I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

[frogman84]

Hi Jay!

I have recently tried 5-htp, after having known about it for a long time but just never finding it in stores where i live.

Anyway... i got some this week and i am simply amazed by it. I came off of some morphine (about a two month stint of moderate use) for a few days - and where previously when i did this i would feel like the world is ending the 5-htp had me feeling actually quite happy.

I have been waking up covered in sweat for the last few nights (even after some strong sleeping tablets), so my body certainly is missing the opiates, but during the day i have a positive outlook and i am just certain that it is the 5-htp working.

Please, give it a try. Should be able to find it in health food or vitamin shops.

And while the sentiment of having to pay for all those highs, with the equivalent amount of lows does sound like an irrefutable law of the world, i don't see why with some science on our side, we can't just get better at using drugs, and avoid some of the negatives. A space ship that goes up, must come down, but if you do things properly, the result isn't always a crash down to earth.

Who is to say that drug use is bad and we have to pay the price for it? What if we actually end up as more capable people because of our drug use. Anyway, that's a rant for another thread.

I would love to hear how you go on the 5-htp if you can get it (or if you haven't already tried it).

There are also some supplements that are supposed to be the pre-cursers to dopamine and other endorphins. Maybe i can have a look into them and get back to you.

Hope you keep plugging away anyway dude!

 

[serotonin-system]

'...A few months later I saw Sharlene and she was laughing and walking with one of my other friends who drifted away. They're engaged now...'

My God, that must have been awful. You're a stronger man than me. I'm really at the begining of my career messing about with opiates. This is a stern warning to all of us.

There are lots of people on here who can give you good help and advice. You're evidently and articulate and intelligent person.

I really hope things work out for you. You've certainly made me reconsider my behavior. My GF doesn't like I use drugs, and my parents would kill me if they knew.

Good luck,

SS

 

[BREAKaBEAT]

This is fake.

I'm not saying this can't happen. I just can tell the post is fake.

These were my thoughts exactly cept I didnt want to be the one to say it !

 

[IlostaMadge]

What made you think that?
If it is fake there has been a vast amount of effort put into it, I am sure it has probably helped a lot of people too.
What motivation would someone have for the fabrication of this thread?##

 

[BREAKaBEAT]

It just doesnt sound right ... a lot of the sentences he used sounded cliched BUT Im glad this thread occurred because it did help ppl, its pretty pointless whether or not the OP is genuine or not IMO. But my reading of the first post was "bullshit" purely based on the language used. But like I said, its creating healthy discussion, so it doesnt matter . The point could be is that like the OP said he is writing a book, so maybe he is just a writer trying new ways to generate some ideas... I dunno.

 

[Downwardplane]

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. Frogman I haven't heard of 5-HTP. I live in Canada and wonder if it's available here. Is it some sort of nutritional supplement?

Breakabeat: As I said to a previous poster, this is my life. I'm not proud of what i've done and i'm trying to be a better and productive human being. Categorizing my thoughts as "pointless" is your right. Yes, I have been writing a fiction book on and off since I was twenty-two years old. It's far from finished and I consider it a hobby and enjoyable. The reason I write on Bluelight is to get feedback and advice from people. Sometimes when one stands inside a bubble they can't see clear enough to know whether they're making the right decision. All the best to you and thanks for reading about my life. Not all opinions will be positive and I respect that.

Serotonin-system: Perhaps some people can control their use and just keep it to the weekends. I never could and had to be high everyday. I didn't even think of what I had to lose when I was high all the time. The most sobering moment was that the ones close to me had moved on with their lives and I was standing still.

I met Janelle yesterday for one of those juice smoothy things. Tasted better than I though it would. I'm normally just a water and Diet Dr Pepper drinker. We had a long discussion and she seems ok with just hanging out and being friends for the time being. She asked if the reason I was being so cautious is if I had been hurt in the past. Didn't really want to go into the long and drawn out facts so I just said that I had a painful breakup awhile ago. Eventually I will have to tell her about my past. It's stressful because as someone else said in the thread, a lot people look down on others that took drugs. Worried that if I open up about it that she will no longer want to associate with me and be my friend. It's all really confusing. I can be my worst enemy thinking about all the awful scenerios if she knows.

