• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Venting i'm done

yeah so I still haven't smoked weed in these months, actually I did once and it made me happy with my first decision and continued not smoking, I'm on day 7 of tramadol withdrawal I cold turkey'ed from that 1300mg-1500mg habbit, I can't taper, I tried over the years, as fast I got to 500mg,that fast I got back to 800mg then 1000mg and so on. I used the benzos to protect me in the last months, now I regret it because I may be dependent on them, didn't take any for 2 days max but I got on lyrica, some weird ass shit, that lyrica is I swear. maybe I will have to taper the benzos idk yet since I didn't have a benzo withdrawal ever, I am really done with the opioids, now that I think of the feeling of tramadol I want to vomit, I guess I was depressed and I just covered it with it. I don't even know if to taper with clonazepam or diazepam, something that's less amnesic, although I injected intravenously 100mg diazepam and it felt relaxing, I don't know if I want to stretch it out, 3 months isn't that big of a habit (I hope so) of benzos. I

I blew a vein because I got a scar under the "point" on my arm but fuck it I don't really care, got more left or I hope so, got two major trackmarks on the other hand too, but no scar, and they start to heal with the creaams and all,but considering that I haven't IV'ed for a long time nothing and I injected in the same veins I used to, I think that I'm good, anyway I'm aplying some creams and similar shit to make the track marks go away faster, but I hope so I won't remain with the scar, actually the scar would be ok if the track mark dissapears, I'll say in the summer that it's a scar from childhood lol, it's been a long ride peeps, had a seizure broke my phone, got hit by a car on alpraz and clonaz, I owe some money but I get payed in a few days.

I quit that banking data analyst job, they were really sad about it because I learn about anything fast and I knew lots of activities, I had to teach someone one of the main ones that I only I knew and there were a couple more that only I was being taught but I just passed them to another one. who knows what's going to come, let's hope this time it's for good, I've been in withdrawal more times than my age and always said that this is the last time, I had 3 boxes of 200mg ones in my drawers but threw them away, the whole county is out of tramadol, no pharmacies have it beside myself, because I stacked lots of them before the "drought" came, they may even got unlisted but that wouldn't be a problem for me, I grew up in pharmacies and know their in and outs so yeah. I try to pass time by learning on pluralsight and writing, but with this lyrica shit I barely can do it, so I think I'm gonna ditch it or return it. all the pharmacists in this town know me and I've been living here just for one year........ in my hometown and other town, the same. I'm the tramadol guy, I just open the door and they already say "still no if you don't have a script",

I did a test as an .Net intern and I'm waiting for a response to proceed with two more interviews, it's so good to have this month for me, to withdraw at home, I'm still alone and I don't mean by relationships, but I made a couple of non-using friends and a chick that uses but I told her that if your friendship is gonna reside 80% on drug use and drug talk I'm not interested.

ok the rant is over, One Love

-Morpheuspapaverus
 
thefirm said:
yeah so I still haven't smoked weed in these months, actually I did once and it made me happy with my first decision and continued not smoking, I'm on day 7 of tramadol withdrawal I cold turkey'ed from that 1300mg-1500mg habbit, I can't taper, I tried over the years, as fast I got to 500mg,that fast I got back to 800mg then 1000mg and so on. I used the benzos to protect me in the last months, now I regret it because I may be dependent on them, didn't take any for 2 days max but I got on lyrica, some weird ass shit, that lyrica is I swear. maybe I will have to taper the benzos idk yet since I didn't have a benzo withdrawal ever, I am really done with the opioids, now that I think of the feeling of tramadol I want to vomit, I guess I was depressed and I just covered it with it. I don't even know if to taper with clonazepam or diazepam, something that's less amnesic, although I injected intravenously 100mg diazepam and it felt relaxing, I don't know if I want to stretch it out, 3 months isn't that big of a habit (I hope so) of benzos. I

I blew a vein because I got a scar under the "point" on my arm but fuck it I don't really care, got more left or I hope so, got two major trackmarks on the other hand too, but no scar, and they start to heal with the creaams and all,but considering that I haven't IV'ed for a long time nothing and I injected in the same veins I used to, I think that I'm good, anyway I'm aplying some creams and similar shit to make the track marks go away faster, but I hope so I won't remain with the scar, actually the scar would be ok if the track mark dissapears, I'll say in the summer that it's a scar from childhood lol, it's been a long ride peeps, had a seizure broke my phone, got hit by a car on alpraz and clonaz, I owe some money but I get payed in a few days.

