candid message you sent my way. I've never had intense therapy with a psychiatrist. There is no doubt I need a professional to delve inside my cranium to discover why I do the things I do. At this time my finances are quite tight and would have a difficult time affording multiple sessions.

StarEkstasis: I agree with what you said. I just wish I could stop worrying about things that are simply beyond my control.


EnYaY: Thanks for the kind offer, I might just take you up on it sometime. Maybe some of the laid back L.A. lifestyle is just what I need. Things do move awfully quickly here on the East Coast. It's upsetting to hear that you're dealing with such awful depression also. To comment on your statement about a million people caring for you but nobody giving a fuck. It stems a lot of the time from people feeling empathy but not wanting to dig below the surface to add your particular issue onto the weight they already carry themselves. For this reason I stopped confiding in people in my daily life long ago.

Care: I do need to do a 180 on my view of life, but it's been so long since i've been happy I can't remember what it's like.


I took a few days away from the computer to try and put the advice i've received here into Action. Like everyone who looks in the mirror I see a lot that needs to be fixed and fine tuned. Internally I'm a very angry and depressed person. Both emotions stemming from not having acheived much for a person in my age bracket. It's a vicious cycle of feeling down and self-medicating to compensate. I've stopped going to meetings for the time being as I'm not living up to my end of the deal. I'm drinking and smoking weed two to three times a week by myself to unwind. This isn't behavior that I'm proud of but the stress of daily life is getting to me and I need a momentary break from all of the trigger points. The only thing I'm sticking to on my goal list are the five day a week weightlifting sessions. They're a true gift and friend pushing that hoplessness temporarily down to my toenails where it belongs.

Janelle and I are hanging out sparingly. Almost feels like a dentist appointment that I've made that's too late to back out of. We are from two different worlds. She's a privileged woman from a very wealthy family. I can tell she's been very much insulated from life and it's pressures. In contrast I come from a working class family. Even though I look like a fucked up Ken Doll my idea of a good time isn't hanging out at the country club. I don't know where it's headed and I'm not sure I care.

I was thinking last night about artistic things such as movies,books,music. Below are some of my favorites that stoke the fires to feel. Would be great to find out what type of things you guys are into also. Well here are some of my current favs.

Music

Nine Inch Nails: Every Day Is Exactly The Same, Ruiner, Hurt, Head Like A Hole, Hand that Feeds, The Day The World Went Away, Something I Can Never Have.

Marilyn Manson: The Nobodies, The Beautiful People.

Mazzy Starr: Fade Into You, Into Dust.

City and Color: The Sleeping Sickness, I'm Comin Home

Clint Mansell: Dead Reckoning, Shell Shock, Requiem for a dream.

Stone Sour: Bother

Staind: It's been awhile

Henry Rollins: Disconnect

Devlins: Waiting

Craig Armstrong: Lets Go Out Tonight.

Movies

Requiem for a dream, American Beauty, He was a Quiet Man.

Jay

 

[Care]

Cant say I share your taste in music, I like stone sour and staind but thats about it. American Beauty is one of my favorite films of all time though, Kevin Spacey is freaking great. Here are some of my other favorite movies. And if for some reason you dont want to go and pay 5$ apice to watch them and you have a computer handy go to google, search for "watch-movies" and see where that takes you.

Monsters Ball
Full Metal Jacket
No Country for Old Men
Unforgiven
Training Day
Kill Bill Vol I and II
Pulp Fiction
Fargo
The Godfather movies
The Shawshank Redemption
Garden State
Goodfellas
Fight Club
AMERICAN HISTORY X
The Silence of the Lambs
Memento
The Pianist
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
Sin City
Donnie Darko
Boys Dont Cry
The Deer Hunter
Snatch
Casino
The Boondock Saints
Schindlers List
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Hitchhikres guide to the Galaxy

 

[alicat72]

Cant say I share your taste in music, I like stone sour and staind but thats about it. American Beauty is one of my favorite films of all time though, Kevin Spacey is freaking great. Here are some of my other favorite movies. And if for some reason you dont want to go and pay 5$ apice to watch them and you have a computer handy go to google, search for "watch-movies" and see where that takes you.

Monsters Ball
Full Metal Jacket
No Country for Old Men
Unforgiven
Training Day
Kill Bill Vol I and II
Pulp Fiction
Fargo
The Godfather movies
The Shawshank Redemption
Garden State
Goodfellas
Fight Club
AMERICAN HISTORY X
The Silence of the Lambs
Memento
The Pianist
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
Sin City
Donnie Darko
Boys Dont Cry
The Deer Hunter
Snatch
Casino
The Boondock Saints
Schindlers List
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Hitchhikres guide to the Galaxy

my best friend just today told me of this site! it's like, oh thanks dude

at least i know now....