It's my day off so I went to an NA meeting this morning. I used to think support groups were lame and a waste of time but I can say without pause that i've met some really great people. Who like me just made a mistake. It's just a really warm and welcoming enviornment. I'm going three days a week and probably should do more but work takes up a ton of time. Talked to my Mom on the phone last night. She seemed really happy to hear from me. I told her about my job and going to meetings. Guess I could say her happiness is for me is guarded. I sense she thinks i'm going to screw everything up. My Dad and I still haven't talked. I miss him a great deal and am really ashamed of what I did to him. Not sure what to do or even how to open up the line of communication with him again. Scares the out of me thinking about it.

 

[billbong2]

5htp helps with seratonin depletion, (depression, pill binges ect) are you still a downwardplane? (fuckin funny name)

 

[drug_wench]

jay - im proud of u for staying clean so long and its great ur still going to meetings
u handled the thing with janelle really well too
and im glad ur back in communication with ur mum
listen, i did some awful things to my parents during my active addiction - like u i still dont talk to my dad.....he has not forgiven me
he thinks im to b looked down on cos i USED to use, because i hav tattoos and because im not ready for a job yet - that is ok, i hav done some awful things to him and pushed him away in the past with my paranoid ideations about him informing police on me and deluded shit like that
time heals wounds
oneday ur dad will forgive u
if he doesnt its his problem not urs
as long as u hav made the amends, only he can choose to accept ur apology
much luck and take care

 

[frogman84]

Yep, 5-htp is an amino acid i believe that is a building block for your brain to make serotonin.

It is a natural dietary supplement and normally found at Chemists or Vitamin stores. I am fairly sure you will be able to find it somewhere in Canada, or else order it online.

Perhaps do some reading about it, but from my own experience it has been amazing.

I suffer from OCD which is theorised to have something to do with my serotonin system playing up, so perhaps i may have the right particular circumstances to benefit from such a thing as 5-htp, where others might not - dunno i can only speak from my own experience.

Anyway, i would love it if you gave it a go. Something like 150 - 200 mg a day. It is naturally found in different foods, such as cheese and turkey and from my own understanding sort of like giving your muscles protein if they have been given a work out and need to replace or build up in any way.

All the best dude!

Stuart

 

[Downwardplane]

DW: Thanks, you've really been a good friend and you always have postive encouragement and appear to look at life with a glass is half full mentality. I could learn from that as negative thoughts usually pulse through me long before the postive ones.

Frogman: Thanks for the heads up on the 5-htp. I found it in a healthfood store only a couple blocks from work. On the bottle it said I can take up to 600mg's a day broken up into three 200mg doses. I decided to start slow and am taking 200mg's a day. I'm going to give this stuff a long look as I don't want to go back on Effexor unless it's a last resort.

Have some good news for a change as I found an appartment to move into on August 1st. It's not much but a place I can call my own. My sister and her husband have been really cool letting me stay with them but it's tough having three adults living under the same roof in limited space. Still have these internal panic attacks since I quit oxy. Wonder how long those will go on for. I've always been an internally nervous person but once I quit drugs it's been way worse. Telling myself that it's all irrational fear unfortunately it doesn't make it easier.

 

[sumobob88]

Hey Downwardplane its been sad reading about your struggles but amazing to realize that you actually have the motivation to do something about whats going on with your life. You've got to realize that there are so many addicts who never have the strength to make the turnaround that you have, I know people personally who have been faced with situations like yours and just said "fuck it" and let their lives go down the drain. I think you've sorta got a handle on the idea that YOU are the one whos in charge with what goes on in YOUR life. Idk if this helps but when I was going through a tough time I hung a sign that I would see all the time that said "If it's to be it's up to me". I know its corny but it really helped me at the time.
Secondly, With your parents you've got to realize that no matter what happened between you and your Dad you'll always be his son and he'll always be your Dad. It might take a year it might take 5 but if you get your life back on track he'll know how much strength it took for you to do that. You might be ashamed of how far you've fell but think of how much more triumphant it is if you come back and actually do something with your life! You're alive which is a lot better than a lot of addicts who never even come to realize what has happened to their lives!
Whoever suggested 5-HTP was great its basically a natural serotonin booster. We can get it up here in Canada, you might be able to get it at a head shop or an organic grocery store that has a supplements section, I used to work at one and we sold it.
I get the feeling from you that you’ve turned the corner.
Also you’ve mentioned that you were writing a book. When I was dealing with stuff writing music was one of the things that really helped me; it was soo cathartic. Maybe writing could be the same to you.