I quit that banking data analyst job, they were really sad about it because I learn about anything fast and I knew lots of activities, I had to teach someone one of the main ones that I only I knew and there were a couple more that only I was being taught but I just passed them to another one. who knows what's going to come, let's hope this time it's for good, I've been in withdrawal more times than my age and always said that this is the last time, I had 3 boxes of 200mg ones in my drawers but threw them away, the whole county is out of tramadol, no pharmacies have it beside myself, because I stacked lots of them before the "drought" came, they may even got unlisted but that wouldn't be a problem for me, I grew up in pharmacies and know their in and outs so yeah. I try to pass time by learning on pluralsight and writing, but with this lyrica shit I barely can do it, so I think I'm gonna ditch it or return it. all the pharmacists in this town know me and I've been living here just for one year........ in my hometown and other town, the same. I'm the tramadol guy, I just open the door and they already say "still no if you don't have a script",

I did a test as an .Net intern and I'm waiting for a response to proceed with two more interviews, it's so good to have this month for me, to withdraw at home, I'm still alone and I don't mean by relationships, but I made a couple of non-using friends and a chick that uses but I told her that if your friendship is gonna reside 80% on drug use and drug talk I'm not interested.

ok the rant is over, One Love

-Morpheuspapaverus
Click to expand...

Kratom helped me kick my tramadol habit many years ago. I remember specifically mentioning that to you in the past because I figured you would be ready to quit tramadol at some point.

Gabapentin works just as well. Lyrica is stronger than Gabapentin. It seems to be making you too loopy. I love Gabapentin. Try the 300 mg capsules first.
 
we only got the the 150mg ones max here, country regulations I guess, yeah it does make me feel interesting to say at least, I will try to go without anything but the multiminerals/vitamins/food and fluids for 3 days to see if I got another monkey on my back, because with so many monkeys on my back I have to open a zoo :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
 
thefirm said:
we only got the the 150mg ones max here, country regulations I guess, yeah it does make me feel interesting to say at least, I will try to go without anything but the multiminerals/vitamins/food and fluids for 3 days to see if I got another monkey on my back, because with so many monkeys on my back I have to open a zoo :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Click to expand...

HAHA! Awww man, hang in there. There's definitely life after tramadol. Just make sure you're out of the woods with your withdrawal first before going without any medication at all.

Definitely try Gabapentin.
 
I'm writing and learning a lot, clonazepam holds me down, I think I'll just give the lyrica to my grandpa when I visit during christmass time, I got all the benzos available but clonazepam is less amnesic and I usually think of verses on the move so I got to memorize them plus the programming learning for the incoming internship if it happens, I got the benzo ABC but I really don't want to strecth it out since this isn't aerobic and I want to be fit for other interviews, but if I have to taper the benzos I'll do it, I'll do what it takes just to end all of this maybe even see a psychologist since I don't need a psychiatrist because I know more than them usually and I don't need no scripts, I can cop myself.
 
thefirm said:
I'm writing and learning a lot, clonazepam holds me down, I think I'll just give the lyrica to my grandpa when I visit during christmass time, I got all the benzos available but clonazepam is less amnesic and I usually think of verses on the move so I got to memorize them plus the programming learning for the incoming internship if it happens, I got the benzo ABC but I really don't want to strecth it out since this isn't aerobic and I want to be fit for other interviews, but if I have to taper the benzos I'll do it, I'll do what it takes just to end all of this maybe even see a psychologist since I don't need a psychiatrist because I know more than them usually and I don't need no scripts, I can cop myself.
Click to expand...

I'm prescribed klonopin. I like it for anxiety and it's very functional, no black outs unless you're popping them like candy or drinking on it. You shouldn't have to take benzos long enough to develop a problem. You're just trying to get through acute withdrawals and make sure you are safe from the tramadol withdrawal, that's all. Good luck with everything! Glad you quit the trams. :)
 
Jabberwocky said:
all this time I lied to myself that i'm not depressed, not anxious, I got no issue beside the addiction, I'm a fuctional addict.

well now I wish I would fucking die, although I will not do this, all this loneliness got me to the end of my powers, this job sucks the life out of me, it's a stupid 9 to 5 office job whch requires no logical thinking and mental challenges, I am trying to learn more and more about programming everyday to get out of this shithole

I recently dropped out of my 3rd uni, I will try to get the job I want without a degree

but the past month I've been dosing huge doses of 1000-1200-1500mg tramadol, between 1-3 mg alprazolam and sometimes oxy.