 

[Downwardplane]

Care,

Thanks for the address to watch the movies. Very good site. Great list of movies. My list was entirely too brief. No Country For Old Men, Training Day, Pulp Fiction, Fargo, Shawshank Redemption, Fight Club, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Good Fellas are all classics. I own many of the movies you listed. My music list is certainly an acquired taste and isn't for everyone. I tend to follow music that stirs emotion in me from one pendulum to the other.

I haven't been impressed with my life choices the past couple weeks. I badly need to talk to a Psychiatrist. It's clear that when my depression is at it's worst I do idiotic things. Yes the long term opiate abuse has probably made a mess of the chemicals in my brain but it was me that bought the half ounce of weed and me who bought the twenty sixer of Jack Daniels. When things seem hopeless the self medication and numbing is always soon to follow. It is positive that I see the behavior pattern, it's negative that i've been too weak to full change it. Weed is pretty minor and while I think it should be legal it's not something I can do and trust myself not to overindulge. Like the old days with oxy when I abuse alcohol and weed it's by myself. Because of the time I've dedicated to getting fucked up the past three weeks my social life has suffered. I called Janelle and asked her to a movie. Man I felt like I was in High School all over again. Probably just my insecurity as usual tapping me on the shoulder. She said yes so she's not entirely sick of me yet. I plan to use this outing to mend some fences. I haven't been a good friend because generally when I feel morose I retreat to my shell. I've also let my sponsor down as I have promised to go to meetings but haven't been to one in a couple weeks. At the core I'm a good human being but I just can't fully pull things together. It's nice to know that many of the posters on this board have their life together much better than I. It atleast helps me see it's possible, even if it is way off in the distance.

 

[drug_wench]

jay, it doesnt matter (well it does but not in that way) if ur drinking and smoking weed, get urself to a fucking meeting!
just cos ur high doesnt mean theyre going to turn u away
does ur sponsor know ur using?
warning: u r treading on thin ice, mate
like i said, alcohol is a depressant, it will add to ur depression - same with marijuana
as long as u r getting drunk and stoned ur depression will most likely not get any better
and u must remember how u come away feeling after a meeting - much less depressed
i dont know about u, but if ur an addict like me then avoiding meetings and using drugs and alcohol will ultimately lead u back to where u were
yes, this post is meant to b a wake-up call!

 

[MidnightBaby]

To state the obvious Jay, I think you are lost in your depression. I think that how you percieve yourself, your interactions with others, and how you think you're being percieved by them is entirely false. I think that if you weren't depressed, and had the very same interactions, you wouldn't come away thinking so awfully of yourself. At least take some comfort in knowing alot of what you think isn't true!

It's good you can see that you retreat when you get morose. I'd bet that if you didn't retreat, lots of people would treat you very differently. So what does that tell you? It tells you that a big whack of your interaction/social problems are not beause of your past, but because of they way you act now. And you can control that, and change it.

If Janelle likes you, and enjoys you, she will most likely see past your (to her)unknown past. I think you are making it more of an obstacle than it needs to be. If not with Janelle, then there are definitely hordes of people who will see beyond it.

 

[drug_wench]

^wise words....

 

[Downwardplane]

I've needed to express some thoughts for awhile. I hope everyone can bare with me for a minute. Thanks.

The minute I first saw you I was intimidated. You were so beautiful and your smile made me unable to talk to you how I wanted. You had me, you owned my soul. Our own little world, everything else was just white noise. I would cook for you and afterwards we would lounge on the couch discussing our day. Those dumb movies we would rent, simply to imitate how horrid the acting was. Laying next to you as the sun would come up and the first thing seeing upon waking was your face. It's been a tough road without you, tougher than you will ever see and tougher than I would ever admit. The last meeting we had changed me. It was so sterile and cold, the finality of it. I'm hardened now, my heart is closed. I've been trying to hold it together since you vanished forever. People see right through it and keep their distance. Not a day goes by when I don't constantly think of ending my life and my sadness. Activities I once took great joy in no longer give me satisfaction. I'm holding on instead of living.

I'm clean from alcohol and weed for seven days now. My sponsor has been very patient and welcomed me back to the meetings with open arms. I have scheduled an appointment with my DR to see what can be done about the depression I can't shake no matter how much I fight. I know they're others out there that feel so empty too. May you all feel full again as that is all I ask of myself.