 

[drug_wench]

congrats on finding a house, jay - i know thats an important thing to u
look how far uve come in such a short time!
i think ur story is gd inspiration for many ppl going thru the same thing
internal panic attacks r a natural part of PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) - unfortunately this process can go on for awhile
but fortunately u can learn to manage anxiety - since ur a 'book' type, go to ur local library and see if u can find some self-help books surrounding CBT - this will b good at changing ur negative thinking to positive thinking and ur anxious thinking to calm, rational thinking
always here to help - i find it easy to help someone like u who really seems to want it (well easier than some)
keep on trucking

 

[Downwardplane]

SumoBob: You're right art always helps keep the mind occupied to more positive pursuits. I always admired muscians and painters as I have absolutely no talent in either area.

My sister called me at work and told me I received a letter from the University today. I wish she hadn't as I was anxious most of the day thinking about it. I arrived home and she was smiling and holding the envelope. A weird vibe, kind of a similar scene as to when I got my first university letter back at 20 with my Mom standing in the kitchen telling me to open it. This time it wasn't so joyus, I was rejected flat. Either you're good enough or your not and I fall into the second catagory. Was tough to take with my sister in the room seeing me fall short once again. Failure is a part of life and rarely do any of us escape it on some level but it doesn't make it easier. I kept up a good front for her. Simply devastated is how I feel. Had my heart set on it, didn't really have a plan b. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, nowhere close. These are the moments that make me realize why i'm an addict. You feel so low it hurts to breathe that you will do anything to make it go away. I wonder if this is all some big test to see how long I can put up with being mediocre. I took 600 mgs of my 5-htp and i'm not one bit more positive. Probably somehow screwed up my seratonin by all the oxy i've taken over the past couple of years. One thing is for sure I'm not cut out to be in a 9-5 job. Not sure what my life plan will be now, just not thinking real clear. I fucking disgust myself.

 

[drug_wench]

stop, stop, stop! u r not a failure!
just cos some university didnt accept u doesnt mean u failed
go to a meeting and talk about how ur feeling - u will find many ppl hav felt the same way
i get the feeling ur more academically smart than i am
im hoping to start uni soon myself (im very nervous about getting in) and i did very poorly at school
i accept now thats cos of my ADD
it doesnt stop me from, for example, being good at writing short poems, playing guitar or show-jumping
yesterday i came off my horse wen he bucked at a lesson and i felt ashamed and that self-hatred started to fill my chest.....then i stopped and thought 'this cud hav happened to anyone riding a bucking horse'
just as anyone (esp coming off oxy) cud b rejected from going to a uni
try again later...i guarantee one uni or the other will want u
ur an excellent writer
dont fall victim to feeling like a failure - its the start of a downward spiral and u dont need that atm
take care

 

[Dextro 2C]

DP, man, I've been in your shoes. I was kicked out of my house 2 days before i turned 18. I had to stay at different friends houses each night, but that's if they actually allowed me to. If i couldn't find a friends house, i had to sleep on a couch in the middle of a dirt field under a tree. It was so hard to fall asleep not knowing what i could do to better myself when i had absolutely no body to turn to, not even the person who brought me into this world. Things have gotten dramatically better for me in the past months, which leads me to say, if you just keep your head up and ask God to help you through these hard times, things WILL get better for you. Do not give up and do not lose hope, you are stronger than this drug and you can beat it.

 

[frogman84]

Hey dude. am upset to hear about the Uni.

But yeah... i have been fairly well FUCKED up for weeks on end before and when in that state it really is hard to see anything ever being different.

Maybe it would be cathartic for you to just fuck things off and wallow for a while rather than keeping up a facade of happy at work or wherever.

Ever listened to Cat Power?

'The Greatest' record that she made was done at a time when she was just about ready to leave this planet everyday cos of alcohol abuse. but it is the most amazing piece of work.

I fear that all the good wishes from people will always sound so hollow when you are in a state such as you are... but if nothing else maybe keep yourself chugging away so that you can help me crawl out of the pits of shit next time i am down there.

You will probably have a few tactics of your own that you could then share with me.

Fuck perennially happy people... Life is fucking deep as shit so i actually love that i manage to dive right to the bottom sometimes. It is painful, but i know i have tapped into something a bit more interesting than most get to see.

 

[Care]

Either you're good enough or your not and I fall into the second catagory.

You need to stop this way of thinking, failure is a part of life for everyone.