I got no one, I swear fucking no one, I may get in social contact at work or may talk to a chick or two on tinder sometimes, but I miss having a special link with someone, I feel like an useless piece of shit really, all day I'm by myself, noding off, listening to hip hiop, trying to learn some programming and that's it, maybe go for a walk or eat out in the town, but still by myself, I moved to this town last fall, I used to love to be alone but now I think it got to me in a hard way

day over day over day, I'm sick of it, if there wouldn't be a precious person which is my mom which sacrified and went through hell to help me out in every situation I would seriously kill myself. some days I barely can motivate msyelf to get out of bed beside work, I don't know what to do anymore, maybe I'll shutdown and isolate myself even more out of everyone and everything and feed my stupid little brain with all these chemicals to give it this safe fake haven it requires.

sorry for the rant or if it doesn't make sense, I didn't have who to share it with so that's why I resorted to TDS, anyway, I'm done.
Click to expand...

Life rewards you for putting up with it's crap. Give it time please before throwing in the towel. I noticed with my life the best things occur after periods of depression

I have horrible taste in men and generally am alone. They say that I'm so handsome and use me for sex anyway, which is nice sometimes because who doesn't like getting laid but I've always wanted a long term relationship since I was 16. I know what it's like to have a nonexistent love life especially intentionally so because of constantly being manipulated and used by people you wish so hard to have a connection with. I'm like the only gay man on earth who can keep it in his pants haha! I've put so much effort into keeping my partner(s) happy only to be constantly cheated on, judged, and discarded. I receive all my needs from one person and their happiness makes me happy. Jokes on them though. Anyone with self-respect will just walk away and they'll never be able to maintain a boyfriend for the life of them. I get what you're going through though. Please don't kill yourself, I would be upset even though I don't know you. Love isn't like oxy where you can just summon the good feelings whenever you want. It's out of everyone's control.

My best advice is to not jump into anything even if a female is an amazing person and shows interest in you. It doesn't sound like you're in a stable position, and I entered a relationship when I was in a similar situation with my drug use and when it went wrong let me tell ya I took it out on the oxy and adderall. I was better off never having met him and just being single. Undoubtedly it caused me to not only relapse but also make my tolerance rise higher than it's ever been (of course I can't only blame others for my usage). Homeboy I fell in love with was the human embodiment of opiate withdrawal. That's just about the worst insult I can think of. Good high nasty low ;)

Even the best people on earth struggle with periods of depression and anxiety. They wouldn't be here today if they didn't stick it out no matter how bad it got. Think about how you can improve the lives of those around you and trust me it will come back to you in time.
 
Last edited:
fuck opioids, I should make a chanel on pornhub while I'm fucking various boxes of opioids, then make a step-sister version where I fuck bottles of roche clonazepam and boxes of alprazolam.

I am not looking for a relationship anyway, as I said in the post, I was wishing more for a real link of friendship than those fakeass people I've met here along the road. Whenever I'm using and I bump into chick I connect with the "let's be in love" turns in "let's fix you" and I'm not a kitchen tap to be fixed.

I used to sometimes make personifications out of the opioids like they would be females and write poems about them, in highschool one of my novels was full of them, the chicks fell in an awwwe thinking I was talking about real girls lol.

Not gonna have pity for myself anymore as I dug myself into this shit with my own hands after several "quittings",rehab and blabla. but after the withdrawal goes away and months go by, you think hmmm I have an idea of obtaining pleasure instantly. I think I'm gonna see a cognitive-behavioural psychologist this time for a while to get all the junkie manners out of myself, but it's hard to do it, I was just 15 when I begun and now I'm 22, the good news is that there are at least 22 years more to keep me floating and out of this bloathing shit, the bad news is that I grew up on them, did everything on them, finished school got into unis, worked jobs, had sex, I can't count on my hands how many times I had sex without an opioid in my system, I was neeeeeeever off them for more than 3 days beside after I went to rehab when I was off the shit for 3 months max maybe almost 4. so I had most events on them, beside all the other drugs about which I'm not gonna get into, I studied pharmacolog more than i studied for my uni exams, I attended more pharmacy counters than classes, is this the end of it? hope so, if not then I'm a stupid ass motherfucker and I deserve it.
 
Nah... nobody deserves opiate withdrawal or the flat and grey monotonous world that just is unbearable. I'd rather face true depression that have everything be so square again like it was last summer.

I'm trying to get off them too. The problem is half of you wants it and the other half wants to be sober--then you finally sober up and all you want to do is score a clean high. You can never really win, but I'm trying to be happy with whatever happens. Sorry I haven't read the entire thread... do you have a form of chronic pain or it's just for pleasure?
 
no chronic pain, "brain damage" as I would call it , just kidding I have back problems but never ever had used them for that, always for recreational purposes. it's no biggie, it will go away, I'm in the house the whole month, although by myself since I didn't want to withdraw in my hometown because it brings back memories, I'm really curious if I'll suffer a benzo withdrawal too, well I can seize in my bed because I'm not leaving it beside cooking,smoking and doing groceries but only during day time so someone can help me out a little. I'll man this out, no lyrica today either.

one good news is that I'm not counting the days as I used to before, I hope that is a sign, anyway if after the withdrawal vanishes if I begin to have cravings I'll seek some proffesional help, a cognitive-behaviorual psychologist as I said, since psychiatrist only script stuff and talk so little, I can score pharmaceuticals faster than they can get their hand to the pen so I don't need their help, a psychologist should suffice, plus I'm not looking to get from one mix of pills on another mix of pills, that's what is laughable at some rehabs in my country. when I was 19 that was my first rehab encounter, I called my mom I told her I still didn't quit I lied, I think I need help, I want to go into a rehab, I did it and the shitheads put me on 3 antidepressants and 1 ssri for fucking 800mg of tramadol while they kept me there for a month and a half for big bucks and did nothing beside giving us pills, during the day I was producing on my mpc since I brung my turntable and drum machine with me along with some crates of good records to sample from. so fuck that route, I'll never ever spend that much on something like that again, the food was good, it got me fatter, or the seroquel did, I guess both but it doesn't matter in the end.
 
Have you never considered a methadone maintenance program and subsequent controlled taper? Obviously, I dont know what is available in your country, but it did the trick for me - eventually. It's not a quick solution, but is something you can manage yourself without the pain of acute withdrawal and the inevitable rebound. It enables you to function as a relatively normal human being as long as you stick to your care plan. Many people criticise methadone, but used properly it can be a life saver.
 
it's not needed now, plus it would stick to my medical record. I can rough it out, plus I have to travel 3 hours to get into a city that has a methadone programme, I tried to get into one last year but this city has none. only two cities in this country have heroin and only those two have methadone programs, now imagine going 3-4-5 hours a day just to get your pills then coming back the same time, I would be on the road more often the Zopiclone Bandit claims to be mate :ROFLMAO: even if they could give me scripts to take home I couldn' taper, in all these years I have tried so many tapers but always failed, it's not gonna last much more I'm sure, feeling better everyday, I may shit too much, have a brain zap here and there, feel weak but I think I got it, getting on the meth programme would be like restarting my laptop and in that situation the laptop being my habit.

I'm sick of all these medicines I ranted about for so long and thaught people about them. I think my moms would have a heart attack, she went through 4 rehabs with my dad, 1 with me and more relapses than my age from both of us combined, hell I think more like her age, I got this month for me and I'm gonna make out of it what I can, I didn't have this option for years, always work or uni or both, a whole month? hell I might even become a christian ( no offense to the christians, I just got a sick humor sometimes)
 
Jabberwocky said:
all this time I lied to myself that i'm not depressed, not anxious, I got no issue beside the addiction, I'm a fuctional addict.

well now I wish I would fucking die, although I will not do this, all this loneliness got me to the end of my powers, this job sucks the life out of me, it's a stupid 9 to 5 office job whch requires no logical thinking and mental challenges, I am trying to learn more and more about programming everyday to get out of this shithole

I recently dropped out of my 3rd uni, I will try to get the job I want without a degree

but the past month I've been dosing huge doses of 1000-1200-1500mg tramadol, between 1-3 mg alprazolam and sometimes oxy.