"Those who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try nothing and succeed." -Lloyd Jones

You put all your eggs in one basket and you got let down. I can see how this would discourage you but the most important thing is your perspective. The way I see it you can either feel sorry for yourself, give up, and be a true failure, or you can choose to pick yourself up and find something else to work for. Rarely will you be succesful on your first, second or even third time trying something that is worth doing.

Your perspective makes all the difference in the world.

History is full of people that were considered by eveyone to be total failures for most of their adult lives.

Ludwig van Beethoven, a German composer of classical music, is widely regarded as one of history’s supreme composers. His reputation has inspired - and in many cases intimidated - composers, musicians, and audiences who were to come after him. Before the start of his career, Beethoven’s music teacher once said of him “as a composer, he is hopeless”. And during his career, he lost his hearing yet he managed to produce great music - a deaf man composing music, ironic isn’t!

Thomas Edison who developed many devices which greatly influenced life in the 20th century. Edison is considered one of the most prolific inventors in history, holding 1,093 U.S patents to his name. When he was a boy his teacher told him he was too stupid to learn anything. When he set out on his own, he tried more than 9,000 experiments before he created the first successful light bulb.

Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. A phenomenal athlete with a unique combination of grace, speed, power, artistry, improvisational ability and an unquenchable competitive desire. Jordan single-handedly redefined the NBA superstar. Before joining NBA, Jordan was just an ordinary person, so ordinary that was cut from high school basketball team because of his “lack of skill”.

Albert Einstein was a theoretical physicist widely regarded as the most important scientist of the 20th century. He was awarded the 1921 Nobel Prize for Physics for his explanation of the photoelectric effect in 1905 and “for his services to Theoretical Physics”. However, when Einstein was young, his parents thought he was mentally retarded. His grades in school were so poor that a teacher asked him to quit, saying, “Einstein, you will never amount to anything!”

Steven Spielberg is an American film director. He has won 3 Academy Awards an ranks among the most successful filmmakers in history. Most of all, Steven was recognized as the financially most successful motion picture director of all time. During his childhood, Spielberg dropped out of junior high school. He was persuaded to come back and was placed in a learning-disabled class. He only lasted a month and then dropped out of school forever.

Winston Churchill failed the 6th grade. However, that never stopped him to work harder! He strived and eventually became the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom during the Second World War. Churchill is generally regarded as one of the most important leaders in Britain and world history. In a poll conducted by the BBC in 2002 to identify the “100 Greatest Britons”, participants voted Churchill as the most important of all.

The list goes on and on........

 

[drug_wench]

^some food for thought!

 

[Downwardplane]

Dextro2C: I'm glad you're doing better man. That is quite an ordeal you went through.

Stuart: I've never listened to Cat Power. Will have to look up some of the tracks on limewire. Reading your posts you really get the essence of life. I think similarily to you in many areas. Perhaps I just think too much at times.

Care: That's an amazing post you put together. Life is full of second chances and I have to realize that. You really drove the point home. I get stuck in my negativity and have to learn to brush things off. I'm the first to admit that internally I'm very sensitive and at times let shitty events define me.

DW: You're braver than me. I've never attempted to ride a horse before. I imagine once comfortable with it it's very therapeutic.


The last couple days have been tough. Been doing my best to put on brave face and live life. Can't really complain about the job, I'm fortunate to have it. The people I work with are cool and by and large the clients are too. Was feeling quite depressed after work and picked up some whiskey on the way home. Like a lush I drank half a 26er. I'm fairly weak at times when the depression settles in. Today I went to a meeting and felt like such a phony being the previous night I was hammered out of my skull. I should've mentioned it at the meeting but like the coward I am I kept my mouth shut. Since the age of 15 I've self medicated when things weren't going my way. It's a consistent trap I fall into.

I'm still hanging out with Janelle. She certainly deserves more than I can give her. The wall is up along with all my defenses. I sense she is frustrated because I'm not revealing much about my life or past. I feel guilty that I can't extend myself to her. Eventually I will have to or I will lose her friendship.

 

[drug_wench]

i encourage u to let janelle really get to know u
then u will see if shes a friend worth keeping or not
wat happened with the whiskey happens to many of us from time to time - esp the bit about not admitting it at NA
u will get round to it eventually even if u just tell ur sponsor first
wen i first went to NA i used to go along wasted
now its time to learn how to deal with life without self-medicating - thats wat NAs there for
if u trust ur sponsor hav a talk to him - if u dont u need a new sponsor!