I got no one, I swear fucking no one, I may get in social contact at work or may talk to a chick or two on tinder sometimes, but I miss having a special link with someone, I feel like an useless piece of shit really, all day I'm by myself, noding off, listening to hip hiop, trying to learn some programming and that's it, maybe go for a walk or eat out in the town, but still by myself, I moved to this town last fall, I used to love to be alone but now I think it got to me in a hard way

day over day over day, I'm sick of it, if there wouldn't be a precious person which is my mom which sacrified and went through hell to help me out in every situation I would seriously kill myself. some days I barely can motivate msyelf to get out of bed beside work, I don't know what to do anymore, maybe I'll shutdown and isolate myself even more out of everyone and everything and feed my stupid little brain with all these chemicals to give it this safe fake haven it requires.

sorry for the rant or if it doesn't make sense, I didn't have who to share it with so that's why I resorted to TDS, anyway, I'm done.
Click to expand...

You're not happy with yourself. It has nothing to do with others or the world around you,discover who you are and treat yourself as you would like to be treated by others.
The one person who can change this is you. Learn to love yourself,be kind and not so judgemental of yourself.

When you realise that all you need comes from within you'll find peace. Everything else is a bonus. I know this all sounds well and good and I understand your situation completely as I've been there and thought those negative thoughts myself. My vibration was so low and I lived in the shadows,hating myself and my situation. Depression is really hard to live with so we self medicate to make us feel better,but it actually makes the situation worse.

Dont rely on others to change your world,change from within and the world will change with you. You'll still get the pricks and cunts out there,but you learn to recognise that,that's their shit and that's why they're like they are.

I never believed in the laws of attraction until I shifted my negative energy and noticed how being positive attracted those of a higher vibration. Try not to attract shit into your life because you feel shit.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.
 
I think that chronic opiate use for some reason causes depression. It might be the depletion of testosterone that occurs or the artifical endorphins not truly fitting with one's body and mind. I was clean for about 4 months and really thought the worst was over until I couldn't tolerate the "flat and grey" world anymore and needed some color. As soon as I returned to using the color in my life also came back--but now I'm remembering all over again how even if you can permanently keep withdrawals at bay for some reason opiates cause misery when dependent on them. It's like you start to only live for the high even if you make the most of life while on them. We're both better off without it. I'm wondering if anyone out there has been on opie for a couple of years and hasn't notice any depression. Not to sound like I'm lacking in empathy but you're not in the worst place to come clean. Seed tea is one of the hardest opiates on earth to get off of. It will be a truly unenjoyable time to kick tramadol but in comparison it's a shorter ride than methadone or seed tea. What's your opinion on yourself perhaps seeking out a suboxone doctor out of curiosity? It's good to be in a stable mindset before withdrawing to successfully come clean imo. I did it after an already low point in my life and just ended up relapsing ya know?

As for the benzos, you probably know this already but definitely taper down. It's one thing to withdraw cold turkey off of opioids but it's another to just sieze out. And probably definitely wthdraw from one thing at a time. I would say that the chronic tramadol use is causing your depression but it's definitely more complex than that, however an inevitable factor. I think that opiates are seductive and make you think that you are unable to live without them. You realize you're actually fine but the plateau post-withdrawal just lasts SOOO damn long. I think someone told me the happiness comes back in 5 months.
 
Last edited:
Yeah I noticed that after years they made me more depressed and more closed in myself than the opposite which happened at the beggining, I tried all the benzos and used them all once or twice until 3 months ago when I started doing them daily on and off, I don't think I got that big of a habit, we'll see during this week how bad it goes down, if it it's that bad I will do taper down, but until then I don't think so, I want to try it, I got benzos on me and can get more benzos if it's needed, I will just give it some time to see where I'm at with those too, I got no psychological dependence to them thankfully, so if I do need to taper it will be an easier road to do it, but right now I'm gonna go this route, I might be hard headed but I don't want this habit of popping pills to continue, I understand both sides of the table or story or whatever you would like to call it, we'll see. I'm gonna be on here this month so I'll keep you updated.

and guys, thanks for all the support! I feel like I still didn't give back to this comunity as much as it gave me but I had to get my account destroyed and to avoid the site, but needed to get in contact with someone and longstory short this month I'll still be here,I still wish Jekyl would be here, I got so many questions to ask, you are all good peeps with all your flaws, one love!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top